My childhood had exceptional ups and crummy downs. I also wasn’t the most well-mannered daughter. My mom always did the best that she could with what she had. Those are some of my best memories. Working 3 jobs and I was helping her with one. I could’ve done better, but I learned my lesson. I understand now that is how life is. One thing I also know now that I didn’t know then was that parents understand you. They know what they are talking about when they are having an important conversation with you, so make sure you listen. It’s for a reason and it doesn’t make sense at the moment. It makes little sense until later, when you least expect it.Ever since I can remember, we mainly lived in apartments and my mom was usually the on-site manager. It was always small communities, but it was home. I always enjoyed helping my mom and I would see my mom and how she was with the residents. At 16, she started having me help with a few tasks like answering calls, setting up showings, collecting rent and writing out the receipt. I hoped to be outside playing with my friends. Whenever my mom would ask me to help her, I would make faces. I was thinking my mom wouldn’t see. I just found out a few weeks ago that she knew all along. We can laugh about it now   It is something that I feel she was pushing on to me and was looking for other options to do after I finished school. I did one fast food job, which wasn’t for me. I had one retail job which also wasn’t for me. Since I had helped by mom, I had some experience in office work, so I got one job in property management. I was the leasing agent and who would’ve known that I would be so good at it? I stayed there for almost a little over 2 years.I moved and did retail pharmacy for 6 years; I did because I had to, not because I wanted to. The only bright side is I would see my coworkers. Property management was still a topic I would like to discuss. I’d offer advice to the customers when they’d mention something about the apartment they were living in. I quit my retail pharmacy job and didn’t know where I was going to next. It seems like no matter what I did, my heart was always with property management. I prayed and believed that if property management was truly my calling, an opportunity would present itself, considering my 10 years of experience.  I got hired by a temp agency telling them I wanted to try this again. Since it was a while, I preferred to go the temp route. I went to one position and I remember how excited I was to be there. That specific situation did not feel right, so I called the agency and they switched me right away. Speaking up instead of remaining silent was a moral decision, and I’m glad I made it. Because I respectfully advocated for myself, I accepted a temporary position with another company. I love to help and learn as much as I can, so I was excited to be a temp with this company. I have a tendency to ask what feels like a thousand questions. The people I would talk to were so helpful, understanding that I had limitations in my ability to help. I had to keep learning and continue to wait for an opportunity to show mainly myself that I can do it. The opportunity to prove myself showed up, and I showed out. It felt amazing to know I was on the right track. I got hired by the company. I worked for the company and gave it my all so much that my 1 year review was proof that I sure can do this and I succeeded. There was another opportunity that appeared and it was a company that I had worked for about 10 years ago. I love how life comes full circle. I didn’t have the experience back then that I did now.I ended up getting a job as an on-site manager. Once I was moving in, I called my mom. I told her thank you for showing me at the age that she did and for believing in me. I apologized for my behavior from when I was younger. It seems like my mom knew what she was talking about. She had seen something in me I didn’t and it took me time to believe that I can do it. I am so proud of myself for not giving up and believing in myself and being able to be a part of a community, just as I always have been. Home is where the heart is and for me, that’s being a part of a community. I am proud of myself for not giving up. It took sometime to believe in myself like my mom believed in me. I’d always remind myself that nothing worth having comes easy. If it was easy, then everyone would do it. That’s why it feels so great when you achieve it. Only you know how much you worked for that. No one sees your struggles behind closed doors and those are the toughest battles, but it’s ok you can do this because you deserve it.

To kids that’s struggles in school,

I was always that kid that stood out, the one that was just different from the other kids. I was either too energetic or too down. My hair was usually not brushed or taken care of, and my clothes were usually too small. Watching as all my classmates would get good grades and understand the lessons being taught, it began to affect me emotionally. I sat there feeling defeated every test, every report card, every honor roll ceremony. I gave my all to my work and just could not get it. I felt dumb and hopeless, and I gave up by about 7th grade.

As I walked through adulthood, I realized I was good at working. I have great leadership skills, and I can pick up pretty much anything that I learn quickly. A completely different me, I thrived (survived one might say) in adulthood. For about 10 years, I was a single parent to children who began to walk through the same educational difficulties as me.

I was sitting in a room with my oldest daughter, 7 at the time, doing homework when she screamed, “I’m so stupid!” her face resembled a tomato on a rainy day. This was just the beginning of my journey to advocating for my kids. Shortly there after, my daughter received an IEP, Independent Educational Plan. Within one quarter, she did a 360 with her grades. She was comprehending everything!

My oldest daughter is now in 9th grade, an honor roll student since 3rd grade, in an engineering program that will allow her to get an Associates in Engineering and her high school diploma simultaneously. She is projected to be the first college graduate on both my side and her dad’s side.

Along this journey of advocacy and educational equality, I’ve had to be my own teacher. I had to learn to be the student in order to understand the journey my children were on. My family and I faced so many barriers on this journey, each one becoming a necessary lesson to learn with very valuable knowledge. Today, I am on my 2nd IEP journey with my youngest daughter, and it is extremely empowering.

I’m able to offer so much to my children that I didn’t have access to. I’m grateful I get to show them my successes while watching them grow into these beautiful and brave human beings. Have faith and give yourself grace, but most of all, don’t give up! You can change where you’re at as long as you believe in you!

Yours truly,
Fellow Generational Curses Breaker

Give up, never!
The challenges of life give greater
Satisfaction when struggling to overcome them.

Give up, never!
Through war planes, attacker
On our land, as my partner is an army officer.

Give up, never!
Through financial strains, being a mother,
Teacher, student, niece, aunt, cousin, daughter…
With duties and love to give as worries grow stronger.

Give up, never!
Going through bowl obstruction surgeries, recover
From that alone is like moving through quick sand, a surfer
Of intense pain, stilted, limited movements that border
On the robotic before getting better.

Give up, never!
Immigrating at fourty plus is no simple matter,
With two teens and two adults to give succor
As the cultural, geographical, and familial reservoir
Dwindles and altered to an extreme purveyor
Of loss as we embrace newer circumstances in horror.

Give up, never!
Through each trial, the sun does shine brighter
And belief that you’re being tested makes me stronger.

Give up, never!
Give up, never!
Give up, never!

©️ Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

College isn’t always easy.
It would make me feel queasy.
Homework keeping me up late.
Stress giving me a mental debate.
Is this all worth it?
Should I just drop it?
I can’t turn back now.
My parents would have a cow.
My friends think so much of me.
What a disappointment I’d be
My parents’ money would go to waste.
This decision shouldn’t be made in haste.
My studies will continue.
I will finish what is due.
It will all be worth it in the end.
No matter how I have to bend.

Dear Youth Me,

When people are asked to describe you, your no-quit attitude is the lead of your story. You almost quit writing this. Why?

You did not know what to write about and you have felt for the longest time that anything you do academically has to make up for the things you can’t do physically.

You have not quit countless of other times — and as much as you do NOT want to say this… this most DEFINITELY WILL NOT be the LAST.

So, before I move any further, CONGRATULATIONS to YOU for taking the time to look back and see what you have accomplished; writing this piece is TRULY a PRIME example of YOU NOT quitting!

Another example can be seen where you are right now, what ground are your feet hitting?

The ground of YOUR home; the place where YOU are staying by YOURSELF!

I do NOT really comprehend when someone says you have a NO-QUIT attitude because EVERY goal you set for yourself has one ending, SUCCESS (or at least a lot of them).

After graduating with your masters degree in Sports Journalism, it took you nine months to find a job and as much as you wanted one, you are lucky enough that you did NOT NEED one.

But you made a DEAL with your parents that a job equaled moving out.

As much as your PARENTS MOTIVATED YOU and still do, you found that job YOURSELF… congrats!

Keep on being you!

Your Youth Self.

Love,

Jake

To a girl,
Young, scared, hurt, and overcome by the feeling of wanting to crawl out of her skin. You have come so far. You have marched down the length of that dock, felt the dead, dry, prickly summer grass on the bottoms of your feet, and you’ve kept walking. You threw away that swimsuit, you know the one. The pale blue bikini with the tiny yellow and pink flowers. You’ve even gone back to that lake. It took you a couple tries, but you gathered the courage to place your picnic blanket under the big oak tree, remove your shoes, and swim in the beautiful deep blue Washington water once again.
I don’t blame you for staying away for as long as you did. Even just driving on the bridge that overlooks the water made you shiver. There were a lot of firsts that happened that day at the lake, and the weeks to follow. It was your first time going to the lake without an adult. It was your first time visiting the public swimming area of the lake. It was your first time jumping off the long wooden dock. It was your first time being touched by a man. It was your first time feeling the gaze of a man threaten you into silence. It was the first time you were so terrified that you couldn’t make even the tiniest weakest sound. It was the first time you felt like an uninvited guest in your own body.
Some disturbed people will tell you it was your fault. “A fourteen-year-old girl shouldn’t be wearing such a skimpy bathing suit,” they’ll say. That is an idea that has been passed down through the generations, and unfortunately, that idea is still widely communicated to young girls today. But you know now that the way you dress is never an invitation to somebody else. I wish someone would’ve told me that in the weeks that followed.
I am incredibly proud of the way you handled yourself in those following weeks. Looking back, it was upsetting that there wasn’t more the police could do. You gave them the location, the date and time, and they even had you go to the police station and meet with an artist who drew a portrait of your assaulter while you picked his eyes, ears, mouth, and nose out from a book of a thousand little drawings. It was like playing paper dolls. You still question if you got it right. You didn’t have a clear image of his whole face. Just his eyes. Those penetrative eyes that silently shouted at you to sit still, stay quiet, and tell no one what had just happened under the water. His eyes were the easiest feature to pick out of the book. To this day, I believe you could still pick them out of a crowd. Some images just never leave, even if the pain has started to fade.
Pushing through that darkness and letting that fear die out was one of the hardest things you’ve done. Even if your predator wasn’t brought to justice, you created a personal justice. Your body belongs to yourself again. You feel at home in your skin, and you dress however the hell you want. You wear scarves in your hair, bikini tops and little jean shorts, turtlenecks and long skirts, cropped shirts. You wear it all, and you don’t wear any of it to send a specific message. You just like how you look. And let me just say that that is a huge accomplishment in a society that raises women to hate how they look once they reach a certain age. Keep fighting that predetermined narrative.
Taking back your body was the first step. June 14th, 2023, you went back to that public swimming area. You wore your favorite swimsuit. You took your dog and your partner at the time for extra comfort and support. Getting back in the water was hard. That dock might always hold a painful memory, but you will never let it keep you from enjoying something that everyone has the right and privilege to do. Young girls shouldn’t have to fear something as innocent as a lake day or removing their swim coverups in a public swimming area. You have now marched back down the length of that dock, jumped into that water, and enjoyed the freedom of your body swimming in the magnificent deep blue Washington waters. Those eyes aren’t watching you anymore and those hands have let you go.

I started taking up Ballet when I was about six years old. Despite how fleeting it was, I can still vividly recall being in school changing into my pink leotard and shoes my mom had bought me. I also remember doing a few shape and hand-movement coordination that my class had done.

Throughout most of my life, being around my family during gatherings would create space for me to dance and connect with my community while being hyped up by their cheering and smiling faces. Around my early-late adolescent years, I felt as if I was the life of the party around friends and others my age.

I was up to date on all the latest moves and bold enough to share it during dance-offs. I often would imagine myself dancing in music videos. More specifically, dancing with one of my favorite performers as I would constantly watch and mirror every move of hers.

I was no wallflower, which surprised others when they saw me move! However, at some point, all of the partying faded away. There were even no more family gatherings as we once had.

That brings me to now seeing that roughly eight years later, I would be here seriously pursuing my passion as a dancer and sharing the gift to minister light into this world. I could feel deeply within my spirit that I would to some capacity.

At 28 years old, last year in 2023, I recall being out for a meditative walk. I was a bit frustrated with where I was while living with family and not being off yet to where I initially planned to be (moving to California).

However, during that very walk, I felt intuitively led toward a Christian Center right around the corner. Everything within my spirit and surroundings allured me (the birds loudly calling in the dead of winter near the location).

The next day was a Sunday. I attended service and a few more after that. By surprise, one day I was able to see them live on stage. I was then in awe to learn that their creative arts department had a dance team.

For a brief moment, I had let fear get the best of me by telling myself “I’ll join in somewhere else here… I’ll join the poetry small group”. Undeniably, dance is a part of what makes me passionate about the flow of music and the freedom to move.

On the contrary, my previous encounter with stepping into this space did not go well!!! I was in my second semester at Western Michigan University when I had taken contemporary dance and music exploration as electives that I was excited to take.

Unfortunately, depression (which I thought would subside after winter break) was staring at me right in the face. Showing up for classes was a struggle to keep up on my main courses, let alone electives. While I was sitting in my dorm room contemplating what I would do. I had decided to drop dance.

I felt so embarrassed on my last day being there. While gliding across the floor in groups, my focus had my mind and body moving opposite from the crowd, causing me to stand out like a sore thumb.

Now, I’ve come to realize the question “If you had a second chance at this, to do anything, would you take it?” I said YES to taking a real chance this time around! I asked whomever I could to inquire about joining their CAD Department. Eventually, I was sitting in on my 1st official practice.

My 1st audition for a part felt like a stretch emotionally. I felt my spirit needing to fully “break out.” However, I still felt some resistance and energy to work through.

I was selected for the part as my potential was louder than the resistance.
Ironically, being back to living with relatives longer than I had planned had become where I have been planted to grow, be challenged to reach, and develop!!!

One year later, at age 29, I am still dancing and developing with my team at Love Life in every way. I now understand the love and support the universe has in store for me this time. It carries me while living out my fullest potential! Also, there are people who genuinely hold me accountable with the honesty and nurturing criticism needed.

I’ve danced quite a few collaborative solos. I even helped to choreograph a number as well. It seems that some callings somehow seem to call back when a time is more convenient. As for me, it’s a dial of grace called destiny.

My name is Timothy.
I’m a schizophrenic but take my meds.
I was diagnosed in 2004 and with my guide The Lord-the med’s help!
I’m also an ex drug addict, alcoholic and convict…
But even if I would think of this again-I’d get sick!
And because of the youth that has committed suicide,
I’m now an x smoker, No more nicotine Can I hide!
You may check up on me in the future,and if you will, I’m greatly obliged.
All you dear teens mean so much to me,
Please never think you’re not worth it, Because you are!
I understand where you’re coming from.I’ve been there and not dumb.
Find no reason naughty or nice to ever think of ending your life.
You’re beautiful.I promise daily prayed for by many,
I’m now also a Christian and I pray for you plenty!
I love you. Jesus loves you more. I pray for you, Jesus prays for you more.
Anything at all I may ever do I promise I will do it for you.
Always remember Jesus does everything better!
It takes great character to do what you do in the world today,
And you have it in you.I promise, just seek life along your way!
Something I love and gave not up on, by daily walking with my great God…
In the ending year of 2006 a man gave me a Bible,
I’ve read and studied it since that day, and loved it all the while!
This I still daily Continue to do, it changed my life and it can change yours too!
I loved it so much, I decided to go to it’s teaching school…
From the school of hard knocks to the school of God’s grace so cool!
Northeast Ohio Bible Institute, had for me taught and explained the Good News!
2008 or 2009, I started when God told me, Tim now it’s time…
About 4 years hot right on trail.I thought this lot I will surely fail.
I wanted to give up.I wanted to quit, for I was back slidden in the life that I lived.
But for sure The teacher of the class said don’t quit but get back on track!
So I buckled down and ate my spinach.And wouldn’t you know it?I surely finished!
I won and it was fun graduated with a C.And that’s not bad for somebody like me!
But oh, how sad it would have been if I’d have tucked tail and ran from the degree.
Even though I was so messed up, with at that time current thoughts of suicide…
God wouldn’t let me go, for He promised, I will never leave you.I have your best in mind!
Surely I knew that He got this, and so glad I was of six years completion!
I still so much love God’s life in me leading, He is the leader.I follow him still,
And wouldn’t you know it?I’m back in another Bible school, what a thrill!
Not just 1, but even 2! Patriot Bible University, and Reformers Unanimous too!
Life is so grand and I am so glad I had not killed myself,
For God has made everything new.So I live for Him, and especially you!
He daily blesses and it’s never the end…
So please don’t give up, for you are the Blessing-my Friend!!!

3-13-24

Twinkle Twinkle Beloved Star,

Are you unaware of how near you are?
You have been yearning for heaven from a distance, but have you recognized your own brilliance?
You are a formidable warrior, more powerful than any demon that has attempted to break you.
Body covered in tattoos and Christlike battle scars.
Led by the heart of David, the lion of Judah, I followed you into every battle in the shadows. .
Equipped with a heart that will never leave you nor forsake you, even though someone has ripped and torn it apart,
With you, I will never be worse off than I am right now.
Your light shines brighter than that of any other star.
You are a guiding light.
Like a lighthouse that guides someone back home when they have drifted a little too far.
Brighter than the light on the Luxor in Vegas that can stretch across the stratosphere as if it could reach Mars.
Or possibly the faint glow from a light at the end of a tunnel of long-suffering?
A lantern flickering in the distance, in the wilderness.
Like a moth to a flame, the moon brightens the droplets of rain.
A relentless light within that formed within your soul whilst in the darkest places. A place no one else can see except those with heavenly sight.
However, photographs are exposed in dark rooms.
With negatives anointed by oil, all things will eventually come to light.
Beloved, you are marked. Even with that shattered soul, you were created to be a burning, bright, beautiful star, and you can never give up.
Your job is to guide all the broken ones back into the light.

***Trigger warning***
I have thought long and hard about this entry, the words that are going to follow, will likely be a trigger for so many, but it is my hope that maybe, I can help another feel less alone. I want to let you know, that I’ve likely been right where you are. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to feel like everything is caving in. That life sucks, and that we got the shortest straw. It’s at that point, we know we are human beings. Living life. We just have to feel it all! Then, when we feel it’s time, push through it. Try not to get stuck in the pain and the darkness. Time is different for so many of us.
My life has been far from easy. I’m guessing yours may not have been either. So we are meeting on common ground. I wanted to give up on everything so many times. My very first memory ever was when I was around 2. It was traumatic. Growing up I didn’t fit in with the others. I was bullied. I had a very emotionally immature mother, and my father, well, he was gone without a forwarding address when they divorced.
I was the odd girl being raised by her grandparents. I was automatically labeled “different” and not cool.
I kept going. It was so hard. In 4th grade, the bullying really took its toll on me when a fellow student put a kick me sign on my back and my art teacher saw it. She pulled me aside and took me into the hall. I thought I was going to be in trouble because no one wanted to be in a group with me. Her words changed my life. She told me that I was smart and talented. She told me to leave the kick me sign on my back and to go back in the classroom acting as if I didn’t know anything had happened. I wanted to cry so badly. My heart was crushed. It was hard, but I did it. I kept moving forward.
In my elementary years, I felt so lost. Absolutely lost inside. Moving on to middle school, the bullying continued. My self esteem was at an all time low. I started to ditch classes and eventually, I constantly messed up all through 7th grade. I didn’t think that I had a chance at anything. At this point, I had some family issues arise and the pressure took its toll on me. I experienced physical abuse from someone in my family due to alcohol abuse they had become a stranger in my eyes. Unrecognizable and terrifying. With each time that I was hit a piece of me shut down. No one was listening to me. It was me, against the world. I was put in a private school for “troubled teens” There were not many girls there but I became friends with a girl that was adopted.
I opened up to her about feeling fat and un pretty. One day at her home, she gave my my very first diet pill. This resulted in an eating disorder, I will just check that box too. So we now have on the board, traumatic childhood- jumping into Child abuse, leading to full blown self hatred and a very devastating case of both anorexia and boulima. I had absolutely no clue that I was spiraling downward in a very dangerous way. I couldn’t feel anything. I wanted to feel something. I just couldn’t. I was absolutely NUMB. You might be wondering why I’m putting this out there for the world to see. It’s my hope, that you will see that you are not alone. That you are strong and you will pull through the storms. My story didn’t end there. As numb as I was, I kept moving forward. I had no direction but I knew that it had to get better at sometime. Fast forward to 15, I was thrown back with my mother. Within the first month of living with my mother, Plot twist from absolute HELL-
I was beaten in the school parking lot with leather belts by a group of boys while everyone watched and laughed. This was typical for a Denver high school in the 90’s. “There was no room for stuck up little white girl in their hood” This was what they told me as they continued to whip me with braided belts. This was an assault. The school let it go. I became a shell. I don’t remember too much other than my mother blaming me for the events that transpired shortly after this. I was sexually assaulted by one of the boys in that group. I woke up in a hospital emergency room covered in charcoal with only a blur of the hospital lights above my head. At that point, all I wanted to was die. I didn’t think that I had anything left. The police had taken a report and my mother refused to press charges on grounds that she feared more gang retaliation would follow. I was placed in a group home- Day treatment facility to address the issues. That treatment facility saved my life. For the very first time I was taken seriously. I was not called a liar. I was supported and safe. I had made it to safety.
It was a lot of work on my part. I still had a many issues with my mother.
Everything was always about her. I’m wrapping this up ending in a teen pregnancy. The teen pregnancy allowed me to imancipate from my mother at age 16. I want you to believe that you can break your family generational curses/cycles and life may be hard but I can promise you there is a light. The fight and the struggle are very important. They make us who we are.
I believe in you. In fact, a whole lot of us Unsealers do. You are amazing. You are smart, you are strong, you have a bright future ahead. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You will change the world. I will be over here, a stranger, in the stands rooting for you. 💜 Just believe in every aspect of YOU. You will pull through. You are not alone and you are already doing such great things. Most importantly, thank you for being you.