Dear Younger Self,

Just a little note from your future self who has become wise in some ways through time and experiences… When we stay in our comfort zones we make a little cozy space to cocoon ourselves which can cause for us to never move forward. Sometimes, we find ourselves pushing past that comfort zone that elevates us into a newfound mental and physical place. Other times stepping outside out comfort zones are just an illusion of the mind. The stepping outside of my own comfort zone comes with that first leap forward. Oftentimes, I get so wrapped up into my own headspace that I struggle to move. I become so paralyzed with that first step forward that at times I need to be shoved face first into a new phase of life! If only I just leaped more often rather than just mentally decipher the pro’s and con’s of the possible scenario before me, I would save myself so much mental turmoil! It is that first leap that is far more intimidating than staying in the unsteady place of not moving forward or just moving at all in general. Adapting to ones own comfort zones also leaves little the complex uncertainty of leaping forward that professionals argue is healthy for us. I am still not so sure about that.

When I was 21 years old I had pre-determined that I would never be a mother. I had planned through birth control, safe sex, and at time abstinence to insure I would never become a mother. I was certain I would screw up any child that I could raise and that I would forever have regret about how much I would mess up my own child. I had just decided to never go there and that in no way would I ever become a mother. Life had a different set of plans and did not fill me in on the plan. This year the child I had pre-determined I would mess up turned 21 herself. She was meant to be here and if ever I could pinpoint an exact moment where I see how one action radically changed my life is the day I took 10 pregnancy tests that all turned positive! She is my birth control, condom miracle child! I just didn’t know I would be any good at raising her! Becoming a mom meant I would need to shed the pre-determined manner in which I would metamorphosis from being a single entity into becoming someone else’s mom! If I was going to do this job well it meant I would have to strip away the selfish layers I had decided when I was younger I was going to wear with pride. No more self agendas for my life anymore because as I was growing her I felt the connection I had never experienced with anyone else ever before! My daughter was meant to be here and looking back 21 years I can honestly express that I would not have changed the circumstances that forced me out of my cocoon of comfort into being a mom! In fact, I did not mess her up! I am proud to admit I was one-hundred percent wrong on that front! Becoming a mom changed me forever and while some moments where you step out of your comfort zone only have momentary alterations into our lives, for me, becoming her mom radically changed me inside and out for the last 21 years of my life. I am not the same person at all. I was no longer a “me” but a “we.” Even as she has become an adult, I am still tethered to an invisible line of connection between her and myself because I grew her and I grew up with her. I grew up because of her! I didn’t allow myself to even entertain the idea that I would stay the same while I was pregnant with her. I could feel the change happening as I made very choice to be a present mom. I allowed myself to become completely changed as a person, and even more so as a woman. Did I make some mistakes along the way of raising her? Of course I have! I have however, radically owned the mistakesI know I have made with her. I have taken those many mistakes as opportunities to grow and to learn more about myself! Sometimes, that first leap towards growth is the best one you will ever take and changes you in a way that you only see years after you have moved forward.

Warmest Regards,

Your Future Self

S. Ludlum