As your mom, I birthed you
And held you in my arms,
I cuddled you as I tried
Shielding you from harm.
Though many years I have missed
Wishing I could go back,
Even though I did not see you
My love for you did not lack.
A few years ago, when I met you
Was the best day of my life,
That filled a missing piece as
My life started to feel right.
The day of your accident
We never left your side
Through the tears and prayers
We were hoping you were all right.
The day we had to say goodbye
Definitely shattered us all,
When I got home to the kids
All I could do was fall.
It’s not the same without you
For this is extremely hard for me,
I did not get enough time
Before you had to leave.

I stayed in bed
until I reached
the outskirts of morning.

The birds gave pep talks
instead of songs.

I got changed
and found ten dollars
in my pocket.

It’s summer but it rained
and I wonder why nobody
has made laundry powder
that smells exactly like this.

I make the perfect eggs.

The toaster
that loves to burns the edges
leaves them edible.
I thank it for its kindness.

I go outside and jump in a puddle.
There is still that childhood dream
that it will be a portal
to an alternative dimension.
One where Netflix didn’t cancel the OA.
One where we could trade
our sadness for money.
Gosh, would I be filthy rich.

Me and the neighbour
do our awkward dance.
The small talk jive.
We bow and say
‘have a nice day!’
We really mean it.

I walk to the coffee shop
and the sky is still
rubbing sleep from its eyes.

The wind is playing solos
on telephone wires.

I hold the door for a stranger
and we share a smile.

I tell the barista a joke
and we both laugh
at how unfunny it is.

I take the ten dollars
and order a flat white, one sugar.
I say keep the change.

I find a bench, and I ruminate.

I realise
Happiness is right here –
why are we crying
like it is so far away?

what’s my idea of a perfect day? Well, that’s easy. I’m kind of more of a simple girl these days, now that I’m older. Actually, come to think of it, I never had the chance to really sit and think of what a perfect day would mean/look like for me from start to finish. Wow. I guess there really is a first time for everything……so here we go.
My Perfect &Peaceful Day.

As soon as I open my eyes. First thing I would do to get my day started, I will first start with prayer of the morning. Thanking our creator for another day, is always a must do to reinsure a great start to a great day. I follow prayer with meditation routine. That for me includes, deep breaths while sitting in silence, journaling, reading, anything to help prepare me for the day. This centers my mind so that it’s easier for me to be able to go out into the world and be able to deal with those around me.
After maybe an hour or two, make me a nice snack or breakfast. Which usually ends up being just a healthy quick snack because I don’t really like breakfast. Then, I do what I like to call “self-care repair” routine. It’s when I either take a nice bubble bath or a nice shower with my favorite candles, music, book. More time to relax and enjoy my own company before heading out for the day. After bathing/showering, I have a face-wash/skin routine as well. Then after that I put on my cloths and head out. If I’m not heading out then I would either read, write a bit beacuse I love writting (if you can’t already tell lol), listen to music and maybe watch movies for the remainder of the day.
But if it’s one of those days where I want to get some fresh air, I can always count on one of my favorite places….downtown at the lakefront or beach. Basically, anywhere with big body of water. I love water. A nice walk on a trail is always a great way to get fresh air and become one with nature too.
But it’s just something about being near water, in water or just even being around water that sooths me. Calms me, gives me clarity, gives me peace and I love it. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Sometimes while sitting near the lake, I read, or just sit and think, sometimes I may even cry every once in awhile. But whenever I’m done, something about it always gets my creative juices flowing and song lyrics start coming to mind or idea to do a certain project may come to mind. So, nature and I work very well with one another. I stop to appreciate her (nature) , and she does what she does…..inspire.

Afterwards, I would go home, get started on those ideas and plans rigth away and start working towards accomplishing them. I always end my day with more mediation and prayer, being thankful for what that day has given me in prepration for a better tomorrow. Then, take another bubble bath/hot shower, more self-care repair and relaxation to finish off the day before a night of great sleep.

I know, may seem pretty boring to some, and that’s okay. See, what I learned as I got older, the more I value peace of mind and a peace of quite. Expecially in today’s world where peace seems hard to come by. So, you sometimes have to create your own peace. Prayer, Meditation, Fresh-Air, Nature and A Postive Mind-set all brings forth peace and creativity. And all of these things are 100% free.

Dear Unsealers…
I can’t tell you enough of how important it is to remain motivated and focused on your dreams, passions and the love of whatever gifts you may have. Never give up on them, no matter what. Let me tell you about my most recent lesson about not giving up.
So, I have always loved to sing, I found out really early on like age 5 that I not only really loved music, but that I also have a nice voice as well. My mother knew of this but, to her it was more just something that I would do around the house but it was soo much more than just that. I really have a passion and love for music, how it sounds,how it make you feel, how it makes others feel. The enjoyment of hearing/seeing someone else who have the same love and passion for it as you do, seeing them express themselves using their experiences by creating art. Thats what music is to me. It’s art. It is apart of me, but my mom just wanted me to focus on school, which I did but still felt like something was missing. But what??
So, as the years went by, I kind of subpressed my love for music to focus on school for awhile. I never really sang at church because eventhough my love for music was there, so was the fear of singing in front of others.
Unltil around my middle school years. Preteen years. I had been blessed to have found other girls like myself that also loved to sing at school. We were all in the same class and for me, it was a releif to finally find people who love music just as much as I do. We had decided to form an all girl group. There were 4 of us, 3 singers and we 1 female rapper . Our group was called GWA (girls with attitude) crazy right lol. We would all hang out singing all the time in the classroom, and always did mini concerts at lunch which was cool, because eveyone would gather around us and it also really helped me to get over fear of public speaking/singing. We all even joined the school choir together. But still, I wanted more.I though ,okay now may be that time try. But when I would try to get us to be more serious about our muisc, no one really cared but me. I wasnt trying to become famous but I did want to do more with my musical talent because it’s more than just a hobby it’s something I’m passionate about.
After no one wanting to take their music seriously, of course we all went our seprate ways, but we also all ended up going to different high-schools and lives too. Which is where I met my music muse. My now late husband. He not only loved music just as much as I did, but he knew how to do engineering side as well and he even taught me a few things. My husband was very hands-on when it came to music, which was one of the things that I loved most about him. But, when it came to me and my music and not having support that I needed, I gave up breifley. I guess the real reason why I stopped working on my craft/music after the group broke up was because to me it was like another let down. Which felt like another failure. Not being able to understand what exactly am I supposed to do with this gift and passion if the things I’m trying aren’t getting me anywhere.
But throughout our 15years together, my husband of course pushed me to challenge myself and help me to see that I shouldn’t give up something that makes me who I am. My huband was a rapper as well, so he had his way with words and putting them together. I did too, but my lane was just singing, so I thought. One day he challeged me to see if I can do it, (rap) and lets just say I have been rapping and singing ever since lol. I had no idea that I could, wasn’t event thinking to do it, but my husband help me challenge myself and not limit myself expecially when it comes to my musical gifts. My husband and I even made music together, which I’m so grateful that we did because no
matter what, I will always have the music we made together and the love of music that we always shared together.
After his passing 4 years ago, it was really hard on me. So hard that once again, I had almost given up, but not just on music on everything. I did fall into a deep depression because, to me, I lost my muse, my inspiration, the person who help me see so much within myself that I had no idea was there, my soulmate. For awhile it was extremely hard for me to keep going not only with my music but in life.
But after much prayer, fasting, soul searching and alot of self-love and self-care, I have found my way back to my first love……music. I am now writting, recording, and making video content for my music. I even perform my music every week at certain events for local artists. I had to remember first of who our creator is, and knowing that everything he does is for a reason. It’s up to us on finding out what it is, and what we choose to do with it. I believe that The Most High brought my husband and I together for many reasons. One being to help me do what I was trying to do all along…..find what was missing. Which was not only to support me and my passion, but to help give me that little push that I needed to know how and when to use it. My husband and I made music that not only was relative, but uplifting and powerful, so I made a promise to keep that going, to use my voice for the greater good and to help bring forth change whithin our communities.That’s how I keep his memory alive, and that’s why I call him my Music Muse.
So, to all my fellow kings and queens, I know life may get you down sometimes and that’s okay, but what’s not okay is you staying down. No matter what dreams you have, whatever your passion is, go for it. Never give up. We were all blessed with all kinds of talent, wisdom, understanding, we shoud all use them to make the world a better place. I am not looking for fame from my music, I do it because I love music, it’s who I am, and I want to share not only my talent and my story, but I also want to create change with my music. I owe it all to my husband. So, thank you husband, I love and miss you dearly……………My Music Muse

You broke me into pieces you made yourself the victim and told everyone I broke your heart but in reality it was the other way around. You used me to heal yourself for a year you were obsessed with your ex and I let it slide how stupid of me, right I will never think twice to do that again with anyone anymore, you hurt me to make yourself feel bigger and better but in reality you’re just much of a loser. You broke me into pieces you made me cry for days and nights but I still loved you, you lied to me constantly made me overthink about everything for your fun. I thought it was all love but I was blind you manipulated me into thinking you loved me but in reality you loved yourself, you were self obsessed, self harmed you weren’t a good person. You broke me into pieces you made me feel small even though I already had felt that way in life but you made it worse, you never cared about my feelings or thoughts it was always about you I made myself about you and your life but what I should have done was walk away and restore the girl you broke into pieces. I fought for you, supported you even though you didn’t deserve it everyone told me to walk away he will never change but I didn’t believe them I still stayed and thought to myself he will change but I should have listened and walked away. You broke me into pieces it wasn’t love for those past years it was a lesson, a lesson on what a person is really like in the beginning until the end and you sir showed me your true colors and proud to say you aren’t a good person, you used and threw out people like toys you threw me out most of all, you gave me the silent treatment as an act of punishment as if you were the victim and I was the bad person well now I know who was the true victim and it wasn’t me or you it was our relationship throughout the years action, camera, words were all apart of victimize act but me I am survivor from your emotional, verbal abuse. you can change now for the better fake it until you break and you can be with millions of people but I know you will forever feel lonely inside that’s what you are a lonely, miserable person, and you will forever think about what you did wrong and think about the things you couldn’t do right, you broke me into pieces but now I am restoring the girl you broke, the mindset you tarnished for your own game, the fear she has about you coming back and ruining her again, punishing her for your own play she has that fear but not for long because she knows better, she knows her worth bigger and brighter and not you or nor anyone can let her down. You broke me into pieces but you were also a lesson that had to be taught in order for her to restore herself again.

I would say family over everything but that would be untrue. Fights breaking out all the time, Mom threatening to leave everyday, Dad keeping secrets and lies beyond his grasp and a brother who I thought I’d have a good relationship with but, unfortunately never did for the last 12 years. No contact, no support from him in the same house no asking, ”hi sis how you doing?”
Being without love or support from my parents was hard for me. Growing up in a Muslim household in a Muslim community where I had to live up through the expectations of my parents was difficult and because I’m a girl, it was that much harder. For my brother, however, it was the complete opposite. He is expected to be the heir of the household someday after my father, but after years passed, my brother drifted away from my parents little by little. I remember major fights would happen between my father and brother things breaking, physical altercations, my mom holding my brother and my dad back from each other, and I was always in the middle crying.
Their constant fighting stressed me out to the point where I had to worry about panic attacks and seizures. My mom saw my mental state and quickly started to calm me down doing my usual breathing techniques. It worked surprisingly. My brother and dad saw what had happened to me and stopped fighting. Then after sometime, my brother left and decided to stay over his friends place for a while and dad just stood quiet most days (except when arguments were going on of course).
With my mother, that took a different turn and since my brother wasn’t here I had to take on the responsibility for the household. I had to be the son and daughter all in one. I had to be the crazy glue to put everything in place again after another fight broke out with my parents, it was exhausting at times but you get used to the numb feeling of sadness and depression. I always hid behind a wall: the wall of depression. I never expressed it or came face to face with it. I always hid behind it for the last twenty two years of my life. But after a causal conversation with a coworker of mine, he asked me, “I always see you around never smiling, you always have a depressed look are you ok?” I answered, “oh no I’m not depressed I’m just tired because I have to take care of my family all the time.”
After that little encounter, I was on my way home and sitting there thinking about what my coworker said. I started tearing up and after that, I realized maybe my coworker was right. I am depressed and I’ve been depressed for last twenty two years. I needed help. After getting home, my parents had another fight over the same topics: property, money, or even siblings who they never speak to anymore. It was ridiculous, but I knew the more I got in the middle, the more I started to resent them, and live in my own world at home.
I started smoking to ease my anxiety, but that wasn’t much help either, after months and months of fighting my brother who had left told my parents he had gotten an apartment and is leaving permanently I was distraught because I knew if my brother left, I would be the one dealing with everything here by myself more on my plate, after my brother leaving, things had gotten worse than before. My parents and brother would argue non stop, my brother would do selfish things to hurt my parents, but since he’s far away my parents would say the same excuse, “he’s not with us anymore, he’s our son we still love him regardless of what he does.”
That took a turn in my head because if I were to do something small that never pleased my parents, I’d be the bad daughter, the daughter who would apparently bring dishonor to the family even though when my mom would cry herself to sleep because of my brother, I’d wipe her tears and say “everything will be okay, youre a warrior,” but I guess that wasn’t enough, because my parents would always put my brother on pedestal on everything did or said.
After many encounters, I decided that to better myself and my mental health, I have to remove myself from the life my parents expected me to live, and live my own life. I’ve lived up to the expectations of a Muslim girl for so long. The girl who couldn’t even wear clothes that showed the littlest bit of skin…who couldn’t drink or get tattoos or can’t stay past 8:00 p.m. with friends. I had to get straight A’s in school or I’d be a failure in life, I would have to become a doctor, lawyer, or engineer because being a writer wouldn’t get me anywhere they would say, but my brother, being a boy and having “the right genitals in between his legs” could do whatever he wanted when he wanted with whomever he wanted.
I lived up my parents side of their dream for so long I couldn’t get the chance to experience my own desires and dreams until now. The reputation, double standards, the repressed sexuality that runs through the Islam community has many people, especially kids, put down in shame because they want to be on their own person and not the person their parents want them to be. After so many times of trying to be the daughter my parents wanted, I gave up and started to live for myself and not for anybody else. There is a saying I always tell myself when I’m in the predicament of being let down: that is, “I pay my own bills, I make myself look, feel, do better, I wipe my own tears and make myself laugh and at the end I’ll do whatever right for me”, that’s the quote I started to live by after many times, trying to fix my broken home , but that’s impossible with my family. Though, I’m alright with that, because as long as I have myself at the end of the day, and I realize the importance of prioritizing my own journey in life, all the rainy days I had to deal with with eventually lead to the sunlight I’ve always knew I deserved.

It’s a perfect day, let’s go slay.
Waking up feels great, my body’s not in pain. My brain no longer insane, I’m tame.
I put my doc’s on and stroll out the door on this beautiful 80 degree day.
My gosh the beauty I see before me,
neighbors smiling and I am stylin’
Jeeps workin’ just fine wow that just blew my mind
I feel like I’m in a Muppet movie surrounded by singing
And dancing I feel fantastic not a bit sarcastic
nope…. no work today! Just me, myself, and I

People come & go that much I know
If I take off these rose colored glasses
Does the love around turn to grey
How does one know how love is really portrayed?
Is it chocolates or roses in a bouquet?

I wake up & wonder will I ever find my true love? Find the one?
All this love pent up inside me
If I were to grant it away
what could we become?

Taken into account my every flaw mistake & dream
I am the only one who decides where my love is given
& I choose the life in which I am living
Not only that, but who can say I’m not enough
If I, myself, have prevailed through times that are tough
Who better by my side
Who better to stand tall
Who better to proclaim all the traits to see for all
Who better understands my feelings
Who better than I?
A desire to live a life fulfilled
To allow myself the love while everyone else kneels
In a non supreme way
It’s my self-love placed on a pedestal everyday
A tad egotistical, possibly
Uh, conceited? respectfully
My worth of self & merited love is synonymous
I wanna heal my heart
I wanna follow through
No more broken promises

My body is my vessel
Kept safe for me to nestle
Once, twice put in danger
I’m the only one who can make me feel safer

A declaration of solitude & independence
for only a man can stand by me
with leadership & competence
for my heart & body recognize I’m safe in this instance
To entrust in you is no small feat
It is a privilege to see me &
Have access to my energy
The love you give me has the ability to resonate so clearly

I desire not to fit your idea of perfection
View me as an empress to be in selection
May you only approach with chivalry
Then I’m happy to oblige
But certainly do not consider me your prize
When it comes to my ego, let that be its’ demise
I’m presented as a Lady
To address me as anything but is not a reflection of how I’m behaving

If all these men are blind, I’ll reminisce back to my childhood & rewind
If they taint my perception of love, my own fairytale stays aligned

They say law of attraction
But I have concern, even hesitation
Can this really come true
With a snap of a finger
With a wave of a magic wand
Where in the universe
Will these affirmations belong
Lo & behold the universe is inside me
If what I desire is to manifest
I have to release control
& let this ego burn a slow death

Is it my frizzy hair
Or my unsmooth skin
All admirable yet vain
It’s my true love within
Pampering, luxury, & care are all high in demand
Please, universe, bless me if I were look to for a man

I like the way
You get gripped
In the palms of a man
Ravenous in his pursuit
To hold everything
From my neck
To my hips.
He takes his time
With you
Because he knows you
To be special
To be precious and beautiful

I’m sorry
I had to see your beauty
Through someone else’s eyes.
So now,
I write this poem with pride
Waving my pen like it’s
A flag for my flawes.

So let this serve
As a love letter
To my love handles
A memento
To my muffin top
A song for my stretchmarks
A poem for my pudge
Feels for my fupa
Cuz I ain’t missin no meals

Let this serve
As an apology
To some of the best parts
Of my body.
I was told to shame you.
Taught to be embarrassed
By you.
I’ve tried to chase you away
Dance you away
Bike you away
But you’re persistence
Perseveres –
And inspires me.
If you can hold on
Where you’re told you don’t belong,
Where might I learn to rise
Despite resistance?

So thank you.
Thank you for
Inspiring.
Thank you for
Stretching.
Thank you for
Protecting.
Thank you for
Making outfits
Someone else said
You would ruin.
Thank you for
Being there for lovers.
Thank you for
Being there for me.

Hello, my name is Ash Raymond James.
Count the rings around my eyes;
they will tell you I’m infinite.
Thirty-three but endless.

I am six feet tall,
but I have sixty-foot confidence.

I am not capable of being embarrassed,
but have you seen the way I dance?
I look like I’m on fire
and I probably should be ashamed
but I often end up setting the night ablaze
because I have the sort of joy
that is contagious.

My favourite song is my own laughter.
I laugh at my own jokes until it rains.
The sky has a secret addiction
to dad jokes and other people’s happiness.

It cries out of pure elation.
Finds it insulting when people
don’t throw down in its puddles
so I shimmy a little
and I don’t care who’s watching.

I am the sort of person
who could accidentally start a flash mob.

People have the audacity
to tell me I have no rhythm
but I move to a melody
only a few can comprehend.
I think I am a little ahead of my time.
There is a chance I am from the future
or I could have just watched too many sci-fi movies.

It’s been said that my head is in the clouds
but I am actually wiping stardust
from my moustache, often
as I have always believed
if you aren’t going to pay attention
you may as well discover planets.

It took some work, but I finally understand self-gentleness.
My heart makes my mind breakfast in bed,
and my mind sings lullabies to my heart
whenever it can’t sleep and throws itself around my chest.

I learnt the secret to breathing
is realising you deserve every breath
and now I swim with the fishes
in my spare time.

The kindest thing I ever did was love myself;
the bravest thing I am ever going to do
is never stop
even when my every atom
is trying to convince me I should.

I’ve got bruises,
ones you can’t see.

Cuz I’ve buried them deep within me
that is …until recently
when my body reminded me
in the form of PTSD
and it made me think
about all the things
that go unseen.

All the invisible scars.
All the activists behind bars
for trying to put out fires
Because the world is burning
and full of natural disasters
but what’s natural about
the system putting out fires
with gasoline?

Meanwhile I’m putting out fires in The Bronx
because the buildings never stopped burning.

Where I’m from, our lives never stop filling our lungs with smoke.

Tragedy after tragedy
and change is slow,
so it feels like none of us got any room to grow.

No room to breathe deep, or to debrief
all them silent battles and kids dying in these streets.

New York is home to a lot of things.
People who live and die by the fire.

so I know that’s why
I’ve got bruises.

Ones you can’t see.
I’ve buried them deep within me
that is … until recently.

Now, I’m on a mission to heal my bloodline.
Finding a home wherever there’s sunshine.

Sun kisses
and hopeful wishes.

Never had unconditional love,
and yet, it’s still something
my inner child misses.

But I’ve always had the love of the earth surrounding me.
Grounding me.
And through the pain, I found something profound in me.

The womb of the earth
took me in and rebirthed me as a Phoenix.

So even when the world is on fire,
I easily find something to love.
Something I adore enough to fight for.

I no longer look for love
outside of myself anymore.

These days,
I don’t just fall for anything
because me and my body
really been through everything.

Rebirth after rebirth.

Phoenix Ríszing.

To me,
the earth is just another
Phoenix rising
and that’s exactly why
she’s worth protecting.

Hey little girl, never thought I’d meet you.

There I was living life, forgetting all about you.

No wonder why I screamed and yelled with frustration.

I hated everything, including me, Gods creation.

While you lived inside me…I neglected and abuse you.

Remember when I had no boundaries and let people use you?

We were a mess inside dark and distasteful but on the outside our smile was pleasant and graceful.

I Remember the first time we met, I chose to reach down inside me.

I was forced to learn you, searching..wondering where you might be.

There you were standing…shaking…hurt and afraid.

Sorry I didn’t come sooner to heal you from the raid.

Hey full woman,

No apologies need to me said, you forgot about me, but you didn’t leave me for dead.

Look at us now I just love who we are.

We stand tall and proud and our confidence has grown by far.

You’re so strong and resilient and I love that about you.

No longer are afraid of all the things we have been through.

Look at you, you go girl! No more body shaming, natural hair full of curls.

No longer are you silent, you speak like you can conquer the world.

And thanks for the self motivation,

Thank you for the positive affirmation,

All the wisdom and knowledge, you’ve build that with patience.

That got us a long way, although everyday isn’t a good day.

But that’s why I love you so much because you don’t live for the day, another day another play, like you would always say.

You took joy in tomorrow.

you taught us to get back up and go get it, like the virtuous women in the Bible.

Thank you for taking me from the world and creating our own.

Here? it is comfortable. I could live here all day long.

I can go on and on with why I love you.

The love is strong

The love has grown

The love lives on

…..I love you

In 2024, I am believing in myself more—
feeling better than before,
with steady faith to stay the course.

Keeping commitments—despite conditions
—to what I truly care about;
keeping clarity of focus on the vision,
leaving no room for doubt.

I am stabilizing my foundation,
standing firm in what I know to be true.
I am focused on full self adoration—
to see myself the way my loved ones do.

I am acknowledging and appreciating
all of my accomplishments,
as I paint the path—concentrating,
maintaining my confidence.

I can promise me, from this point on,
whatever I do, I will do it purposely.
When I feel low, I’ll sing self love songs
with relief, and remember the worth in me…

because, in 2024, I am leaning toward
feeling better than before—
moving forever forward.

So there I was, sitting on a twin-size air mattress on my cousin’s bedroom floor in the Bronx–jobless, depressed, and suicidal. It was at that moment that I realized that I was the only person that could save me, so I had to become a Phoenix. I had to spread my wings to fly or I was sure to die. I’ve been told my entire life, “You’re so strong. You’re built for this. You’re the strongest person I know” but nobody knows the violence it took to become this gentle.

A little over a year ago, I had an ego death. After months of suicidal thoughts and PTSD flashbacks from my childhood, I mourned, grieved, and rejoiced all within a day. Suddenly, I realized it was destined that way–that I was destined for death and rebirths so I changed my name to Phoenix Ríszing. I had to die in order not to die. I had to die in order to become new. I had to let go of the version of myself who was trapped in suffering–allowing myself to grieve various versions of me that no longer served the woman I was becoming.

I spent the majority of my early-mid 20s using drugs and sex to repress my childhood trauma; trauma I didn’t even remember having, that was, until I experienced my first PTSD flashback over a year ago. It was a panic attack and bodily flashback episode that brought me back to that 7 or 8 year old little girl who was once molested. That flashback showed me the reality of being a trauma survivor and how easy it is to bury traumatic memories deep within as a way to protect ourselves. Even if we have no recollection of repressing these memories–which I did not. It’s no wonder, as an adult, that I attracted a partner who would trigger and mirror my childhood trauma so intensely until it forced me to acknowledge how my childhood trauma led me into a TRAUMA BOND with a toxic partner. The trauma bond eventually led to a new sexual trauma–one that had come to me in a dream as a warning, yet quickly became a premonition and unfolding of my worst nightmare. My ancestors and my higher self had no choice but to step in considering that I was running down a road that almost cost me my sanity. I spent all of 2023 processing and recovery from past trauma, but in 2024, I will spend my year LIVING. Loving myself unconditionally and unapologetically. In 2024, I am honoring my needs without guilt. In 2024, I am raising my standards and the price of access to me. I will no longer be offering my body to others in exchange for “love” or validation. In 2024, I will forgive myself for all the things I convinced myself I needed to do in order to survive. In 2024, I will collect memories that remind me why it’s a gift to still be alive. I will sit with my inner child and remind her that she is loved, seen, and protected in ways she wasn’t all those years ago. We will hold hands and pick flowers, blow bubbles, and daydream about the future that has never looked brighter for us. For the first time in my life, I will choose ME. I’ll choose us.

My journey has not been gentle with me and because of this I’ve been forced to address ancestral pain and trauma. It has taken immense courage to sit with this. From an early age, I knew there was heavy darkness in my bloodline but as an adult, I’ve been able to break the curse by choosing healing. In 2023, I was called by my ancestors to heal and protect my bloodline through embarking on this healing journey of healing generational trauma. I had to die and rebirth myself several times. It feels strange to say, but I am thankful for my traumas and my demons. Not because they’ve given me ANY grace, but for volunteering to teach me just how resilient I am. Truth is, I thought I could outrun my trauma until one day it finally tapped me on the shoulder. Now, my trauma and I are becoming one–like lovers in a tub of roses. I now throw roses into the abyss as a way to thank the monsters who didn’t succeed in swallowing me alive. This is my offering to my monsters and the version of me that I let die with them. In 2024, I will look in the mirror and tell myself “I’m proud of you. Thank you for existing” In 2024, I will love myself more because if I don’t who will?

A proposition to my future self:
I will hold myself both accountable and protected
I will stand firm in the earth, barefoot when possible
I will copy song in birds and tend to any garden
I will hold conversation with the neighborhood cat and slow down to watch the sunrise
the sunset
I will speed up to meet the stars and run wild to the horses
I will see myself in everything
I will love myself in everything
And I know I will keep burning in everything
but
that is something I will finally accept