@mmansfield28 Your letter is really touching. I emphasize with the grief you’re feeling with the loss of your older sister. Losing someone close to you like that is a brutal thing to go through. Like yourself, I’m not an open book either. I have to get to know a person to be an open book. Like Lauren mentioned in her reply, I lost my mom at an early age. It happened three days after my 12th birthday. When I saw her in the hospital with so many tubes around her, I didn’t know that would be the last time I would see her before she passed. Her passing changed the world that I knew. I was so used to seeing her cook her favorite foods, watching her favorite soaps, and seeing her on the couch, and then one day all that changes. For me, there was a lot of uncertainty and confusion after she passed. It took a year for me to accept her being gone as the new normal. Plus, I didn’t grieve like how I wish I did. So there was a lot of holding in emotions that didn’t come out until years later when I finally got to a place where I could think about my mom without tears wanting to come out of my eyes. Your children are going to love you when you have them. There is so much love pouring out of your letter. It’s beautiful to see. You have so much to live for. I hope (and this is easier said than done) that you be easy on yourself and know that your older sister is rooting for you. 🙂 Gerald