I am 25.
This is a mood board, sprawling
Swatches of ambition, photographs pinned of places yet to see,
And pastel whispers of what feels true, but I think I like who I am becoming.
I drink an oat milk latte and walk around the house remembering who I was at 24—
Drafting text messages, never sent;
Creating worlds in fictional novels, characters that understood;
Spraying lavender on the pillow sheet, scaring the restless away.
I could write a million words about who I used to be, but I am 25.
I am floating and celebrating this chapter, feeling it expand and contract.
Everything has become clearer—homemade pasta, fuzzy socks, wearing lingerie, lighting cinnamon candles—(because) I didn’t love me.

I am 25. I’ve learned
To believe in my melancholy and that sometimes, things are out of my control; to taste the sweetness in the back of my throat, where my fear quietly waits; to turn pages, and write with fountain pens, and love myself in ways I have never.
I am 25 and I think I like who I am becoming.

Hello friend,
I never thought I would get an opportunity to write anything to you other than perhaps a ulogy. I can’t believe we made it to 45. There were times I didn’t think you would see 30. Been through alot teen pregnancy, mental health diagnosis, a severe drug addiction it has been a wild ride to say the least. Here we are though. Living. Existing, and the best part is the sense of peace we have now. No more praying to get through the day. No more running. No more games. We got here though, fighting tooth and nail for every chance and every change. We learned that if you go out with no make up on the world doesn’t stop. We learned that going to bed at 8 instead of going out at 10 is ok. That solitude and silence is welcomed and not scary anymore. We are not perfect. Far from it but we are progressing. We are growing. There is a sense of calm over us these days no more chaos. We may even have become a little boring compared to our former self. A little set in our ways. I remember the days though that we prayed to be exactly where we are right now. Remember the day you got your first apartment? We kept looking at the keys over and over amazed that someone trusted us enough to have our own space. Our own little piece of this world. That happened only 3 years ago but that gratitude and the awe of being given a chance has not subsided. So yes…we made it. Things are good. Somewhere right now someone is praying to be where we are. Hoping to one day get that key and to embrace the silence instead of fearing it. So in conclusion I would like to say I’m proud of us, …of you. Never would I have thought we would get this far, but here we are. I don’t know what the future will bring. All I can say is hold on tight my dear because this crazy ride isn’t even close to being over.

It’s March. Spring is starting to peek through the clouds.
I’m trying to move slow. I’m trying to be easy.
I’m working hard just to breathe.
I’m pining for control over my own body,
My autonomy feels out of reach.

I am reminded how I felt at sixteen, when I made the choice to starve.
Then I am reminded of the Palestinian children and men and women,
Dark eyes pleading while they wither away,
Bombs reflected back into our view.
I am humbled.

I am not the same as I once was.
Gratitude exists, albeit forced at times.
Growth and healing is an active choice.
I let myself transform.

Chapter 327
Today i turned 33.
Happy birthday to me!
Though those challenges through those dark visions i seen in my dreams last night was an attack to my esteem.
Waking up to clouded skies and high winds this morning shifted my perception thinking “ maybe its the heavens blowing in the winds of change for me?
I decided to walk.
First I headed to the barber shop for a fresh cut, now Im feeling myself.
With my head phones on out the door. Taking a trip to the coffee house down the road for a hot cup of Black Seal .
A soiree of Happiness filled my heart , through the first sip with a bone chilling scent of sweet almond, reminiscent to the decadent amaretto with notes of decanter liqueur twirling in the mix .
Big smiles from the coffee house barista with a full house of beings bantering amongst themselves, listening to the constant bells of the door opening and closing to those coming and going in.
Finishing my cup i swift my way out the door, “Its time to go to the art store.”
I purchased some spray paint for my project so eager to rush home and pour my heart onto the canvas before its time to go pick up my daughter. For a number of days leading up til today, Ive reflected on how far Ive came.
“I always viewed my life as a book filled with riddles, altered dimensions blended with moments of joy and memories of a journey convulsing with supernatural happenings as most would deem as some of the more stranger things”.
None the less, indeed it is a new chapter, my life has consisted of many chapters left with cliff hangers and some unsolved mysteries all that lead to this new book as i stand at the edge of the mountains ready to plummet into my next book of life leaving karmic ties of the past behind.
At this very moment i cant help but to smile, as the sun shines finally beaming in Gods love and light upon my face typing this letter about my excitement for the best things to come.
As it just dawned on me of how today itself is like a metaphor, “ Waking up to gloomy clouds and high winds. Like the swirl of a storm coming in, to cleanse but by days end, the sun will shine again”.
Typically i would over indulge in sweet cakes , red wine and a side of cajun wings and fries for my birthday but im on a slight fast for the weekend as i prepare for the gift to take a trip swaying in earths sacred medicine.
Im so excited for the venture, for i know it’ll open the roads out of my mind with hidden text in this next book like a sacred scripture etched in peruvian mountains, or hieroglyphs upon the cave walls like the Grand Canyon perhaps?
For there is a burning desire and deep love to further find myself as I thread on, with expanded wings into the unknown.
This chapter is just a binacular scope to getting closer to my dreams as i further on to slay the minifibers of fear nestling on the hairs of my skin.
“Its like beating the finally boss at the end of the game and the credits roll in”
327 is like a code to my inner matrix that im breaking similar to a complex rubix cube of suduko written in hebrew language.
And though to the outer world my inner being is in fact complex, i see it as a hidden passage way to a secret garden no man has had a hand in creating.
A chapter within a chapter… except i am the creator of my story that was already written.
“Speaking now from the thoughts of my Higher Self, the future self”
Doctor Strange disguised as the thinking woman, whose peering into the multiverse of self, reading the foot prints like a sand dune of sanskrit , eyes zoomed in like a magnifying glass.
Its interesting how vivid the imagination is within my mind but then again its sightings of truth that my memory has stored from millions of generations I have lived through out time.
“Im ready to get started and re-remember this chapter of 327, only this time, i am sure to live far beyond the age of 33 this lifetime.

Heading into uncharted waters
without a sac that is weighing her body down.
The subconscious brings forth the auteurs—
no longer trapped in some town.
A narrow bumpy path lies in front
next to one that could have been the easy way.
While a stunt—
pushed her astray.
A knight sweeping her before the fall
catching the princess off guard.
Freezing so he gives her the shawl—
tightening the grip protecting her from debarred.
The sun rose in the east
as the butterflies increased.

Life is so meta.
We go through changes adjusting to the life we live each moment.
It is funny how a life lived until now can be reduced to this poem.
There are so many untold stories and relationships, but you can see them.
Set the scene for a story about life that is so meta.

When I was a child, I was the “weird kid.”
The “old soul,” “you’re mature for your age,” and “you’re so creative.”
In hindsight, this seems endearing; however, as a child,
And the words “weird” or “different” follow the “compliments.”
Turned confidence into assessment and assessment into
an existential crisis as a teenager.

Teenagers live in an existential crisis naturally, as their brains are developed
just right for trouble and risks. Mix a dash of trauma, some anxiety, and depression.
Then, the cherry on top is the “compliments.”
I refused to fit in because it wasn’t my truth.
I left this place and moved to a place where I knew no one.

Not only do I move once to northeast Florida, but I also move across the country.
I learn the value of natural beauty, acceptance, support, community, and responsibility.
Through meeting new people and finding community, I solidified more of myself,
But I have never changed the weirdness I once took as a backhanded compliment.
And I made it my superpower.

I moved back home, where I am weird, an old soul, and creative.
Integrating these parts led to seeing how meta life can be.
The physical and the mental always come back to itself as
Opportunities to learn more about yourself and decide
Where you are going on this new timeline.

This superpower strengthened through new relationships,
Marriage, the stress of undergrad, and graduate school.
Three dogs, two cats, and a bearded dragon later
I stand in my truth of weirdness and use it to serve others.

I use this superpower of difference as a beacon of light
For those who haven’t had their chance to relate and
Feel validated as the old soul, creative, and weird kid.
Teaching others the difference is not a deficit and
How meta life can be.

Learning about myself and others
Has led to the enlightenment of self-love and validation.
Life is still hard, and I don’t care for days when my
Pocket gets caught on the doorknob,
But now,
I laugh and move on from life’s silly instances.
When life gets even more complicated-
I know it feels familiar, and remember not to
Let how meta life can be affect the way I feel
About myself.

I wish I could send a letter,
to myself in the past.
I’d tell myself to let them go,
those women just won’t last.
My heart was set on nonsense,
I had no want to stay.
But I am so thankful,
that it didn’t stay that way.
Eventually I found the one,
that my heart calls home.
But I wasted so much time,
with women on my phone.
I guess they were each a lesson,
when I look in the mirror.
Each failed attempt at love,
made the right path more clear.
Well then, I guess I’d tell myself,
to stay away from drugs.
I got so caught up in meth,
I forgot who I was.
But if I’d never done the drugs,
I would never have moved away.
And if that’d never happened,
I wouldn’t be here today.
Moving down here,
is how I met my wife.
So I guess in a way,
the drugs gave me life.
Ok, maybe I’d tell the old me,
to stay away from those guys.
The ones that sell me drugs,
and the ones that tell me lies.
But years down the road,
some of those guys do great.
A few of them even,
had a hand in my escape.
Every loss I’ve had,
has led me to a win.
So I wouldn’t be where I am,
if it wasn’t for where I’ve been.
I guess I won’t send this letter,
I’ll let God make the plan.
I know I fell down a lot,
but I became a good man.

In the garden of my late twenties,
Where dreams weave through realities,
I stand, a creator, a learner, a leader,
Crafting my path with the hands of a dreamer.

Each day a canvas, my career the brush,
Dipped in the hues of knowledge, a quiet hush.
With every stroke, I grow, I thrive,
In this dance of creativity, I feel alive.

Challenges rise like mountains steep,
Yet within me, a resolve so deep.
To climb, to conquer, to reach new heights,
Finding strength in the toughest of fights.

Impact is the echo of my silent roar,
Touching lives, opening a new door.
In this chapter, a rebranding so bold,
A story of transformation, waiting to be told.

As twenty-eight whispers of time well spent,
I gaze toward thirty with pure intent.
A decade looming with promises anew,
A journey of becoming, a perspective true.

In this blossoming, I find my grace,
A higher self in time and space.
Strong, unswayed by the external din,
Rooted in self, a radiance from within.

With every heartbeat, I fall deeper in love,
With the person I am, the skies above.
Pride swells like a tide, vast and wide,
In who I’ve become, I take immense pride.

Hey! The hurt little girl and the brave woman inside me!
I tried to suppress one of you for the other for a long time and refused to acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses.
But enough is enough!
Let’s turn the page, and in this chapter, both of you are celebrated.
I see you and have abundant space in my heart for both of you.

Hello! My beautiful smile and my big fat arms!
To hide my shame-filled fat arms, loose belly, or big thighs, I also hid my smile.
But enough is enough!
Let’s turn the page, and in this chapter, all of you are visible and equally beautiful.
I smile at all of you and am here to flaunt you.

Wake up! My bold, confident self and the self with very low self-esteem!
I thought both of you could not coexist, and I got lost in search of who I really was.
But enough is enough!
Let’s turn the page, and in this chapter, both of you can come alive.
I respect you and am here to show up for my purpose with both of you by my side.

Hola! My suppressed feminine self and my wounded masculine self!
When I learned to survive in this patriarchal world, I missed understanding both of you.
But enough is enough!
Let’s turn the page, and in this chapter, both of you can be safely expressed.
I love you, and I allow you to express both the magical and the wounded parts of you.

Aloha! My angry self and my most kind self!
You are often misunderstood by others, and I haven’t been able to fully accept the complexity of your existence in me.
But enough is enough!
Let’s turn the page, and in this chapter, I validate both of you – You are both beautiful!
Thank you for your fierceness, and I am here to create a sacred space for both of you.

Ciao! My deepest fears and my bravest self!
Why do I keep seeking protection from a man outside? Maybe because I have never really identified myself with my brave self?
But enough is enough!
Let’s turn the page, and in this chapter, I seek refuge in both of you.
I seek your wisdom and am proud to learn from both of you.

Hi! My sweetest heart and my brilliant brain,
I understand why the poets always put you against each other, and I have cursed you both many times, too.
But enough is enough!
Let’s turn the page, and in this chapter, I realize how much you both help me stay human.
I am grateful to you and here to listen to both of you.

Oh, my dear wounded selves!
I was so focused on trying to dissect and analyze all parts of you that
I got lost in the duality.
I denied space for parts of you because of shame or guilt,
And fit you into good and mostly bad,
All for the need to be loved by beings outside of me.

Oh, my dear, healthy selves!
I forgot to proudly embrace parts of you because, as a woman, I was confused about which parts of my existence are my best as defined by me vs. society.
I constantly disbelieved when anyone appreciated me because I gave away my power to those few trusted loved ones around me and let them define me.
You have shown up for me throughout my life, and we have achieved so much together,
Yet, I have not shown up enough for you all, and I sincerely feel sorry for how much I hurt you.
All for the need to be loved by beings outside of me.

But enough is enough!
Let’s turn the page from outside to inside, and in this new chapter,
I welcome all parts of me to exist, come alive, interact, and play with me.
I promise to stop searching for the container outside, to hold the whole and broken pieces of me.
I promise to come home to myself and realize that I have been the container all along.
In this new chapter, I am ready to fill my container with the gold elixir called self-love.
In this new chapter, I am here to gather the bare broken bones of me and lay it all out next to each other.
In this new chapter, I learn the art of Kintsugi and glue the broken, scattered parts of me with what is left of my raw self.
In this much-awaited chapter of my life, I am most excited to become one whole, perfectly imperfect self.

With love, me.

What I love about myself in this chapter of my life is that I am finally learning how to let go. Let go of the past, not entirely but mostly, let go of things I cannot control, and let the pieces fall as they may. I have always cared too much and too deeply and tried too hard to make sure everyone was happy losing myself along the way. I will speak up and stop being polite because it’s the right thing to do. You need to know when it’s the right thing to do and its not the right thing to do if you are being devalued or disrespected! So, in this chapter of my life book, I am finally alive!

You had your grip around my throat
You hoped it would make me choke
Instead, I fought back to breathe
And now you are nothing more than a sleaze who no longer has control over me