I think I’m in happy…
Introvert at heart I was exhausted but enjoying myself like a good day at the gym
I had been participating in some verbal jogging when the jargon interrupted the depth of my thoughts
I wanted to go deeper, but the question brought me back to the surface
You know, that over used, over played, over copied, get out of jail free question
So, how did you feel, question mark
A mental sigh fogs my mind, as I wait for the dust to settle, I try to paint what can’t be replicated in any art
My response a cliche of my own just to joust back
In case we’re keeping score
I’m deadly competitive to a fault, laughing to myself touché
Oh, my reply, I almost forgot
The cliche runs from my mouth: the words to describe it are lost but if found it would be something like watching the American Day Dream on the big screen except you’re the main character
When your mood matches the brightness within the sunrise of your eyes and you’re by no means even a little bit of an early bird
You hear the sound of vinyl recorded melodies on repeat as you brush your teeth
The dust slowly undresses as I then get dressed
Looking for the perfect outfit is comparable to searching for these words
And don’t even get me started on shoes
The right pair will have everyone on there heels and can capture the eyes to the soul
That day my soul sang solo after the shower rained down cleansing compliments
Chanting for an encore
The volume of the claps is turned down
The dust has finally kissed the ground
And for the reveal my reflection sees a familiar memory
As my mouth curves like a rose into a shape it hasn’t felt in awhile
I’ve been chasing this flowery feeling like the butterfly tasting the flight of bliss
I grab as fast as I can, gripping the steering wheel headed to the destination
Shouting I’m never letting go
As my opposite palm holds her hand
I want to stop to picture frame this memory
I have to stop and picture frame this memory
We stop at the red light and she asks: can I borrow a forehead kiss
I respond: as long as you come back again
p.s. this is happiness, it was something like that…

There was a war within the conversation
Eight casualties reported that leaves only one left
The gun holder hears a voice cry: what do you want from me?
The gun confidently cocks a whisper: I want everything you didn’t give to me back
You see in my head you were supposed to care
Package your love as the gift I receive every second of the day
But you were so nonchalant like the fashionable fabric that hangs off the shoulder purposely and doesn’t care about any penny pinching opinions
Personality is fashion and doesn’t have to be understood
I didn’t expect you to comprehend the inner workings, I just wanted you to try
But you would rather show more interest in other things… I’m one of the reasons you’re still alive
Funny now I got your life in my hand
And I’m taking it, out like the trash today that has been sitting for too long
Anger starts to cry as the gun holder exclaims say goodbye, say goodbye, say goodbye
Can’t do it can you
Don’t make me pull this trigger
You ain’t never been about no action it’s always talk
Neither have you, you were supposed lead me out of Egypt, but you just had me going in circles of your desert mind
You were supposed to provide, but all you did was cover your tracks with paid excuses
I know I’m not perfect and I promise I did try… I’m just still hurt, and the kaleidoscope pain made me dizzy
It’s hard to move forward when you can’t catch balance as it falls, not to mention verbal bullets trying to permanently end the conversation
What do you want from me?
I want a ring, don’t casually date me be committed
I give you a release, I am your peace, but you only tool this pleasure for your advantage, making copper from gold
I’m a grown woman not one of your little friends
I want you to understand my history and stop browsing
I want you to protect me and walk on the busy side of the street
I want to feel safe in your arms, keep all the danger locked away
I’m a queen and want to be your friend to represent our royalty
I want to be your inhale and you my exhale
I’m jealous so I want to be your heart and rib
I want you to love me the way Christ married the cross, and left little posted notes on the mirror in the form of a book for His children’[
You wanted so much from me but never invested in me, us, our relationship has been life and death, but you keep it in the same breath… As small talk
Then expect me to take our conversations seriously
Well, if that’s what it’s going to be I’ll keep your letters piled up on the corner of the desk like the mail I need to throw away
Cold steel makes me spit sweat and choke on air
Kill shot, the gun is talking, the conversation has a period in the shape of a bullet
The white light gets louder as I grow older
Now what was all that talk you was saying?
Breathing heavy, is this it, is it too late?
Breathing heavy, She has blocked me
She is Poetry and my blood is the ink
I finally understand but is it too late
Breathing heavy
Please poetry take this writers block away from me
p.s. she just wants respect…

She said get dressed we’re going out
Immediately my introverted thoughts tied me down to chair where I was watching a movie
She could see my hesitation breathing hard so she quickly interjected
Before you say no I took care of all the essentials, so you don’t have to worry about anything
It’s all planned out, and I know you don’t like to always get fancy so this is more of a business casual scene
She then casually walks away saying I need to go get ready
We’re leaving in 40
I leave my comfortable chair and make my way to the closet
Trying my best to closet my anxiety
Maybe my off whites will help me walk away from the dark thoughts
Today feels like a bow tie day
I usually put my cologne on last but in the rush of the moment things got mixed up
Tree sprays and she could sense the scent in the atmosphere change
Lust became a dangerous game
She ran my direction and said close your eyes before she entered the room
I don’t want you to see my outfit
She ran up behind me and her lips hugged my cheek
Then she walked in front of me, her hands covered my eyes
She asked what is that you’re wearing
As I started to speak her lips gripped mine before I could get a word out
She said is smells sweet
I replied: like candy
She answered: yes
She then proceeded to steal two more candy coated cologne kisses from me
Now finish getting ready she whispered as she left the room
p.s. I’m so in love…

Roses are blue and violets are red
When I think of you everything is backwards in my head
Like what I usually would never do I’m now thinking about times two
Every reservation turns into an invitation, so I made plans including dinner for two
Her favorite flower is a rose, and what would a rose be by any other name
If I pick a rose does it take my last name
Roses are pink and Lilys are Lilac
Lavender conversations tastes different when you know she has your back
A rose tattooed on my back is dead until your finger tips hug my thorns
A relationship embraces the pain of every fallen petal
A rose is just a star but with you holding it I can see the galaxy
Dreams aren’t that far away with you in the passenger seat
She drives me crazy and I don’t mind
What’s happiness without adversity
Is a rose still as beautiful without the barb wire
Roses are white and sunflowers are teal
In a crowded room, far away, but I can still feel
You
U without the y. o. because something is different
U and I could be different, and the world needs a change
p.s. I just want to buy you flowers…

It’s the breath I need but can’t reach
Arms extended as far as they can reach
But the superhero is late this time and can’t save me
Plan ahead they say so you can make time to smell the flower things
I’ve never been much of a gardener
However, today I’m planting mustard seeds
So, my confidence can age as grand as the canyon
I can finally picture heaven in the palm of my hands with this Canon
Camera, bombing any part of hell left in my yesterday that tries to burn my film
Hope used to be a dream then I made my dreams come true
Hope used to slip through my fingers but now I wear it as a cape
Flying over depression, fear, and regret
Debts I no longer wish to add to
Stop subtracting from you, thinking to myself
Hope is priceless, you don’t have to play tag with money
That’s why the tag looks out of place in a garden
The highest value holders are free
Plant faith and wake up in a field of dreams
Plant a rose and fall in love
Plant patience and endurance will run past any future
Harmony outlasts pains earthquake
Honor overcomes poisoned endings
And it gives me hope that tomorrow isn’t so bad after all
I don’t always feel super, but I will be my own hero
p.s. don’t forget your cape…

I told my brother once — who I was dating — & He replied to me

“I thought you had more self-respect than that”

Later on in life — I realized — he was right

(But it was not my intention)

For the last 10 yrs — those words have been
engraved in my mind — like a tombstone

I had a lot of deja-vu signs —

That led me to believe — him & I were meant to be — but we weren’t tho

Im sorry — but I mean — come on now 

He read me — Bible stories & Scriptures 🙏🏽

I thought — I had self respect — thru a period of time — in the past

But somewhere — down the line — I lost it

I like to think — I’m doing better now a days — 
& I can finally say — once again — I have it

I was just an old soul — in a superficial world

withought a strong voice — of her own — to put her foot down

I was searching for something — in someone else — that was meant to be found — within myself

But truly — I think— what he said to me — then —
really did help

I think back on — the first time — I moved out — on my own

About a year or so — out of an abusive —relationship — with a child of my own

Things became different — then the life — I envisioned — & it really took a toll

Lord knows — all I wanted — was a God filled family

Definitely not — another broken home

I was readjusting my lenses — to try to understand — & accept my new life — and what happened

I questioned so much — about myself — & all I believed in

Every-time I tried to do right — It backfired on me

& the emotions became — overpowering & depleting

My first love — was facing a long time — on the other side — & the news of that — was heartbreaking

We weren’t together at the time — but that’s something — you never wanna hear about —
 your middle school love — from 8th grade

My second one — was church bound — for a while — long enough to make me smile — & put a ring on it

We got engaged after 3 months —
 but shortly after that — things changed

We went from Bible stories to —

“I hope you die bitch”

But Ik that — he’s only human — so I try to my best — to forgive him

He tried to walk down — a Righteous path —
& a part of me — wants to believe — the intention was pure — and authentic

But how could he not — go back to the hood
 — when what he thought to be true

became faker then the streets — he once knew — & tried to get away from

The pastor — along with his crew — were all
“wolfs in sheeps clothing”

Sneaky, deceiving & misguiding —

Misleading everyone they knew — including you — & I’m sorry

I had dedicated — several years of my life to God — & he told me — to trust him

But can you imagine?

How painful & confusing it was — to have lost — not only my first love — but my second ?

All while trying — to make the right choices —
but instead gaining — religious PTSD — in the process ?

Who was I suppose to turn to — & believe in

While battling — all these inner demons — & traumas — I was dealing with

I went thru many — up-down phases — of believing — while simultaneously — grieving

So I ran away — from my feelings — into the arms of people — I can no longer — even remember

I gave access to my home — & my temple — & said yes at times — I should have definitely — had said no

I had a voice of my own — but didn’t know how to use it

That shits triggering — to remember

Cause little me — just wanted someone to love — & protect her

Not realizing then — I was all I ever needed 
— & was looking for

So I’m thankful — I now — better respect — myself & my temple

Thankful — I respect my brother — as a father figure — more then I do — a brother

His opinion — really matters to me — 
So I truly strive — to make him proud

I’m sorry bro, that back then —

Your little sister — didn’t know how 🥺

You’re Confident
You’re Beautiful
You’re Loving
You’re Kind
This beautiful heart that has developed
To care about individuals as much as you do
The confidence you truly found in you
I’m proud and love the woman I’ve become
It took me a long time to get here
You’re a queen
You’re a goddess
You are it
No one can take this away from you
You made it Vision
You love you
You don’t doubt yourself anymore
You believe in you
I love who you have grown into
A true Vision of Love

If i say what is on my mind
Will i be heard
Will it show on my face before my mouth says anything
If i express it
Should i
Will i regret it if i come out with it
The flashbacks are coming out
I can’t hide it anymore
It will release me
Get the burden off my shoulders
I see it still hurts me to think about
A moment where i truly felt weak and helpless
No means no right
Why did he do that
I trusted him
He was supposed to be my best friend
Stop please i said
I don’t want to do this i said
My words meant nothing
I tried to fight him
I wasn’t strong enough
He’s hurting me
As i am crying saying please stop stop
No
No
When he finished i was bleeding
He took it from me without my consent
I balled up in a ball told him to get out
Fucking Leave
The audacity to ask me if i am okay
No i am not okay
You Took advantage of me
You took something i can’t get back
I’ve never been the one to cry for help
I held it in
My emotions
My feelings
Everything
Feeling of embarrassment
How could i let it happen
I had no control
I need to scream it out
I have to Let it not anger me anymore
I have to tell my mom
So i can feel free &
Live in peace

Will it hurt as much
As it does now
Am i overreacting
Am i being dramatic
Or am i just expressing how i feel inside
Should i be penalized for feeling this way