The impact of my Romeo’s embrace
can send ease throughout the mind—
compiling a space of security.
Shockwaves sent within
outside leaves only a grin—
the impact of my Romeo’s embrace.
Allowing the spirit to roam free
across the buds that have been planted—
compiling a space of security.
Growing in the races
tangling up the two souls—
the impact of my Romeo’s embrace.
Following the direction the fingers intertwine
as we head towards the meadows—
compiling a space of security.
A path sent from the rain
only he knows the pain we with-stained:
the impact of my Romeo’s embrace—
compiling a space of security.

After my mom passed away in 2010
I was unsure what the future held for me
I had no idea how life would be
Without the woman I loved and adored
I was stuck
Fast forward almost 14 years later
I love my growth
I love my consistency
I love that I am not afraid to tell my story
Sharing my struggles with grief
As well as my continuous
Uphill battle with healing
From past trauma
My patience with learning
That sometimes things aren’t meant to be
God’s plan is way better
Than how I believed my life ought to be
I am amazed that I have been blessed
With opportunities
I’ve dreamt of
A love that completes me
And restores my confidence in myself
A peace that fulfills me
I will continue to live life unapologetically
‘Cause this chapter in my life
Is way better than I expected it to be!

More Love, less strife
More confidence, less fight
The ability to just let things be.
Enabling my mind to stay clear and free.
Understanding that I don’t have to be the one doing everything.
Letting those that want to do, do their thing.
It’s not my call or opinions that matter,
I just want to embrace the differences of others in this chapter.

Gifted with discernment,
I am able to see what is not good for me.
Whether it be people or things,
or the situations they may bring.
If it doesn’t sit right in my soul
or leaves me questioning “What is the goal?”,
I’ve learned to walk away
and go on about my merry and peaceful day.

I hold no grudges and have no contempt.
From anxiety and hurt feelings, I just want to be exempt.
Besides, this chapter of life has no time for that part,
only room for good vibes and a kind, loving heart.

In this chapter, some will be left behind.
This particular loss can be hard to define,
but in due time the weight of what once was will fade,
and the sense of unsettlement will soon be outweighed.
Through growth and learning the value of contentment,
all things meant for me suddenly become clear,
as those that are not will eventually disappear.

In this chapter of my story, I now understand
that life doesn’t always have to have a plan.
I play the cards from the hand that life has dealt me.
Like the champion that I am,
I let my strategy be my ability to foresee.
I Live my life how I want to live it,
accepting all things good and rebuking resentment.
Heavily armed with the lessons that I’ve learned,
I realized that living in the here and now is what this chapter is about
So I will be ready and prepared for my next chapter…no doubt.

What do I love about this part of my life?
I wonder aloud to myself.
I seem to get caught up in the riptide of the ever quickening current of life and sometimes forget that when I ride the waves rather than resisting, I end up exerting much less extra energy and receiving much more than when my attention is caught up, too.
I do love that I can put this sensation into words, something that creates something from what was once abstract.
I love that I can pause and take just 3 breaths, and remember the gift that alone is.
I love that in this moment in my life, I am able to meet the triggers and challenges I face like an old friend who is just in need of a parcel of love, not to be turned away with vengeance.
I love that I am choosing me, no matter what, in a selfishly selfless way.
Who can pour from what’s empty?
I love that I am discovering what confidence means to me, and also for my ability to give grace, especially to myself, when that confidence I discover falters, even just momentarily.
I love that I can remind myself of all the reasons I have to be confident, and for all the gratitude that I feel for the awareness I’ve cultivated of this, as this practice has at times felt as unnatural as I imagine eating soup on the moon would feel.
I love that I am meeting myself deeper and with more love than I’ve known from myself ever, and for that I rejoice as I know it will be multiplied outwards.
I love that trying new things lights me up with excitement instead of cowering in fear.
I love that I use strength with my voice, no longer one to be bulldozed with others’ words.
I love that my once thorny boundaries have turned to beautiful vines, soft yet strong, ever enduring with elegance and ease.
I love that this chapter of my life has brought me a love of life – once a place that was a barren landscape of nothingness – now a fertile garden bursting with new life and the potential of growth beyond all imagination.

I am growing in places I didn’t even know was possible. Where I am from, people often get stuck. Mentally, financially or in whatever way possible. Stuck in time so much that people that know them from five years ago and people that know them from today know the same version of them. These people often repeat the same rhetoric: I am who I am. My biggest fear is being stuck. I have an amazing corporate job working for a technology company, but I want more. I have three degrees, but I want more. I crave progression in my life to a point that these thoughts invade my dreams. I don’t aspire to work up the ladder at the same job for twenty years or to stay at a job for the benefits and 401k. I don’t care about which insurance is offered or what discounts I can get through the company. I want more. I need more. I am meant for more. I love that in this chapter of my life I am not confined by my environment. I love that I am slowly breaking out of my shell. I will not lie and say I am not terrified to take that step. But what I know for certain is that I am not alone. The person that I was five years ago was too scared to walk, with goals that didn’t align with my soul. Now I am walking with God towards my purpose, open and ready to be molded into the person that I am meant to be – the person that lives in my dreams. I have grown from where I was and I refuse to walk backwards. I am who I am, but I am constantly getting better.

Dear Unsealed
Today I look forward to my life.
This decade I am 74 years old.
Not sure but had lots of strife.
So, I have been told.
I can say today,
As I relay or dream night and day
Of younger days and love and heartache
Of give and take,
This decade of clicking the box,
That says 70 +,
Such a fuss.
I am an elder with wisdom,
About life and love,
But somehow remain strong,
With reason and rhyme
Of space and time.
This is a time when I should have respect
From kid, grandkids, but
It does not always happen as I have kept.
Moving forward with time
Books and computers all that
I read, listen to music, write and all that.
This period in my life
I look back at relationships,
Loves, marching for equality for all,
And the concept of my fight for humanity
Love, peace, and light,
Are still not understood by certain people in my life.
I thought by this time
With reason and rhyme
They would understand my strife,
To create peace and love
Blessed from up above.
However, this is not so with certain people
But now I am old
I continue to be strong and bold.
I toss specks of salt
Over my right shoulder and left shoulder
To send peace to all
As I recall
Without humanitarians as I am
To tell folks it’s okay
Today
Tomorrow
Any day
I am to adventure to say
I do it my way
You do it your way.
I live one day at a time,
One moment at a time
Of reason and rhyme.
At 74 years old
I am still for peace and love,
Despite the folks who shut me down
All around town
I am woman.
Here me roar!
I have been down there on the floor,
Still an embryo
But I will be strong, progressive,
To move forward in time
With reason and rhyme
I am considered to be an old lady.
I can dye my hair pink.
Or gold or red.
Or whatever I choose,
Its okay today

People may see the contract
But not the contractions of wearing my heart on my sleeve
That now fits like a glove.
I’m striving to heal generations through self-love.
I’m choosing faith over fear and hope over hurt
For my heart to swell with laughter, love, and joy.
No longer afraid of the spaces, holes, and voids.

My positive vibes increase the vibration of others around me,
Beating to the sound of my own drum.
Each new day I live is a new beginning I’m open to experiencing
Turning my deepest secrets into my greatest superpowers,
Empowers me to release what no longer serves me
So I can serve myself flowers while I can still smell them.

Before I die,
I pray that my story will be someone else’s survival guide.
A Hummingbird beauty.
Someone’s call of duty to find love to heal again
And a love letter to that person that’s been laying in bed
And hasn’t seen beyond the four corners of their room in days
I pray that they will finally experience what solace looks and feels like.
I once heard that love is what healing sounds like.

What can I love about this chapter of my life?
The one in which I’ve moved back to my small, southern hometown
beach town
Flo-grown?

32 and single
Master’s degree
world traveler
Back in a spring break mecca
from which my friends have long since evacuated

Not my first choice
for this chapter
that wasn’t in my outline but will probably become the most influential in my memoir

6 months into hospice care –
my mother, that is

That final week of September saw
Death’s door and a Uhaul
My boxes were unpacked,
but that door never opened – just peeked through

She’s still going, good days and bad
I live down the street in a bright blue rental with Piglet, my cat
An independent woman who does laundry at her parents’ house

What can I love about it?

Tuesday morning trips to Fresh Market, Mama’s big outing with her portable oxygen machine
Making chocolate bark and homemade bread with her while most people my age earn money
or raise kids
Belly dance class on Tuesday evenings
and the occasional salsa dance Friday (when I’m willing to drive an hour away)
3am nights followed by lazy mornings where my only obligation is to smile for my parents,
to assure my mom I haven’t upended my life for her; I’ve simply changed direction

With fewer friends I have fewer distractions
Deep immersion into my creative projects
I stumbled upon a writing group with monthly open mics
where I wow the crowd with my performance, feeling struck by own accidental execution of my calling
I’ve been asked to emcee
local music shows, with requests to recite a few original poems between sets

They can’t believe I perform without notes, something that comes naturally to me. Never having taken theater, I missed my calling as an actress, but here I go: performing for live crowds and the internet alike. Finally feeling free to use my voice in a way it’s ached to be sung for so long. I didn’t expect to find it here.

For whatever reason, I’m a magnet for men, particularly foreign, primarily Hispanic
I go on dates along Florida’s scenic 30A, they always pay
I break their hearts, but I’m okay

When I’m not fine dining, I’m eating at the best restaurant on the planet:
my mother’s table
One of the few activities she still enjoys
Decadent dinners and leftovers for lunch
followed by homemade dessert, of course

I sit at the counter and watch her bake like a little kid
Too old to lick the beater from her fresh whipped cream
but too young to worry it may be her last batch
I savor every bite
of pie, bread, brussel sprouts – anything she puts in front of me

I’m “working” from home – my job of 9 years that I could do in my sleep
maybe 10 hours per week
Not financially fruitful, but I hardly pay for groceries these days anyway

I’m a stone’s throw away from America’s first two-time winner
of the “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches” award
Not a bad place to call home

I take long walks every night, post Mama-made dinner and dessert indulgence,
reflecting on what is and daydreaming about what will be

The Latin men who court me tell me I go to bed too early, but I love my little routine:
Waking up at sunrise to do yoga and meditate on my back porch
Fresh air first thing in the morning

At a time when everything is meant to feel bleak,
I love that
it doesn’t

It feels…alive

Low key days laced with the subtle layer of impending doom, triggering appreciation of the here and now

I love the person it’s turned me into: the fearless performer and solo adventurer, tourist in her
own hometown
People tell me I’m “a vibe”

Because I’ve no room for reservations:
Death is part of life

Our one and only shot at Earth school, in this flesh in this moment
Why not make the most of
an objectively poor situation?

I’ve surrendered to it. Accepted it.

At first I felt trapped: confined as a caretaker running on guilt and family obligation
Now I’ve learned that feet can keep dancing on the stickiest surface

Life is too short
to care too much
and too long to gripe
Savor the fruit when it’s ripe
and don’t dwell when it rots

What I love are the mornings that I wake up laughing without cause
I’ve found light in my soul despite the shadows that besiege me
I ignite that light with my own self-love, acceptance, and comfort with sacrifice

I am greater than circumstance. Imperturbable.

It’s a unique time (that I would opt not to recreate)
But I find plenty to love
about this season of my fate.

We first saw her picture in a book,
In the days before everything was online.
She was a face among many
On one of a hundred plus pages in a kid’s catalog.
Not a book for kids to enjoy,
Filled with enticing toys and games.
But a catalog of kids,
Children that needed a home,
And we casually leafed through it like a store’s advertisement.
I don’t recall why we stopped on her picture,
But we did and made plans to meet her.
We felt the stares when we arrived at her foster home.
We were the minority in her neighborhood.
Her foster home was busy
With children running throughout,
Seemingly too many for the house to contain without bursting.
We planned to take her away for the day,
And she willingly joined a family of strangers
For her first trip to the grand museum on the city’s lakeshore.
I doubt she appreciated many of the exhibits,
But she loved the chicken nuggets after
As she fell asleep after her big outing.
We brought her back to her foster home,
And we agreed to discuss a second visit
To determine if she was a good fit for our family.
At the time, it seemed a practical plan.
Looking back, knowing what we know now,
It seems ludicrous that there was ever any doubt.
We said our good-byes and headed out,
But the noise made us look back.
We saw her inside the house,
Pounding on the door and crying.
She was almost two
And didn’t yet speak,
But she sure could scream.
And scream she did,
At us … for us … to take her with us.
There was nothing we could do
Except continue home
And call the DCFS office.
The next visit was quickly planned.
It would be our last.
We would bring her with us
To her new forever home.
The next time she left was when
She went off to college,
A vulnerable teen.
No longer the child without hair
Who walked with a limp and didn’t speak,
But still vulnerable.
She would return to us as a strong adult,
A beautiful dancer and learned scholar.
But most importantly to us,
She returned home as our daughter
Whom we love dearly.

October 17th 2006…
Gave up on the old life-it just could not exist.

I was using, drinking, abusing-Trying self to die
But though I was overblown-was some thinking in mind.
At the end of the night-substance and alcohol gone
Came this thinking of life stinking-maybe I was wrong.

Wait a minute here-I should be crumped,
These gasoline fumes just may be dumb.
Tomorrow, my only daughter…turns five-
And I’m not wanting to be alive?

How could one steal a life to others real?
When this world came to life-was it a flip deal?
Had not my best friend-escaped again,
To the hospital room from my hole-sunk tomb?
Emergency fair-I’ll wait…Have not my best friend there.

Then like God spoke:
Put the gas can down-may new life, have wrote…
So, I went next days’ recovery-
Burned out and bent; but God had reality!
…And this could all be good?
Wherefore means the little engine that could?

Therefore I obeyed that very next day,
And glory halleluiah-God had better/No, the best Way!!!
And no-have not had there-street life goodbye
Along with witchcraft involved in drugs…
I was simply chasing the wrong place/wrong love.
God, I thought You hated me-so I hated You too,
I for all along had been deceived-I’ll not type what needs You.
But thank You later for taking me, to the alter of grace…
God, once again-You were on time, because You’re never late!!!

8:41PM
4/15/2024
Monday

That moment I chose myself & my path of destiny
The path that was made for me
Was the happiest moment of my life

I no longer carried the heaviness of oppression & my generational strife
I no longer had to pretend I enjoyed being an ordinary housewife

I ran towards my truth quicker than the wind could blow

I could finally smile and exhale my ancestral whoas

I chose to be the person only a seer could see
I chose to stand tall & SING

I AM no longer a blackbird, but a phoenix of almighty power
I watched the clocks speed up by the hour

As I flew into the unknown above their racist towers
With a new perspective of self-love & dignity

As I sat there resting, finally able to drink my tea
And basque in the glory of who I could BE

Embodying the path that was made for me

Celebrating that I chose,
My heavenly destiny

For a long time I have always felt silenced. I go to speak and no words come out. So I hold it in. I have held my tongue for many reasons. One of which comes from childhood where I was told ‘do not speak when grown folks are talking’ or ‘don’t speak when I speak’. And they are always speaking. Another reason for why I have held my tongue is because of my speech impediment. I say my R’s like W’s so whenever I speak people find it comedic and disregard the words that I am actually trying to say. So I hold it in. I don’t speak and I disassociate. But that was my childhood. I am grown now and I can’t keep being quiet. I can’t keep getting walked over and I can’t keep tolerating disrespect. I believe that I try to be gracious to people and even when they are wrong I try not to judge too harshly. I give grace, but it is not received. I get evicted, lose my car, move back in with my parents and it is all his fault. Apparently. Even though everyone in the family has suffered a loss, has lived through failure. However, the person that I love must be perfect and never, ever fall. The person that I love has been judged and I stay silent. The person that I love has been treated and talked about unfairly, but I have no words. If I don’t know how to speak up for myself, how can I speak up for others? The moment that changed my life for the better is when I was punished for loving someone. I had to suffer and go without because he is a little rough, he curses and he’s not perfect. Getting punished for something you cannot control is something that I couldn’t hold it in. The words and emotions flowed out of me. The words stung and I knew it, so I just pressed it in deeper. I wanted to speak on all of the times that I didn’t speak for myself. I wanted to remind them that I was always last on their list and how I was always overlooked. I am never invited out and never included, but the person that sticks beside me and that is with me every day is villainized. He is not perfect, but neither am I. Or you. Jesus said that he that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. It seems like those with the most to say and the most to hide are the ones always casting the stone. So, I threw a stone when you made me sit outside in the rain when I was in college, but you let some random guy roomate with you. And I threw a stone on the time that I was stuck in the middle of nowhere and you refused to get up because you were in for the night. I am better now that I know that I don’t need to hold my tongue to be a part of a family. I am better since I let you have it. I am better since I stepped to you and made you realize no matter how much older you are than me, I will never tolerate disrespect from you. The moment you took the car away that you gave me because you didn’t like my boyfriend it changed me for the better. Ten days later, I got approved for a car with no money down. Punishing me for who I love will never work because God will show up, show out and bless me even better in the end.

Silence must be heard

A Voice unheard.
Afraid to speak
Years of darkness,
Years of being a sheep.
Wrongfully fired on the spot
Her mouth hung open
She was distraught
Silenced again,
with so much pain
Never again
Did she move the same.

Fear resided, kept her silent
Until reminded,
She was the pilot.
Stepping on the stage,
She sang her song
Wrote her next page.
Verbiage flowed
like never before

Finally,
her Voice roared.
Her Voice carried
The melody gave her power
She began to bloom
Becoming a vibrant flower!
Now heard and not just seen,
She began to live
Live her dreams,
Never to fear being
Heard or seen.

You told me not to leave
More times than I could count
Confused young kids
Having kids
Not knowing what was what

Well one day I finally remembered
I’m worth
All the love and more
And that endless love
It starts within
And flows forevermore

The journey has not been easy
Rocky from the start
But I’ve grown stronger and wiser
And all these lessons fill my heart

I’ve had poison aimed straight to my soul
From your words and energy
But despite your lies and anger
I never will grow cold

Because if this darkness that I must face most days
The light I have within my soul
Re-illuminates me always.

I would cry out to God from the pit of my soul.
As I wrestled with anxiety and depression,
The unending churning deep within my stomach,
I did not think that season would ever end.
I did not have a desire to eat or be present.
All I wanted to do was hide in a place that was small enough to fit just me.
It was then I wished I knew what it looked like to be free.

Days felt like months and months, years.
I kept praying, “Lord, please help me!”
And in those moments God lifted my load
And lo and behold a new chapter of my story unfolded.
God’s light shined through the shadows of doubt and fear
Unleashing the true essence of my divine design, it was crystal clear.

I went through the fire to turn my trauma into gold.
What was once scary is now beautiful.
No longer letting the intensity of today’s pain take away the joy of tomorrow’s glory
Because the seed of my pain was exchanged for my victory.

I am the personification of strength and resiliency.
A woman with a pen and purpose
Connected to this God-given system that flows with greatness.
Poetry became like breathing to me
And to others a shoulder to lean on,
Leaning towards solace
I can finally say I know what solace looks and tastes like.

I found love within God’s love letters
And found peace within the broken pieces of me I once thought were no longer valuable.
Forever grateful that Christ paid the full price for something that was broken.
What was once bloody is now beautiful
Beautifully put, when God exchanged my heart for His
And gave me a new spirit to reject the handful hand-me-downs of generational trauma.

I am aligned with energies that heal my past and grow my future.
I release past versions of me that no longer reflect who I am.
My flesh is rewriting the story about my new inheritance, a garden of generational blessings.
Planting the most powerful word seeds for glowing vibes of a fruitful harvest.
Sun-kissed in rich soil of healing and revelation, a prophetic word.
I stand with mountain-moving faith, believing that it is well with my soul!

At first, I thought that writting this letter would be hard for me because, there have been a few things that happened in my life that changed me for the better or that has tought me a lesson/lessons. But actually, it’s going to easier than I thought. Life is always teaching us lessons, but just as it was in school, it depends on if we are paying attention or not in order to learn those lessons.
One experience that helped me change my life for the better, was when I found The Most High ( or some like to call him, God). Dont get me wrong, I always was a very spirtual person because I did grow up going to church and all, but it wasnt until I had gotten older to understand that my relationship with him had to be alot more personal and alot more surrendering.

I have always known I was different, I just didn’t really understand how or why. And at first, yes I thought something was wrong with me because I never fit in with my peers. Eventhough I tried. It wasn’t until going through so many trials and tribulations all around the same time that caused me to seek a more deeper understanding about myself, about life and about my purpose of why I’m actually here.

I don’t want to get too much into details, but I will say that I had a few losses of loved ones, jobs, friends and even became homless at a point of time. Like completely homless to where I had to pedhandle, ask total stangers to help me be able to feed myself for the day, which was not always easy. I had slept ouside, on trains, even slept in a car. I am grateful for those who did help, but there were alot of people who didnt want to. Which caused me to have to spend awhile doing it until someone was kind enough to help me. Not to mention, I had to put so much pride to the side in order to be able to ask totally strangers for money in the first place.

One day, I had a meltdown. In frustration of everything that seemed to be hitting me all at once, I cried out literally in prayer. I was angry, sad, and very emotional. Didn’t know what else to do, who to turn to, or how to feel anymore. And eventhough I hadn’t been to church in years, something in me made me cry out in prayer that day. I was overwelmed. I knew there was someone greater than I that had the answers to all my questions, and I was tired of trying to figure it out on my own. And, The Most High most really did answer me soon after.

Something(our creator) urged me to start reading the bible after that prayer. So I did. I started to read more from that point on, started praying even more and not just even asking for things but being grateful for things that I did have and for still being here. I started to seek deeper into self-care and loving myself, healing from my past. I noticed that a change within me started to happen so much that I started to see changes happen around me and for me. I found a better job, making more money, married my soulmate, and I started to understand more about myself so that I could contiue to make changes and grow.

Some call it a spiritual awakening, I call it becoming more self aware. Healing from pass trauma and learning how and when to use my gifts. Remember when I said that I knew that I was different, and that I just couln’t explain or understand how? Well, I found out that everything that I had been through was meant to happen so that I could be a testimony to help others that may have experience the same things that I have. And that I should find ways to use my talents to share my story with others, to help them find and keep hope alive. I have become a better version of myself. I love helping others, wheither its with my story, or being someone that is easy to talk to, or even helping out the homless as best as I can. Because I was once homless, I now understand just how important it is to give back to the community. Expecially to those in need. I know firsthand that not many people want to help the homeless, so I want to make sure that I am apart of the small percentage that love helping. We should always give, it should be in everyone’s heart to help each other without looking for something to something gain. Unfortunatly, its not in everyone’s heart to help.

Our creator saved me that day. He was just waiting on me to acknowledge him, ask him for his help because he is the only one who truely can. I am on a better path in life now, eventhough it still can get frustrating with everything that’s going on, I now understand that I am not alone. I never was alone, and as long as I keep my realationship with him, he will always be there to guide me to the path that he designed for me.

I pulled on a pair of runners, tied up the laces tight
Lined up behind the racers, hoping to keep out of sight
Two minutes in, I struggled for breath, fearing I would meet my death
I pushed forward despite my pain, dodging blowing northwest rain
With every puddle I side-stepped, I grew stronger, more confident
For the moment I was simply me, not a husband’s wife nor a babe’s mommy
My body moved freely in open space, unconfined by time or place
And with that first race, on that day one, I found I absolutely love to run
This revelation did change the way I lived my life both then and today