I thought my heart was breaking
Turned out it was growing pains
I wondered often if the aching
I felt so deep inside
Was a symptom of something else
Something much more far and wide

I thought my heart was breaking
But in all reality
The stretching sensation that sent me shaking
Was only a casualty
Of diving in deep straight to my soul
Healing, cleansing and making whole
A place that was once so hidden
Leaving a shell of me almost bed ridden

I thought my heart was breaking
Instead I found I was transcending
All the preconceived thoughts and teachings
Which all brings my soul to this beautiful ascending
New earth that is never ending
Blessings abound, always mending
That which was perceived as broken
Has now been Re birthed
expansions sending
Reverberations of healing through nations
Our one-ness remembered
Return to the heart bending
Home within your soul which always waits to warmly
Calmly
Gently
Unconditionally
Welcome you back
Into a soft embrace.

How many times have I
Done this wicked communion?
I present my body and blood
Not for nourishment
But to be devoured until I am no more
He who eats and drinks of this
Cup unworthily drinks damnation
Unto himself

Unholy communion
Attached to eternal bliss
Forgotten pledge to the cross
As we kiss

We wrestled all night until
The sun peeks its head
above the horizon
And venerates
our bodies with light

You slumber still
I wide awake
Wondering what will this be
Will this man be it for me?
My God my Holy one
The father and son
My Savior
I still feel the essence of your spirit
Inside of me
I still taste the flavor
Of your skin

I still hear the echoes
From the wall
As I call for Jesus
Every inch graced
By your touch
It pleases
All my senses
As I come to the consensus
With my mind body spirit
And soul
You are my God
MY will I submit to you
Let the actions of my body
Be pleasing to you
Feel the eruption of my worship
As my living water flows

Heaven only knows

Dreams of monogamy
Carnal insecure thoughts wondering
If he is lying to me

Because last night we were on earth
Underneath the stars and the moon
Gazing and anticipating
Quiet heavy whispers
Questioning if it’s too soon
I only known you for a moment
But you’re familiar

Like always meant to be mine
Always meant to share space and time
In a past life we were distant lovers
Faithful Ritualistic promises of
See you next lifetime
Engraved in our DNA
And unconscious mind

It’s like I spent every life
searching for you
Too stunned to speak
Loving you from a distance
You noticed me
But we shied away
Translated as indifference

Wondering what am I missing
When will time be kind?
At this very moment
all the timelines
Align

All in-sync
Body to body
Melanin on melanin
Skin in skin
Shedding the weight of
Our earthly bodies and its sin

Ascending into the cosmos
Intertwining until we are one
Only God knows
When we shall be undone
The universe sings praises
And exalts our union
We are gods
The universe is pleased
I cover you just as Nut
Does for Geb
When he admires
Her beauty
We both intertwined
In this web
Of ethereal bliss

We fly past constellations,
planets and Galaxies
And make love
in the nebula clouds
Our sweat scattered across
The universe and heavens

As we take our rest
No need for words
While we lie naked
And undressed
Our chocolate bodies
Dancing in the shadows
Of my head
Heart distressed
At the potential mess
This could be
You’re asleep
And Wide awake I lay
In this bed
As the sun rises
From its slumber
the angels of light
Dance on the walls
of this room
I find peace and rest
in the quiet of
Heaven’s morning
And wait for the
Cleansing
Found in
Heaven’s afternoon

Say yes immediately!

Do not check your schedule,
do not consider
the consequences
until it’s too late.

Lose sleep
constructing
escape plans.

Remember:
anxiety is a loan shark
and it will find you!

Write the text and delete it
a few hundred times.

Google ‘how to safely
poison yourself’

Decide against it

Cancel last minute

and repeat.

Get up
the day has been
asking about you.

Shake off the dust
of your wallowing.

Unhibernate your
state of belonging.

I have seen skeletons
rediscover their heartbeats
so I have no doubt that you can, too.

Realign your bones.
Wash off the sins that your
sadness left behind.

Become fierce again
because the sky
Is toothless mouth
without you.

The sun lies awake
worried that he will never
get the chance
to cast your shadow again.

The wind has a scripture of things
it wants to whisper to you.

Turn your door mats around
so the world welcomes you.

Introduce yourself
like this world
owes you something.

It has left you breathless
for far too long.
You earned its oxygen.
Claim it!

This world is yours
for the taking
if you want it.

So get up!
The world
has been asking about you

it would be rude for you
not to answer.

Be still
Sweet one
When clouds cover the sun
And the breaths seem to take just a bit More effort
Be still
Beloved
When the waters of your soul seem to Break through the carefully placed Barriers of life’s wounds and pour Straight from your spirits depths
Manifest waters of emotion from the Non-physical
To here
Be still
And listen
For the whispers of your spirit in the Song of the morning dove or the soft Caress of wind on your neck
Be still
And feel the awe and love found only When you let go of you and become one With what is
The melting sherbert colors of the sky Just before the sun sets below the Horizon
A reminder that goodbyes can be Beautiful too
And aren’t always the finite things we Make them to be. . .
Be still
And rejoice
For you are alive and able to receive all These blessings and more
As your breath stills
And your being remains

December 2, 2012. I remember this day all too well, and December 3, 2012, which is strange because I don’t remember most of my life. These two days however, are clear, vivid, like watching a movie in IMAX. A movie that haunts me to this very day.

Let’s start with December 2. Abby and I were at Granny’s. It was a Sunday afternoon, the phone rang. It was you. Mama was just arriving at Granny’s to pick us up and take us back home with her. I remember Granny asking if I wanted to talk to you, I did not. I was handed the phone, but I had nothing to say to you. I was hurt, angry, and sad. I told you I was mad at you. Mad because you left once again to go raise a child who wasn’t even your own. You left me. You left us. You said you’d be coming home for Christmas, I was happy about that, excited even. I have always been a Daddy’s girl, all I wanted was my Daddy home. Since I didn’t want to talk to you, you asked to talk to Mama. I walked the phone out to her and let y’all talk. I remember Mama smiling and laughing while speaking with you. I later found out you had asked her to marry you again. She loved you, and truthfully now looking back, she would have married you again in a heartbeat. After y’all got off the phone, Abby and I loaded up in the car with Mama and headed home. The entire ride home I was still mad, but also very excited because in a few short weeks I’d get to see you again. So I thought anyway.

December 3, 2012. Monday morning, I was awoken with my phone being taken away. I had no idea what I had done wrong for my phone to be taken, I was very confused. Mama looked like she had been crying all night. Her eyes were swollen and red. She couldn’t tell me why she took my phone from me, so being the teenager that I was, of course I was irritated. I asked her what was wrong, she said she had a toothache all night and didn’t get any sleep. I got ready for school like it was a normal day. I remember I was wearing hot pink pants, a black shirt, and black boots. We left home, the same time as usual, like we were headed to school. I would have never guessed the horrors that awaited us. We stopped at Nana’s, this was unusual, especially since we were going to be late for school at this point. I remember being so agitated because not only do I not have my phone, now I’m going to be late for school. After Nana’s, we stopped at Granny’s. Immediately I knew something was wrong. Aunt Sam’s car was in the driveway, she lived in Kentucky at this time so why was she there? Granny was sitting on the porch in her pajamas, housecoat, and slippers. We got out of the car, and Granny’s face looked just like Mama’s. Eyes red and swollen like she’d been crying all night. Now I am aware this is not another toothache. It was never a toothache.

Granny tells us to go in and sit on her bed. Abby and I do as were told, we sit on the end of her bed. Granny then proceeds to kneel down in front of us, touching the both of us with her hands, and says, “Your Daddy was in an accident, and he didn’t make it.” I finally understand why my phone was taken, why everyone’s eyes were red and swollen, why everything that morning was a bit off. My world just went black. My heart shattered. Everything inside me died that day. That is the first time I ever had thoughts of suicide. Fourteen years old, and my Daddy had died. I didn’t even get to tell him goodbye. He died thinking that I hated him. I did not get to tell him I loved him, I missed him, I just wanted him to come home. I refused to speak to him when I had the chance just hours before he departed from this world. He died not knowing how much he meant to me. After we were told of the tragedy that occurred, we had to go home and pack our bags. We were going to Illinois. The bags were packed and we headed back to Granny’s, but now Papa was home too. A sound that I will never forget, is the sound of a grown man I have never seen shed one single tear, screaming, sobbing, and wailing. The sound of him mourning his son was loud enough to hear from outside of the house. To this day I can still hear his cries.

The week following your death is a blur. I remember key moments. I remember Aunt Sam nearly killing us trying to drive to the court house. You were actually going to court to see if the child you left Tennessee for was yours. I remember staying at Silly Willy’s and everyone went to view your body, but we were not allowed to go. I remember them talking about your body being “mangled”. I remember sitting at Silly Willy’s kitchen table trying to help pick songs to play at your funeral. I remember going to pick out your casket. I remember picking out your favorite cologne to spray on you. I remember when we had your visitation in Illinois and we were the first to view you. I remember not being able to walk down the aisle, nearly falling to my knees, sobbing my eyes out. That could not be MY Daddy laying in this casket. No. Not mine. But it was. Thankfully, Aunt Sam was there to pick me up and help me walk. I remember finally leaving, and Mama was the last person to say goodbye to you. We all gave her privacy. I remember going out to eat with everyone afterward and we all took a picture with the signature Billy Gray middle finger.

We brought you back home to Tennessee, in the bed of Papa’s truck. I remember riding behind it and still not believing that you were in that casket, you were really gone. I remember burying you, six feet in the ground. You were home for Christmas that year, just not the way I had expected. I remember everything, and sometimes, I wish I didn’t.

Since you’ve been gone, it does feel like the world has stopped spinning. I died that day and I don’t think I have ever come back to life yet. In fact, everyone died. A piece of every single one of us died on December 2, 2012. Some have handled your death better than others, but nonetheless, not one of us is okay. You do not expect to bury your father as a teenager. A parent does not expect to bury their child. Siblings do not expect to bury their sibling at such a young age. Especially, when you’re completely blindsided by it.

I always sit and wonder about the “what if’s”. What if you were still alive? Would things be as bad as they are? Would I be the way that I am? Would our family be as dysfunctional as it is now? The “what if’s” and “why’s” will eat you alive if you’re not careful. I have had my fair share of being eaten alive by them. I have had to accept that I cannot change what has happened, I cannot go back in time. I just have to believe you’re still here with me, believe that you know I love you and I always have, believe that you are in a better place.

You turned the last page of your book here on earth. I will cherish that book forever, hold it tightly in my soul. This December will mark 11 years, and I miss you more than I could ever put into words. I am still my Daddy’s little girl. I always will be. You were the first man I loved, and the first to break my heart. Unfortunately, grief never goes away, time does not fade the emotions and feelings. However, it is how you deal with the grief that is the key. Truth be told, I have not handled it very well. I have cursed God’s name, lost faith in everything, spiraled into destructive habits. Lots of times just HOPING it would in some sense bring me closer to you. I am now hoping one day my world will begin to spin again, maybe life will form in the parts of me that died. I will keep trying down here on earth, remember your legacy, for I am just as hard headed and stubborn as you. In the meantime, it is what it is. I will take it day by day until we meet again. When that day comes, be prepared for a fight because you left me down here without you, tears, laughter, and most of all an abundance of love. I will never let you go.

Your little girl,

Will you dance with me?
Creating joy through our new harmonies
Infinite branches of possibility
Stretching out …
Higher towards the Light
The way a tree grows towards its source as if to say
“thank you Divine Creator for the Life you bless me with this new day”
How beautiful it is
To live in prayer and gratitude
In the heart
Of the Most High,
Always lifted up and up,
Each day, my prayer asks
“Lord, please lead me,”
And His love leads.

So tell me, beloved, what song lives in your heart?
More importantly,
Why is it locked up
Like the caged bird?
The time is now
You will be free
You will have clarity

Once again your soul will sing
The joy will flow
The peace will ring
As you remember these forgotten things
Remembering…
Never are you alone
But always in harmony
In all ways
Mind
Body
Spirit

Harmony within…
Inhale
Harmony without
Exhale

Attuning to the highest frequency
We make a perfect harmony
Flowing freely
Not always neatly
But divine and in perfect time
We are aligned

Sending love
Little one
Wrapping you softly
Warmly
In my arms
Next to my heart
Rest now
You are safe
To bloom
In the name of
Self Love

Releasing control now
Giving into the flow now
We’re ready to go now. . .

Release. . .
Control . . .

I put my faith all in
All praise goes to above
Give thanks to Most High
Frequencies carry us up

He leads with love, this I can feel for certain
Understanding, forgiving
The love You give is a sure thing

Father, protect me,
I’ve wandered so long
Lost and blind
Not even one song

You found me
And showed me
And forgave me my wrongs
Your mercy, and kindness and love is so strong
Thank You Creator
With You I breathe easy
So soft and so long

So lord
Please
Forgive me my sins
And when
You see fit
I am
Ready to win

Thank you,
Sweet 2023
For holding me tenderly
While the most vulnerable parts of my
Soul returned from hiding
In order to
Be felt
And seen
Then released

Thank you, 2024
In advance
For all the blessings
From the lessons
That you so graciously give
Gratitude proceeds you
You’re just that great
My heart flutters at the thought
Of the sheer
Magnificence
You hold within your
Beautiful higher
Elevations
Heaven on earth
In the mind
And
Matter

Please bear with me as this is something that I’ve been wanting to do & finally got the courage to do so a freestyle fiction story that has been on my mind.

A child’s core memories develop at 5. Her core memories were not like others. Her core memory was waking up from her sleep as she was in the backseat of a car covered with her dad’s jacket while he was speeding on the freeway. She felt safe seeing her dad and went back to sleep as he told her to do.

She wasn’t going to school, but she went from home to home thinking about what a great time she was having with her dad. She went with the stepmom to be with her siblings. She doesn’t recall how she spent her time there but just the vhs movie that the stepmom threw away. Once dad picked her up, he noticed she was sad. Since her dad asked her what happened, she did just that. Dad said, “Wait in the car. I’ll be right back.” She just knew that her dad was going to take care of it. In her world full of chaos, all she can do was observe. When it felt like she was all, alone she realized that she was always guided and protected.

She went with another stepmom who was just a sweet and caring soul. She treated her right, and she knew, being in her presence, that everything would be just fine.

My description of a delightful conversation that is open-minded and nonjudgmental. You can see each other’s point of view because you listen intending to listen. When starting off the dialogue, others refrain from interrupting you, allowing you to get to the point. I understand why it’s so difficult to have it with most people. The reason for that is simple: you appreciate it more when you have that delightful conversation.

I used to love reading and writing, how much emotion they expressed with the power of the written word. What’s more powerful than the written word? That would be the words that we speak; the spoken word. Words have the power to build or destroy you. When you have ill intention, then the words hurt and create chaos for the person receiving it. A delightful conversation has the power to bring in positivity and possibly people together. Some people can agree to disagree and continue on with the conversation. While others stand firm that there is only one way. There is nothing magical about having a conversation that is only one-sided.

My magical moment was joining The Unsealed, knowing that I can also transform my pain into a superpower. It inspired me to express my thoughts the only way that I knew it would be best. I had a zoom meeting with Lauren, which went amazing. She is so kindhearted, empathetic, and compassionate. I believe I cried during that zoom call. A pile of emotion from my story & to how she just listened, intending to listen, providing me with that safe space. I wanted to just pull her from the screen and give her the biggest hug.

I know everything happens for a reason and sometimes we don’t always understand why it happens. I know the reason I am writing this today and that is because it is a very special someone’s birthday 12/11. The founder of The Unsealed, who has given people a voice to be heard and listened to. To have the weekly zoom meeting and writing contest. The way you genuinely reach out to every single member. It really is a community so much so that you published books with our pieces in it! You provided a safe space for us to express ourselves and we are so grateful for that. I wish you nothing but the best for you on your special day because you deserve that and so much more. Thank you for everything you do and for allowing us to be a part of your journey. You have gathered like-minded people together and allowed us to express ourselves with the written word. You truly are one of a kind Lauren, happy solar return!