When I moved here, I didn’t know myself. I certainly didn’t love myself. I don’t like to think that it took losing you for those things to happen, but I know that for a long, long time, you were my only trans friend— or you and your husband were, until you both died, the same night, in one another’s arms, nine years ago. I know that when you died my own trans baby was only five and still becoming an idea of a person. I wasn’t ready to face my grief over you or any grief over the trauma of my past. I felt like motherhood was the only way I could survive being trans and alone in the world. And then, their little hand tendrilled into mine like a vine and they came out when they were seven. When I fought for resources for them, I found a way to get a little of what I needed, too. Mateo, my friend, my confidante, my comrade, my dreamer, my laughter, my spark, I feel like you would understand these dark times we are facing right now and how much I miss you. You gave me permission to find warmth in the sunshine, roots in the earth, solace in the water, and breath in the air. I took this winter to grieve you and your husband, and so many other people and moments I have lost. I am planning now on how to take the rest of my life to thrive. I feel at peace in this way, this moment before the bloom. I feel so much gratitude for how your life gave me life, always. You did not fight for any of us in vain. I still wear gold shoes and black eyeliner, for you. Always love, always the trans flag and the chin up. We do not have the luxury of shame. I believe in us.

Dear Ralph,

You don’t know me, but I hope that you will get some comfort and love from a stranger with these kind words. Too often we ask children to carry too much, things that they shouldn’t have to carry. Then we facetiously shove the badge of “resilient” onto their lapel. While you most definitely are resilient, you shouldn’t have to be, and your strength came from responding to a stolen innocence at a heavy cost. I see the news stating that you are a wonderful child, an exceptional musician, and a caring brother. And while these qualities are very important to who you are- they don’t speak to you as a human being that didn’t deserve this. What happened to you was wrong on every level and our community should not be making excuses but should be comforting and holding you with our love and sitting with you through your journey to healing.

My heart cries out for you and your family and I hope you understand that you are not at all responsible for any of this. I hope you continue on with your passions and goals. I hope you don’t allow the evil of others to poison your soul with jadedness. And above all else, I hope you live fearless.

With Love,

Dear Angela, Mollie, and Mary Beth:
I’m so glad that we’re all friends with each other after all these years. While our paths crossed at different times when I was at YSU, I’m glad I got to know you just the same.

Angela, you were my co-worker in the Office of Marketing and Communications. We’d talk about this and that pretty much every day. You made me realize that I wasn’t too hip for the room when I was at YSU. You are, and always will be, awesome.

Mollie, you’ve always been most cordial to me. When I found out that you were going to be part of the Youngstown Press Club, my first thought was “Let’s go! I want in!” It was the best decision I’ve ever made.

Mary Beth (MB), what can I say about you that hasn’t already been said by me and your other students? Simply put: You are the best professor any YSU alum could ever had.

Lastly, I consider all three of you as my honorary moms. I love you all very much.

Dear Erin,

I remember the beginning of freshman year of college being worried about if I would be able to make friends as good as the ones I had at home. My naturally shy self wanted a place to fit in and longed for friendships that would be lifelong. Though my floor and I bonded well, I didn’t always feel like I fit in or that my friendships were as deep as I wanted them to be. That is until I met you. We bonded well. Our friendship continued through sophomore year. At the end of my sophomore year I knew I wanted to room with someone different, but didn’t know exactly who. One of my “friends” suggested that we room together. That was probably the nicest thing he ever said and did for me. I asked you if you wanted to room with me and was delighted when you said yes. Little did I know that rooming with you would lead to a lifelong friendship, lots of laughter, and a feeling of family.

We are so different. You are outgoing and extroverted. You start up a conversation with waitresses/waiters, cashiers, and random strangers on the street. You always have the cashier ring up your groceries so you can interact with them, while I rely mostly on self-checkout. I love to joke that you are my emotional support extrovert, as I am shy and like to keep to myself. You are a night owl and I am a morning person. You are from the city and I live in the middle of nowhere. We complement each other very well. What I admire most about you is your confidence, your strength and your ability to overcome adversity. Though you’ve been put through the ringer many times with school and health issues but you always bounce back. People may misunderstand your beautiful heart but it hasn’t seemed to dim the love you have for yourself (and I mean this in the best of ways). We’ve spent many a night laughing together, crying together, had epic photo shoots together and stayed up late talking about the men we like, and the boys we can’t stand. Ours is more than a friendship. It’s a sisterhood. I know that no matter what you’ve always got my back, and I hope you know I’ve always got yours.

You have a zeal for life that is unmatched. You make even the most mundane things fun. You don’t hold back or hide. In a world where people try to be anyone but themselves, you stand out for being authentically yourself. You radiate with joy and uniqueness and it is beautiful to see. You encourage, inspire, and provide a place for me to be my authentic self and I can’t thank you enough for that. I love you girlie and I can’t wait to see what memories we create this summer.

You are one of my best friends and I have no doubt that you will one day be my bridesmaid.

With love & admiration,

In the mid-15th century, you invented the printing press, thereby beginning the spread of the written word across Europe and eventually around the world. As a person who makes his living on the written word, I along with the rest of the writers the world over, want to thank you.

In modern times, we have social networks on the Internet, enabling us to communicate with our friends and family instantly, even if they live halfway across the world.

Everything has to start somewhere. For the spread of the written word, the starting place was the printing press. Technological advancements have enabled people to read books electronically.

If you were alive today, you’d be amazed at how far the written word has come. Thanks for all you’ve done.

Dear Dad,

I can’t remember the exact day or even the precise year that this memory took place. At the time, I was working for MSG Varsity, a high school sports network in the New York metropolitan area. I was probably about two years out of college and maybe 23 or 24 years old. That job was a breakthrough. It was my first steady on-air job. Before getting an offer to work for MSG, I must have been rejected by 100 stations. I was pursuing what many thought to be an impossible career as a TV sports reporter. So many naysayers told me I was wasting my time and my education. But not you, Dad. You told me never to give up on a dream. You told me you believed in me and tried to provide any resources possible to help me succeed.

That’s why this moment, which I am about to share, meant so much to me.

See on this day, I walked into work and everybody was buzzing about Emmy nominations. I was a young reporter in the number one market in the country, so my expectations were low. Then, just as I was about to start writing a script, one of my coworkers told me to check the Emmy nominations. They said they were almost sure they saw my name listed. I don’t remember if I read a hard copy or if I looked at the nominations on my computer or someone else’s computer, but I got a hold of the list, and sure enough, my name was printed twice. In my first year as a reporter, I received two Emmy nominations in the number one market in the country. Before saying anything to anyone, I went into the stairwell and started to cry as I called you to tell you the news.

That’s the moment that is etched in my memory forever. That’s the moment I will never forget. I remember how I felt overwhelmed with emotion and how I could barely even get the words out to tell you. I remember how happy you were to hear the news and how you told me to stop crying.

It wasn’t so much the recognition from the industry or that I got to go to the ceremony and wear a pretty dress that made that moment so special. Don’t get me wrong. All that was great too. But at that moment, I felt I had proved that your unwavering support and belief in me were worthwhile. That you didn’t waste your time or money investing in my dreams.

A decade and change later, I have yet to win an Emmy, even though I was nominated five more times after that. But that moment in the stairwell means more to me than any trophy. That five-minute phone call celebrating with you and hearing the pride in your voice were and are the only prizes that ever mattered to me.

I love you, Daddy. Thank you for always believing in me.

I don’t think I believe in heaven or hell much anymore . My beliefs are iffy . Why do I have to choose one thing , I won’t .. I don’t know where you are but the place I imagine is in a beautiful place with no pain no hurt . You have a big drum set & you’re playing and smiling and happy and okay . It’s been almost 10 months since I lost my brother , the closest person in my life . I’m starting to feel it more , I hope to feel your presence one of these days , I don’t know if you’re with me . I don’t know if you’ve thought about me , I barely know what to say half of the time . I try to order a margarita everytime I go out but it hasn’t been much . I’ve been alone since you left , I am alone . I wish you would’ve tried again . The day after you killed yourself do you wake up and watch me cry , watched your mom not be able to breathe , watch the dog be confused where you went . It’s crazy how life can continue to move on without you here . I love you forever . Grief is finally sneaking up on me , I can’t even speak about you with my eyes tearing up . I could 9 months ago . I could say it all , now I can’t . I don’t know why : I hope there’s a beautiful drumline in the sky . I hope you’re in paradise D .

Not a Second Apart

Not a second apart… born 1lbs and 13oz, you were there with me from the second I was born. You were there when I was first put on oxygen — not getting to see where I lived until Three months after May 23, 1996.

You were there when I first cried through those doors, it was you who lifted my head, letting me familiarize myself with what must’ve looked like a jungle… our house; a place you saw just a week before the Jewish holidays.

You were there when I had my first seizure at 2… the same time I was diagnosed with CP, which must have been somewhat of a bitter-sweet moment…after all those doctors I went to, or should I say we went to.

You were there when I first rolled over – which must have seemed like the first night of Chanukah, not knowing how many candles (activities of daily living skills I could do or how many key milestones I could reach).

When I wanted to go to college, it was you that I confided in and we made it through, fast-forwarding to now, when I timidity crawl through the process of finding a job, it is you that always reminds me, to keep being you, no matter how awkward you walk… never stop running to your dreams and jokingly or not jokingly saying, “ if you fall, you know how to get up!”

You are me and I will always love you!

Jake

Dear Mrs. Shuster:
Even though it’s been close to 13 years since I left the halls of Lakeview High School, but you are still my favorite teacher of all-time in my academic career. When I was just eight years old, you introduced me to The Rich Center at Youngstown State.

When I was 10, I was moved to your classroom and enjoyed every minute of it. Several years later, you moved to the high school. At age 15, you had a front-row seat to my pimply adolescence and saw how advanced my sense of humor became.

Around all of the fun we had, as well as going through the trials and tribulations of surviving high school while on the autism spectrum, you and I became family.

I could just see how proud you were of me at graduation that spring day in 2010. You are the best teacher in Ohio, and I consider you my honorary mom.

You’re the best, Mrs. Shuster! I couldn’t have made it through high school without you.

Dear Mom,

Growing up, I didn’t always appreciate you as I do now. I didn’t fully understand you as a child because our dreams were so different. At ten years old, I was outspoken and already very career driven. You always liked working and wanted to do well, but you never had a burning desire for a promotion or more responsibilities. For a long time, I thought you were less ambitious than me, but as the years passed, I learned that that’s not exactly correct.

Mom, you are the backbone of our family. When a crisis hits, you are the one we all turn to for comfort, support, and wisdom. You have this incredible ability to calm us all down while providing logical advice. When I got rejected by my crush in elementary school, you were the one who sat in my bed and told me I was beautiful. When I decided to go to private school 40 minutes from our house and then play for a travel soccer team 40 minutes away in the opposite direction, you (and dad) spent hours in the car, driving me back and forth. When I was worried about getting into college, you were the one who told me you were proud of me regardless of which school accepted me. When I opened up about my assault, you were the one who told me my response was normal and OK. When my ex-boyfriend passed away, you were the one who held my hand at the funeral. And when I started my business, you spent days on end sending out emails for me.

Mom, I have come to realize that you were and are very ambitious. You wanted, more than anything, to foster a loving family and you did whatever it took to make that happen. As a family, we have endured difficult situations together, and you have handled each with strength, grace, selflessness, and love. Every day, you have made our family a priority. To this day, you help us persevere through the most challenging moments of our lives, while also supporting us as we chase our wildest dreams.

Mom, you may not have wanted to be a boss in a boardroom, but you were/are one heck of a CEO in our household.

I am proud to be your daughter, as I admire and love you more than you’ll ever know.

With love,

MIKAELA LAUREN TICK!

I WRITE A DAY LATE. YOUR BIRTHDAY was yesterday: LITERALLY, I AM a DAY LATE.

On July 27, 2014, you passed, PHYSICALLY; it was a rare HEART CONDITION. YOU HAVE A RARE HEART. A golden HEART. Check that, a 💜! (your FAV COLOR) and an attitude akin to an 🐘 with its tusks ⬆️. You had those up EVERYWHERE

EVERY SINGLE PERSON feels a DAY LATE, A DOLLAR SHORT occasionally and it was those moments that you INFUSED YOUR SMILE to LIFT THEIRS UP!

That SMILE FEELS PRICELESS to EVERYONE; it IS PRICELESS EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY, FLOWING WITH GENUINE and PURE LOVE no MATTER WHAT, BUT, LIFTING people’s TUSKS up is YOUR SUPERPOWER!

YOU LITERALLY took the OCCUPATION out of OCCUPATIONal therapy: VOLUNTEERING at St. Mary’s, and ALWAYS HOLDING HANDS with EVERYONE!

KALS LOVES HOLDING HANDS -especially for people with DIFFERENT ABILITIES: Camp HELPING HANDS is where it started!!

So PLEASE put YOUR “HAND IN THE JAR and give ANY AMOUNT of MONEY AND/ OR TIME

LY, ALWAYS!!

Until we meet again,

🐘 ⬆️

Jakey!

Credit: Picture from MLT’s Instagram Page

Giselle,

I remember the day I met you
I know you do too
I was lost looking for the cafeteria and I saw you

That day was the first day in my new school as a freshman coming in midyear. I had nine more inches of hair, a bunch of metal in my mouth, two less teeth, and a shyness so natural to me I would never speak up in class (or dare to make a noise in a quiet room). But, something that day made me talk to you. I asked if you knew where the cafeteria was and that I was new. You said

no

You said

you were lost too

The best thing about this story is that we found each other when we were both lost. This may sound dramatic––and it kind of is––but I was truly lost in that point in my life. I was lost in this big city with no friends, no direction, but as God had it, you were new too. I’m so grateful for you. We grew with each other, laughed with each other, cried with each other, danced with each other, and we did all this knowing it was always meant to happen.
I don’t think I was me until I met you. You made me more bold. You gave me strength. When I was down about my talents that one day junior year and thought I had nothing going for me, you made a list of everything I was good at. You decorated it with your vibrant colorful pens, and gave it to me with a speech. I still have that list today and I’m still so grateful for it.
You always made me feel worthy and you have always grounded me. No matter how different we are, you have never judged me and always had faith in me. I know I would be a much different person if I never experienced your kindness, or never rapped the song Mona Lisa with you everyday on our way to school, or never cried with you over facetime because of IXL, or never graduated with you, or never asked if you were lost that day too.
You are the one person in my life I know I will never have to live without. Thank you for always being more than just a best friend to me. Thank you for being my life’s soulmate and my sister I never got to have.

Your forever person,
Braya

Dear Self,

As I look back into my past actions, I realize that there were things that I should have changed. It’s interesting how so many authors, politicians, philosophers have written about ‘the past’ in relation to our present selves, but we continue to belabor the point. McCarthy states in All the Pretty Horses, that “Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.” Without this reminder, we won’t learn the lessons that the past has taught us, but rather repeat them mindlessly as if we don’t know any better. As I recall my worst mistake, I realize today, that it could have been circumvented by simply communicating clearly. However, if you’re like me, and the problem is within the family, you omit speaking in order to be respectful and not hurt the feelings of those you love.
I’ve also learned, that when you speak your mind and express yourself concisely, you get the result you need: understanding. Without talking, how can others know how you’re feeling, or even how you’re affected by a particular event? Added to that, by discussing the problem, calmly, you get to see the different perspectives that each individual is coming from, rather than assuming you already know. I’ve learned that assuming someone’s motives for an action may be wrong, and that is what leads to greater misunderstandings and conflict.
I think that Katherine Anne Porter says it best, as she expresses it best in saying: “The past is never where you think you left it.” By that she means that with the information, maturity you had at the time, you can grasp a part of the events that occurred. However, in retrospect, having changed, become wiser through various experiences, makes your perspective of the event change with time. Here I don’t mean the actions that took place, but rather the reactions and assumptions that you had made.
I’ll sum up with my poetic version of this:

Communication is a tool
You use to oppress the pool
Of depression, that spawns from regret
Over actions taken in past event.

Couch your speech,
Make it into a delicate flower to preach
Behaviors that promote, compassion,
Understanding, love, and devotion.

Best,
Your wiser self

©️ Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

Doubt. That feeling of swirling thoughts, a floating stomach, a locked jaw… It’s amazing the sensory input your body creates when you are unsure of something. And equally amazing how assuredness feels so much more peaceful. We tend to second guess, invalidate, or discard reason when we chase after that feeling of assuredness, trying to make the best decision. And this is the reality of doubt, a distorted perception brought on by uncertainty and further exasperated by panicked attempts at diverting it.

Turning thoughts over and over again will not bring you clarity. You have to let things rest. You have to face your doubt head on rather than turning your back on it and chasing after certainty.

As someone who has lived in a constant loop of indecision, giving power away, regret, and rebellion, I know what it’s like to doubt yourself. I spent so many years weighing my choices against other people’s expectations that I lost my inner guidance. Doubting one decision and letting fear be my guide led me to doubting all my decisions because I was so unsure of what was correct for me anymore. This doubt and disillusionment caused me to rebel, to go further away from myself. I was chasing after assuredness rather than looking at what was holding me back. I had to break the cycle. I had to look at my doubt and question where it was coming from. I had to be friends with it.

I’ve been on a journey of befriending my doubt for three years now. What used to be a large, dark, gnawing figure is now more like an annoying itch or a scared kid who just needs some reassurance. But I wouldn’t be able to look at my doubt with this level of acceptance if I kept chasing the most correct and assured options to compare myself to. I never could have conquered and transformed my doubt if I didn’t befriend it.

While I agree with the general consensus “Don’t listen to those who doubt you,” I like to think that you should listen to your own doubt. Don’t take it as fact. Don’t let it guide your life. But listen to it. Take some time to figure out where your doubt is coming from. Then take some more time to figure out how you can transmute it into self-awareness. Don’t let doubt be your guide, just look at it as that a part of you that needs a bit more attention. A part of you that needs a friend.

To Those Who Doubt Themselves,

Most people never discover how far their talents can take them.

Instead, it is so easy to let doubt hold you back. It’s so easy to ponder if you are smart enough, good enough, or have the stamina to climb the mountain you see ahead. And, of course, it doesn’t make it any less daunting when you have naysayers – people who say you can’t do it. But what I want you to know and what my journey thus far has taught me is that you’re in control of your destiny.

There are so many instances in life where I was scared to pursue a challenge. When I got accepted to an Ivy League school, I didn’t think I was smart enough to attend. When I decided to start a business, I didn’t know if I had the experience or resources to pull it off effectively. And when recently, I decided to start learning how to code websites, I honestly didn’t know if my brain could absorb a computer language.

As I questioned my abilities in those circumstances, other people also doubted me. Here are just a few comments I heard from people:

“You’re not as smart as the other kids who go to Columbia. You won’t do well there.”

“Do you know how many people fail at starting a business? You’re wasting your time.”

“How are you going to learn to code on your own? There are so many levels to it. You’ll never be able to be proficient in it.”

Despite my doubts, and the doubts of others, I pursued each challenge anyway.

I repeatedly told myself, almost like a religious mantra, “If someone else can do this, I can do it too. If someone else can do this, I can do it too.”

I made the dean’s list every semester during my last two years at Columbia(I think). My very first post, when I started my business, went viral. And with computer code, I found a cheap course online, and I am enjoying learning to code. It’s actually coming to me pretty easily so far.

So, don’t listen to any of your doubters. They are projecting their fears onto you. Always have confidence in yourself because right now, you have no idea what you can accomplish in your life. But I promise you, if you take a chance, if you have a little faith in yourself, and never give up, you just might be one of the lucky ones to find out.

With Love,

To My Dear Little One,
I have waited for you for a long time. I pictured myself holding your little body and playing with you. I do so love my family and the thought of expanding my loving unit thrilled me to no end. After all I have 2 beautiful children that have always filled my life with so much joy. Adding a new person would only expand my world with new purpose and happiness.
Then it finally happened. The day I was waiting for with baited breath. You finally arrived. That very first time I held you was so sweet. My heart soared. You were so perfect. Now you are getting bigger and every day your smile brightens my day. I love our face-time meetings. I am excited to see the changes that happen every day as you get bigger and bigger. You are an amazing baby.
My love for you has added a new dimension to my every day life. You give me a moment of respite in my busy and sometimes stressful day. You are also so much fun to talk to in our baby talk love language. In addition, every day I try to think of a brand new love song to sing to my dear baby boy. My voice is terrible but you don’t seem to mind.
Thank you dear sweet little love for bringing so much sunshine into my life. To you my dear baby boy, as my sweet grandma Lottie would say to me in Yiddish ” Gut Guzunt” and much “Simchas” in your life.
Your Grandma,
Shelley

To people who are too hard on themselves.
When I meet young people who have low self esteem or lack confidence it makes me sad. I was raised with a lot of love so I always felt special. But many people come from homes where there isn’t a lot of support. As a result there is no one to bolster them up when they fail. I wish I could be there for all the young people who need someone to tell them its ok to have setbacks. I would tell them they must keep trying because eventually they will succeed. And I will always be there to catch them if they fall.
When I was a 7th grade teacher in New Jersey I had a student who was failing math. When I would meet with this young girl she told me she just couldn’t keep up with the class in this subject. She just felt getting a good grade would be impossible for her. She was sad and dejected. As a teacher, it was my job to bolster her up. So thats what I did. I gave her private tutoring sessions 2 times a week for several months. Slowly but surely her test scores went higher and higher. She started to feel more confident in her math skills. By the end of the year she had a B average in math. How very rewarding that moment was for both of us.
I have learned so much by just journeying thru life all these many years. We all have our own personal strength that we can tap into when needed. I also believe we are not an emotional island. We must all reach out and seek support. If your heart is open you will find that there is love all around you. You just have to be willing to accept the miracle so appropriately put by Hilary Clinton.. It takes a village.