Dearest Shelle Belle,
I don’t know why you are so hard on yourself. You’re learning and moving forward making the best of each new day. It’s 1993 and you have entered into the next stages of your life. Your music selection is a wide variety of artists, which speaks volumes of who you are. As you walk down the graffiti tagged streets of Denver you hold your head high even though the environment around you feels unsafe and scary, you keep pushing forward with your dreams. These streets will never break you. You have so much to accomplish. Follow your dreams. Be your own hero. Keep moving forward. They tried to dim your light when they assaulted you, but you pushed through. You never gave in. You never gave up, and for that my friend you grew into the beautiful and amazing you. A young mom at 16, just a baby yourself. You continued to grow. I’m proud of you.
For motherhood is tough enough even when one is ready. You took it on. Life stops for no one. Each day a new adventure. Smile, but also honor the tears that you shed when you feel lost in your head. There is clarity ahead. You just have to believe.

You don’t know me yet but you and I are very close. You think you know it all and that you have life figured out……. And I hate to burst your bubble but you really don’t. Like at all. But You have a good head on your shoulders though. I just need you to trust yourself more. I know you’re probably thinking what the hell do I know about you but truth is: I am You but grown up. There are so many things I wish you knew. But everything still works out. The main thing I want you to know or take away from this letter is to trust your power and stop letting the words and opinions of others (no matter how important they may seem to you) define or change who you are.

You’re a big dreamer with a big heart. You are more than what you think of yourself. You are not an unlovable failure who is an idiot. Please speak better to yourself! Just because no one says it often doesn’t mean you aren’t loved. Be secure in your authentic self. I know the pain you hide behind every smile and the genuine self hate you have with every joke you make
about yourself. Your jokes aren’t even funny they’re actually sad because why would you say those things about yourself?

You call yourself all the wrong names and you answer to all the wrong names. To be honest you don’t even like being called Leah unless you’re blood related to someone when you’re older. You don’t need the approval you keep seeking from people. You are already valid. Yes, I know it would be nice to have someone validate you with kind words and gestures but hey play the cards you are dealt.

Girl , I wish you understood and knew your strength. Like girl you are resilient as fuck.
A true gem. The darkness you hold inside of you now; we learn to control. Even though it pains you don’t regret the heart you have. It comes in handy. Stop hating yourself please. So many blessings are being blocked for me because of the words you’ve sown. Yes we were ignorant but words have a lot of power.

Also, PUT THE KNIFE DOWN! Stop cutting yourself. Depression cannot keep winning. Life is so much more beautiful than you can imagine. You are not worthless and you deserve to live just as much as anyone else. I know you feel numb most days or you have to put on a mask but it’s nothing to kill your self over. You actually survive worse mental places in life. But I get it though. You just trying to feel and because you’re used to emotional pain; you inflicted physical pain.
I know you feel like I’m attacking you but you need to hear this. You’re not the victim you think you are. You are the conqueror. Everything that has ever happened to you is my villain origin story. I mean that in a good way. We learn to set boundaries in our late 20s and become villains to the people who tried to break us.

I just really wish you loved yourself enough as a teenager to see how truly great you are. Like girl you are the bees knees. Not the red thing around the bologna. Love yourself first so the world and people won’t chew you up and spit you out or simply toss you to the side. You are beautiful, intelligent and loved. It’s crazy how you pour love into to everyone else but you.

Seriously you are constantly calling yourself ugly and avoiding the mirror. You hate your body and it’s fine. You’re not the ugly duckling you were just born a swan. Your intelligence and body what makes you. It’s your heart. All the trauma you have suffered so far is not in vain. I just need you to love yourself through that pain. Like we end up becoming a mother. You literally have a daughter who adores you and is twice as stubborn as you are. We have to love ourself because she is a sponge and she soaks up everything we teach her whether it’s intentional or unintentional. I need you to love yourself because we struggle as an adult. And having a kid didn’t make it easier but it’s motivation. She needs to see a confident woman who loves herself and understands her value and you are her first teacher.

So love yourself kid because I love you! I’m proud of you and you actually don’t do to bad in life because you learn the importance of perspective. Plus nobody really warned or prepared us for how expensive being an adult is but we are managing. So if you see our kindergarten self tell her that she should have saved all those dollars we spent when we were her age.

As you can see our humor will always be intact. Lol

I love you Leah or shall I say Dee. That’s who we like to be called and we add pretty in front for a little razzle dazzle.

I LOVE YOU !! And I appreciate all that you are.

Dear younger self,

I wasn’t so fond of you in your teenage years. In fact, I rather not recall the million and one traumas. It was a tough space for a long time. Years of disappointment, loss, and instability. So, if it’s alright with you I rather take a slightly different approach. As I prepared to write this letter to you, I decided I wanted to reintroduce you to some of the people who played a big part of your life. These people were there to watch you fail, achieve, learn, make mistakes, lose, win, transition and evolve. I have learned that seeing ourselves from the perspective of the ones closest to us can be so refreshing. And teenage self, after all you’ve been through, you could surely use some tender love and care.

Your dad was and has always been there for you…even when you were a rebellious child. A child who constantly fought the overprotecting love of a father. He loved you especially in these moments. You made him proud then and you always will. He describes you as intelligent and when he speaks of your many accomplishments and achievements, he does it with an enormous amount of joy in his heart. The oldest and the only daughter, no wonder he held onto you so tight. Especially being a teenage father himself, he only wanted what was best for you even if he didn’t always know how to express it in a way that didn’t require you keeping him “out.’” But no matter how hard you tried to shelter your emotions, he knew the places that cost you the most hurt and disappointment during this crucial time of your upbringing. Again, he wants you to know that he is sorry for never giving you the opportunity to say goodbye to your grandmother when she passed. Dad saw the wall you built around your heart after losing her. Never having your mother, the way you needed her only contributed to the bricks you built so high around your heart. He saw it and so did everyone around you. You struggled to trust, and you were always afraid to lose. I guess that’s where your anxious attachment came in (by the way we still need to work on that.)

Fast forward as you approach your thirties, dad wants you to know that he is still so very proud of you! In his eyes you are an overcomer, strong, and courageous. He admires the mother in you, and the girl that is after the Lord’s heart. Lastly, he wanted me to remind you that no matter where life takes the two of you, you will always be his little girl.

Your aunt, who stepped in to raise you at the most heartbreaking time of your life, wants you to know how much you are loved. Helping put your heart back together after the loss of your grandmother was not easy but she wouldn’t change it for the world. She describes you as ambitious and is proud of the many ways you excelled in school. Growing up she saw every side including the moody, distraught child whose thoughts and trauma consumed her. But she loved you through all of it. Even in your silence, her connection to you interprets the hurt. Remember, she has and will always be there.

Since 12 years old you and her have been inseparable. Regardless of the distance your friendship has never wavered. She has played such an important role in your life. She has seen you at every stage and has truly been your unpaid therapist. I am sure you can’t imagine what life would have been without her love, sisterhood, and support. And to no surprise out of everyone she had the most to say. Even though you always describe yourself as the “needy friend”, she sees you as a constant in her life, one who has never wavered. She understood you then and remains part of the very few who understands you now. From adolescents she saw how much you struggled with the dynamics of your family. In your hurt, she shared your feelings of being overlooked and invalidated. From the attitude to the uncontrollable emotions, she was able to navigate through all of it and she always will. Through her eyes you are a true and loyal friend. You are determined (and persistent). She admires that no matter how broken you have been, you always find the courage to pick yourself back up. And yes, there were times that she wished she could shield you from causing yourself unnecessary hurt by giving you a little bit of her strength. If there is something she wants, you to know and never forget it’s your worth and how amazing you are.

I know the road to get here wasn’t easy. Looking back, I know it was one of the hardest years of your life. One filled with heartache, loss, and trauma. All I ask is that when you look back at your younger self, embrace the good. On the days when you don’t think you were enough, loved, or lost, cling on to these memories. Rest in knowing that in the eyes of the people who mean the most to you, you are nothing short of amazing. You are loved and admired. You are strong, courageous, and an overcomer. You were that then and you are that now.