When I think of 2024, I think: “best year of my life,”
Because this is the year that I became your wife.
The year we said “I do” standing before our loved ones,
With our toes in the sand, in front of the setting sun.

This is the day I had been dreaming of,
For thirteen years we have been sharing our love.
We started dating when we were only sixteen,
Simultaneously knowing, and not knowing, we’d be living this dream.

Building this foundation with you over the years
Has only strengthen my love and lessened my fears.
You know me better than anyone; you love every part of me
And I do the same for you- it all comes naturally.

We came together effortlessly, as if we were meant to
Whether you believe so or not, I believe that to be true.
From the beginning, I knew our connection was divine
Even if I didn’t have those exact spiritual beliefs at the time

It was a feeling deep within me, one that got loud when you walked in
It was strong yet calming… a sort of intuition from within.
I knew you were going to be someone special in my life,
And I somehow knew that one day I would be your wife.

We both knew it then, which is why we didn’t care about the timeline.
People would ask questions and judge, but we knew that everything would align.
Thirteen years later, we got married on our dating anniversary,
Uniting us forever and sealing our love for eternity.

As we continue to grow old, I will always remember our special day
Deep in my heart and soul, the fond memories will stay.
They warm me from the inside out, bringing up happy tears.
I know our love will only continue to grow stronger over the years.

Hey little girl
How are you doing today?
Did you have a good day at school?
Did you go outside and play?

I hope you had your time to escape
From the anger and chaos within the walls
Of the apartment on that second floor
Where dingy carpet lines the eerily long halls

You often weren’t aware of how bad it was
Not in the younger years that is
Because you watched all your friends in their own struggles
You were more worried about her pain and his

You were good at removing yourself from the suffering
You were always able to see the good and humor in things
Sometimes that humor could be looked at as dark
But it helped get through the bitter words and stings

You were so observant and smart
Too grown up for your young age
You could sense when things were off
Even when they tried to keep you in your cage

You knew that life wasn’t normal
Even if it seemed better than others you saw
You started your plans on how you would free yourself
And looking back at your diligence, I admire in awe

You got to work as soon as you could
Working multiple jobs and saving away
You knew the environment you grew up in
Was not where you were destined to stay

You planned and you prayed
Staying both focused and hopeful
You trusted your gut when others had doubt
And along the way, you found someone very special

A partner, a lover; someone who loved you for you
You both fell so hard and so fast
You knew deep in your heart, that he was the one
And even at such a young age, you knew it would last

You have always followed your intuition
You listened to the knowing within your soul
I am so proud and happy for you, sweet child
For you both took on and released control

You knew what was within your power
You are the reason I am here today, happy and healing
You did everything you could to build your ideal life
One full of peaceful, lovely feelings

You are so strong and resilient
Even today, you reside within my heart and bones
Together, we get to live our favorite lives
And we get to create a happy, healthy home

Thank you for your empathetic nature
Thank you for your strength and determination
Thank you for your playfulness and sensitivities
Thank you for your love and admiration

Thank you for your open mind
Thank you for your appreciation of the little things
Thank you for showing me the beautiful parts of life
Thank you for showing me what trusting myself brings

This is the chapter where she sheds the guilt and shame.
Giving unconditional love to the dark, wounded parts, as that is what they craved all along.
Releasing any feelings of unworthiness or self-loathing that reside in the shadows,
Removing what was never hers to hold, and making room for the blessings that await.

This is the chapter where she loves herself deeply and unapologetically.
Embracing the flaws and recognizing the true beauty of the human body.
Sitting in the imperfections and releasing all negative thoughts and beliefs,
Refreshing her view of the miracle she is- a living vessel of life and love.

This is the chapter where she steps into her power.
Letting go of the perfectionism and fawning tendencies that once kept her imprisoned.
Instead, she steps into authenticity and embraces every inch of her mind,
Allowing herself to lean into the childlike joy that arises when she sees signs from her angels.

This is her chapter.
She writes the story and creates the reality she desires.
She prioritizes joy and rest, as she knows she is deserving of happiness.
She counts her blessings, soaks in the love around her, and expels light wherever she goes.

Wishes of world peace and overwhelming compassion
Get drowned out by social media trends and fashion
Big dreams of empathy and understanding
Destroyed by attitudes that are entitled and demanding
Thoughts of self-love and confidence rising from within
Then the judgments and rude comments start coming in

When you’re satisfied with yourself and your mind
You recognize what matters is being warm-hearted and kind
When you do what brings you that childlike happiness
The negativity around you begins to digress
Your mindset and actions make up your universe
When you focus on yourself, you break the curse

Filling your own cup first may sound selfish
But the energy you give to yourself allows you to be selfless
As you acknowledge and release your internal judgements
It is easier to make connections and commitments
When we can all connect and open our hearts to one another
This is when we can heal and learn to self-discover

Human beings are meant to change and evolve
There will always be obstacles and problems to solve
The more you take care of your mind and soul
The resilience will build, and you’ll enter a state of flow
In this beautiful world, the only constant is change
As you step into the magic of love, what happens next is strange

You start to see others with love and empathy
You understand why someone sees things differently
Although you may have different opinions and lives
Similarities and experiences allow the connection to thrive
When we all connect with a common goal for good
The universe will make sure it all happens as it should

This world desires to be full of love and connection
The world does not want us to strive for perfection
The world needs people who are vulnerable and open
The world needs less of resentment and hearts that are broken
One of the greatest things we can do is spread our light
So, to be the change I wish to see, I am committed to spreading mine

There is a grieving process that comes with healing that isn’t often talked about, but I think it should be. Coming to a place where you can see yourself without judgement, even if it is for a fleeting moment, is something magical; but stepping into that space when you never thought you’d get there is an entirely different experience. Although I am happy to be at a place where I feel present and grateful in my life, when I look back on that young girl whose nervous system was in such a hyperactive state that she was never present to create many memories, my heart aches for her. I can’t help but grieve the loss of that time and those memories.

I lost years of my life to anxiety, to a constant state of trying to protect myself from everything in the world, while trying to appear as perfect as possible to avoid any conflict or hate, as I already had enough of that going on internally. I lived my life for other people, whether it was me constantly saying “yes” when I truly meant “no,” or over-extending myself to make sure I was liked by everyone. I always thought that I was too annoying or too anxious and crazy for anyone to want to deal with. I also felt like my anger was uncontrollable sometimes and I had no idea how to deal with it, and since I had zero understanding about my brain or mental health, I just internalized all of my problems and my self-esteem continued to diminish.

I’d have constant breakdowns and my boyfriend would be there to pick me up off the floor…I felt so helpless. I remembered looking at up at him with tears streaming down my cheeks and blurting out: “I just don’t know why I’m not happy! I have you, I have my cats, our apartment, my job… why don’t I feel happy?” I even tear up now as I write this, because I can almost feel that same emptiness in my chest in this moment of remembering it. I didn’t understand why I felt this way, and why I was treating the person I loved the most in unloving ways. After years of being completely against anti-depressants, I started my google search for psychiatrists who were in-network with my insurance and proceeded made my appointment. I honestly was under the impression that they were like psychologists who could prescribe medication if they felt it was necessary, but this one talked to me for about fifteen minutes and prescribed me Zoloft.

I want to say that I truly believe medication saved my life, and I don’t think I could have done the healing I did without it, but Zoloft was not the one for me. To be fair, I did say I wanted to turn off the overwhelming flares of emotion that took me over so often, but once I actually felt like I had no emotions, I quickly changed my mind about that. This was only the start of a long journey of being on and off medications until I finally decided to get back on a new medication and truly dedicated time to working on my mental health. I knew the medications were just a “Band-Aid”, and if I ever wanted to be able to feel regulated without them, I would need to get to the root cause of the issue.

That dedication took a lot of courage, and I can truly say that I my strength today comes from the fact that in my absolute lowest time in life, I was able to see a hopeful future where I could live with my anxiety, and I decided to take steps to work towards it. Not only that, but as I continue to progress through life, I am actively working on practicing “non-judgement” with myself and learning to love all of me as I continue to grow and evolve. I also find strength in my openness about my mental health, as I know how horrible it felt to be alone in my chaotic mind. Being open and vulnerable with the world is to show everyone that it is nothing to be ashamed of. I know that everyone goes through their own traumas and has their own healing to do, and I feel that we all need to give ourselves a little more grace as we navigate through this unpredictable life.

Today I feel strong as I am able to share my story publicly, and I am a lot more confident as I work towards being my best self. I feel strong that I have learned how to take criticism and understand not to take things personally. I feel strong in the fact that I am aware that I do not have all the answers and that I only know what is best for me and my life. I feel strong knowing that I will forever be growing and evolving and it is okay to change my mind and/or perspective. Overall, I feel strong knowing that I can truly do anything that I put my effort into, and I believe that is true for all of us.

I am so happy to be here writing this to you today, as I know you need to hear this. I can see you struggling as you slowly shed your past self away. I know how painful it can be when you realize all of the time you spent worrying about everything beyond your control, and sometimes it even feels like you’re grieving the loss of your own life. I just want to tell you that all of the work you’re doing is exactly what you need to be doing. I know it is difficult to face old traumas and at times you may feel like giving up, but I promise that you are strong enough to handle all of it.

You have always known what is best for you; even when you lost that trust in yourself for a while, you still had it deep within you and you always end up back on your path. When you find yourself falling back into spirituality and trusting the divine timing, trust it. The reason you are so drawn to that is because the overall message is true: you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Digging deep into your shadow, seeing your most toxic, dark parts coming out into the light, while learning to see them with non-judgment and compassion is helping you to get closer to your dreams.

You may find it hard to get into healthy habits and routines, but as you continue on your healing journey, you will discover the exact tools you need to achieve your goals. I know at times it can feel easy to get down on yourself, and it can feel like this is going to be an endless cycle of self-doubt and failure…but just know that you get through everything, and you are thriving. There are times in your life where you may feel like you’re broken, or there is no way you would ever get back to being happy or feeling healed, but please just remember that you are stronger than you think.

You are the girl who survived living in a home where both of your parents found themselves struggling with alcohol, and you made sure that you got out as soon as you could. You are the girl who knew she had to talk that cute guy in her class junior year, and now you have spent over a decade together happily in love. You are the woman who was able to take her life into her own hands and escape a toxic work environment, even with the fears of taking a pay-cut during a pandemic. You are the woman who signed up to go to therapy and became open-minded to medications in order to help yourself when you needed it. You are the woman who is continuously working through hard truths, healing old wounds, and still showing up every day for me: your future self.

Your dreams are a result of your hard work and dedication, and you already know the direction you want to go. Keep working towards your current goals and when your intuition keeps bringing you back to something, trust it. Ideas will come and go, and in times where it feels overwhelming, just remember that what is meant to be will be. Just promise me that during hard times, you will always come back to self-love, and that you will continue to give yourself grace. You deserve the happiness that you are striving for, and even during the hardest times, you hold that feeling deep within you. Thank you for all of the work you’re doing to heal, and just know that you will be a stronger, happier person because of it.

As I stroll into 2023
I have high hopes and a positive view
I think of that phrase: “New year, new me”
And if I stay focused, that can be true

It’s not that I want to change who I am
I am actually starting to love myself
It’s that I finally see my potential, and damn…
I deserve a life full of good health and wealth

I get to decide what I consume
Both physically and mentally
And if I eliminate the doom and gloom
The love and light are what I’ll see

This year I will put effort into being present
I will practice the art of letting go
This year, there is no room for resentment
I do what pleases me, and I don’t feel guilty saying “no”

As the years go on, I always remain grateful
The hard times and life lessons help me grow
As I get older, I become more graceful
I stand in my confidence as I go with the flow

I am happily floating into 2023
I have faith that all is unfolding as it should
This year I deserve to focus on me
And do everything that happy, healthy me would.