The killer of inspiration

It will withhold you

From your destination

Impeding your greatness

Fighting the frustration

Don’t let the irritation

Cause complacence

Breaking down the walls
Is going to

Take some patience

The tribulations

Will Make way

For new creations

Instead of hesitation

To live is to endure levels of discomfort.
We step beyond our own limits to learn, fail, and experience.
We limit ourselves to the encounters of life when we confine our limits to a box.
Being uncomfortable is when we learn the most about ourselves and our abilities to live.
What we are willing to sacrifice, embrace and fear.
Without these experiences, life would be meaningless.
A seed without growth. A bird without flight. Music without sound.
Comfort is a warm embrace, much like a nest is to an egg.
But we all have to leave the nest someday.
Knowing the risks, we take that first step, we play that first note.
We endure the discomforts of being “newborn” to bring more purpose to our lives.
We must do so by leaving our comfort zone.

Dear You,

It’s the first step that’s the hardest.
Remember that
The next time you’re asked
To step outside of that
Lovely little box
The walls of which
You so desperately cling to

It’s the first mile of a
Thousand-mile journey
That moment when you
Swallow your fears
And swallow your pride
Put your hands on the wheel
And Just drive
So that by the time you land in London
Alone and totally free
You’re no longer shackled to the
What Ifs
And the Should haves

It’s the first wobbly step away from
That job that’s always defined you
It’s that first moment you realize
This just
Isn’t
Worth
It.
That moment you walk away into
The darkness of the unknown
And just keep walking
One foot in front of the other
So that by the time you arrive on the other side
You wonder why you were ever scared
In the first place

And it’s that first tentative step towards telling your truth
Stepping outside of that safe, secure box you’ve built
Walls of secrets plastered in shame
Built up around your soul
For protection and concealment.

It’s that step up onto the witness stand,
That shaky hand on the Bible
The first question: Who are you?
And you respond, shaky but certain
I am victim. I am survivor.
I am one and the same
And though I feel fear,
I will no longer shrink at the sound
of my own voice.

Just remember, sweet girl –
The first step is never easy.
But one step can lead to two
And three and four
Multiplied by Momentum
So that soon you are
Running
And you can’t be stopped
And when you come face to face with darkness again
The inevitable unfamiliar path
That fated cliffs edge
You whisper to yourself
A gentle reminder

It will only get easier from here

Always,
Me

Dear Unsealers,
If you’ve made it this far, I applaud you. For by opening this letter, you have indulged your curiosity. You’re no longer fully content to stand at the edge where you feel safest. You’ve dipped your toe in that murky water of uncertainty. Even in the shallow end, courage can be found.
What can be said in these words from the edge? By the way, those boundaries move as you push up against those walls. What once was a dark border of mysterious lands is now illuminated and you’re on to the next, slashing at the terrain with the machete. Or at the very least sitting on a rock, hopefully thinking about how you made it this far and wondering what lingers just beyond your line of sight, beyond the campfire light. I find myself at least peeking around the corners, even when I spend most days scared shitless. I’ve been diagnosed with panic disorder. Prescribed a regular spectrum of pill shaped relief to fill a not-so-pill shaped hole. I’ve had three periods in my life where I was unable to even leave the house. What if I can’t find my way to my destination? What I someone gets angry at me when I step on their foot accidentally at the bus stop? The neat thing about panic disorder is that you don’t even need these slinky narratives to get you to your very own, full blown panic attack. You can just get a few steps beyond your welcome mat, out of your comfort zone and your arms begin to weigh a hundred pounds. Your heart rate spikes up. You get a real nice sweat going on a cold day. Pretty soon you lose feeling in your arms. Your nervous system sounds the alarm. This is not a test. You’re dying.
The colors are too saturated and the air too still and the rattle of an old sprinkler is far too loud. Everything is overcooked and, in the foreground, bombarding you. You try to walk your dogs and try to make sense of it or ignore it, all the while trying not to bump into the painted scenery. You apologize to the pavement you tripped on and then become acutely aware you don’t remember getting to your present location.
Every thought is like reading the same sentence in a book over and over again.
Every thought is like reading the same sentence in a book over and over again.
Spoiler alert: you can’t hide indoors while the world keeps spinning and be able to pay bills, connect with loved ones, or go to your favorite coffee shop. So, you go. You take those miserable steps beyond the mat. You sit miserably in classes and social situations. You return to that space you feel safest and hold the memories. The memories of living your life. You survive these times, these everyday experiences, again and again and again. Pretty soon, the overwhelming urge to hide in the bathroom becomes less frequent. Oh, it will show up again. But please, above all, keep living as best as you can. Enough time goes by and you forget how you felt such impending doom at happy hour and on the bus and in the blank spaces down town. You remember your friend laughing at your joke. You remember the song playing in the background. You remember your life.
We don’t do the dying in these moments when we feel like our hearts will most surely burst. We die behind closed doors. We die slowly in days spent saying “Tomorrow I’m going to beat this thing.” Rush out as far as you can every day from behind those fortress walls and satiate the curiosity, even if you must on your hands and knees. Maybe one day, we will meet out there in the great unknown.

Dear Younger Self,

Just a little note from your future self who has become wise in some ways through time and experiences… When we stay in our comfort zones we make a little cozy space to cocoon ourselves which can cause for us to never move forward. Sometimes, we find ourselves pushing past that comfort zone that elevates us into a newfound mental and physical place. Other times stepping outside out comfort zones are just an illusion of the mind. The stepping outside of my own comfort zone comes with that first leap forward. Oftentimes, I get so wrapped up into my own headspace that I struggle to move. I become so paralyzed with that first step forward that at times I need to be shoved face first into a new phase of life! If only I just leaped more often rather than just mentally decipher the pro’s and con’s of the possible scenario before me, I would save myself so much mental turmoil! It is that first leap that is far more intimidating than staying in the unsteady place of not moving forward or just moving at all in general. Adapting to ones own comfort zones also leaves little the complex uncertainty of leaping forward that professionals argue is healthy for us. I am still not so sure about that.

When I was 21 years old I had pre-determined that I would never be a mother. I had planned through birth control, safe sex, and at time abstinence to insure I would never become a mother. I was certain I would screw up any child that I could raise and that I would forever have regret about how much I would mess up my own child. I had just decided to never go there and that in no way would I ever become a mother. Life had a different set of plans and did not fill me in on the plan. This year the child I had pre-determined I would mess up turned 21 herself. She was meant to be here and if ever I could pinpoint an exact moment where I see how one action radically changed my life is the day I took 10 pregnancy tests that all turned positive! She is my birth control, condom miracle child! I just didn’t know I would be any good at raising her! Becoming a mom meant I would need to shed the pre-determined manner in which I would metamorphosis from being a single entity into becoming someone else’s mom! If I was going to do this job well it meant I would have to strip away the selfish layers I had decided when I was younger I was going to wear with pride. No more self agendas for my life anymore because as I was growing her I felt the connection I had never experienced with anyone else ever before! My daughter was meant to be here and looking back 21 years I can honestly express that I would not have changed the circumstances that forced me out of my cocoon of comfort into being a mom! In fact, I did not mess her up! I am proud to admit I was one-hundred percent wrong on that front! Becoming a mom changed me forever and while some moments where you step out of your comfort zone only have momentary alterations into our lives, for me, becoming her mom radically changed me inside and out for the last 21 years of my life. I am not the same person at all. I was no longer a “me” but a “we.” Even as she has become an adult, I am still tethered to an invisible line of connection between her and myself because I grew her and I grew up with her. I grew up because of her! I didn’t allow myself to even entertain the idea that I would stay the same while I was pregnant with her. I could feel the change happening as I made very choice to be a present mom. I allowed myself to become completely changed as a person, and even more so as a woman. Did I make some mistakes along the way of raising her? Of course I have! I have however, radically owned the mistakesI know I have made with her. I have taken those many mistakes as opportunities to grow and to learn more about myself! Sometimes, that first leap towards growth is the best one you will ever take and changes you in a way that you only see years after you have moved forward.

Warmest Regards,

Your Future Self

S. Ludlum

If you are going to leave your comfort zone you should equate it to boarding a boat, and leaving the harbor, traveling so far out to sea, and not being able to see the shoreline. At least that’s how it was for me. Once you can’t see visible land it is sink or swim.
In 2017, I began the journey of not being able to see the shoreline. I applied to an education program to not only be a student of the education, but to take the knowledge that I had learned, and to become a coach in order to coach others through the curriculum.
I had to submit a job application and a video resume.
It want the first time though, back in 2009 I produced a video resume that was sent out to all the companies applied to for a position.
In 2017 once again I was asked to create a short video introducing myself , including a quick synopsis of my career previously, and why I thought I would be a good fit to the team and a coach for the company. I was introduced to TikTok by my mentor as one of the platforms to utilize to get my story out.
Fast forward to the late spring of 2018 it was then that I decided to create my first Tiktok. The first application that was presented to me was a song by Brad Paisley which resonated with my story. So I gathered the props and started filming.
That proved some people were watching every move especially the videos that I created and they were not so happy about it. So much so that four months later in the beginning of 2019. That video along with a few others landed me a two week unplanned involuntary siesta.
If it wasn’t for the TikTok video it wouldn’t have given me the opportunity and the reason why I should write a book, become an insurance agent , conduct an investigation, and most of all the ability to figure out a solution to an impending crisis. But mostly to discover who I am.
Can you believe how ironic it is that there so many people on TikTok in 2023?

Sometimes, you just have to stand up and say,
“I will accomplish something new today!”

You may feel uncomfortable and feel you’re on your own.
Because now, you’re leaving your comfort zone.

You see, you have a whole life ahead of you to make a difference on this earth
It’s a legacy that you’re leaving that started with your birth.

Don’t be afraid to step up and leave behind what’s familiar!
After all, all butterflies start as caterpillars!

You were made to do great things and accomplish much,
You just have to be brave, you don’t have to walk with a crutch!

And if you believe that you can do it and know you’re not alone,
You’ll be just fine when you step out of your comfort zone!

Advocating for pushing beyond your
Comfort zone is easy, it’s just words.
Applying it to yourself is hard and requires
A dauntless temperament that’s bolder
Than your fear, that binds your actions.

As an introvert who bottles up her
Emotions and fears, confronting
Anyone who’s hurt me has a severe
Strain over me, anxiety flourishing,
Sweating, combing through vocabulary that Never,

Ever seems to fit, and always has
The possibility of being misinterpreted
As my clarity of thought comes
With pen, paper, thoughts processed
Slowly for the least hurt possible attained.

Consequences of words spoken
Can’t easily be taken back, and they happen
To have a lingering effect that’s unspoken!

©️Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

I’m scared, it hurts, but I don’t want to stay here forever

I can feel it, I know beyond this there will be something better.

I want to grow, but failure is too disappointing

looking back, I realize a new direction I’ve been pointing.

Inside has been safe for a very long while, but now it’s time to go.

I have to be okay with the fact that I won’t always know

what’s next, what’s best, or where I should go.

But I really do trust myself,

I need the chance to show.

I don’t want the world to keep passing me by

and by setting myself free

I really am learning to fly.

Here I can hide and cry and lick my wounds

but as I let go, I see my highest self say “She’ll be here soon.”

Through every new challenge, I sprout a sweet flower

stepping outside, I’m reminded to try and try – well, it’s my superpower.

To be honest, right now in this very moment I am in a space or season of uncomfortableness in my life. All my life I’ve worn different masks to fit in and be accepted that I’ve lost sight of who I am and who I could be with growth. I hate to admit it because I was comfortable in places where I guess normal people would be uncomfortable. I used to be comfortable in my depression, anxiety, self pity and hatred. I was okay with being trash even though I wasn’t. I embarked on taking all aspects of my healing and writing seriously during the pandemic. But i wasn’t prepared at all for the distractions that i would face. So for the next 2 1/2 years. I undid almost all my progress by being in a relationship and having a baby with a narcissist who had done everything short of killing my spirit. I was extremely uncomfortable with him but out of fear and my abandonment issues. I stayed. I became comfortable with the abuse and toxicity. I believe all the lies he told me. To be hundred percent genuine and transparent, I knew he was no good for me. But I got stuck on a feeling and I am stubborn. He was the first and only guy to pretend that he valued me. He would by me flowers, take me on dates, buy me gifts, and write me little love letters. He even said he wanted to marry me. Being a woman with extremely complicated daddy issues and traumas experiences with men; I tried to hold on to him and change myself to keep him because I believed he would change. So long story short I got tired of everything he did and was doing to me. I had a come to Jesus meeting with myself because it was destroying my mental health and I could not adequately function as a mom like I needed to. So earlier this year before my son turned one. I left him and I have never looked back. If anyone has experience with a true narcissist nothing I did to free myself was easy. So I am rebuilding and recovering from that extremely toxic relationship, learning how to balance and raise two children alone instead of one and taking the leap of faith by finally sharing my talent in writing with the world and still trying to take care of my mental health and heal from all my current and past trauma and everyone I care about. I normally would have tucked my tail and run away by now to old familiar environments but I haven’t. I always found comfort in quitting and hiding within my negative emotions. I found comfort in thinking terrible things about myself and not loving and giving myself grace. I was comfortable with abuse mental, emotional, and sometimes physical because I believed that was all I deserved in life. The unknown has always terrified me so as a trauma response I would go back to or put myself in maladaptive situations that cause pain because I’m used to it. I was like the children of Israel after they were delivered from Egypt who wanted to go back because I couldn’t see my promised land. But I decided to be different and challenge myself to conquer my fears and worries so I can achieve success and that scares the living crap out of me. I see my changes and the blessings coming to me but I am internally scared shitless (excuse my language). I haven’t had time to process anything that has happened in my life for real in the past 3 years and I’m still pushing forward but I have a lot of unresolved emotions that I don’t know how to handle so I pretend they aren’t there until I go crazy or figure out how to express them.
I’m afraid of success. I am afraid of achieving my goals and being the best me. Yes, I know that sounds crazy. Even though I put in the work and it is what is to be expected. I’ve never experienced positive situations or at least for long. So I self sabotage because I don’t think I’m worthy all the time of goodness and happiness. I’m not used to actually having joy despite the chaos in my life. I’m used to feeling depression and sadness. I’m not used to being happy. And I’m so uncomfortable because I have to teach myself to accept all the things in life I’ve prayed for. I have to release maladaptive coping mechanisms that I thought were healthy but they aren’t. I have always watered others and never watered myself. I’ve shown people more love than I’ve ever shown myself ( and that is never okay). Taking time to breathe and feel positive emotions has been hard for me. It triggers my fight or flight response to be consistent in things and to show myself love. But I’m coming into my own power and learning to love myself and it’s so uncomfortable! (I’m literally dying or that’s how it feels) Sometimes I want to run back to the hell I am used to because that was the last time I felt comfortable. I had a routine and knew what to expect. I feel selfish and at times undeserving because I still beat myself up. I’ve been a certain way for so long that being in the newness and joys of life brings me deep anxiety. But being in this uncomfortable position has taught me so much. I’m uncomfortable because I’m growing out of all the terror, heartbreak and trauma I’ve experienced in my entire life all at once. Sometimes I don’t know how to process my positive emotions and I cry when I’m happy I get angry when I experience love. But it’s okay. I’m reaping the harvest from the tears I cried because of trauma and general lack. The tears I’ve cried are watering my seeds for my success.

Everyday I wake up I am choosing to actively do something different. I refuse to let myself run back to the false comfort of being with my ex and having a fake family. I would much rather deal with the uncomfortableness of success than deal with the uncomfortableness of watering myself down and making myself small for a man who doesn’t love me and only wants to manipulate and control me. I am proud of myself but I can’t celebrate just yet because I still have a lot more work to do. I thought I was buried but this whole time I was planted.

Old self

You’re so social they say. But little do they know my skin crawls and I feel like I’m going to ball every time I’m in front of you all. The panic and manic start to settle in , where do I even begin. I worry if I’m worthy or if they’ll all look at me and scurry. It all starts to get blurry and my mind starts to scatter like if everything I’ve accomplished never even mattered. My heart beats fast, and I can’t look past my old self I thought I laid on the shelf. But here she is, with all her might ready to fight. I’ve learned to fight back, despite the pain I feel of my old self, that was never healed which I’ve kept so
concealed. She keeps me from going out and makes me miss out. Some say it’s all in my mind but I can’t seem to unbind, we’re the same person even if she was a different version. Some times I win and some times I lose, either way, my old self always seems to loom.

Dear reader,
I still struggle with body dysmorphia.
But in 2021, I started wearing tiny clothes. For the first time ever.
I’ve been many different sizes since my teens, but I’ve always been shaped the same. I was a chunky kid, or a curvy girl. Even in the height of my eating disorder, my bone structure never changed. The shape of my scapulae, the curve of my rib cage, or how close its end is to my pelvic bone’s beginning; these parts of me don’t move, so size didn’t always “fix” things. My fat distribution never changed much, either (hormone problems also contribute to that). I was always a “thick thighs save lives” girl with a big butt, even if there were less adipose cells than before.
I felt deformed. Being raised in the early 2000s, this meant my whole life was a story of “Clothes Never Fit Right”. A story of my mom buying me women’s clothes at age 14 because the clothes my peers wore were too small. A story of being laughed at when I wore low-rise skinny jeans that gave me a “plumber butt”. A story of being called Britney Spears by a classmate because a button-up shirt I wore that day was a bit more form-fitting. (Which is a ridiculous insult, by the way. Britney is a queen.) It was also a story of seeing women being vilified for having a body that looked like a body. Every woman had to be paper thin.
When I was 11, the 2007 VMAs splattered the news with Britney Spears’s performance. My dad nonchalantly said that Britney was “maybe skinny for a mom but still fat for a woman”. He said that to his 11-year-old daughter.
I was insecure for so, so long.
Then comes 2021. After a pandemic shutdown that kept most of us at home for months, I’m an adult. I’m well past the eating disorder. I’ve graduated college. I make my own money. Screw it, I’m now just going to wear what I want. I’m officially not dependent on anybody else.
I wore Aerie leggings with a crop top. This was a new combination for me, and one that was trendy at the time. I was self-conscious at first; and worried about what my mom would think. She never would’ve let me leave the house wearing something like that growing up. I had been wearing the oversized T-shirt and Nike shorts combination for years.
I definitely spent way longer than I want to admit still sucking in my tummy. I spent way longer than I want to admit worrying about the shape of my butt, or my thighs rubbing together.
But it was so comfortable.
So over time, I adjusted.
My belly was out, every curve and line where everyone could see. My butt looked phenomenal. My thighs were being gently hugged by each other and the leggings with every step. Even my back rolls played peek-a-boo if I needed to reach something from a high shelf.
You could see pretty much every part that I’d been forced to hide before. I was the most visible I had ever been.
After a decade of either squishing everything in with Spanx, or completely hiding under a babydoll dress: leggings and a crop top freed me. I finally saw my body in real time. Every soft bit, I knew exactly what it looked like. I knew exactly what I looked like.
It took a while to make peace with certain parts of myself. But I could finally look at every part of me and look at every part put together to form the whole of me and be okay with it. I could finally see me and my body without shame and contortion.
My body dysmorphia is not gone. That part of me may not ever fully heal. But I made progress I’d never made before, because of this. Because of Aerie leggings and crop tops.
This particular method may not be for everyone.
This was the first of many times I’d leave my comfort zone. It definitely felt funny to start. Growth never comes without discomfort.
Looking back now, though, it healed me more than I thought it did.

Hello there,

I’ve always been painfully shy. I swore that I’d never approach anyone, and that I’d never let anyone know how I feel because being mysterious was my safety blanket. It was my safety blanket for many years, but soon I began to realize that it was also my shackle; a personal prison.

In order to set myself free, I had to allow myself to be uncomfortable.

But one day I did it.

I missed him. I thought about him daily. I worried about him. I needed to let him know how I feel.

The moment the words left my heart and mind and made their way to him, I felt overcome with anxiety and relief.

We grow when we leave our comfort zone, but we also battle thoughts from the enemy. Sometimes we are the enemy. But those thoughts in your head are just words. Words have power. They can either build you or break you. You have the power to choose what they will do to you.

He told me I made his day, but little did he know that he made mine even more.

Never underestimate the power of words, the power of a simple action.

It was that moment that constantly reminded me how important it is to let people know how much you care about them. The feeling of regret is much worse than my fears of the unknown. Never again will I cower from opportunities to share what’s in my heart.

And please friend, don’t let your fears shackle you as well. The greatest opportunities started out with a simple action. May that simple action of yours take place today.

Love, Cherie.

For years, I was always known as the quiet guy. I’d go to school every weekday (barring sick days, holidays, snow days, what have you). After school, I’d keep to myself and not go out on weekends.
I couldn’t hang out with people outside of school because I lived far away from the district. I was hungry for an outlet to express myself in a judgment-free environment.
Oddly, the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic gave me a sliver of hope to find the outlet I was looking for. In order to keep a daily routine intact (something that people on the autism spectrum, like myself), I started listening to podcasts.

I found one pertaining to 1990’s Nickelodeon, Big Orange Couch. After listening to the show for a while, I decided to email one of the hosts about a suggestion for an episode dissecting an installment of The Secret World of Alex Mack. I noticed that the guest character in the episode showed signs of autism. After a couple days of waiting for a reply, one of the hosts supported my idea and invited me on as a guest.

The big night came. It was a rainy Thursday night at the end of March. Usually, a rainy night kills the mood for some people, but not me. Within a few seconds of the recording starting up, I was cracking jokes in all directions.

I utilized my sense of humor advantageously and it was because of the icebreaking jokes that I was able to speak so openly about my autism. Before I knew it, an hour and 15 minutes ticked away and the recording was in the books.

Prior to March 23, I merely listened to podcasts. Now, I can say that I’m a podcast veteran. It all starts with finding a lane to open up.

Oftentimes the best opportunities have the strangest beginnings. This invitation to step out of my comfort zone is no different. It started with a meeting invite labeled “employee evaluation” coming into my inbox. Panic gripped me. I work hard, I do what I am supposed to, and I manage my many responsibilities to the best of my ability so in theory I should have nothing to fear, however anxiety and imposter syndrome make employee evaluations seem like imminent doom. So tearful and fearful I went into my evaluation. To my surprise it didn’t go the way I was expecting. My boss offered me a summer missionary position for a catechetical program called Totus Tuus. I had less than a week to decide how my summer would look.

I had applied for this position in 2018, but was not chosen. Things were simpler then, I thought. Now I had an apartment to take care of, rent and bills that needed to be paid, and I was in the middle of looking for a new roommate as my old roommate had recently moved out. As with many things I brought it to prayer. The words that came to mind were affirming that I should accept this position. My mind and heart were filled with the words of Mary in Luke’s gospel “Behold I am the handmaid of the Lord; be it done unto me according to your word.”

Still trying to discern I told my mom about the opportunity thinking that her practical side would find some reason not to accept it. But I was shocked to find that she was agreeable to it and was willing to work with me to make it happen. With that I decided to say “yes” even though I had no idea what I was saying “yes” to.

Training began and it became a little clearer as to what a typical day would look like. But still I had no idea the extent to which God would stretch and grow me throughout my time as a Totus Tuus missionary. After a commissioning ceremony it was time to go out to our first parish and to teach the children about the kerygma (first proclamation of the Gospel) and salvation history (all the events that lead to Jesus coming into the world and saving us through His death and resurrection….in summation the whole Bible) and the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary. What a tall order for just one week!

This Totus Tuus program allowed me to be a fool for Christ. I normally work in a very professional setting and so there are certain expectations of how I will act, speak, and even look. This opportunity to be a Totus Tuus missionary allowed me to become more child-like. I learned to not take myself too seriously. I sang songs about bananas while stuffing a banana in my mouth, I pretended that I spent 6 summers at magic camp and pulled flowers out of a top hat after praying for them, I got hit with a water balloon covered in paint. I laughed and I played, and I experienced joy probably more than I ever have before.

Another way that I noticed God stretching me is in my spiritual motherhood. I’m a single woman with no children, but at every parish I felt this overwhelming sense of protectiveness over these children and I found myself asking questions that I imagine that every parent asks themselves on a daily basis:

Do they know that I love them? How have I made that visible to them today?
Do they know how much God loves them?
What is it that I needed to know at their age and how do I share that with them?
Is this moment a learning moment or do they just need someone to empathize with them?

As the weeks went on I found my spiritual motherhood growing in a way that it hadn’t before. I found myself tending to scraped knees with band-aids, working to mend hurting hearts through having honest conversations with the children and sharing a bit of my own story with them, I found myself each day just loving them with a profound love and delighting in them. This profound sense of motherhood also opened me up to my daughterhood. I came to realize that in the same way that I had delighted in these children, God (my Father) had always delighted in me.

Another thing that Totus Tuus taught me was healthy detachment. We spent only one week at each of the five parishes we were assigned to. In that one week as mentioned above I came to know and love the children we were teaching. I’ve never been good at letting go….for crying out loud my first and last name combined spells “hang on.” It was rough having to leave them but I also knew that I had to trust that God would water the seeds that had been planted that week. Also, it was always in the back of my mind that this might be my only opportunity to be a Totus Tuus missionary so I couldn’t let my identity be defined by my position or what I was doing because in the end it was a temporary gig. Again I was free to lean into my own daughterhood.

Looking back I realize how Totus Tuus was also an invitation to be vulnerable and to be honest with my teammates about my wounds and to be honest with myself about where I am in the healing process. I ended up sharing with my team about my mental health issues and about my triggers. I had been so afraid to open up to them as we had only just met each other several weeks earlier. But when I shared I was met with love and compassion; I was met where I was. One of my teammates even went so far as to come up with another handshake because she knew that fist bumps trigger me. There were a few challenging moments where some triggers were brought up unknowingly by the people we were ministering to and in those moments, I was faced with my own brokenness and was prompted to ask God for healing of these deep wounds. This honesty has continued even after Totus Tuus has ended. I recently shared with my team members that I am praying a certain prayer for my healing for 54 days and each of my team members is joining me in praying this prayer for the entire 54 days. It has been so beautiful how this experience of community has invited me to be honest about my struggles and how they have rallied around me in them and have interceded for me.

Totus Tuus was one of the best “yeses” that I’ve ever said. I have grown so much in my identity as a daughter of God, in my friendships, in vulnerability and in my leadership skills. So I challenge you dear reader if you are at a crossroads trying to decide between pursuing a good opportunity or not don’t decide based off your comfort zone. Instead ask yourself “what could happen if I say yes?” And then trust that God has a plan better than you could ever imagine.

It is true that the best opportunities have the strangest beginnings, and it is also true that the steps we take out of our comfort zone, the “yeses” we say while trusting God often produce an abundance of growth. Be not afraid.