Deep sorrow and emptiness inside
When the voices judge and criticize
Not the ones outside, the ones in my mind
Those ones are the worst kind
They know all of my flaws
They remember every single fault
They’re the reason I stay in bed
And ignore everyone’s calls
I started talking back to them
Told them to shut up and go away
That […] View
I was always that kid that stood out, the one that was just different from the other kids. I was either too energetic or too down. My hair was usually not brushed or taken care of, and my clothes were usually too small. Watching as all my classmates would get good grades and understand the lessons being taught, it began to affect me emotionally. I sat there feeling defeated every test, every report card, every honor roll ceremony. I gave my all to my work and just could not get it. I felt dumb and hopeless, and I gave up by about 7th grade.
As I walked through adulthood, I realized I was good at working. I have great leadership skills, and I can pick up pretty much anything that I learn quickly. A completely different me, I thrived (survived one might say) in adulthood. For about 10 years, I was a single parent to children who began to walk through the same educational difficulties as me.
I was sitting in a room with my oldest daughter, 7 at the time, doing homework when she screamed, “I’m so stupid!” her face resembled a tomato on a rainy day. This was just the beginning of my journey to advocating for my kids. Shortly there after, my daughter received an IEP, Independent Educational Plan. Within one quarter, she did a 360 with her grades. She was comprehending everything!
My oldest daughter is now in 9th grade, an honor roll student since 3rd grade, in an engineering program that will allow her to get an Associates in Engineering and her high school diploma simultaneously. She is projected to be the first college graduate on both my side and her dad’s side.
Along this journey of advocacy and educational equality, I’ve had to be my own teacher. I had to learn to be the student in order to understand the journey my children were on. My family and I faced so many barriers on this journey, each one becoming a necessary lesson to learn with very valuable knowledge. Today, I am on my 2nd IEP journey with my youngest daughter, and it is extremely empowering.
I’m able to offer so much to my children that I didn’t have access to. I’m grateful I get to show them my successes while watching them grow into these beautiful and brave human beings. Have faith and give yourself grace, but most of all, don’t give up! You can change where you’re at as long as you believe in you!
Give up, never!
The challenges of life give greater
Satisfaction when struggling to overcome them.
Give up, never!
Through war planes, attacker
On our land, as my partner is an army officer.
Give up, never!
Through financial strains, being a mother,
Teacher, student, niece, aunt, cousin, daughter…
With duties and love to give as worries grow stronger.
Give up, never!
Going through bowl obstruction surgeries, recover
From that alone is like moving through quick sand, a surfer
Of intense pain, stilted, limited movements that border
On the robotic before getting better.
Give up, never!
Immigrating at fourty plus is no simple matter,
With two teens and two adults to give succor
As the cultural, geographical, and familial reservoir
Dwindles and altered to an extreme purveyor
Of loss as we embrace newer circumstances in horror.
Give up, never!
Through each trial, the sun does shine brighter
And belief that you’re being tested makes me stronger.
Growing up on Sailor Moon
And looney toons
Slip and slides
Always with soapy eyes.
Carefree summers
We were Beach bummers
Adulthood far from our minds
Ice cream of many kinds
Man hunt and freeze tag
Always up for a good fart bomb gag.
Childhood was a bliss
Something you’ll always miss.
Hey Al, your poem perfectly captures the carefree joy of childhood. It brought back memories of summers filled with fun and laughter. Amazing poem, very light hearted and playful use of language. I love it!!!
It’s a perfect day, let’s go slay.
Waking up feels great, my body’s not in pain. My brain no longer insane, I’m tame.
I put my doc’s on and stroll out the door on this beautiful 80 degree day.
My gosh the beauty I see before me,
neighbors smiling and I am stylin’
Jeeps workin’ just fine wow that just blew my mind
I feel like I’m in a Muppet movie surrounded by singing
And dancing I feel fantastic not a bit sarcastic
nope…. no work today! Just me, myself, and I
Danielle, It sounds like you’re perfect day is an amazing day filled with joy and positivity! I’m glad that you embrace the beauty around you and enjoy your time off. It’s great to cherish the moments of relaxation and self-care. Keep that upbeat spirit going!
Self-love has been a journey of a million miles after being torn down time and time again, insulted, hurt emotionally and physically. Self-love is difficult when you’re used to being lied to so much that your mind suddenly becomes your biggest bully. As I wrote in my poem about bullying that’s entitled Target “[when] the weight of the impact hits you repeatedly you learn how to fall apart without learning how to put yourself back together.” Self-love, that’s the chapter I’m on right now. I’ve read the words of Scripture that say “love your neighbor as yourself (Mk. 12:31)” and prayed for the courage to love myself as deeply as I love others. I’ve sat in the Confessional where a priest in persona Christi (in the person of Christ) pinpointed that I don’t love myself well. I’ve made many a visit to my therapists office with a self-love workbook in tow hoping that learning about it will help me to live it. It’s not perfect but I am learning.
I love how I’ve been unlearning the things I’ve learned from those who were trying to steal my light.
I love how despite the setbacks and difficulties you keep trying to put yourself together after you fall apart.
I love how you will say yes to anyone who asks you to dance because you want everyone to feel what it’s like to be accepted.
I love how you are everyone’s cheerleader. You believe so ardently in the beauty of other people’s dreams.
I love how excited you get when you get good news—you can hardly contain it and you just have to share with someone.
I love how you refuse to let apathy consume you but how you feel deeply and unapologetically.
I love how you speak from the heart.
I love how you valiantly stand up for the things you believe in even if no one is following you.
I love your tenacious spirit, your determination, and grit.
I love your ambition and drive to accomplish wonderful and beautiful things.
I love how you have a mother’s heart even though you have no children of your own.
I love that you want to heal the whole world with love.
But most of all if there is anything I love about you it’s this.
That even though the world has been so unkind to you, you choose to keep your heart soft and to be so kind to everyone you encounter.
Darling there is so much to love about you.
And I know that sometimes you forget that sometimes so I wrote this letter to you so when you’re down or discouraged and can’t remember any reason to love yourself you’ll have these 13 reasons to choose self-love.
Aww Hannah, you are right. There is SOOOOO much to love about you. This piece is so vulnerable and powerful. I love this line “That even though the world has been so unkind to you, you choose to keep your heart soft and to be so kind to everyone you encounter.”
It’s not easy to stay soft when the world has been hard on you, but that’s a testament…read more
My love;
I’m sorry for never seeing you
For constantly gas lighting.
Every time you tried to speak;
I silenced you like suppression.
You cried while I turned my back
I couldn’t even stand to see your reflection.
“LOOK AT ME!”
With salt stained cheeks and blood shot eyes
I finally see that its been you,
Staring back at me.
This beautiful, kind hearted piece of art;
Your strip wrapped breast & thighs, your tattoos
Tell me stories of your journey thus far.
Your mind is magnificently filled with knowledge; to mend the wounded.
I’m excited to finally fall completely in love with you
After all these foolish, wasteful, distasteful years.
Always yours; Forever mine
-Me
Being excited to fall in love with yourself is such a warm feeling! I really relate to this story and loved the words you used to describe the scene. I love the way you moved from apologizing/ feeling sorry to feeling excited about the beauty within it 🙂
Have you ever had the pleasure of falling in love with someone you’ve never met?
It’s almost as if you have an immediate connection,
Your souls are fused together.
The pull of uncertain, certainty.
You feel everything all at once.
Your soul is content and full.
You’ve become a glutton for the love
It feels so good!
Theres butterflies signifying this spectacular moment in the timeline.
Have you ever had the pleasure of a heartbreak over someone you’ve never met?
They say the worst withdrawal is of a person.
I must say, “I agree.”
It’s almost as if you have lost a real piece of your soul
You have no autonomy over your
heart.
You crave, cry, and hate all within a
minute.
You mourn someone you’ve never even
met.
Have you ever had the pleasure of healing after a heartbreak over someone you’ve you’ve never met?
It’s almost as if you are whole again.
You carefully put each piece of your
shattered heart together
Hand gluing, welding, stitching,
and crafting it into your newest
artistry.
Looking at your newest master piece
You’re feel of all of the happy, joyful
memories you chose to keep
You’re reminded of the pain and
mourning that led to
You, whole,new & ready to love.
AL, your words beautifully capture the complexities of love, heartbreak, and healing, even with someone you’ve never met. It’s a testament to the power of human connection and strength. May your heart continue to mend and find love in unexpected places.
Antoinette, You are amazing! I love this line: “Look, it’s a bird, it’s a plane,
Nah – its Antoinette taking her power back.”
I totally smiled when I read that. You are changing your family’s story for sure! Thank you for sharing and thank you for being part of our little unsealed family. <3 Lauren
There is this liquid that many consider magic.
Society says it’s a great social catalyst.
Drink some of it and you may become a whole different person.
Be careful – too much may leave you with only a headache and nausea to remember your night.
Growing up this liquid was the answer to all of my mothers worries.
Its an antidepressant, if you will.
As I entered my teens ,
It became the medicine, taking away all my pain.
I even learned the secret formula,
Making it through the night with minimal side effects.
As I grew older this liquid became my BEST friend!
There for me when I was lonely
Giving me courage by masking my socially awkwardness.
The gifts of blackouts and uncertain regrets.
Eventually, my best friend grew to become my enemy.
Courage became sadness
Blackouts became spotty nights of horror.
It allowed strangers to carry me to their cars
Driving me to their homes.
Eyes flooded my face with painful tears.
My brain and heart screaming for love and healing!
This liquid was no longer magic,
My kryptonite love affair!
There is no real secret formula to avoiding the side effects.
It is my depressant.
I destroys me from the inside!
This liquid is not special,
It is not a cure to your pains.
It will tear you apart,
Taking you family as collateral damage.
This liquid is a poison,
-It is Alcohol!
Al, your words are powerful and raw. It’s brave of you to share your experience and warn others of its harmful effects. You’ve come to understand that alcohol is not a solution but a poison. May your story inspire others to seek healing and find healthier ways to cope.
The world runs around and bucks you
Of your trajectory with minutiea that drive you
Up a wall, and down into darkness which blinds
Your senses that either gives adrenaline or freezes
You into a statue that’s blind, deaf, and dumb.
Your vision turns into bright starts that short-
Circuit your mind with blinding light whose sport
Is to suppress your logic, embracing emotions
That turn you deaf to all evidence against your passions.
Those then steal your ability to speak your mind.
As the world moves round and round, like a merry
Go round, so do you try to stave off the shocks that ferry
You into dismay as experiences are disillusioningly
Petrifying, with their obstacles and demands
On your taking a stand outside your comfort zones.
Stay the course.
Stand tall.
Savor each experience.
Strengthen your faith with failure or success.
Sever negative relationships,
And let your self-confidence emerge
A snow white pigeon of peace and verve of life.
Note: I wrote this last New Years day. I found and re-read it yesterday and realized that in part that my prayer was answered. Some of it is still in the process of being answered.
As we close the curtain on 2022 and pull back the curtains to a bright, new you I don’t know what to expect. I couldn’t have imagined 2022 going the way it did, so please forgive my anxious anticipation, and please know that it is also mixed with an excitement and enthusiasm to reset and begin again.
I pray that I change, heal, and progress throughout the year. I pray that you teach me the lessons God knows I need to learn to be who He has created me to be. I pray that you are a gentle teacher full of compassion, kindness, “I love yous” and and “I’m sorrys.” I hope this year is full of adventures, full of laughter and love, and that it is surrounded with healthy friendships that continually call us both to excellence and holiness.
Most importantly I want to strengthen my relationship with God, to listen to his voice, to trust and rely on Him fully in every moment and to give Him everything.
I ask for protection for my………
Mind
Heart
Soul
Body
Friends
Family
Home
in the upcoming year. Deliver us Lord from every temptation, evil, danger and/or harm that the enemy could imagine. Make us holy.
2023 you have large shoes to fill. I know the Lord has given you a big purpose to fulfill. I know that the Lord is just a step ahead of me–He’s already in 2023 dealing with each trial, making a message out of a mess and guiding my footsteps. And so I dare to follow Him wholeheartedly into the unknown, into the heart of you–2023. Welcome 2023! I can’t wait to see what you have in store.
My heart is broke I’m begining to sulk
My tears are for fears that you might not be back do you have to go away for this long? I don’t think Im strong for lack of a better word, maybe I’m being absurd
First time I saw you I knew you were the one.
Starring in to each others eyes our lips touched and that was it, I was hit with cupid’s arrow.
Now years later a lie was created
doubted thoughts loom and you assume.
My heart drops what did I do I never knew you felt like this I must’ve missed.
I want to give you a kiss and be in bliss again with you, this what I really want to do
I miss you
Danielle I can feel the raw emotions in your letter, and I’m here to offer support and understanding during this difficult time. Heartbreak is never easy, and it’s natural to feel a sense of sadness and longing when someone you love is away for an extended period. Sending you strength and support during this challenging time.
I have to say that 2023 has been pretty kind to me. It’s been a good year and I’ve embarked on adventures that I never would’ve imagined in my wildest dreams. That being said it was difficult to choose my favorite moment of the year, however one rises above all the others.
Picture this….
It was my birthday. The July heat warmed my face as I woke to the sound of kids playing at a nearby park in the suburbs of Chicago. I was a long way from my home in Maine but it didn’t feel that way because my other half—my better half—my twin sister was sleeping in the room next door. I woke with gratitude for another day, for a new year of life beginning, for the life of my sister (who is my best friend), for the chance to do life together and much more. I say a quick prayer thanking God for these blessings as I soak up the rays of sun shining through the window and wait for my sleepy sister to wake up.
Our first adventure of the day was to get to Starbucks to get our free birthday beverage. As she sipped on her iced caramel macchiato and I sipped on my honey flat white we walked to a nearby nail salon to get pedicures all the while chatting about our hopes, dreams and goals for the next year.
When we reach the nail salon we settle in for some rest and relaxation. I choose a lighter purple color and my sister chose a pale blue color. The shades of nail polish we chose are total opposites, yet complement each other quite well just like my sister and I do. I look over to her as she’s getting her nails done and see her smiling and I smile too knowing that she is happy.
With our tummies rumbling we head over to P-Quads, a deep dish pizza restaurant that both my sister and my dad raved about. As we walked in the heavenly smell of pizza cooking wafted its way to my nose. We ordered a pepperoni deep dish pizza and devoured several slices of pizza before tapping out.
We headed back to my sister’s apartment and got ready for the main reason I was in Chicago (besides seeing my sister) to see Ed Sheeran perform in Solider Field. The previous Christmas my sister had gotten me tickets to the concert. I had waited for this for half a year and now it was here. The anticipation and excitement grew as I got ready.
Before leaving for the concert my sister and I blew out our candles had a few bites of our cheesecakes that we had ordered from the Cheesecake Factory a few days before. Each bite was creamy, delicious and super rich.
Finally we left for the concert. We arrived at Soldier Field and walked up to the humungous stadium. Khalid came out and the excitement was palpable. With enthusiasm and energy he worked the whole crowd. With the excitement at its peak Ed Sheeran came bounding onstage. I could not believe I was actually there, I have been a fan of his for a long time and here he was in the same vicinity as me. You could say I was a little star struck, even though Ed is such a humble guy. More than that a feeling of deep wonder and gratitude filled my being. How this birthday was so different than the last birthday I’d had where I’d spent the day alone, grieving the loss of my grandparents, wondering if I was seen or known. Ed sang his little heart out and the crowd shared moments of joy, laughter, tears as we sang along to his songs. As the concert was about to end Ed instructed us to take out our phone and use our flashlight on our phone and as he sang we waved our phones in the air as we took in the lyrics, the melody, the moment.
I have to admit that 2023 has been kind to me and that there have been many good moments this year, but this one tops them all. It was a perfect day spent with one of my favorite people, treating ourselves, eating good food, and watching one of my favorite pop artists sending lyrics which encapsulate both the beauty and messiness of life into the humid night air. I felt at peace. I felt seen and known in the moment. I could not help but smile from ear to ear and soak in each moment. And even now the memory washes over me and fills me with a wonder and gratitude that I know I will remember for the rest of my life.
Wow! Hannah! This is a beautiful piece. I love Ed Sheeran as well! And you are so lucky to have a twin sister who doubles as your best friend. I love everything about your piece – good family, good food, and good music sounds like a great day to me. Thank you for sharing. <3 Lauren
This is but a thought the truth of what our nation is coming to
Fiddle De De fiddle de dumb biden’s got his thumb up his bum, he gave Ukraine another lump sum.
Migrants galore, Chicago ignore. They say the American dream is a lore. It rocks me to my bitter core.
The opponent stays quiet, so there won’t be a riot.
My words are honest, but I can’t promise they won’t cause strife. Think of your life.
I’m not political, I’m not semitic
but I said it…
Eat the rich, but not the poor
too many citizens lying on the floor
My lord…
They say COVID is coming back and it’s going to attack. Relax it’s just tact
The election is coming The press is running and they are cunning.
My thoughts are clear a mere sense of clarity
A rarity indeed I’m not trying to mislead It’s just a seed.
This is a very clever piece and really captures the rollercoaster ride that the media and politics put us all on — especially these last few years. Thank you for sharing. <3 Lauren
CONTEST SUBMISSION: FAVORITE DAYS 2023: POEM: BLACK MOOSE
The following poem is my entry to the contest… as well as being a poem about an experience with a moos in the wilds of Colorado. Being camped near Monarch Pass [elevation 11.350 ft), maybe a couple thousand feet lower on the banks of the North fork of the Arkansas River in June of 2023. I trust that you’ll enjoy the piece, and leave me a comment or two! Respectfully submitted, Ray Whitaker
BLACK MOOSE
It resonates with me
my encounter with another mysticism of nature
at the edge of the mountain glen.
While chancing to be near it
the large, black mass standing stationary in the aspens
as if to be unnoticed by being still
a bull moose eating leaves from above it’s head
a thin line of silver fur
going from mighty shoulder to mid back
young antlers soon to be a fierce armament
now in velvet, growing
as if to scoop up the world.
Moving closer
keeping a mature pine betwixt
the likely over a thousand pounds of magnificence
and my wonder
thus occupied I did not worry
when he stopped eating
looking in my direction
standing there wondering about me perhaps
as he stood in the dappled sunlight.
Astonished at the proximity
noticing the depth of these brown eyes
pushing souls together, mine to his
brown, mine, to brown, his
iris’ different, mine round, his oval
being in the moment of no thought
now wondering if he had a name
no feeling of fear in that closeness
only around twenty paces separating us
the sun shone on me as I looked
and as if I felt that regal power-black fur
a strength, assurance, commanding the ground
he stood on, like owning the very earth.
He is next to my tree now
having moved so silently
and keeping the thick pine between us,
our eyes locked still
getting what each other had to give
my consciousness mingling
with the being of this immense creature
his long neck craning around, reaching nearly in my space.
I moved away, breaking the mesh
keeping the pine tree between we two
having realized this tree
was woefully small
having become a wood beetle now uncovered under the bark
I retreated to the next few tall pines nearby.
I am the Rhinoceros Beetle now.
Our conversation had not ended
tho no words had been spoken out loud
no malice felt, only a near wistfulness
from the moose and I.
Like a translator would be appreciated
to move the instances together somehow
staring into each other’s eyes
for longer still
feeling the thoughts
each having our own insights
of consciousness
and intuitiveness
that powerful rippling muscled black now moving away
my humanness moved in this moment.
Even wanting to know where all this would go
I did not follow deeper into this thicket, his woods.
Hello in there, is your head working yet? Here just take another pill.
For breakfast every morning I have a colorful array of meds.
Just so I can fit in, I hate it I really do. don’t worry here’s another pill to cheer you up, one to keep u from your nightmarish dreams. One to stay awake, one for pain, another to be in a. Good mood, one to make you stay in a good mood. but it might take a few meds to find the right one
My mind feels perfectly fine.
Another appointment? Let’s change it up. A few MG’s up a few down.
Are you ready for another round
Ya, I’m down.
I hear a sound. Let’s wing it this timeIt’ll be fine, You’ll feel so much better. You might even get a little thinner.
Who knows, the sky’s the limit! That’s the ticket, keep on taking them they’ll keep on making em.
Addicting those that are weak, and seem to only seek The ones they can critique….
Danielle this is really powerful. I know other people who have gotten in the cycle of taking pills for mental health, and feel as though they are being put on a rollercoaster similar to the way you describe the experience.
You know your mind and body best. And you know what’s best for you. I am cheering your happiness on from afar. <3Lauren
Wow this is so powerful I’ve been raised in mental hospitals and medication has been shoved down my throat my whole life and I have always described the process of being properly medicated as this and you perfectly put the reality of it in the best words well done
You were a journey I yearned to embark on for many of my childhood years. A journey I knew I had to have however, knew nothing about. Today, I have been a mother for 15 years, nearly half my life. Your are everything I dreamed of and nothing I could have ever imagined. I cry uncontrollably, I have to re-parent myself, I’ve seen so many different versions of me within you.
I’m grateful for you the most out all of my life experiences. I’ve had some of my highest highs and my lowest lows within you. You have pushed me to grow and heal. The healing journey I have experienced was because of you. You taught me that I do not have to be what the world said I am. You’ve given me so many gifts. I’ve watched myself and my children grow into beautiful human beings.
I’ve learned kindness from you. I’ve learned how to love me. I’ve learned to treasure the moments while being excited for the future. You’ve taught the control freak within me that she can not control anything but herself. I can not express the magnitude of gratefulness I carry within me for you. Every minute that passes I look forward to the next.
I am excited to see what the future of motherhood hold and I’m ready for everything it has to throw at me; the good, the bad, the ugly and the pretty. So I say to you, Motherhood, thank you for everything you have and continue to gift me and all the wisdom you will embark on me.
Forever a Mother of Motherhood,
Antoinette Gonzalez
Antoinette!! This is beautiful. I am literally tearing up. Motherhood is such an amazing gift. And it’s clearly brought out the best in you, and it shows in the wonderful people your children have become. I love how you can recognize how fortunate you are and how you see all the beauty that comes with being a mom. This is a special piece. Thank…read more
*This summer my friend challenged me to write something based off of paint color names. I did it once and liked the result, so I had to do it again. I had my mom choose 5 different paint color swatches at a hardware store and then wrote this. While some details in this letter have been changed (to fit the prompt) I believe this does encapsulate the beautiful spirit of my deceased godmother so I dedicate this to her.
____________________________________________________________________________
I miss you
I miss the way you used to romanticize life
And filled it with special moments
What a blessing it was to watch you relishing in every moment you were here.
With hospitality you would set out fancy china, brew coffee and fill a carafe with heavy cream just for me
The way you would belly laugh when we got caught in a downpour and arrived home sopping wet.
The few sacred moments we spent together in the morning where you would put my hair in a ponytail and smile warmly at me.
The way you would kiss me on the forehead and your cloudberry clad lips would imprint themselves there as a reminder of the deep love you had for me.
The way you would strategically place the tinsel on the Christmas tree so that it would glimmer in the darkness.
Your enthusiasm for life was what made you so beautiful.
And it is a piece of you that shines in the mosaic of pieces that make up me.
One day I will have my own goddaughter and I hope my wonder and enthusiasm for life
I was so lucky to have her. She was like a second mother to me. I just wish I had her for longer. We lost her when I was 18. I was just learning to adult. I’m now 27 and wish I had her warmth and wisdom to guide me in these transitional/transformational years of my life. I hope I am living a life that makes her proud of me.
Oh-three-thirty
the “am” is implied
it can be considered (in military speak)
as zero-dark-thirty
either way, wakefulness is present
outside the sleeping bag cover in camp.
Yeah, still dark outside
my hound and I go out
and the in the darkness
all one has to do is look
up. There is the splendor
of the night sky, clear, starry, unobscured.
Funny how neither of us even thought
about the night critters that may be about
he relying on my presence for safety
my reliance on him for his superior night vision
and sense of smell to warn.
What pictures are there painted in the dark
with steadying brush in hand, trying not to drip
dusky colors off the palette?
Looking up, at the show of night sky
there is no admission, save wakefulness
the theater is quiet, as if in anticipation
of the drawing back that thick purple curtain
still no noises, the dark is silent.
My eyes only see the the vision of the stars
that I am native to see
over the treetops to the left
are such bright pinpoints
close together enough to be a cluster, perhaps
one must be a planet, intense light from there
I shall have to find out which
still I realize that the visions
from the Webb space telescope
are far more lustrous, clearer.
Returning to the tent
the hot coffee is waiting
mist curling up off the coffeepot spout
like some close up nebulae in the cool morn.
I am full of wonder
not sleep, that was a thing of an hour ago
awaiting the sunrise,
and its chase of the darkness into the distant west.