Well.. I mean… 2024 isn’t really over yet…
But I’m almost willing to bet…
That my greatest moment hasn’t happened yet…
Words can’t begin to describe how long I’ve waited…
Or how many years it’s felt like my hearts been deflated…
Wrestling often with the thoughts I’ve debated…
The amount of time I’ve spent suffering alone…
A chill that that sinks into the depths of the bone…
Yet to finally find a woman… I can call my own…
Words can’t begin to describe how much joy she brings
A treasure truly greater than anything
Which is why I chose to buy her a ring
That I may claim her as mine
A gentle beauty so fine
As if crafted by a hand divine
Kind, loving, hardworking and diligent
She is truly magnificent
Almost as if she’s been heaven sent
She came to me at a time when I was at one of my lowest
So I hope to give her all of my best
To be able to provide her with a life of comfort and rest
And tho our journey together has not officially begun
I still find myself utterly stunned
For I can see her being the mother to my daughters and sons
If there’s one message to her I hope to send
Its that my love for her knows no end
All that’s left, is for my to knee to bend…
So I suppose…
It’s time for me to propose
With a ring and a rose

A friend once told me, “Wait until you get home to the States and see someone freak out like their whole day is ruined because someone messed up their coffee.”
Only for me to return to the land of the free…
To truly see how privileged and ungrateful we are…
I’m not denying that we all have our scars
The hardships that be
Yet we’re blessed beyond what we ourselves see…
My relatives grew up stereotypically poor
As their physically abusive drunk of a father left them wanting for more
Often abandoning them, and leaving them to live with different relatives
Who really didn’t have two craps to give
And when they had a home, their power would be shut off because they couldn’t pay the bill
Their food was often stale. Their clothes withered and torn
Only to be passed onto the next born
There was so much that could crush one’s will.
They had no gas in their car, and struggled to pay rent
As for an idea of their life cruel
One of them was once beaten because he needed a pencil for school
Yet there’s one message to me that same relative sent:
“We still have it better here than other people in the world. There’s people who are willing to help, and programs to help give us opportunities. There’s people in the world who don’t have that”
And I’ve never forgotten that…
As my own journey has unfurled
I have tasted and seen
Both what he and my other friend mean…
I’ve witnessed people fleeing their homes and pitching up tents
For the bombings refused to relent
My heart was heavy as a boulder
When I saw an elderly woman who was hit by shrapnel, and all of the flesh could be peeled from the back of her shoulder
Yet the doctors turned her away because she wasn’t a serious enough case
The realization of it all… I couldn’t stop the tears down my face
People scrambling to make themselves seem of use, in the hopes we wouldn’t send them back
Playing with kids, who for a little while, got to act like a normal kids
Things that could make anyone’s heart crack:
Mothers overjoyed to just see their kids having fun and full of joy
Fathers thanking you because of the smiles on their wife, girls, and boys
Or having to see the misfortune
Of seeing a child show up without his parents, because now he’s an orphan…
Now let’s move onto a different location…
Different place, different nation…
The capitol of the country is like that of a small city
Compared to our standards it’s almost a pity
You barely have to go just a few miles out
To witness people who are really going without
Living in wooden shacks with dirt floors
Only a cooking pot, and one mattress for a family of ten
But they were so friendly and kind, I would love to go there again
They were incredibly glad
To bend over backwards, offering you anything they had
It seemed so surreal…
Strangers inviting us to their homes and cooking us meals
Like… “I want to bless you, but instead you’ve blessed me!”
And it really began to open my eyes to see just how much of the States is a mess….
How we get hung up on issues so petty…
I watched a beggar with no legs, hopping up and down in a handstand for change…
So to get hung up on issues so small… to me… is kinda deranged…
But again… why don’t you tell me…
What exactly’s wrong with your coffee?

Thinking back, it feels so surreal
Almost like that time in my life wasn’t real…
A young hurting heart, full of anger and hate
Yet also consumed by this hollow emptiness
A hardened stone beating in my chest
Living in a constant state of unrest
Man… I really was a mess…
A suicidal teen ready to accept my fate
Chasing after anything to escape the feeling
Only for it to fester, internally reeling
Washing down pills with liquor
Til my head would hit the floor, and I’d watch the lights flicker…
Using cocaine to ease the pain
Opiates to go numb
And ecstasy to free myself from the mass of misery I’d become
What started as a release and a way to “let loose”
Became my form of self abuse
As scars on the skin are hard to hide…
Tho for a time I tried….
Suicide was something I didn’t just think about, but began to idolize
Cursing God that I’d ever been born
I’d look in the mirror at the thing I despised;
The kind and gentle kid, who’s heart had been tattered and torn
The misfit who just wanted to belong
Downtrodden by this worlds scorn
Til he believed everything about his existence was wrong
I saw myself as less than nothing
Not even a person, only a husk of a man
Wanting to just fade from memory
To set myself free
I started formulating plans
To finally end the suffering
In a moment of desperation
I made a proclamation
To the very God that I cursed
Putting down the knife
Telling Him I’d give Him one opportunity to do whatever He wanted to do with my life…
My wounds He started to nurse
His Spirit touched the depths of my soul
And for the first time, I was whole
The healing process was fast but slow
As I had to face my hurt, and learn what it is to forgive and let go
I learned that this heart I was belittled for
Is something Christ truly adores
The drugs lost their appeal
As they couldn’t compare to the wholeness His presence made me feel
There was nothing of myself that earned His love and acceptance
But only by accepting the covering of Christ’s blood and receiving His mercy
Was I truly set free
And that night was my turning point, my first act of repentance

Three times I’ve prayed over a vision You, the Lord of hosts, have shown
First You said “trust Me” second “just be” third You said, “you’re not. I am. Just sit back and be amazed at what I’m going to do.”
And however “it” is to be, I have not a clue…
But You said I was going to Russia, when others told me the idea I should abort
Because they were leaving in two weeks, and I had not a passport
Yet we were all baffled when it came in a week and a half.
Or when You said I was going to the Middle East
But as to how, an idea I had not in the least
Only to sit in a church, with the specific destination You said on the screen
And the pastor reading genesis 12:1, “Get out of your country, from your family
and from your father’s house,
To a land that I will show you.”
Therefore I knew, You mean what You mean
Only to visit another church, for a man to introduce me to a woman
She said they were leaving for there in three weeks
But in my spirit, I knew it was the journey I was to take
And my job, security, and life I was ready to forsake
Or when I awoke, and You said Guatemala while I was still in a daze
No money, no means, but a trust in Your ways
Only for people You touched to give me money to go, and to buy the ticket for my plane
Or how I still find it insane
How You’ve sent me back three times to the desert sands
Without a dollar leaving my hands
Downtrodden and feeling down on my luck
Praying because I needed to find a new truck
But You already know the needs that I have before I ask
And I found myself basking in Your glory with a huge grin
When I test drove a truck with a sermon on the radio and my name in the VIN
Thinking back to when my book I knew not how to publish
Yet You sent a long lost friend, who randomly told me how to fulfill my wish
But that is not all
For You care about the big things, but also the small
Like when I needed stove top cleaner
And not a soul on this earth knew but You…
The joyful demeanor I had when I came home to find it hanging from my door
I could go on, for You’ve done so much more
But as part of my story has been unfurled
The message I wish to share with the world
Is just what the Lord said… “trust Me.” And “just be.”

A childish dream…
A simplistic scheme…
To be not a man but a myth, or rather a man who doesn’t exist
A silly desire that continued to persist
But as to how to pursue, I had not a clue
Until I realized, I’m the point in which two bloodlines converge
And I loved the way their names sounded when merged
Thus Donald M. Clyde was born
To hide myself, he was my mask worn
Under his guise I started to write
And as people responded, my heart was full of delight
Until I started to write under my God given name
Only to see life play a sick little game
The bitter irony of using a pseudonym…
To see people not like me, as how they loved him
And thus I’ve found myself taking up his mantle again
And see myself as a man who’s been enslaved by his pen
Just wishing that the world would know my name’s….

Looking back… man… we were all so young…
Back before any of us had a story to be sung
I remember us being little kids, kicking soccer balls on the field
The years spent in school, back when we all thought we were so cool
Man it felt like back then, time would just yield
Then we graduated and went our separate ways
But I still remember that day, years since I last saw you
The sheer excitement and joy on your face to see me, pierced me right through
Living your life so light hearted and care free
The encouraging words you spoke to me
Were the push I needed to finally publish my book…
When I got that phone call, my whole core was shook
And my breath took a pause
As I heard you were mercilessly beaten without cause
Cast down to the waters below, where you drowned
Spending your last moments alone, with no one around
When reality struck, I couldn’t control how I flailed
Or stop the tears that I wailed
As I was thrown into utter travail
The whole community felt the void
As the life of one of our own was destroyed
But I believe there was a beauty in the floods of people who gathered to grieve
For it was a truly remarkable sight to see
The unfathomable amount of lives one young man had impacted
And that’s a fact, it can’t be retracted
Yours was a life taken too young
But I refuse to let your story go unsung
You were always there to lift people up when they stumbled
Your motto’s eternal: be kind, give thanks, stay humble

From the womb you were torn
And since the time you were born
Brought to this earth
You’ve fought for your worth
Everything of yourself you’d give
Struggling to find a purpose just to live
Belittled for being sensitive
Because that’s not how a man’s meant to be
Alone, hurting, and misunderstood
Wanting anyone to see your heart, but was as if nobody could
Tormented to the point you wanted not to be
But I’m telling you not to worry
Because even though you spent many nights…
Crying with a blade to your wrist
Those desires you were able to resist
Until you learned, God had always had you in His sight
He saw a purpose for you
And you’ve been able to achieve far more than you ever thought you would do…
Looking back, who am I?
That His grace, He would not deny
That He would send someone like us across the nations
To declare Christs proclamation
To find yourself raising your fists
Praising God, while surrounded by terrorists
But He’s given us far more
As we’ve been able to help those ravaged by war
As from their homes they had to flee
You’d never have been able to do that if you ceased to be
Being there to bring comfort and peace
As you hear the gunfire and bombs…
If only for a moment, allowing others to feel calm
Or how I still find it absurd
How we’d start putting our pain and praises into words
With no clue, other than by Christ, how it occurred
Only to watch how it unfurled
As we’d have a multitude around the world
Inspired by the things that we wrote
He’s blessed us so much, because to Him our life we chose to devote
I remember clearly that night on our bed…
I remember clearly the words that we said…
The moment we decided to put down that knife
And told the Lord we’d give Him one opportunity
To do whatever He wanted to do with our life
And I write this to my younger self, in the hopes he’ll see
There’s no need for you to worry
You’re gonna do just fine
Just keep clinging to Christ divine
Just keep running your race
When you stumble, repent, and trust in His grace
Until the day you can bestow a kiss to His face