Dear God,

It’s internally overwhelming dealing with death. It’s like going out to dinner with 7 people at a table. You’re all aughing, smiling, enjoying that meal because it’s filled with love and it’s seasoned well. Your meal is over and it’s time to go back home, but then one of you don’t get back in the car. Your family is in the car and you watch the other family member stand outside the car. You wave to them and you become sad. It’s now 6 of you in the car driving back home in silence and confusion. You have to put that key in the door, open it and go up to that room where that person is no longer coming home to get in that bed. “Is this real?”

Reality hits and now you are sad. You’re crying, hyperventilating, and your brain is racing. You ask yourself “What just happened?” “Wait, wait, did I just leave my loved one at the restaurant and watch them walk off into the fog? “Maybe, I was dreaming?” You realized that you’re not. “Are they ever coming back?” “Who told tthem to go off into the fog like that?” You grab your phone to call them and hope they will pick up. RING…. RING….RING.. RING…

You hear something, as if someone picked up… “You have reached the voicemail of Pablo Joshua, please leave a message after the tone” “Dad, dad, are you there?” …BEEEEP…….. “Dad, please pick up, it’s me, Janet”. “Dad, can you hear me?” Then……Cancer, he answers. “No, your father is not here anymore, but you can speak to him at anytime”……silence…… more silence… more hyperventilating…..more heartache.. tears fall profusively…

“Hello, cancer, you really took him? Cancer, you son of a bitch! “

You really took him away from me, away from all of us??”…Who invited you into our lives?”.

You grab your chest because you can’t breathe. You even think, “maybe I should go back to that restaurant and join him in the fog”.

No, you can’t do that!

Its’s morning. I hear calypso music playing. The sun is up. I just don’t smell Johnny Cakes. I wish I did.

My dad is in my house and I see him everyday. I hear his voice, his fingers snapping, and his feet tapping to Hall & Oates.

(Music playing…lyrics are in tune)….
“You’re a rich girl, and you’ve gone too far
cause you know it don’t matter anyway…
You can rely on the old man’s money..
You can rely on the old man’s money..”

I walk down my steps and I see him. I smile. “Look at him, having a ball”, feeling the music in his soul. His eyes are closed and he is smiling. I see it. Look, at him. It’s my youngest son. His face is just like his. His soul is just like his. It’s beautiful to see. He’s my fathers twin.

I go down another flight of stairs and look at my dad, laughing and talking on the phone. Its my dads laugh so distinctively. It’s my oldest son. He’s my dads other twin.

I’m out at a restaurant and it’s music playing. I hear my dad speaking and playing his favorite tunes. I stop short, look up and smile. It’s him. There he is, being an amazing DJ that he loves to be. The voice on the mic and that’s Pablo’s voice. It’s, my brothers voice. He is such a great DJ, just like my dad. He makes his sets and send them out to people so they can enjoy and feel the love for music just like he taught us.

Wait! Just wait a minute, look at my dad out there on the dance floor. He loves two stepping to the music. I hear Anita Baker, Kenny G, and calypso king, Arrow. You can tell he feels the music with every step he takes. It’s My little brother and he is out dancing and smiling on the dance floor, just like my dad.

I hear sports playing, it’s loud. I use to wish he would turn that down. I hear the commentary. He’s watching sports. and now he’s broadcasting live from the station. Who would have thought that Dad? I know you are so proud of your baby boy. My youngest brother is the sportscaster. He is my dads other twin.

I see and hear my dad all the time. I’m blessed. I’m grateful. He lives in me everyday, he lives in my sons and my brothers.

God, my father taught me all about music.
He lived and breathed music. All genres!

What more could I ask for? God, his spirit is never leaving my house. You were right. I want to thank you God. I want to thank you for taking my dad and putting his soul at peace. As much as I said, I wish he was here for this or that… he is., and he multiplied.

Thank you!
Love Tiny!

P.S., please let my dad know, that I miss him and his legacy of music and sports will live on forever.

Wait, I can just tell him myself.
Good night!

Rest in peace to my dad, Pablo E Joshua 1/25/48 to 4/16/18

You were always on my side
You were my joy; I was your pride
In this cruel world, just us vs. them,
But all good things come to an end
Now I’m left here all alone
With that final goodbye,
My life shattered in the blink of an eye
Lost like an orphaned fawn,
How can I ever carry on
Without the only friend I’ve ever known?

Let the wires cross
Let the signal be lost
My thoughts erratic,
Lost in the radio static
Now that you’re not there
Make no mistake
There’s no return from this break
No time to dwell on loss,
Here’s my heart signing off,
Fading into dead air

So I’ll reset that emotional dial
And face it all with a smile,
Let this world strike me down
I’ll never show them a frown
As I try to live by your advice
With the tools you gave in hand,
Here and now I make my stand
Forgive me for not growing strong
Enough in time to right your wrongs
But it will not happen twice!

Let them know our pain
Let the chaos rain
From the heavens above
As they say, in war and love
Everything is fair
If I must cross this line
I’ll stand up for what’s mine
Now there’s no turning back
As the scene cuts to black,
Fading into dead air

You are the run-on sentence
English has taught me not to use.
The Punctuation with red lines of knowledge
as I fail to convey thoughts of expression.
And yet, I recall the Afro-Fusion in your tone,
the fineness in your smile exiled from Black Culture.
The admiration of the necessary things, like catching
each syllable like butterflies in my stomach, when you
reach a unique journey that shifts you into my favorite Icon.

Even now your observations are penned to memory,
ultimately growing to term like my daughter
being born from the love you gave me.
Each lesson is a precise section that supports
and conclude your life’s purpose.

Your thoughts live on through every misspelled
word in my chapter of being as you watch over me, circling
and underlining my faults. Somehow still levitating your
suggestions in marginal explanations of my highest lows and
my deepest concerns of my soul.

You are the warmest period I’ve seen
in the English language. Always about the rules
of storytelling and yet basically used your criteria
for this kind of short story. Your creativity is the reason my
masterpiece for poetry is written like a master manuscript.
Every detailed piece included reading within a hero’s
pilgrimage. This is the message you gave how to approach
my failures and yet never give up on my story.

As I took a trip down memory lane
I thought I’d write you a letter
It’s a letter in your memory
One I’ll carry with me forever

It was Valentine’s Day 2011
The story of your new life begins
I wandered through the shelter aisles
I was looking for a special friend

Several people passed you by
And at first, I did too
But you wouldn’t stop crying in your cage
Begging me to pick you

I remember your big hazel eyes
And your gigantic ears
And the big red bow tied around your neck
And how your face was stained with tears

I knew from that moment you were the one
And you were the one every day after
You were sick and you were scared
But you still managed to bring me laughter

Those few years went by so fast
They were almost a blur to me
We went to the park, you learned new tricks
And sometimes you struggled to breathe

Your heart slowly began to give way
But you still put up a fight
Every moment was a precious gift
During your final year of life

But the time had come, you could fight no more
I tried everything to keep you alive
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done
But I had to say goodbye

An empty basket sat in the car beside me
The night I left the vet’s
I only had your collar in my hand
And I came home to your empty bed

I miss you every day of my life
But there are days I miss you more
You were my very first baby boy
The one I loved and adored

But you are not suffering anymore
You are running wild and free
Over the rainbow bridge
And watching over me

Okay, maybe you’re not really watching me
It’s just my silly dreams
I’ve been holding onto your memory
Since September 2019

You looked back for a moment
It was time for you to fly
Over the rainbow bridge
Our final goodbye

You could’ve been anyone’s dog
But I’m so glad that you were mine
I’ll miss you forever
My Valentine

Yes, I’ll miss you forever
Eight years just wasn’t enough time

Dear Reader,

I want to warn you before diving deep into this letter that I’ve experienced a lot of loss in the last 10 or so years. As I was pondering who I should write about I concluded that I could not choose just one person.  To choose one person would be to act as if the others did not exist, nor matter to me. Each of these people mattered and each of these people has deeply impacted my life and has contributed a piece to the mosaic that continues to become me.  So instead of honoring one person I choose to honor each person and to impart the lessons about love that they each taught me. 

Dear Loved Ones,

To my matante Elaine.  Your departure from this Earth was swift, sudden, and shocking.  The winter snow was in the process of melting as my thoughts dissolved and I erupted into a puddle of tears when I heard the news.  In those early days of grief, I didn’t know how I was going to live without you.  You showed me a love that was kind in a world that often was not.  Your eyes and your smile communicated warmth, love, and light.  You sheltered and protected me amid the storms in my life. Your heart and your home were my safe space. You made everyone you encountered feel seen, known, and loved even when you didn’t always feel it yourself.  To this day I strive to see, know, and love people with the kind and gentle love that you did.

To my Memere Gonneville.  Your passing came all too quickly. Because you had Alzheimer’s I had expected we would have to die other smaller deaths before we lost you completely.  But you remained healthy until one day you weren’t.  From you, I learned that love delights in the other.  In your younger years, you delighted in seeing us smile as you insisted that my sisters and I choose a toy from the dollar store, or as we played at a park, or as we experienced new things. Our joys were your joys and our sorrows were your sorrows.  That’s one thing I know I got from you.  Your last coherent words to me were “I love you.”  I hope when my time comes my last words will be “I love you.”

To my Memere and Pepere Hebert.  Much of my life was spent in your home sitting at your kitchen table watching and learning from you.  You gave me an example of a healthy, faith-filled marriage.  It was clear to me that you two loved each other deeply.  You died months apart from each other.  You taught me that love is generous with time, talent, and treasure.  Memere you transported many people to their medical appointments in your spare time.  When we visited you almost always retreated to the basement and returned with something to give one of your many grandchildren.  Pepere you were my rock, but also my teddy bear; strong yet soft.  My favorite moments with you were sitting on the swing watching the cars go by because in those moments you were fully present to me. You taught me to persevere.  That is a lesson I will always carry with me.  In the end, you taught me that love doesn’t end even when life does.

To my aunt Jackie. I loved spending days on the lake and at the camp with you. You loved the Blessed Mother so much and recited the rosary every day. You taught me that love is faithful even in times of suffering.  Your killer was cancer that metastasized, you endured great suffering but still, you were devoted to the Blessed Mother finding comfort and consolation in her motherly care. I strive to love the Blessed Mother as ardently as you and to pray for the hour of my death as much as you did. 

To my cousin Briar Rose, who passed away at 5 months old.  You taught me one doesn’t need to live years to live a meaningful life and to experience love.  I held you and visited you in the hospital and instantly I fell in love with you.  Though you didn’t live very long after your diagnosis you had a profound impact on our community as they banded together to support our family during that difficult time.    

Because you all mattered I still grieve.   
But it is also because I lost you…..
Because I know time is not guaranteed, but rather is a precious gift,  
That I savor each moment I have with those I love dearly. 
Thank you for being a part of my life and my story.

Hey little girl
How are you doing today?
Did you have a good day at school?
Did you go outside and play?

I hope you had your time to escape
From the anger and chaos within the walls
Of the apartment on that second floor
Where dingy carpet lines the eerily long halls

You often weren’t aware of how bad it was
Not in the younger years that is
Because you watched all your friends in their own struggles
You were more worried about her pain and his

You were good at removing yourself from the suffering
You were always able to see the good and humor in things
Sometimes that humor could be looked at as dark
But it helped get through the bitter words and stings

You were so observant and smart
Too grown up for your young age
You could sense when things were off
Even when they tried to keep you in your cage

You knew that life wasn’t normal
Even if it seemed better than others you saw
You started your plans on how you would free yourself
And looking back at your diligence, I admire in awe

You got to work as soon as you could
Working multiple jobs and saving away
You knew the environment you grew up in
Was not where you were destined to stay

You planned and you prayed
Staying both focused and hopeful
You trusted your gut when others had doubt
And along the way, you found someone very special

A partner, a lover; someone who loved you for you
You both fell so hard and so fast
You knew deep in your heart, that he was the one
And even at such a young age, you knew it would last

You have always followed your intuition
You listened to the knowing within your soul
I am so proud and happy for you, sweet child
For you both took on and released control

You knew what was within your power
You are the reason I am here today, happy and healing
You did everything you could to build your ideal life
One full of peaceful, lovely feelings

You are so strong and resilient
Even today, you reside within my heart and bones
Together, we get to live our favorite lives
And we get to create a happy, healthy home

Thank you for your empathetic nature
Thank you for your strength and determination
Thank you for your playfulness and sensitivities
Thank you for your love and admiration

Thank you for your open mind
Thank you for your appreciation of the little things
Thank you for showing me the beautiful parts of life
Thank you for showing me what trusting myself brings

Little lad, so soon originality
Were now had of remembrance to see
Like that dreadful hot summer-
Drenched in sweat then thinking
Scared to death, running to Dad…
Yelling out loud, “Hey Pop’s-I’m leaking”!
Or jumping down Superhero style-
Straight off the top of the staircase,
Knowing your cape-towel all the while-
Would land you safe on the base!
Such fun mischief you often went through,
A wonder-dare conquering fears…
The natural boy came to you so clear!
Yes that little boy with hazel eyes and smiles too!
The lines stepped over, “one and only” say they-
At such a time past-you were always this way!
No toys to bring for elementary all for-“show and tell”…
So to school in a box-you brought snakes so well!
When came your turn-they slithered out all around the room,
And all the girls surely thought-this was final doom!
They all jumped up, they screamed and they fled…
But us young boys caught them-let them go, and caught them again!
Have I not to go on of-your happy younger self,
But you were so thankful all for everyone else!
You liked all those kids that none would play with,
You felt bad and cared-so you friended all of them!
That is only character, by God instilled for good…
And because of Him-so poor, yet rich you stood.
Yes little Timothy, original you were-
And that has carried on, in sincere imagination sure…
Even unto this day!
Yea, still that little guy inside-
By your kids is forever embraced!
Love ya lad!!!
6-18-24

Theresa, may I see you
As it is this day?
May I take one final breath,
And with you fly away?
Who is there,
What do you see?
Have I questions aware,
That you come back to me…so fair?
Woman, I caught-another’s’ power
And so missed you on your final hour.
Honey, woman, darlin-Dear…
I know the One who answers clear.
May I not let this tear me up-
My knowing your there is comfort enough.
May now I see you? Bet!
I’ll stay in 2nd heaven soon,
On the Moon of my regret…
You’re alive in my heart-And True.
2 lines alive-one for me, and one for you.

Sincerely, Timothy