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  • Thank you so much for your kind words . I appreciate that . It’s definitely a a coaster of enthusiasm. Grief is a scary and weird thing . The cycles feel endless

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  • To The Life You Took

    I don’t think I believe in heaven or hell much anymore . My beliefs are iffy . Why do I have to choose one thing , I won’t .. I don’t know where you are but the place I imagine is in a beautiful place with no pain no hurt . You have a big drum set & you’re playing and smiling and happy and okay . It’s been almost 10 months since I lost my brother , the closest person in my life . I’m starting to feel it more , I hope to feel your presence one of these days , I don’t know if you’re with me . I don’t know if you’ve thought about me , I barely know what to say half of the time . I try to order a margarita everytime I go out but it hasn’t been much . I’ve been alone since you left , I am alone . I wish you would’ve tried again . The day after you killed yourself do you wake up and watch me cry , watched your mom not be able to breathe , watch the dog be confused where you went . It’s crazy how life can continue to move on without you here . I love you forever . Grief is finally sneaking up on me , I can’t even speak about you with my eyes tearing up . I could 9 months ago . I could say it all , now I can’t . I don’t know why : I hope there’s a beautiful drumline in the sky . I hope you’re in paradise D .

    Kierra

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    • Kierra, I am so very sorry for your loss. Grief is nauseating rollercoaster ride. All your feelings are so valid, and your response is so normal. Sending you the biggest hug. I know your brother is somewhere watching over you. Sending you and your family so much love. <3 Lauren

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      • Thank you so much for your kind words . I appreciate that . It’s definitely a a coaster of enthusiasm. Grief is a scary and weird thing . The cycles feel endless

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    • I’m sorry you had to lose such a impactful person/the closest person in your life. I know it was hard when you found out he was gone. But it will get easier. Just keep fighting and pushing his memory.

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    • So sorry for you, because a times, I feel the same way. We suppose to believe there’s a Heave and a Hell, but to me, most of the time I feel that Hell is on earth. I never knew how death really feel until I lost my mom. I hated almost any and everything that was moving in the world, because my mother wasn’t. How fair is that? Yes, it gets a little…read more

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    • I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope he’s in a place of beauty and in no pain. Grief is difficult but as time goes on it’ll get easier. The pain will fade. Just take it one day at a time.

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  • Free Bird

    dear byrdy ,

    she doesn’t call us that anymore , she hasn’t since we were 13. such a long time ago , feels like a century . we got through our “terrible” twenties and made it to our thriving thirties , i’m hoping we did . I am hoping we made it to 23, 26 , 38 , 54 ,67 . do the words that mother said still matter to us and linger in our heart ? she couldn’t love us so she “hopes we find someone who will” . you did , didn’t you , they love you much , they love you whole! I knew it .I hope you found home in yourself , you’ve been searching for 20+ years . I hope you found a foundation in someone else .i hope they are soft and patient and kind. how is our forever friend ? he still a rough doggy , he loves us very much . are you at peace ? are you your favorite self , we tried so many years to be our best self – not our favorite. I hope we are our favorite. did you allow your independence to grow ? hopefully you allowed someone else in . how was New York ? did you get to watch hamilton , so sad it wasn’t the original.

    it’s silly we are talking to ourselves in third person , second person , we are a person . did we ever remember that ? we are a person , human , as strong as we are we are breakable . I have a feeling that our 2 jobs turned into 1 . Did we find our writing passion ? go back to school for it . I hope the book business is booming , poetry is in season still ? . It’s be some time since we spoke to each other so many things I want to know , how many tattoos do we have ? do we scream our fav songs and do weird dance moves in our house ? are we married ? do we still work at the hospital? do we love someone else ? do we pray ? do we heal ? do we grieve him still ? where do we live ? what do we do ? are we okay ? are we still standing ? did we make it ? are we allowing ourself to breathe?

    overbearing ourselves with questions! We are so excited to know . so strong and so beautiful and so wise , i hope your tears turned into a river where you floated far away , away from this city , away from your pain , away from your grief , away from your trauma , away from her . I hope your story is beautiful and your life is pure . I hope you live and you dance and you sing and you cry and you hope . I hope you know you’ve made it so far and I am so proud of you . I hope you know you’re more than what she didn’t give you , you are more than life and light . this is your world , your story , your everything . stop being so hard on yourself , stop comparing yourself to everyone else . fly byrdy , until you are where you want to be , just fly .

    Kh

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    • KH This is so moving and so powerful. This line is so real, ” I hope you know you’re more than what she didn’t give you.” Her shortcomings have nothing to do with you. You are strong and amazing. And you are finding your way despite the adversity you have faced. You ask so many questions, and yet I truly believe you already know all the ans…read more

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