My presence Is a Present
I’d say kiss my ass
But 9/10 times you probably already did
Or at least fantasized about it

Don’t take my love for weakness
Or my heart for granted
because when I hit you
with the access denied
You gone panic

I’m a prize
But I’m not a trophy
I’m a treasure
But I’m not just for your pleasure

You can’t pick me up
and put me down
When you don’t want me

I promise you
I won’t sit around and collect dust
Waiting and debating
Should I stay or should I go

Because the difference
between me and a trophy
Is that I won’t be around
when the dust settles
Because I don’t settle

I’ve wasted too much
Of my time
Trying to be patient
But you can lead a horse
To water
But that doesn’t mean it’s gone drink it

Like what makes you think
You can play with me
I’m more than what you see
dope vibes
And energy
So don’t you dare
Come to me
Past your prime
I’m not sorry to say You’re out of time

You should have been
On your knees
Worshipping me
I’m a Queen

Better yet a Goddess

I surpass the constraints
of the program
I know
who I am
and who I be

So nothing you do
Can phase me
You can’t even
Amaze me

I’m priceless
So my presence
Is a blessing
And you’re ungrateful
I don’t have to be with you
To know you ain’t faithful
I can tell by your distasteful
Inconsistent lukewarm ways

My presence is valuable
And you missed out

Someone pour out
Libation for them

Feel sorry for them
Because I don’t
Dust settles
But I won’t

I will always be worthy
Of love
I don’t need them
To justify it
They knew it too
That’s why they sometimes
Treat me the way they do

I’m the most
Precious thing
You could have ever
Held in your hand
A heart of gold
Love as endless as grains of sand
A pure soul

A smile that’s a work of art
A body only the creator could design

And if you don’t think I’m worthy
That’s perfectly fine

Why am I worthy of the utmost respect?
This can only be answered with a short summary that is very emotional.
I was an unwanted, and unexpected baby, born to a young mother that didn’t really want to be a mother. I’m told that my mother left me in wet diapers, that burned my sensitive baby skin with urine. I’m told that she left me crying and did not meet my emotional needs. This was proven to be the case.
I was bounced around and handed over to anyone that would take care of me and to many that didn’t.
Due to this, I was unable to form bonds, or form healthy connections to others because I didn’t feel safe. That’s the easy and less painful way to put it into words. I never believed that I had a purpose. Until my grandparents decided that enough was enough. I’m told that my grandfather saw something special in me, and that he believed that I could break the family cycle if he were to take custody of me. That my friends was the beginning of the rest of my young life. It wasn’t easy growing up in a very broken environment. I have been in therapy since I was 4. Unfortunately, I had to do some of it with a very detached mother. At that point, one starts to realize that they have to protect themselves. That they have to be strong. Also, that they are worthy of love. It’s not easy at all, in fact, it’s one of the loneliest battles to fight. My best friends became my stuffed animals in my bedroom and each day I would line them up in my room and ask them how we could solve the problems of the day. A bad visit with my mother? Check! I was a bad girl today. Check. I didn’t know which end was up many days because my decisions were made for me in court by a judge. I had to have the visits that would lead me deeper into the spiral of self confusion and insecurities.
I spent most of my young life trying to gain the approval of my mother. Instead, I became her biggest disappointment which she would almost always let me know. Michelle, why can’t you be more like your sister. You’re such a wimp. Such a cry baby, overly sensitive etc. Her words burned into my heart and I couldn’t quite figure out how I was so different from others. Generational Trauma is real. Also known as generational curses. Breaking that cycle is very hard. I fought for years. I fawned, and I tried to be the image of what my mother wanted me to be. I am now 45 years old, and both my grandfather, and my mother have passed away. I lost my mother in 2019 and we were estranged at the time of her passing. When all of the painful memories start to rest their ugly heads it is my Grandma who encourages me now. She supports me and when I cry to her, I tell her I feel as if I am just floating here on earth, it is her words that keep me going. I no longer float along this life because I know that I was born to fly. We all deserve respect. We are all worthy of love. We are all beautiful hearts and our purpose is to try uplift the broken. To love the unloved. To encourage the hopeless and to help others accept who they are with no judgement.
That my friends makes me worthy of the utmost respect. The journey that I have fought through the last 45 years.
*Hopefully this writing makes sense and touches souls.
Trauma has taught this woman that she deserves nothing more than 100% respect. We all deserve the utmost respect.

Shelle Belle

Standing at a crossroads and I find my bones feeling lazy,
a vision towards my future but the road is hazy,

I always pour out to those who don’t realize that I’m giving them something sacred,

They let it spill over like the blood of the natives instead trying to save it.

So now I want to save myself, it was a happenstance of a chance , I told myself “let me go back for one more lap.”

I met a mystic whose mystique and music on the mountain drew me In, I felt like I was speaking to a feminine me,

she gave me.. a reading of tarot,
3 and 4 of swords, 8 of pentacles my heart was open but my mind still narrow.

She offered an invitation, “come, join us in a circle for an incantation

Oh, and bring a sacred vessel,
It’s contents can help remove impurities from your blood vessels.”

I found myself-
Surrounded by 7 goddesses, but I am not a god above them ,
In fact they welcomed this weary traveler so for that I love them

most were there because they wanted a change,
one was working through her social anxiety in the astral plane ,
one who was there, fulfilled her job as a mother, did you know a mothers love is like no other

In fact I felt it everywhere it invited this brother –
to lay his head on her lap ,
It said “come my child let your soul rest and take a nap.”

So as I drifted off between time and space,
I start to feel a tingle come upon my face

I felt my deep, rich, hot, blood being awoken ,
the spanish being spoken to the Spanish that left us broken.

Only hoping that my great, great, grandmother with high cheek bones and looooonng, flowing, raven hair was there.

And she was.

She explained to me that all we ever did was fight , now she’s asking me to rest ,

based off the four of swords during my reading, I think I will.

I felt a chill,
as the wind decided to inspect our ceremony- the clouds said “here follow me,”
the moon looked bigger I closed my eyes and a cloaked figure ,
invited me on to a boat ,

He “said do you want to see the future?

First you must see the fool and the fool is you.”

Using canabis to guide his canine to reveal the canines of the living shadow.

A monster, a myth, a mirror,
“come look inside my void and see yourself cleaner

Inspect your introspection ,ready front your reflection
Come, see that you’ve been so vulnerable.
Please give yourself some protection,

and on top of that- give yourself some love,
give yourself some patience,
and listen to yourself as your wisdom is amazing.”

I could hear this voice but was to afraid to face him, then I trusted myself and went to embrace him,

It was me, he was everything I’ve envisioned, now he’s the only person I look to when I make my decisions.

I said “you are so radiant, you’re exactly who I’m trying to be,”

he replied “good, you’re here finally but give yourself some time to be-

me, you, us, when I tell you something don’t second guess me, just trust . Ah ah ah, But no buts,

You’re here because you’re on the cusp of a new chapter,
to leave ink onto the first page you must first meet your master.”

First the mirror distorted, then the glass broke,
some footsteps approached it was the figure in cloak.

His presence was overpowering,
Emanating an energy at its zenith,

If I was faced with this Goliath then I must be David,
it was time for me to slay this behemoth.

But before I could unsheath my sword ,
I felt drawn to confront this chimera.

There I stood staring into
the blackness waiting for my terrors
to actualize,
I tore down his hood to meet his actual eyes.

It was me, again, looking even more divine than before.

He said “good, you passed the test because you don’t need to be afraid of yourself anymore!!!”

Then our guide brought us back to this plane,

I saw so much clarity to cut through that haze, this water sign now rolls with the waves as the moon beamed her rays, I give praise,

to this experience

as I’ve learned to shift my mind and my attitude ,

To live as my higher self, I will and I invite you, to always live with gratitude.

Thank you

As the sun sets and the centerpiece finds its place, we contemplate: where do we, in our differences, stand? Vibrations of our imperfections magnify, birthing expressions of distrust and anger, like flowers flourishing in the harshest conditions.

Yet, firm we stand, forging a bridge of verbal cues, a path where misunderstandings are not barriers, but stepping stones to compassion. In the face of disagreement, I nurture the tender seedling of respect.

We gather, our words painting ideals that soothe the soul’s unrest. Hands reach out, meanings intertwine, and in the midst of it, we welcome a vibrant spirit of life.

We strike the match of observation, and in our symphony, the merging respect hums a keynote. A song carried on the winds by the mature muse of mothers, giving life to images that often stand as concepts. We act in unity, living out the meanings of these actions, even when they diverge from our own.

In time, I earn your trust. The understanding light in the eyes of my peers, peeking into my perspective of wisdom, nourishes the garden of respect, cultivating gratitude on the vibrant leaves of our shared journey.

Does this resonate with the respect I’ve earned? Through engaging dialogues and shared experiences, respect becomes my emblem, not for agreement, but for understanding. This garden, a testament to seeds sowed with patience and empathy, is my deserved sanctuary. Even when our views diverge, respect bridges the gap, a testament to the power of understanding over agreement.

‘Who’s worthy of respect?’ Asks the
Oh so gentle soul. ‘Me, perhaps?’
Replying tentatively, I question whether
The ‘me’ others see is laudable with my
Honesty, diplomatically voiced,
Yet still encases my faith, ethics, and friendship.

Offering an ear, a hug, a friend, a listener
Free of malice and judgment, that’s never a jeer.

Resounding devotion can never
End, as long as your true self reverberates
Soulfully within a frequency received by
Peers and kin who feel the same.
Enter into the ring to battle out the
Captivating desires leading you astray
To a world where your worth is bound by trends.

©️ Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

“Discovering Faith, True Beauty and Confidence”

During and After Cancer

Without questioning, this is how I conquered through my diagnosis of cancer, not once, but twice. Without questioning, when going through a serious illness, you learn to know what faith truly is, along with finding the true meaning of beauty and how you really feel about yourself. I know this all too well because I have experienced many trials and tribulations in my life. Through it all, I gained strength that I never knew I had, and much more confidence in myself, which led me to loving myself all over again. I had a new beginning, all on my own.

After going through so much in my life, things were going well, until it happened. I had a head-on collision with not only breast cancer, but colon cancer as well, and it changed my entire outlook on life. I thought I had endured rough years before but going through cancer was the rest of the iceberg. There is nothing like it. You wonder, what in life had you done so wrong to have this placed upon you. You began asking, why me. Yet through my tragedies and all that I had to endure, it all became an awakening for me, in which I received and gained all the strength and encouragement I needed to conquer. Through it all, not only did I find the true meaning of life, I found the true meaning of beauty. Through all the chemo, radiation, the pain I endured, I still felt beautiful. I found myself looking in the mirror even more during this time, because I thought what I was dealing with would change me drastically, but as I viewed the imperfections on my body I now must live with, over time it got better, and instead of feeling sorry for myself, I embrace it. I’m still among the living, who am I to complain.

Whether we are dealing with an illness or any other negative feelings about ourselves, our lives, as well as our bodies, we need to be our on-cheering section. Through all my mishaps, I still feel beautiful, and it is real. I have come to realize that even going through such a dark time, I still have a life to be lived, and I am going to live it to the fullest. When I think about the individuals that are no longer among us due to such a horrific disease, I’m truly grateful, and I will no longer take my life for granted. Life is precious, and we don’t realize it until we come close to losing it. When I think of the “gift of life” that was given to me twice over, I knew I did not have a moment to waste. I would never say having or going through cancer is a gift, surviving it, receiving a second and third chance at life, is the gift. Yet, through it all, I did not allow the disease to take away who I am, or what I stand for. I am a survivor, as well as an example to show that it can happen, and that I can go on and look and feel just as beautiful, inside, and out, and it shines brighter.

Yet through my tragedies and all that I had to endure, I received and gained all the strength and encouragement I needed to conquer. I will say that the areas of my body that were interrupted will be a constant reminder I had cancer, and at times, it does bother me at times, I’m human, but within a moment or two, I look past it, because those areas could be covered up. True beauty is within and when you feel beautiful on the inside, it shows so clearly on the outside. Just because I had cancer, does not mean cancer had me. We as women should never allow anything, or any circumstance to steal our joy, nor our self-esteem, even while cancer is taking you through many emotions and many unanswered situations. At times you feel black-balled. And I for sure know with cancer, many times you are too weak to even think about your looks, because you’re not always feeling your best, but at times we must try, even a little bit and fight past it and keep living. Through any tragedy, we are and always will be beautiful and unique! Women, we all know that our bodies take lickings, yet we keep on ticking.

When I look back now and see how far I’ve came, I have to say, I thought right away that my cancer diagnoses were truly a death sentence, because you’re not sure if you’re going to make it. Cancer has taught me not to blink twice on life, my eyes are wide open, living my best life. I also realized after surviving cancer both times, that I was about to face new beginnings, new hope, do and see more with a whole new perspective on life. I share my story with others hoping to make a positive impact on someone who is ill or otherwise, where they can proceed life in a whole new way. I am 66yrs of age now, and I am cherishing each day, each moment, and through it all, I feel that I’m at my best. I am confident in myself, as well as grateful. I am starting over, doing things I should have done before cancer.

One day, after one of the many surgeries I had during my breast cancer period, and I could remember it as if it was yesterday, I experienced something so real, so peaceful, something of a miracle, that I had to write it down. I turned that experience into a poem, and I called it “Peace”. I took that poem, along with many others I had written, writing had become therapy for me. I am hoping that anyone who may have the opportunity to read my poems, gets out of them, what I placed in them, they are as real as poems could ever be. My most recently published book is titled, “Cancer, Yet Cancer Again, but I will not Die, before I’m Dead”. I titled it that, because I truly feel that you should not stop living, because you have cancer, and that is exactly what I almost did. I heard the word cancer, and my immediate thought was, that’s it. I am a realist, a regular everyday woman, who have overcome many obstacles, which took me to writing, trying to produce inspirational stories. If I had not gone through all that I did, I would have never anticipated such.

The scars and mishaps that are now attached to my body due to cancer, are just that. They are symbols for someone else’s inspiration and hope. I am thankful, because if I had not struggled, I would not have found my true strengths. Not allowing anything to stop me. I am a true example that you can survive cancer, not once, but twice, providing you get to it in time. I am not saying all will be easy, I am not saying all will survive it, what I am saying, is to have faith, fight with all you have, then hold on. I honestly believe, when and if you survive a horrific tragedy or a horrible disease such as cancer, it is for a reason. You have a purpose, and through that purpose, faith, compassion and strength, true beauty is born.

Thank You,
Karen Rice/x2 Cancer Survivor
Author

To anyone that feels the tug on their heart to listen to God even when it’s scary,

I graduated college in 2019 with what I considered to be a well flushed out plan. I was going to to go to work for a company that I had interned for over the summer and they were so excited to have me on board. I was in a long term relationship with a man that I was convinced I would marry, he checked off all the boxes I had on my list of what I wanted in a husband. Yet the strangest thing started happening during my last six months of school. I began to have doubts, at that time it was specifically about my relationship but I thought hey we’re both really busy working towards our futures right now it makes sense that I’m overwhelmed. I was overloading my units to graduate within four years and he was in a very intense fire academy at the same time.

Time went by and we both graduated from our programs and things finally started to feel better. We had more time to be with each other and we knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. However, God knew far more than we did.

I had tried on multiple occasions to connect with the company I was meant to work for after graduation only to find out that they had hired a new CEO and were in the midst of a hiring freeze. I was disappointed to say the least but I figured I’d find something else in time. My 22 year old self had no idea the amount of rejection she was about to face.

I ended up back in a retail position and frankly, very disappointed that I had a degree that seemed to be going to waste. Meanwhile my boyfriend was working through his rookie year and very stable in his job, obviously I was very happy for him and so proud that his constant hard work had paid off but it hurt to see someone I loved live their dream and not have any access to mine.

Keeping in mind that I was working retail mid-covid pandemic, this became a downward struggle where my mental and emotional health began to severely suffer. I didn’t understand what it was I was doing wrong, I had done everything in the right order. We hear it all the time growing up. “You go to college, get a job, get married and have a family.” Seemed simple enough….right? Not so much, no matter what I did I wasn’t getting anywhere and I became depressed and my anxiety skyrocketed to a point where I would wake up and immediately feel fear.

I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do or where to go and was paralyzed by my fear to make a mistake that I simply didn’t do anything. My personality went from bubbly laughter and wanting to be around my friends and family to miserable and isolating because I felt safer alone than I did around people that couldn’t understand how I felt. This mental battle continued for a good year.

Then I remembered the one thing that my parents had always told me growing up. If there was ever a time in my life where I felt like I needed help, God would always be there for me. I grew up in the church but I never really developed a relationship with Christ and I’ve since learned that religion and relationship are very different. So I decided I was going to start reading my Bible more and praying, whether it was verbal or written. Often it was the same topics I was praying about: job, relationship, purpose. They were on repeat in my mind and I knew I could bring them to God as often as they came up.

Slowly I began to realize that the plans I had made for myself and what I thought would be the best life for me might not be what God had for me even if they were good things. My biggest concern frankly was my purpose and how I would be able to identify it and my relationship. I wanted God to show me if this man was not my husband then I need Him to show me in a way that is the most obvious, in my face experience so that I can’t possibly think it’s just a coincidence.

When I tell you that God delivered every time I asked Him to, I just had to learn how to pay attention. Number 1) I ended up completely changing my career path from my college plan to, you’ll never guess….acting and writing. That was a very interesting conversation with my family at the dinner table I’ll tell you that for sure. But it scared the crap out of me. For the longest time I would sit in classes not fully being present or enjoying the moment for fear I was making the wrong choice. After that it became knowing that I would have to put myself out there, be willing to accept the possibility of being seen. It took time for me to embrace it because I was so scared it wasn’t in Gods plan and I was just being selfish. However, for the past two years I’ve pursued this new dream and the irony in all of it is that while I do consistently face rejection, God has allowed me more open doors and opportunities than I ever had with my previous career path. Especially because I remind myself who I want the glory to go to. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not me. Number 2) With my relationship I had to accept the possibility that even though the man I had was sweet, and loving and wanted to provide that didn’t mean he was the one God had for me. After months of working on everything we could and praying about our situation God showed me that it wasn’t going to be us. It had nothing to do with how great we were as individuals, but everything to do with who we were meant to be if were going to follow in His plan. I know that Gods plan is always better than mine so I knew I had to listen.

That was probably the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make. I would be stepping away from someone that was willing to provide for me, protect me, be there for my family, support me financially and did what he could to support my new acting dreams. No matter what he said or did, I couldn’t avoid the constant heart tug and the confirmation God had given me. It’s not him.

So I took a step out in faith and we decided it was best for both of us to grieve now so we could heal and move forward knowing we would always support each other from afar. We were very fortunate to have a healthy breakup but that didn’t stop my fear that I was leaving the security I had grown up believing I was supposed to have. It was scary yes, but I can say almost a year later that it’s the best decision I could have made.

I made room in my life for God to work in His way and in His timing. I do still find myself wanting to rush it sometimes, I mean come on I’m only human. As I continue to follow this path outside my comfort zone I find myself blessed with the one thing I know each and every one of us is looking for. Peace. A peace that makes no sense because it doesn’t come from this world, it comes from the one that knows me and the desires of my heart so deeply I know I can trust Him. Yes there will absolutely be more moments, likely in the near future where I’ll have to take another step out of my comfort zone and I’ll be clinging to God the entire time. Yes I will probably ask him about 40 times if He’s sure that this is what I should be doing, but I also know that faith isn’t faith unless it’s tested. Real growth and change doesn’t happen from your comfort zone.

I want to encourage anyone feeling that tug on their heart. Whatever it’s about, whether it’s a job, a relationship, a move, a financial situation etc. It’s not always going to be easy and you might not even feel 100% confident in the decision. If I’ve learned anything throughout my own journey it’s that I don’t have the power to mess up Gods plans for me, so listen to the heart tugs. Trust that you are in good hands and that even if you do make a mistake, God is powerful enough to correct it and work it all out for your good. As I finish writing this out, the phrase “Be the turtle” comes to mind. Why? They can only swim forwards. So pray about it, believe that God has your back and then “be the turtle.” Don’t look back.

What if I told you he took off my clothes like she did for you? If I told you he ignited a passion in me that I had forgotten about, would you survive it? If I told you I was bleeding as I wrote this, would you hand me a tissue or another beer? Comfort? I have left you out of sight and definitely in my mind. My thoughts now stream with anger like a river during a storm. It’s beautiful to see but difficult to endure. It takes everything with it, as you did to me. I’ve left the zone. No one called for help, even when I did. No one came. My tears are flooding the keyboard, like that river I told you about. I left you, my comfort, my zone. It hurt to leave as much as it hurt to stay. I laid my head here to sleep, my soul you kept and laughed as I wept. I felt your heartbeat close to mine, and even as we created love, I was the one who birthed it. I had to feed and care for my comfort. It bit me, and I bled. I wish you could hold me when I need it most, but the memories have turned me into a dustbowl of nothing. I can’t even take you with me. My winds have dwindled, and you have moved away from my desert. Don’t leave, don’t go. As far as comfort goes, this is home. The alcohol putrefied my veins after I convinced myself it was helping, distilling me and my impurities back to comfort. Even if it was for a minute, I wanted to taste your sweet sweat again. Salting my ocean, but really, it’s just your river, again.

Dear Unsealers,

It was a sunny Sunday afternoon, two weeks ago. At the tail end of a hot, busy last weekend of July.

As the ferry from lower Manhattan arrived at Governor’s Island, I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it or not. Walking past the banner of the New York City Poetry Festival, I stopped for a moment to soak in the scenery. The sun shined bright, blue skies above my head, green grass and the sounds of poets speaking their truth surrounded me. It was as if I had arrived in the colorful world of Oz after surviving the black and white tornado. I was not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

But I was looking for one stage, in particular, the Ring of Daisies. Walking along Colonel’s Row the amount of stages began to shrink. Once the last rowhouse appeared, that’s when I knew I was in the right place.

None of the names at this stage were on the schedule banner in the middle of the site. Just a sign-up sheet, the stage, and a microphone.

It might have been the cup of cava that I had at the Beer Garden as I walked or heard all the poetry in the air, but I was emboldened at the moment. I put my name on the signup list.

To this point, I’d never performed my poetry in front of a live audience. Most of the time, my audience is on separate screens or the camera that’s attached to my iPod Touch. Today would be unchartered territory for me.

Yet, I had a poem in hand to read. Two of them.

The first one was a moment of frustration having to make a grown-up decision to replace my bed after twenty-two years. The second is a moment to recognize the friendships that made my life such a joy. The waiting began.

As I sat on the grass for about two hours, my name was finally called. It was showtime at last.

After warning the crowd that this was my first turn at the mic, I spoke my truths. And took a deep sigh of relief the moment I stepped down to the audience’s applause.

I didn’t know it at that moment, but I accomplished something special. I escaped my comfort zone.

I’ve always been very weary of the unknown and trying new things. Clothes, hobbies, especially food. Mom would try to get me to try new food. Me: “I don’t like it”. Mom: “you never tried it”. Me: “ but I know I won’t like it”. My ex girlfriend was mystified by that thinking lol. My buddy says he has a buddy just like me. Go to a restaurant. Try something new? Why bother? Why deviate from what I know ? From the known?
The most recent and somewhat terrifying comfort zone was two summers ago. I went to visit my ex girlfriend in Manhattan. She was working for her company in herald square. I hadn’t traveled since 2011. And now i would have to travel post Covid, to an airport in New Jersey , then catch a train to Times Square. Solo. This didn’t match well with my slight anxiety of crowds and the unknown. Lots of crowds. Lots of unknown. I got the courage because I was so excited to go visit her that I just ignored the nervousness, told myself that people do this all the time, and that I’d be fine. I gained the courage because I had no choice haha. But mainly because I couldn’t wait to go see her.
The outcome of leaving my comfort zone last summer was total success. I got there fine (with maybe a bit of help from some kind folks along the way). The joy of walking down Manhattan and realizing I was going the right direction was so joyful and satisfying. We had a great time. Friday ws one of the best days of my life. We saw so many places. So many new things. Even though she got a little sick on Saturday, I got sent on a solo errand while she rested. An easy one, but I did it. And we made the best of that night. And made it to Times Square the next day before I left. I was so glad that I went out on that ledge, so to speak. Turned out so great
My advice to anyone scared of the unknown (including myself) is to forget your fears and just go for it. Take the chance. I’m glad I did last summer that’s for sure. Live those new moments and experiences. I figure it’s better to try and realize it was a good idea or bad idea than to wonder what could have been. Except jumping out of a plane. I don’t need to try that particular adventure.haha. But conquering the unknown one little experience at a time can be pretty satisfying. This I’ve learned and hopefully will continue to do so
James Corrao