why is “time” used as an excuse for the victims as if I haven’t lived my whole life to the beat of a broken clock?

alarms raising suspicion
ever time things feel too good,
waiting for the other shoe to drop, because the other shoe a l w a y s drops the moment I take too many seconds
to affirm the power you have over me. every single minute detail of every “mistake”
I’ve made thrown in my face

as if… you aren’t the one who brought me here?

as if you aren’t the one who created a life you weren’t equipped to handle?
and instead of shifting to a new timeline,
you leap backwards into the one you are the victim and all you can see is the reflection of his face
when he endured enough.

this pain shouldn’t be mine to bear, but because of you,
I’ve spent my whole life repenting
for sins that I didn’t create
because all you saw in this baby girl was someone who you could FINALLY
control.

a poster child,
& debutant doll
who you could corrupt
into thinking the world would do the same to her as it did to you

but to your surprise,
it did… at your hands
& now you’ve turned your back
on the one person you were supposed to protect.

but what if I told you, she prevailed,

she felt her shit, dealt with it,
turned it in to 7 book deals
and is healing her way through self confidence and relationships a
little bit every day.

how dare I, right?
no longer fall victim
to the trap that you set
but instead learned that even a broken clock is right twice a day,

so I accept
that I am a victim
I have been manipulated and abused.

but unlike you,
I took those 2 minutes
and got myself out because I refuse
to live the rest of my life this way.

if “happiness is a butterfly”,
you are a bumble bee.
honey suckles seep
with opportunity
to propogate potential.

the unversal gift
of the life // death // life

the ability to embody
a honeycomb

transmuting
persperation
into pollination

finding a melody
in the hymn song
of the heartbeat

solice in the comfort
of faith,
knowing that Earth Mother,
will make sure everything is okay.

I think a question that a lot of us ask in the post break-up mess is

Why do they get to move on so quickly when they hurt me? Why is it so easy for them to find someone new as if nothing even happened?

I’ve realized that the answer is present inside the question.

They.
Hurt.
You.

You were the one left traumatized by their action or inaction. Their manipulation and abuse. You are the one left with the healing to do and the pieces to put back together again.

To them, the new girl is just another caught in their path. They’re not moving on, they’re just moving along toward the next source of energy they can drain. The next pretty thing that can make them feel okay bc looking for external validation is always easier for the unhealed, uncaring, and unbothered than just taking time to look inside. They don’t care, and they never will, until the day comes where she gives him that stare.

Manipulation and codependency are not on your registry. They’re not a part of your energy and are far off your radar. It’s not taking you “too long” to move on. You’ve been drug through the depth of hell and have clawed your way back out tooth and nail. So why wouldn’t you take precarious caution and detailed attention into your next ‘mate’?

They’re just moving on to the next,
we are building our future.
We are laying down our foundations to success & prosperity in all fields.

Anything that doesn’t bring us peace
Is a liability that we cannot afford
because we’ve already gambled away too much of our time, too much of our spirit, and too much of our love to only end here.
We are looking for partners and plans.
(…and the occasional one night stand bc we’re all human here 😉)

But we don’t dare waste our time with another who only intends to use us to fill the voids they refuse to heal themselves. We heal ourselves so we never become them and never put anyone else through what they put us though. We are walking illustrations of selflessness, patience, and unconditional love.

Deep down inside, we know this time is meant to love ourselves unconditionally. So when the right one comes along, their love will only add to the self-love that’s already strong inside of us. It won’t need to complete us, because we are complete on one own. We aren’t 1/2, we are the whole and we are all the better for it too.

So my love,
Please know that true love
Genuine love
Unconditionally
Healthy love
Is already abundant inside of you
And when the time is just right,
He’ll come along and add his share too. <3

I don’t have resolutions and despite popular belief
I really don’t know what I’m doing
(especially going into this next year.)
Instead, I know more about who I am not
& I know what I will not do.

I will not wait.
for anyone or anything to like me
I have no desire to be likable to the people who see as debatable
I want to be loved fully and completely
I want to know that I am worth the fight
worth the discomfort
And worth the effort to try to get it right this time.

I will not linger.
on the pain or ambiguity.
part of the awakening / is the awareness /
that everything works out as it should.
there’s nothing I can do
there’s nothing you can do
there’s nothing anyone can do
to keep me from what’s mine and
anything ‘lost’ in the middle is merely practice
to lay my own impatience to rest.
“as I think, so I shall be.”
so I let go, consciously
knowing that I will be okay with the energy of the cosmos leading the way.

I will not be afraid.
I used to believe that fear was a super power capable enough of making me
smarter, sharper, faster,
but I clung to that too much
holding onto that belief until fear crippled me.
// I’m not doing that anymore //
living with fear at the forefront
has made me lose more than its ever made me gain.

last night, I drove to pahrump
alone at midnight.
it was pitch black out
nothing but mountains for miles and a thousands threats of danger lined both sides of the roadway.
But I kept driving
I kept going
and I prevailed by repeating that “I am not afraid”
// A new mantra when I start to lose my way. //

I will not doubt myself.
my sacral authority has been strengthened by
18,976 minutes of meditations.
my intuition is more than capable
of interpreting the signs
the numbers
and the meaning
of everything around me.
This is the power of woman
and all I need to do is listen.

I will not define myself by insanity.
I will not repeat the same patterns
and the same behaviors in hopes
of different outcomes.
there is an ebb and flow to everything / the yin and the yang /
perfect pairs that present truths
that I keep persuading myself as wrong.

“Maybe if I try harder, this time it’ll be different”.
“Maybe this time, they do just need space”
Maybe this. Maybe that.
But maybe not.

These are not chances that I am willing to take as I gamble my life away.

I will not stay silent.
I will not say yes when I mean no
I will not sit by and watch atrocities unfold
when I have a voice.
My boundaries
My emotions
My thoughts
My peace
are all inherently valid and will not be ignored.

This year
I don’t have resolutions
and I have no clue what I’m doing
but instead I have this simple equation
where I subtracting the distractions
add in new wisdom
multiply the joy
and diving the things I love
to find the real value.
to find the real me
the who already has everything
she needs because she understands her power
and know it lives inside her.

and I hope you can connect to that, too.

happy new year.

tomorrow marks 2 years since you left
breaking the entirety of my being in ways I didn’t know were possible.

but, I’m not sad anymore.

I can finally say your name without trembling
and my heart doesn’t skip a beat anymore when I think about you.
Don’t take this wrong and think that I don’t still love you
because I do,
I always will
and nothing can change that.

because e.,
in the years since our eclipse,
no one has ever come close to
making me feel
as loved and accepted as you.
not even myself.

you changed me
and I am sincerely better for it.
the eternal gift of your love and for this I will always be grateful.

self-ideation was a just a concept and
I had no idea who I was before you
showed me what it felt like to be
recieved with intention.

I will never forget your smile
the first night we met
or how gently we kissed in front of Rebar
listening to my favorite band on repeat.
(“one more hour” was always my favorite track, but now it’s even more special because of you.)

I never got the chance to tell you but e.,
you quite literally launched me into this new life as a poet
and propelled my devotion to spirituality.
that one rose quartz caused it all and now I have more crystals than I can even count
every time I get a new one, I think of you
and I’ve finally stopped favoring ones that are blue.
I’ve most recently started gravitating to purples and pinks.
a symbolic representation of my journey of trying to fall in love after you.

I’ve had to learn the hard way that no one will ever love me like you did
and I’m not saying that out of pity or remorse at all.
It just makes what we shared all the better because you are the blueprint
You made falling in love feel like a dream.
You are the reason I know to never settle
and know what it means to reach perfection because you saw it in me
and nurtured it even when you knew you’d have to leave.

That used to make me sad but I understand why now.

Without your influence, I would be doing so much worse.
I definitely would have settled
and probably gotten stuck with a baby
co-created by someone not even worthy of my energy.
(SINCERELY…THANK YOU!!!!)

I’ve written so much about you and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
A part of me will always miss you
but I know that we weren’t meant to be
A forbidden love
with a man lost at sea.
My literal sailor and hero
in the U.S Marines

Thank you for gracing me with your presence.
Thank you for seeing what I didn’t know existed inside of me.
Thank you for teaching me that feeling and connection are not something to fear.
Thank you for showing me the importance of surrendering to the universe,
to trust the process and just flow.
Thank you for making me a poet
and forcing me to grow and
receive new love in ways
I never even dreamed

You really did change me e.
and for that, I will always be grateful.
I don’t know if you’ll ever see this,
but that won’t stop me from giving flowers when they are due and my one regret is not being able to give you that while you were still here.
So e.
if this does ever find you,
all I really wanna say is
thank you <3

I want to know if you regret this
Are you awake right now
losing sleep over the pain too
or is it just me
rolling around restless at night
trying to figure out how the fuck
it came down to this?

I want to know if my face haunts you.
My docile doe-like eyes and soft curves
contorting into a demon whose memory
is smeared all over the walls of your face.
You can remove me materially,
but my energy will linger
and you will have to sit with it
knowing what you did
knowing who you lost
and all that you chose to throw away
because running is easier
than taking accountability.
responsibility does not come from the way one handles business and finance,
but from the way one works though conflict and treats other people.

Are you proud of what you did?

Because despite it all,
I was still ready
to stay in your life
and help build you back up again.
Bedtime remedies to help you sleep
Calls during the middle of my work day to keep you calm while the weight of the world burned down on yours.
A submissive princess ready to take all your worries and transmute it into something beautiful anytime you called my name.

All I wanted was respect

for all the love I gave.
I was building something beautiful while you were slowly looking for the chance to tear it all down.
I’ve learned the hard way that unrequited love is never worth it
but for the life of me,
I’m tired of always feeling so damn disrespected each time I carve out a space in my life for somebody’s son to come sit for a while before they no longer see me as a human deserving any bit of common decency.

I don’t want your compliments.
I don’t want your money.
I don’t want your love.
I don’t want attention.
I want you to respect me enough to either
leave me the fuck alone to begin with
or to stay and figure it out.

Yes I am angelic,
Yes my energy overflows and could stand the leakage.
Yes, I will be okay.
But please,
respect that I am still human
and am worth the wait.

I wonder how old I have to be before
people stop seeing my body
before they see me?

all life long
little black girls are sexualized
before they can even form a concept of the self.

12 year old me
standing in line at Smart & Final with my grandma
wearing my favorite romper
adorned with vibrant yellow sunflowers
and a conservative white shall.

That was the first time I got t h e stare
The licking of lips
and flirtatiously raised eyebrow from
the mid 50-something year old cashier
who kept a straight face until my grandmother looked away.
His glare of desire will always be engraved in psyche.
I didn’t know pedophiles existed
until I looked one in the face.

We can’t help that we bloom early
Blossom early into our womanhood
even when we are still kids.

What has to give before my DDD’s
stop entering the room before I do?
Before the melanin in my skins stops
telling my story before I even have the chance to speak?
Also….
what else has to be said before men
can comprehend that comparing my skin and my body to chocolate
and to meat is NOT a complete.
It’s dehumanizing.
Just. fucking. stop.

Ethnic women do not exist for the male gaze
or to be the starting point for your think pieces on feminism.
We are more than our bodies
and more than our skin tone.
We are the spirit
We are light
We ARE the blueprint
and the curator of most things
that you know and love.
Put some respect on our names
and treat us as such.