When I thought that I was not enough I rendered myself vulnerable. Vulnerable to the lies that felt like admiration, being that vanity was my strong suite. Being considered special beyond merit occupied my sensibility of logic. He love me, he loves me not, they love me, they love me not projected possibilities of a connection within my worth. My worth, what does that intel. At one point in my life, it required me to be a good girl and to just go with the flow. To allow myself to be love bombed with words of affirmation and acts of service, because how could you not love me after all of that, right. Pint up moments of confusion and self-doubt. Am I being punked, where is Ashton, consumes my filtered emotions. Emotions of overwhelmed perception of a bond beyond expectation while trying to enforce self-love. I earned the self-esteem that I, at one point, lacked. I also learned the power of self-love and self-validation and that I can end up being my own kryptonite. Although I might not be everyone’s cup of tea, I now know that I am enough.

I see you sitting there on the deck hugging your knees, a blanket around your shoulders. I see you chain smoking, your mascara running down your face in a river of tears, your hands shaking and your headaches.
The police have left, your parents have left, you are home from the hospital. He’s in jail, at least for the night. Alone on the deck, your babies are asleep in their beds. You wonder how much this will affect them. Will they remember? They are so young; what will you tell them? As you bury your head in your hands, I can see your too-thin body shaking with fear, with anxiety, doubts swirling around in your mind like so many black clouds. As with so many nights before, you will not sleep tonight.
I am sitting beside you, even though you can’t feel me or see me. My arms are around you and I am whispering strength and love into your ear. Please know that you didn’t bring abuse on yourself. The cruel words and bruises you carefully cover with makeup are the work of someone who has deep wounds himself. Your husband who speaks love out of the same mouth that calls you vile names, whose hands hold you tenderly and then viciously strike you, tossing your body like a rag doll is responsible. You both bear scars from childhood trauma, from parents who love you in their best yet broken way. Forgive them; you all have a long way to go before this chapter is over.
Tomorrow you will go to file a restraining order; he will be served with papers before he is released. You will go to court, the order will be granted, and you will not look at him again for a year. Take a deep breath; you will find the courage to get through this. People will watch you, not knowing how to help. Their generation was one that kept this kind of thing secret. Your friends will offer prayers on your behalf, but not one will speak the supportive words you long to hear, nor will they offer a safe place to rest. Please don’t take this as not loving you, they do.
The two of you will divorce and raise your children together in a loving and supportive way. Your children will know the love of a bonus mom; she’s amazing. You will have no regrets, many experiences, and understand that healing is a lifelong journey.
Dry your tears, get some rest. Allow yourself to have a happy life; know that you are not only good enough, but you are also amazing.

Intensified whispers of life’s uncertainty. Desperate inner standing conveying braveness. Hard with no give, gives way to the tramples of urgency undiagnosed. Abstract visualization of informative display. Periodical division imitating strength when all I want is a shoulder to lean on. Shackled limbs mimicking protection while a handheld gesture offers direction. Direction to mercy’s grace and will. The will to fight beyond my optimism for within optimism I blame doubt. Pain numbed awareness, confusing the severity of an affect, that white lining of a barrier breach. Gradual adjustments of healing and hope. My tower moment, my introspection, my change.

To Young Chris,
You will live your life in a community of people who will come and go. They will agree and they will argue. No one will ever see the world the same as another, a fact that can both fortify or tear apart any relationship.
Don’t worry about what other people think of you; they do not know your experience. You can do whatever your heart desires; you will be great. Keep in mind you should not live by the fear that governs someone you love and trust. Guard yourself from being influenced by her rules, her warnings, her harsh criticism. You do not have to live within her walls; built to protect her. She has fought many battles of her own, leaving her wise and strong. She will give you gifts beyond compare. You will uncover them in time; her gifts will be your treasure.
You will spend so much of your life doing beautiful things. Success is yours with each new thing you do; you will struggle. When something ends, it is not failure, as each ending marks a beginning. Each time you fall, you will get up and dust yourself off. Raising your family will bring so much joy; there will be times your children raise you, let them. Trust yourself, trust your faith, howl at the Moon. The Sun will warm your back and you can dance in the rain. Marvelous things are in store for you, so don’t hide, accept the gifts with gracious exuberance. Each challenge you face will sharpen your wit, exercise your patience, and uncover knowledge that was buried deep within. You will never be alone; there are new friends with every smile you share. Believe me, there will be bitter tears. This path has many perils. You are strong, resourceful, and resilient. Sorrow will feel like an inescapable abyss. Let the dark embrace you like a protective covering. When you are ready, the joy in the light will be incredible. You will have no regrets.
No matter what is going on in your life, remember that you don’t need to be perfect to be loved. You can achieve whatever you want to achieve. The choices you make will always be the right choice for you. Take that trip to Nepal, Hike the PTC. Ride all the horses and bring your kids. Being a little feral is good for all of you. Life is to be lived; everything will turn out just fine. Believe you can, and you will.

Dear Old Self,

Listen up and listen good. I understand that life is a lesson you must experience on your terms, but here are a few words of wisdom that would have made your life’s journey a little easier. I have a long list of things I could say, but knowing you, I need to keep it short and sweet. So here goes my top six.

Accept people for who they are. Never expect them to live up to the expectations you set for yourself. Their journey in life differs significantly from yours, I promise. If requiring others to live up to your expectations is a prerequisite for a relationship, you are setting them up for failure, and disappointment will be yours alone. That’s another promise I make to you. Differences make people unique individuals. Learn to find the value of your differences and see the beauty in others.

Relax. Don’t take things so seriously. It’s ok to be passionate without perfection. Remember, flexibility over rigidity. Life will throw you a curveball at any moment. Many of them, as a matter of fact. Relax and enjoy the pleasant moments. You’ll thank me later.

Make every moment memorable. Rather, with a stranger or a loved one, memories are to be cherished forever. Unfortunately, time will erase a few. It’s just a part of growing older. I always say growing older is better than the alternative, so make the best of every moment and hold on tight to those memories.

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. How else will you learn? Everyone makes mistakes, and no one person on this earth is exempt, no matter what they tell you. The key is to learn from your mistakes by acknowledging them, figuring out how not to keep making the same mistakes, and moving on. This would have helped you grow into the phenomenal woman you were meant to be much sooner.

Extend grace to yourself and others. Life is hard enough. Choose acceptance over judgment. Show compassion and understanding even when under challenging circumstances. Give unconditionally and not with intentions. The power of patience and prayer for yourself and others will become your superpower. Everyone needs these things to make it through life, and you are not exempt my dear.

Finally, understand that it is okay not to be okay. This road has seen many travelers. Invest in your mental health, seek help when needed, and do the work. At the end of the day, you are your most prized possession. Throughout life, you’ve prioritized others and put yourself last. I’m telling you now, you can’t truly take care of others if you’re not taking care of yourself.

I wish I could have shared these words earlier to ease your life a bit and lighten your struggles. But just in case you were wondering, despite any bumps in your road, you turned out to be one amazing lady.

Sincerely Yours

Style Score 76%

Life can be a bitch
But the reality of the storm
Can lead to growth
I trust that I am still learning
As my life is becoming
A wonderful garden
Fine tuning myself
Every step of the way
I am blossoming
Into the person I ultimately knew I could be
Living in my purpose:
Writing
Making all my words count
Sharing stories about my life,
Who am I,
Who I used to be,
All that I’ve been through
Allowing people to see me for me
Being vulnerable
And transparent
Making connections with others
Sharing one common goal:
Expressing ourselves through Poetry
I just love that for me
For us
I’m so glad to be a part of a community
That allows me to speak
Hearing my cries,
Hearing my laughs,
Seeing my tears,
Embracing me with hugs
And giving me cheers
As my words are heard near and far
I wish that they continue to
Motivate and inspire
‘Cause I’m truly living my dreams out loud!

 Hey World

Under a layer of soft earth, a little sprout reaches for the warmth of the sun and the brush of a soft breeze. This little sprout is here, alive and growing in this time and place. It is a miracle. A small child is born, a body filled with potential, a life filled with promise. A miracle.

I was born a long, long time ago. My body grew as bodies do, following a timeline of normal progression. My childhood was a mix of experiences, each laying the foundation of knowledge and beliefs. As a child, I saw the world from a child’s perspective. I regarded everything around me with curiosity. Each experience, each touch, taught me something. I learned all lessons well, each making me who I am today. 

My life has had times of growth and rest, ebbing and flowing with the seasons and the cycles of the universe. There were glorious smells of the places, the foods and the things that are anchored forever in my brain, making connections to memories and feelings. There were colors that created a feast for the eyes and sounds that played a soundtrack for my life. 

People have come and gone in my life, each for a purpose. Each person leaving indelible marks on my soul. Places and careers have come and gone. With each new beginning, the thought, “how did I get here? I didn’t see this coming” crossed my mind. My vision and understanding increased in scope and gained depth with each change. Pets and animals have been constant companions and protectors every step of the way. They have offered unconditional love, clear communication, and boundless opportunities for impromptu adventures. 

A perfect storm has twisted, scattered, (never lost) and bonded each experience into the exceptional blossom that is me and my life. With mindfulness, I planned a trip to sort my feelings, to understand experiences, to give myself grace, and the peace only understanding can provide. My trip included quiet and explosive times alone. Possibly sharing too much information with trusted friends and family. On the way to where I am I wrote, I took pictures and painted. Looking around my home and my brain, it is an explosion of colors and feelings. Life, just like art, is a process. You can’t hurry it along. There were moments of travel—brief trips, long hikes and times floating between trees in my hammock, swinging softly, listening to the whisper of the wind and the songs of the birds. With my dogs, of course.

A blossom is a thing of great work, of casting off the old and accepting the new. Of honoring the past, living in the present and holding space for walking bravely into the future, as it becomes my now. I fill my life with authenticity, intentionality, and responsibility. I have claimed ownership of my body and thoughts, and in doing that I have realized safety I have never known in my life. My life is blossoming with a sense of self worth that I have never had, and the fleeting thought that I don’t need to be perfect to be loved. I have forgiven generational trauma. I turned it into fertile ground for growing. Along the way, came the realization that judging past events by the knowing of today is not good practice.

Life is blooming everywhere around me, lifting me up, showing me the panorama of beauty that exists. This time it’s the whole vista, not just one leaf at a time. 

Our eyes meet.

I smile at you.

Sometimes you smile too.

Sometimes you look away.

We’re not friends,

But we could be.

There’s space between us.

A comfortable distance.

Or does the comfort only belong to me?

I assume it’s there because you want it to be.

You like the space between us.

But what if I’m wrong?

Maybe you wonder if I want the space between us.

I do.

It keeps me safe.

It keeps me from getting hurt.

It keeps me from finding out how you truly feel about me.

Because I fear being rejected by you,

I will maintain my reserve.

I will choose loneliness.

I forget sometimes that I play dead
while I’m alive in my head,
so I turn into a puppet,
performing for strangers I’ll never see again,
clapping along with the rhythm of a conversation
I don’t know how to join.

Simon Says: “Go back to your cage,”
and I obey,
letting the circus of my mind keep me entertained.

Self-destruction never felt so familiar,
but it’s a routine I know well,
so I hide there—
a place to forget the awkwardness of breathing
when the world is watching,
when I can’t be anyone but the ghost of myself.

See, I see dragons in the clouds,
pirates on the street,
and treasure buried in the spaces between words.
I’m Alice, falling,
finding safety in the rabbit hole
because it’s quieter there.

Forgive me if I hide in these thoughts
and call it peace,
but it’s not you,
it’s me—
a thousand thoughts running wild,
all seducing me,
a mental circus that can never sit still.

I wish my mind were kinder,
less demanding,
less sharp with its edges.

I wish it didn’t take everything so personally,
but rest is a luxury
I can never afford.

So, forgive me when my eyes glaze over,
and my thoughts wander—
concentration escapes me
like a dream that can never last.

Me, myself, and I are strangers
in a house we built,
but none of us are brave enough
to ask for help,
because the patience it takes to untangle these thoughts
feels like something I’ll never find.

I wish my answers came easier,
but when you ask,
what’s on my mind?
I choke on the words,
the answers taste like nothing at all—
“I’m fine,”
and I say it like a script,
memorized, rehearsed,
until I believe it.

The show must go on,
but it’s a performance I can’t keep up,
so I wear the mask of a clown
and hope no one notices
how much I’m pretending.

I’m buried beneath my thoughts,
and this little light of mine
is flickering,
waiting for someone to notice
that I’m lost in the dark.

So, let’s talk about distractions,
about the peace I fake,
the mask I wear,
and maybe then you’ll understand
why I disappear when I should be present.

Please, don’t judge the silence,
because it’s just me,
thinking out loud,
trying to find my way back.

Sometimes I cry silently beside you
But my tears burn loud like screams
Your ears are so hollow
Like my voice is shallow
I wonder if I’m talking in a dream
Because I don’t feel heard

My concerns bounce off the wall like an empty apartment
My worries shut away in a chest locked with a one of a kind key
Insecurities become secrets because only I listen to them

Hear me
Acknowledge me
Validate me

I’m drowning in your rebuttals
Your disregard seeps through my pores
I choke on your counter neglect

How do we continue on?

Capturing the true essence of when

The love story began

I smile

Reminiscing on the rhymes

That made me laugh

Easy to create interesting patterns

Some so elementary

Yet so catchy

My words were my power

My emotions needed an outlet

My voice found a safe space

With each line

My love grew fonder

I felt more alive

Whenever I read my words

I was a bit surprised

A master in disguise

My pen was my secret weapon

The words I collectively gathered

Made me aware

That it wasn’t a mere coincidence

Once I started writing

I could never stop

Until I did for a brief period

When my mother passed away

I stumbled on a mental block

My passion had died

Until an angel came to rescue me

Reassuring me that I needed my own words

To revive me

My creativity had never left

I was lusting momentarily

But when my passion

Reminded me that the time was now

I knew that poetry was my true love

It definitely saved me!

My Dearest Muse,

You have been my love since the beginning of my time. You put your stamp on some of the earliest memories in my mind. Your presence in my life calms my soul and nourishes my existence. You always know what I need to hear, speaking the words that vibe with my inner thoughts as you take me places far away from here. You were my first Love. The only Love that has been with me since way back when. I could sit and listen to you all day as my soul gravitates, clinging to your every word. Your words have taught me about love and life while guiding me spiritually, as I’ve used you to call on God in times of need or give thanks for the many blessings I’ve received.

Back in the day, I would lie in bed listening to you all night, falling asleep with you by my side. By day, I would sit on the floor surrounded by your presence, mimicking your words as we reminisced, and I dreamed, blown away by the effect you had on me. I could dance to your words, and when life got tough, I could cry to your words. You have been with me through every turn in my life. I am so very thankful to have you as my vice. 

As the years have passed, my love for you has grown. When I wake up in the morning, I turn to you. Throughout my day, I think of you. Before I lay down at night, I am reminded of you. The sound of your words echoes in my head. What would my life be without you? This is something I never intend to find out. The silence would be too much to bear. Together, we have created the soundtrack of my life. How could I live without you, the thing that keeps me going? The place where I go to escape and find solace is with you. You are always there for me, close to my heart and embedded in my soul. Unforgettable you are. I love all versions of you, my love, my muse, my music.

Always and forever,

Me