Oh fear,

You’ve been with me for a long time. First things first, let me thank you for the times you’ve saved me- letting my mom know I was hungry, keeping me away from poisonous spiders, dangerous heights, and sketchy situations. You can be a lifesaver… but you and I both know that you can also be a life sucker. In fact, I think it’s high time we had a chat about that.

You’ve held me back many times, even when I know you are often:

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

And yet, how easily I can believe you to be true. How easily I can surrender my sanity in the face of your mirage. How quickly I can lose my authenticity in the face of your false ferocity. You know how to get under my skin. You know just how to hijack my best intentions.

Despite all this, I’m committed to making you my friend. I will continue to pray and meditate, so that I, like Scooby and the gang, can remove the terrifying mask you wear.

I will fight to see beneath your facade, gaining a glimpse into the lesson you wish to teach.

I will deliberately choose to breathe in life and love, removing the sting of venom in your bite.

I will remind both of us that you are my coach, not my boss.

Do you remember how you drove me to avoid letting people down? That palpable compulsion to say yes to every request anyone asked? I would do anything to please people with you at the wheel. More and more, I’m putting my hands at 10 & 2 on the helm. Time, practice, and my partner in crime led me to see your roots.

At your root was a little boy who feared that love had to be earned. A boy who saw love as a one-dimensional thing equivalent to a boat that never rocked. As a man, I have seen abundant evidence that true love remains in turbulent waters. In fact, genuine love can only bloom in the face of such obstacles. As a man, I know that love’s abundance means I don’t have to earn it. I know I am loved, and that truth has set me free. Free to say no when it’s what I mean. Free to save enough of that love for myself rather than spending every last penny for others. Free to walk my path and disregard sideways glances cast upon me. Free to be.

We also need to talk about how you inspire me to live with purpose and intention. I worry about losing the people I love in a tragic and unexpected fashion. Contemplating the fact that they could disappear is paralyzing. And yet, I want to meet you rather than push you away or let you consume me. I thank you for reminding me to live fully present with my loves while they’re here. I thank you for making me see in the wild works of nature how the cycle of birth and death is a beautiful dance, both elements necessary and magnificent. You remind me that I have indelible marks on my heart and soul made by the ones I love, and in that way, they will live in me as long as I draw breath. In this way, you have become fuel for me to make a more purposeful life.

So, fear, my multifaceted friend, let’s keep this conversation going. I will keep asking you who you really are, so we can make a habit of seeing each other eye to eye.

**My style score is a 72%, and the achiever in me hurts a little in accepting a “C.” But I have good reason for it. The thing bringing me down in that category is my use of repeated words/phrases at the start of sentences. I am a big believer in anaphora, as I see its power to drive home a message and bring my voice through the page. I really enjoyed using this tool though, and I see how I can create my own style rubric. I will have to continue to play around with it. Thanks for the opportunity to use this resource and to share my writing once again!**

Start of the new year, time to set some new goals,

What do I want? Most of all to be whole:

Being wholly holy, tending to my soul.

Choosing to engage instead of to scroll,

Stepping more wholeheartedly into this role,

As a beam of bright stardust, wonderfully made,

As a light in the darkness, dispersing the shade,

As a brilliant blade of grass, yet part of the glade,

Rising and dying, and never afraid,

Finding my center while the wheels spin around,

Saving space for silence amidst all of the sound.

Speaking to my maker with each morning sun,

Giving praise likewise when each day is done.

Knowing I’ve come far yet only begun,

Knowing I’ve fallen, and also, I’ve won.

Remembering my weakness is what makes me strong,

Minding my missteps while moving along,

Being a being so wondrous and bold,

Willing my blood to turn my heart into gold,

Remembering the hurts that I bear and I give,

Believing that love and forgiveness always outlive

The sorrow, the shame, the fear blocking joy

Those demons and dangers who drive to destroy

Our peace, our connection, the sameness we share,

Our communities, closeness, and hearts full of care.

This is the call, that’s the bar, and it’s set high,

But I can do it, yes, I believe I can fly.

So long as I’m strong, and remember my why,

So long as I give this livin’ a try,

I can get past all falls and visit the sky,

Get there real high, where all wonders I’ll spy,

Posted above, view like the bird’s eye.

That’s the place
where I’ll see all of space,
And I’ll remind myself…

To bring healing to my wounds, and tend other’s hearts,

To strive continually to play my small part,

To speak, to write, to sharpen my arts,

To create, to play, take it back to the start,

To remember the wonder, of life as it dawns,

To make my young self into my icon.

To soak it all in, each moment I get,

To remember where I come from, never forget,

To fully and freely release my regret,

To put all my money on myself for a bet,

Not to gain profit, but to be sure to set

My eyes on the horizons, and also to let

Myself know my worth, so I can give it to others,

To sacrifice self for these sisters and brothers.

To recognize the gift that is the druthers.

All in all, I anticipate with hope all this year may bring,

And with this poem, I throw my hat in the ring!

Kindergartners, as it turns out, are quite avid breakdancers. If it weren’t for the birth of my beautiful daughter, I never would have known this. If it weren’t for the fulfillment of her 5-year-old heart’s desires (a dance party and pierced ears), I might never have experienced the wonder that is a posse of youngsters getting all kinds of jiggy with it. That free and energetic spirit on the dancefloor warmed my heart and became for me a cherished memory and a new prayer- that those kiddos might always keep that spark alive in them, even when they become “too cool” or afraid to be vulnerable.

The 5th birthday is a big one. It’s amazing the way that children’s milestones come to fruition. I expected first words and first steps to be a clear moment in time, a definitive pinpoint. As it turns out, they’re messier and more complicated. They’re full of half steps, partial words, forward and backward motions, and so too was the passage from 4 to 5 for my darling Bella Luna.

The fun began with an appointment to pierce her ears. We gathered at the mall with her Nonna, her Tia, her Tio, and of course, my wife, myself, and her little sister. As we approached Claire’s, we were distressed to see the lights off and a chain link gate pulled down in the store front. We stood there, looking in, as if somehow that would magically make the place open and ready for the big event. Just as unease began to creep in, the employee (who was on lunch break) came over.

“I’ll be open again in 15 minutes,” she said with an edge of annoyance.

“We had an appointment to get my daughter’s ears pierced at 1:00,” I reply, with a hint of authority.

“Did you do it online? Cause we don’t get those. Anyways, I can’t pierce anyone’s ears under the age of 6. I’m not trained for it.”

That was the critical moment- the one where, as a parent, panic sets in. Not that you need her birthday to be “perfect,” but you surely hope that you can deliver on the planned promises and meet her expectations. I could see tears welling up in Bella’s eyes as the meaning of this young lady’s words started to register.

We cut our losses, walking away after bickering about how there shouldn’t be online bookings if they won’t be honored and how we were sorely disappointed in this denial. We then frantically called tattoo parlors, looking for a last-minute chance. All our efforts were fruitless. Bella’s Nonna hopped on the highway back home, and we all hung our heads. Bella, ever resilient, was consoled by the fact that she would get them pierced one day, if not today.

That’s when I decided to make a move. I went back down to Claire’s, and I used two parts rizz and one part birthday guilt to convince the young lady to do this thing. She got on board with it after I assured her of Bella’s maturity and showed her that she had the chance to do something extraordinary on this droll day of working away at the mall- she had the chance to make a young girl’s, rather a whole family’s, birthday wish come true.

As I walked back to my family in triumph, I was filled with a sense of joy and excitement. The look in my wife’s eyes and Bella’s as well confirmed to me that I had won the day. We got Bella’s ears pierced, and she was the best bravest girl, determined to bear whatever it took to get a new way to express herself, accessorize, and be the fashionista she is. After a celebratory dinner, it was time to put our eyes towards the party the following day.

We stayed up late making decorations, preparations, and sharing some of favorite memories from these short yet full five years. The morning dawned, and Bella, true to form, got her party outfit on first thing. From that very first moment, through all those that followed, I did my best to anchor myself in the present. To be there for this flickering, fleeting finale, the end of one era and the start of a next. Staying present was challenging at moments, but that moment the first song came on, and Bella and all her little friends absolutely got down to the banging beat, well, it would’ve been impossible not to be attuned for that one. I only hope that I will be able to be present for many such moments over the course of her life, that I embrace the privilege and opportunity it is to be her guide, her coach, and her friend. When I get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope I dance.

Dear Unsealers,

I have never struggled to give thanks to others.
Whether it’s the barista, the waitress, or gratitude for my brothers.
But thanking myself doesn’t roll off the tongue.
Perhaps because it’s hard for me to see clearly
the good lying among
The ways that I see I can improve and grow better.
But thanks to this prompt, and the writing of this letter,

I’ll take the chance to practice more gratitude for me…

With the caveat that this person that you see,
The one that I describe in the lines penned below
Did nothing on his own, instead he was in tow,
To countless great people who showed him the way,
And most of all to his Maker who makes possible each day-
Who gives the gift of life, the ability to move boulders.
So, each thanks to myself comes with this disclaimer: I stand upon so many shoulders.

That means that each thank-you below is both mine and it’s theirs
After all, that’s the beauty of life, the way that it shares.

Dear Paul,

You have had plenty of opportunities to harden your heart. It would have been easy to wall up your heart when your brother came out to you, ending the conversation there. You could’ve shut the door on him, written him off as a “sinner,” but you didn’t. You could’ve shut the door on your parents for putting him into conversations that were conversion therapy adjacent, for making you sit in a church where you no longer felt safe, let alone comfortable. Instead, you saw them as people, trying their best to do what was right. You could’ve treated people who belonged to that faith you left behind as less than you, but you didn’t. You might have done a fair bit of smack talking in the abstract and behind their backs, but hey, you’re only human. Thank you for keeping doors open and maintaining connections rather than building walls.

You could have easily become a career focused man, worried about his role in the world. The dragons you would slay, the conquests you’d engage. Indeed, you did find a way to make a difference in the world, through touching the hearts and minds of thousands of students, but far more importantly, you kept your family and marriage at the center. You are a husband who seeks to be a better listener, a stronger safety and support, and one not too accustomed to see, cherish, and celebrate the gift of your wife’s company and presence. You are also the dad who knows what size of diapers and clothes to buy. The dad who could be with the girls for a weekend without a personal crisis. The pops who knows how pick-ups and drop-offs work. The father who guides and disciplines but also who cuddles and cares. Kissing boo boos while encouraging strength, grit, and get back upness. Thank you for making your family a priority and stepping into the role of husband and father with gusto and in a way that both honors and pushes back against traditional thoughts of what makes a man.

And that is perhaps the most important and last thing I’d like to thank you for. Thank you for living in the sometimes-scary uncertainty of what you call “the intersection.” Rather than picking a side, to be just one thing on any number of possible binaries (e.g. working man v. family man or Christian v. Ally of the LGBTQ+), you proudly advocate for a middle way of moderation. You are both a teacher and a student. You are both wholly unique and the same as everyone else. You are both a man of faith and a man of reason. You are wise enough to admit yourself to be a fool. You are wonderful just as you are, and you have room for improvement. You understand, appreciate, and celebrate the beauty of these and countless other paradoxes. You see that appreciating paradox is indeed the most beautiful and profound piece of life’s ultimate quest-finding peace. Thank you for living within paradox peacefully, for sharing its beauty with others, and for being comfortable in the discomfort of its meaningful evasion of meaning.

I want to thank you from the bottom of this heart of ours. You have consistently found a way to keep it open to love and life, and that is no small thing. And now, in parting, I offer you a prayer for persistence in these and the yet to be seen endeavors.

May your heart stay ever open, no matter what’s brought to your door.
May you always strive to be and do more.
May you more often pause to give yourself praise, and
May God greatly bless you the rest of your days.

Sincerely,
Paul