Dear Past You,

I will always remember how much you suffered last year: October’s final kiss, November’s shock, December’s loss, January’s drama and denial. I will never forget February’s paralyzing fear and tragedy, March’s withdrawal and relapse, April’s diagnosed PTSD, May’s guilt, and June’s regret.

You fell into July’s numbness. You were numb and broken. You were lying at the bottom of your grave looking up at the distant sky. You watched the slow, gray clouds painfully moving on, with rainstorm after rainstorm sinking you deeper.

Then August came, right when you thought you were going to drown, you let the rainwater float you up a little bit. You started to slowly climb. You started clawing at the dirt, inch by inch, climbing yourself out of the grave. At one point, you slipped and fell downwards. You didn’t fall all the way back down, but it was enough to make you cry. Your tears fell with the rain. Miraculously, you wiped your face, took a deep breath, and climbed some more.

When you made it to September, you got closer to the surface and a crack of sunlight shined down on you. When you were finally close to the top, the sun shined a little brighter. The climbing got a little easier.

September ended, and it was October again. Flashbacks and nightmares ricocheted in your brain; panic and memories flooded like the rain. A few dark clouds returned and you fell back down. But only a little bit. And that’s okay, because despite all of that you kept climbing until you reached the top. The sun came back from hiding behind the cloud. You stood on the surface different, stained, tired, but free and a survivor.

Thinking back, I don’t know how you did it. Even though you are a version of me, a part of me, I don’t know how you did it. But you did. You turned that grave into a wishing well.

You stood back up and I am so grateful for you. Your survival changed the way I look at everything. You gave me unimaginable strength. Having you in my life means everything will be okay; because, I am never alone when the clouds and rain appear. And they will, they always do.

I will always remember how much you suffered, and how much you survived. I would not be here if it wasn’t for you; I would not have this freedom. I will never forget how lucky I am to have you.

You survived last year changing past you, into present me, leading to the future us.
I adore you. I love you. You will always be in my heart.
Thank you for everything.

With all the love,
Present Me.