Why do I love myself?

There is that saying how can you love someone if you can’t love yourself?

Then again.
It has me thinking.
I love my family.
My friends.
Inanimate objects.
My creativity.

But at one point I was an afterthought
I spent a good part of my life.
Truly not loving me.
Liking myself never felt honest, real.
Didn’t feel worthy.
I never really drew too much stock of the idea of loving me.
And deep within I thought it was just enough.
Going through life. Being just blah
Giving parts to myself, to people. Who I didn’t love.
Just because I could. It was easy.
I was doing things just to make others happy.
While it didn’t make me happy.
I lost myself in the process.

Once I truly stripped myself down. To the core of me
That’s when I began to accept the fact that it’s OK.
To ask for help.
That. it’s OK.
To set boundaries.
Learn not to settle.
Be honest with yourself.

My Sadness
My Darkness
My Scars
The hopes I have.
The wanderlust of my mind.
Fully understanding of who I am

I began to love everything that is me.
I begin to see this light that I dimmed down for so long.

Then the realization hits that loving yourself is one of the best feelings in the world.
From now until when my time is up
I will always love me.

I FELL IN LOVE

This year threw me for a loop. In a way that I never imagined. I fell inlove hard. I fell inlove in a way I never imagined I could. I fell inlove with myself. I fell inlove with the way that I love. I fell inlove with the way that I walk. I fell inlove with the way that I talk. I fell inlove with the way that I think. I fell in love. So inlove that I didnt know what to do with myself at times. I fell inlove with healing. I fell in love with being. I fell in love with crying my pain away. I fell inlove with the breakthroughs. I fell inlove with leaning on you. I fell and I fell and I fell. I fell inlove with being by myself. I fell inlove with making decisions for myself. I fell inlove with saying what I needed to say even when I was a little scared. I fell inlove with the process. I fell inlove with the progress. I fell inlove with the fact that I wasn’t perfect. I fell inlove. I fell inlove with patience. I fell inlove with kindness. I fell inlove with everything around me. See, I finally fell inlove with me.

It’s crazy to think how many times I put you aside. And how many times I was angry with you. And how many times I beat you up mentally. And how many times I neglected you. It’s crazy to think how many times I hated you. And how many times I thought less of you. And how many times I didn’t listen to you. You’ve never left my side, and still I never put you first. You always had my back and yet I never had yours. I left you for everyone else at some point in time, and still you were always there when I needed you. You showed me the true meaning of being. And the true meaning of seeing. You showed me what it was like to listen to someone without judgement, because you always listened to me.

How many times did I sit on my floor hugging a pillow and crying out to you? How many times did I look in the mirror and not recognize all that I was and all that I was becoming? How many times did I waiver from all that you had already taught me, all because I was confused? How many times did I let others tell you what you needed to do instead of just listening to you? How many times, how many times, how many times?

I’m in awe of you.
See, Your brilliance is refreshing
And, Your beauty is astonishing.
Your mind is remarkable.
And your love is everlasting.

So yes, this year threw me for a loop. In a way I never imagined. I fell so inlove that all I could see was heart eyes in that light shade of brown. So inlove that all I could hear was the Bronx in every syllable. So inlove that all I could smell was the perfume that lingered on the pillow. So inlove that I saw you everywhere I was and everywhere I was going. So inlove that I memorized how you take your coffee in the morning. So inlove that I wrote your name all over my notebooks. And so inlove that I imagined building a home with you and for you. So inlove that people thought I was lost in the sauce. So inlove that I checked for you daily. So inlove that I checked on you daily. I fell so inlove with me.

Baby girl,

How are you these days?
I wanted to share some of the things I love about you, with you, because I know it can be easy to forget them. But you’ve come so far. Gliding into your 30s with goals you didn’t have a year ago, that’s commendable. Constantly drawing close to God and allowing him to guide you, that’s admirable.

You’re funny, and friendly. You make a room glow even without the light switch being on. You’re very upbeat and upbuilding too. Many wouldn’t be with the battles you’ve endured, but here you are! So capable and so unique.

So “go with the flow” and “whatever happens, happens”. That’s hard to grasp for some, but you make it look like an adventure. Your passion for creativity is stunning and you thrive in the realm. Your cooking skills are incredible! Who throws down in the kitchen better than you? A wife, dog mom, and companion that’s always trying to give 1000%. Don’t ever let that go!

I’m so proud that we are one. Keep celebrating the wins, even the tiniest of them all. Cry out the fails and get back into it. We’re unstoppable. And you’ve always got me in your corner cheering you on!

Your best friend,

Me.

I’m lonely because my reflection has no one to hold
The outline of my ghost seen from air that is cold
The vacancy used to be home to love so bold
My reflection used to smile the same way the sun made nature happiness unfold

But it’s become a mirror of the Jamaican blue waters searching for something tangible in frustration
Anger has become a raging river of pillowcase tears spilling over the edge of my mind in desperation
It feels like fire burning my frozen fingertips to ash when my cloudy eyes began to leak precipitation
I hugged the numbness where my speech completes puzzle, and her fingerprinted lips became my long-forgotten embrace of sensation

Feelings have been evicted, because complacency in place of self-growth was more stylish
My living quarters are filled with the residue of erased poetry regrets because love is too expensive to furnish
I can’t afford to keep falling on this psychological couch only to flood my frustrations and not move forward and allow my purpose to be banished
Moving sucks, the packing of emotions and unpacking a reality that shares tents of bluish

So, instead I’ll just jump so I won’t have to ever slip again
Love doesn’t exist, I said as I got dressed in my final outfit of sin
I went out to eat for the last supper, fin
Then drove to the bridge to take a dive to the end

I jumped and felt the winds of fear flush reality back to my consciousness
The waves of laughter mist a reminder that life isn’t that bad when our voice says ha ha
The breeze of memories gives me a taste of moments I kept locked away for safe keeping
Forgetting where I put the key, like the lost famous recipe

Depression opens my eyes and I see the weight it bears but when I zoom out, I see my hand pressing down on my shadow causing the darkness to surround me
I’m falling and I can see the bottom increasing
The last memory I allow myself to have is: when I bought flowers for myself

Because the colors help me see the sunshine from the shade or moon from the dark
The curves remind me of the smile I still own
Lest I continue to lease short term happiness for joy
Every time I fall, I witness the natural healing of the body
Loneliness is walking on eggshells by your heels
But forgive yourself and the solitude of peace begins to blanket you and I again feel
I bought flowers to say I love you
And for that last second, I breathe into death and say life isn’t that bad
Concrete darkness crashes into dreams
And my eye lashes rise their rays as I awake to a new day
Cold panic sweats greet me but remember I can just wipe it away
I go to the restroom, brush my teeth, and recite my daily affirmations because today is not yesterday
I love me and add extra icing for the pieces I feel don’t belong
My heart still beats so I sing my song at the top of my lungs, like I’m in the car by myself
Some petals have wilted but a new season welcomes the future bloom
I love me and that’s enough no matter what anyone else thinks
I love me because God loves me
p.s. I had to jump to fall in love with myself…

My soul reflected upon a judgmental society of mirrors. I’m imperfect. Flawed as temptation slept with my mental plane. Each scar, each mark a precious flower gently shining in the dwelling seas, a déjà vu of my sanctuary. My strength cleaved at the depths of beauty, caressing the temple which God has given me. Embracing my Lows, and yet impregnating the highs of self love. Preserved in a vessel of love, kindness fondled my gaze of brittle strength as I strive to deal myself within a life lived fully. It’s a story wrestled with aggression, seduced to its primal adolescence and yet my shadow tries me. It indicates a lack of empathy, a bridge between languages of self doubt and inability. Is it the real me? A person to fill my soul with acceptance. Is the good in me a side with regretful feelings. A half that is faded with disease as my shadow walks underneath my skin. Is he my kin, a friend that completes me in a fullness that is peace. I want this word off my mind, this self love that released things which kept me back. The good was always seeking, searching, yearning for this mistress of acceptance while the shadows kept me in the light. I dated the dark, undercover her abuse and stood by her side. Indulging with her my other half a self where love can truely reside. I am whole, I am enough, I am free in these times of self love, I find my peace. If lost I’ll find you again, I’ll stay focus with a purpose until the days end when I’m up to bat at your love deep within my soul and embrace worth the wait.

hello, sweetie

i hope today treats you kinder than yester years
i hope today alleviates the fears of past trauma and heartache
i hope it reminds you of all the people you’ve been

‘cause right now, you’ve hit your quota—
the limit of disappointment you can take,
the amount of discomfort you can stomach

today, you’re nebulous in thought and bound by the demons that haunt you
you’re adrift in the sea of hopelessness, but remember…

you have survived

you have walked over flames from the volcano’s open mouth
you have clawed your way out of hell
you’ve encouraged yourself in the midst of darkness

and there you stand

a whole woman with the scars and tattoos to prove it
a woman with light in her eyes,
gratitude on her tongue,
dripping healing from her lips like honey

a woman whose love for herself finally outweighs the hate of it
whose song to the darkness encourages it to smile

on the days when this life made no sense
you were reminded that what is
is not what was

so to the woman who stands at the door now:

come on in
rest a while
breathe

I was eighteen in my public speaking class, introducing myself as a lioness with a shake in my throat.
She reminded me of my own strength when I needed her most:
When I was dissociating away from my high school relationship,
And dissociating into the arms of an abusive one.
When with ferocious presence I left, and I rebuilt.

When Roe v. Wade overturned and I’m on the phone with a man
He rants about how many women must be so angry,
But doesn’t hear how it made me feel.
When he tells me I’m just like my mother like that’s a bad thing,
With the lioness by my side, I left, and I rebuilt.

With the flesh of my former self between my teeth,
I destroyed and built again.
With the pain of my foremothers suffocated under my paws,
I destroyed and built again.
With screams and aches and roars I didn’t know I had buried,
I destroyed and built again and destroyed and built again.

The blood of self-love drips from my jaw.
The lioness and I are side by side and we are one.
We have found safety at last.

Dear Past You,

I will always remember how much you suffered last year: October’s final kiss, November’s shock, December’s loss, January’s drama and denial. I will never forget February’s paralyzing fear and tragedy, March’s withdrawal and relapse, April’s diagnosed PTSD, May’s guilt, and June’s regret.

You fell into July’s numbness. You were numb and broken. You were lying at the bottom of your grave looking up at the distant sky. You watched the slow, gray clouds painfully moving on, with rainstorm after rainstorm sinking you deeper.

Then August came, right when you thought you were going to drown, you let the rainwater float you up a little bit. You started to slowly climb. You started clawing at the dirt, inch by inch, climbing yourself out of the grave. At one point, you slipped and fell downwards. You didn’t fall all the way back down, but it was enough to make you cry. Your tears fell with the rain. Miraculously, you wiped your face, took a deep breath, and climbed some more.

When you made it to September, you got closer to the surface and a crack of sunlight shined down on you. When you were finally close to the top, the sun shined a little brighter. The climbing got a little easier.

September ended, and it was October again. Flashbacks and nightmares ricocheted in your brain; panic and memories flooded like the rain. A few dark clouds returned and you fell back down. But only a little bit. And that’s okay, because despite all of that you kept climbing until you reached the top. The sun came back from hiding behind the cloud. You stood on the surface different, stained, tired, but free and a survivor.

Thinking back, I don’t know how you did it. Even though you are a version of me, a part of me, I don’t know how you did it. But you did. You turned that grave into a wishing well.

You stood back up and I am so grateful for you. Your survival changed the way I look at everything. You gave me unimaginable strength. Having you in my life means everything will be okay; because, I am never alone when the clouds and rain appear. And they will, they always do.

I will always remember how much you suffered, and how much you survived. I would not be here if it wasn’t for you; I would not have this freedom. I will never forget how lucky I am to have you.

You survived last year changing past you, into present me, leading to the future us.
I adore you. I love you. You will always be in my heart.
Thank you for everything.

With all the love,
Present Me.

Hey, Oz:

I know it’s been a rough start to 2024. The health issues with both parents carried over from 2023. The skies above have been cloudy and gray for so many days. And since the end of the holidays, the days feel the same. Wake up, go to work and go to sleep.

Add to that, Valentine’s Day is coming up. Which tends to add on an extra layer to the sense of doom and gloom already being felt.

But I’m here to remind you, you’re not nothing. You light up in the world in so many ways.

Whether it be your beaming smile in the most candid of moments. The words that you put out that offer hope, even during the most difficult of days. Or, being as relentlessly positive for everyone in your life. The presence you carry each day resonates with other people.

I totally get it. As much as you appreciate everyone’s kind words, it tends not to stick around for very long.

This is your inner voice saying that you matter. You always have and always will.

Now, go forth and be the light that you wish to see in the world!

I unapologetically love me unconditionally
I apologize to my past selves for doing it indiscriminately
In order to be my best self would mean I am elated
It took a while and I’m proud to say it’s been reinstated
I do what makes me happy especially my inner child
She’s is so over the moon that her little heart smiles
She loves to color, sing and dance like no one is watching
It’s the growning soul and the little soul that are interlocking
She’s making all versions of her past self morph into her best self
Her happiness is her version of a prosperous wealth
Self love is psychological, spiritual growth and physical
With a proportional rainfall strictly biblical
It’s my definition and my own version
I am uniquely my own person
Thank you, God, for all that you have done for me and my family
I only got one life, and I want to do it right by being happy
No one can do me better than me. My only competition is me
My lessons are mine to learn only I would know
The path it took to get here and I’m not done though
I learn daily and I don’t claim to be perfect because I am human
I have to remind myself that life is a classroom
I’m not afraid of the lessons I let them pass through
I owe it to my heaven sent angel and angel who fluttered with his wings
You both are my life and light and also are my kings
It’s because of you I unapologetically love me unconditionally

Sometimes your worse abuser is the person you least expect. The one person that you should be able to trust above all others. So often innocence is stolen and the only reason is fear. Someone was too afraid to speak up. Too afraid to let their voice be heard. I admit that I’m guilty. The truth of this revelation laid on me like a weight until I took the time to apologize. To allow my victim to grieve. To yell and scream their anguish in my face. And I had to take that. I had to sit with it. I had to feel it and now I have to release it and let it go. We are supposed to confess our sins to one another so I lay my soul bare tonight. In hopes that I may be redeemed and forgiven this night. Kenisha I’m sorry. For every time I held your mouth shut when you needed to tell your truth. For every person I allowed to disregard your feelings. For making someone else’s discomfort seem like it was more important than yours. For every time I made you shrink and be small. I’m sorry for every time I let a man defile your body. For letting your innocence be taken away and not knowing enough to help you work through the pain. I am sorry for every time I convinced you to stay in a situation that you knew you should already have left. For every time I made you endure hardships just so I could continue to be a woman of my word. I’m sorry for not allowing you to be vulnerable. For forcing you to be strong. For every time I made you push forward when you needed a safe space to fall apart. For silencing your cries for help. I’m sorry for not loving you when you needed me the most. For disappearing into the emotionless void, when you needed me to be present. For every time I let you believe you weren’t beautiful. I’m sorry for letting my pride prevent you from displaying any weaknesses. I’m sorry for knowing better and not choosing to do better. You deserved more. Kenisha, Please Forgive Me!

Hey little girl, never thought I’d meet you.

There I was living life, forgetting all about you.

No wonder why I screamed and yelled with frustration.

I hated everything, including me, Gods creation.

While you lived inside me…I neglected and abuse you.

Remember when I had no boundaries and let people use you?

We were a mess inside dark and distasteful but on the outside our smile was pleasant and graceful.

I Remember the first time we met, I chose to reach down inside me.

I was forced to learn you, searching..wondering where you might be.

There you were standing…shaking…hurt and afraid.

Sorry I didn’t come sooner to heal you from the raid.

Hey full woman,

No apologies need to me said, you forgot about me, but you didn’t leave me for dead.

Look at us now I just love who we are.

We stand tall and proud and our confidence has grown by far.

You’re so strong and resilient and I love that about you.

No longer are afraid of all the things we have been through.

Look at you, you go girl! No more body shaming, natural hair full of curls.

No longer are you silent, you speak like you can conquer the world.

And thanks for the self motivation,

Thank you for the positive affirmation,

All the wisdom and knowledge, you’ve build that with patience.

That got us a long way, although everyday isn’t a good day.

But that’s why I love you so much because you don’t live for the day, another day another play, like you would always say.

You took joy in tomorrow.

you taught us to get back up and go get it, like the virtuous women in the Bible.

Thank you for taking me from the world and creating our own.

Here? it is comfortable. I could live here all day long.

I can go on and on with why I love you.

The love is strong

The love has grown

The love lives on

…..I love you