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  • The Strength Within

    There is a grieving process that comes with healing that isn’t often talked about, but I think it should be. Coming to a place where you can see yourself without judgement, even if it is for a fleeting moment, is something magical; but stepping into that space when you never thought you’d get there is an entirely different experience. Although I am happy to be at a place where I feel present and grateful in my life, when I look back on that young girl whose nervous system was in such a hyperactive state that she was never present to create many memories, my heart aches for her. I can’t help but grieve the loss of that time and those memories.

    I lost years of my life to anxiety, to a constant state of trying to protect myself from everything in the world, while trying to appear as perfect as possible to avoid any conflict or hate, as I already had enough of that going on internally. I lived my life for other people, whether it was me constantly saying “yes” when I truly meant “no,” or over-extending myself to make sure I was liked by everyone. I always thought that I was too annoying or too anxious and crazy for anyone to want to deal with. I also felt like my anger was uncontrollable sometimes and I had no idea how to deal with it, and since I had zero understanding about my brain or mental health, I just internalized all of my problems and my self-esteem continued to diminish.

    I’d have constant breakdowns and my boyfriend would be there to pick me up off the floor…I felt so helpless. I remembered looking at up at him with tears streaming down my cheeks and blurting out: “I just don’t know why I’m not happy! I have you, I have my cats, our apartment, my job… why don’t I feel happy?” I even tear up now as I write this, because I can almost feel that same emptiness in my chest in this moment of remembering it. I didn’t understand why I felt this way, and why I was treating the person I loved the most in unloving ways. After years of being completely against anti-depressants, I started my google search for psychiatrists who were in-network with my insurance and proceeded made my appointment. I honestly was under the impression that they were like psychologists who could prescribe medication if they felt it was necessary, but this one talked to me for about fifteen minutes and prescribed me Zoloft.

    I want to say that I truly believe medication saved my life, and I don’t think I could have done the healing I did without it, but Zoloft was not the one for me. To be fair, I did say I wanted to turn off the overwhelming flares of emotion that took me over so often, but once I actually felt like I had no emotions, I quickly changed my mind about that. This was only the start of a long journey of being on and off medications until I finally decided to get back on a new medication and truly dedicated time to working on my mental health. I knew the medications were just a “Band-Aid”, and if I ever wanted to be able to feel regulated without them, I would need to get to the root cause of the issue.

    That dedication took a lot of courage, and I can truly say that I my strength today comes from the fact that in my absolute lowest time in life, I was able to see a hopeful future where I could live with my anxiety, and I decided to take steps to work towards it. Not only that, but as I continue to progress through life, I am actively working on practicing “non-judgement” with myself and learning to love all of me as I continue to grow and evolve. I also find strength in my openness about my mental health, as I know how horrible it felt to be alone in my chaotic mind. Being open and vulnerable with the world is to show everyone that it is nothing to be ashamed of. I know that everyone goes through their own traumas and has their own healing to do, and I feel that we all need to give ourselves a little more grace as we navigate through this unpredictable life.

    Today I feel strong as I am able to share my story publicly, and I am a lot more confident as I work towards being my best self. I feel strong that I have learned how to take criticism and understand not to take things personally. I feel strong in the fact that I am aware that I do not have all the answers and that I only know what is best for me and my life. I feel strong knowing that I will forever be growing and evolving and it is okay to change my mind and/or perspective. Overall, I feel strong knowing that I can truly do anything that I put my effort into, and I believe that is true for all of us.

    Jena

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    • Jena – You DEFINITELY can do anything you put your mind to. As I have mentioned before, I too struggled with anxiety growing up. Starting at five years old, I would get horrible stomachaches and throw up. I think back on my childhood and get sad on how many days I wasted feeling sick when that didn’t have to be the case. But I do my best to learn and grow from it and also leave it in the past. Your openness and your desire to go on a journey to live your best life is not only proof of your strength but also is the very thing that will lead you to your happiness. You are incredible. And I hope you wake up every day knowing just that. I am grateful that you consistently share your heart with me and others. <3 Lauren

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    • Jena, I understand everything that you went through and you are so strong for that. I myself had anxiety and the feeling wasn’t pleasant. I would have series of depression that would lead into anxiety and then I would get severe panic attacks I was prescribed with medication but I didn’t really trust it. I felt like my body would get used to it and I would need a higher dosage. I solved my problem by coming to God and after that all of those things disappeared and I was so shocked by that outcome. I’m so glad that you were able to overcome it and be able to live a better life. Life is pretty unpredictable but you do have a lot of control on each situation you handle.

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