In the realm of whispers, where simple truths twist and turn
Resides the tale of crayons, damaged and yearned.
“They still bring color ” they say, with a glance
Those who have tried know its a flawed dance.

For crayons though vibrant and bold
Struggle, in hands that fail to hold.
The canvas awaits, vast and forgiving
Fragmented pieces make coloring less than living.

Coloring, not painting; the distinction is clear
One wields crayons while the other brushes near.
Yet the challenge endures with these parts
Smooth strokes of joy elude us like lost arts.

Lines appear jagged and hesitant, on our quest
With each tiny fragment causing hues to fade best.
The persists “They still bring color indeed ”
Oh how we long for crayons to succeed.

For isn’t true bliss found in slow glides?
In crayons that smoothly coincide?
Yet from brokenness we learn resilience imbued
Colors emerge despite abuse endured.Well you know when it comes to coloring with crayons it’s not as easy, as using the ones. It’s like a story of never giving up and facing our fears. Actually it could even be seen as a metaphor for more than just coloring.

In both life and coloring those who are broken may still manage to leave their impactful marks.. Lets not pretend that it’s just as simple or fair for everyone. We all have our own challenges and obstacles to overcome, both in our lives and, in our endeavors.

I don’t mean to sound conceited
But now I’m focused on respecting me
I’ve lived my life trying to people please,
Finally done with it, I broke free
I need to respect me
By setting boundaries
Boundaries stronger than Titanium
I need to practice saying no
Saying no to compromise
And stand firm in my beliefs, feelings and healing
I need to practice discernment
Keeping my vulnerabilities away from those
Those who only know how to hurt me
I need to practice patience
That word used to scare me
I used to be so hard on myself for not
Not progressing as fast as others
I need to stop comparing myself
I have my own pace and they have theirs
I need to practice confidence
I need to walk in boldness and grace
Like a Lioness with pride in her prowess
Stomping on the skulls of what used to haunt me
Terrorizing my sleep, making me drowsy
So I can’t live to my full potential with this chronic fatigue
Afraid to sleep because the girl I saw
Seemed to be impossible to be,
So I shut her out to have depression keep me company
I thank my Father for pushing me and encouraged to fight
So i take my sword paired with my shield
Decimating the lies that the demons wield
Their voices no longer linger in my brain
All because I fought without restrain
I wont tolerate what I don’t deserve.
I need to take care of me
So I have the capability to be a blessing to others
I need to put my healing first,
So I don’t bleed on the ones who didn’t cut me.
I need to trust myself,
So I can discern who I can or cannot trust.
I need to respect myself,
So I can respect those I love that surround me.
So that way I’m not plagued by hypocrisy.

On various classic episodes of The Simpsons, Homer’s adventure of the week will sometimes become his lifelong dream, only for Marge to tell him that his lifelong dream was something different entirely and say that he’s already done it.

Example: In Colonel Homer (1992), Homer becomes the manager of a country/western starlet named Lurleen Lumpkin (voiced by guest actor Beverly D’Angelo) and proclaims that it’s been his lifelong dream. Marge’s retort: “Your boyhood dream was to eat the world’s biggest hoagie, and you did it at the county fair last year. Remember?”
Anyway, I bring this up because yesterday, I had my annual meeting with my home health aid and her supervisor, during which time the topic of lifelong dreams came up. I mentioned that my lifelong dream has been to attend an event at the Rose Bowl Stadium in Pasadena.

My home health aid wondered if there were any events held at that venue aside from the Rose Bowl Game on New Year’s Day, to which I mentioned that the stadium is also UCLA’s home stadium for football and that they have flea markets in the stadium parking lots every so often (according to Google, the next Rose Bowl Flea Market is scheduled to take place in March.)

Now, make no mistake: Although I want to attend an event at the Rose Bowl, by no means am I interested in attending a flea market. I want to see a game there. Every time I see a telecast of a sporting event from that stadium, it takes me back to the times I was a bright-eyed little boy watching the Rose Bowl Game on ABC with Keith Jackson on the call.

It’s my hope that one day, this lifelong dream turns into reality.

Note: I wrote this last New Years day. I found and re-read it yesterday and realized that in part that my prayer was answered. Some of it is still in the process of being answered.

As we close the curtain on 2022 and pull back the curtains to a bright, new you I don’t know what to expect. I couldn’t have imagined 2022 going the way it did, so please forgive my anxious anticipation, and please know that it is also mixed with an excitement and enthusiasm to reset and begin again.

I pray that I change, heal, and progress throughout the year. I pray that you teach me the lessons God knows I need to learn to be who He has created me to be. I pray that you are a gentle teacher full of compassion, kindness, “I love yous” and and “I’m sorrys.” I hope this year is full of adventures, full of laughter and love, and that it is surrounded with healthy friendships that continually call us both to excellence and holiness.

Most importantly I want to strengthen my relationship with God, to listen to his voice, to trust and rely on Him fully in every moment and to give Him everything.

I ask for protection for my………
Mind
Heart
Soul
Body
Friends
Family
Home

in the upcoming year. Deliver us Lord from every temptation, evil, danger and/or harm that the enemy could imagine. Make us holy.

2023 you have large shoes to fill. I know the Lord has given you a big purpose to fulfill. I know that the Lord is just a step ahead of me–He’s already in 2023 dealing with each trial, making a message out of a mess and guiding my footsteps. And so I dare to follow Him wholeheartedly into the unknown, into the heart of you–2023. Welcome 2023! I can’t wait to see what you have in store.

Sincerely,

Within the corridors, where the echoes gradually fade
There lies a hidden torment silently made.
In the minds of those who strive and push
Exist battles that few truly recognize.

Amongst the books and academic commotion
Deep shadows lurk, a hush, in motion.
For college souls burdened and weary
Depressions hold becomes a cloak to carry.

Assignments pile up expectations soar
Yet within storms rage and hearts deeply sigh.
Smiles become faint behind veils they wear
Concealing pain that’s far from being clear.

Isolation hides within spaces grand
Loneliness conceals itself with a friendly hand.
Lost in the whirlwind of ceaseless days pace
Depression whispers its message in ways.

Craving solace amidst a crowds embrace
Unheard cries and emotions shrouded with grace.
Yearning for light to pierce through the gloom
In this labyrinth searching for a room.

Oh college hearts! Burdened and fragile you may be
Your struggles remain unseen behind your veil so free.
Know this; in darkness glimmers shall rise,
Guiding you beyond murky skies disguise.

Reach out! Let voices break through the nights hold tight
And find strength and light together as one might.
For, in shared burdens healing can be found profound
And through empathys embrace hope can truly abound.

Within the depths of this disguise
I find solace away from my cries.
This fabric cloak shields me from prying eyes
Hiding scars I keep hidden from the skies.

“Do you feel a chill?” they kindly inquire,
Unaware of the burning soul within my fire.
In this jacket I quietly confide,
The secrets of battles where emotions collide.

Beneath these layers lies a map of pain
Each moment etched on skin that couldn’t be restrained.
Hidden cuts and scars silently plead,
Visible, to me marking my need.

Each thread and stitch that holds it tight
Creates a refuge where judgment takes flight.
Shielding these scars with an embrace so strong
Concealing the struggle in a space where it belongs.

So when they ask, “Are you feeling cold my dear?”
I offer them a smile despite my fear.
This colossal jacket seems like attire
But beneath its surface it veils my desires.

Loving yourself is not easy
Thinking about it makes me dizzy.
My head spirals like the wind
I think about what could have been
Would my love for myself be different if I had not let society’s opinion take me on this tailspin?
I wish I were a dog
Not remembering their last internal sin.
Giving myself love should not be difficult
But my happiness does not come from within!
Relying on others for my happiness will never allow me to feel that “win”
All it does is cause me to throw my accomplishments into the trash bin
However, it’s never too late to recycle
Recognizing where I have been.
Self-love is hard
But life is like a sport
Always giving you a chance to get that comeback win
Before I throw my accomplishments in the bin
Not remembering where I have been
I certainly will remember this poem and its satisfaction.
I love myself because I know I can win!

Hello in there, is your head working yet? Here just take another pill.
For breakfast every morning I have a colorful array of meds.
Just so I can fit in, I hate it I really do. don’t worry here’s another pill to cheer you up, one to keep u from your nightmarish dreams. One to stay awake, one for pain, another to be in a. Good mood, one to make you stay in a good mood. but it might take a few meds to find the right one
My mind feels perfectly fine.
Another appointment? Let’s change it up. A few MG’s up a few down.
Are you ready for another round
Ya, I’m down.
I hear a sound. Let’s wing it this timeIt’ll be fine, You’ll feel so much better. You might even get a little thinner.
Who knows, the sky’s the limit! That’s the ticket, keep on taking them they’ll keep on making em.
Addicting those that are weak, and seem to only seek The ones they can critique….

I was asked why I loved myself.
Hmm, that’s a good question.
Could it be because of how well I play with the cards that have been dealt?
How I managed to cure myself of depression?
How I chosen to turn every loss into a lesson?
Maybe the compassion I have, not only for others but also for myself?
You’d think that I’d be put first in that previous sentence but, I’ve just recently learned how to give myself grace.

I love how big my heart is.
So big that I’ve allowed it to misguide me at times.
I’ve allowed people to break it plenty of times.
But I love that, no matter how many times it broke, I chose to pick up the pieces and heal them on my own.
I love my optimism and my willingness to be open-minded.
Seeing the glass half full & being open to all possibilities has kept me together.
If it weren’t for that, my life would be completely different.

I love & embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly within myself, because if I don’t, how can someone else?
Don’t get me wrong, some people will love you no matter how much or little you love yourself.
But the ones who don’t, are the manifestations of your internal reality.
All based on how you believe you’re perceived in this world.
So I choose to love myself because that’s what love is.
Choosing to put effort into committing to the relationships in your life
No matter how difficult it may be

Love is choosing to accept the people in your life for all that they are.
And letting go of trying to control things you cannot
I cannot control the people that have tried to make me hate myself.
I can only see how little love they may have for themselves & show compassion.
And so I choose to do the same for myself.
I choose to accept & love all of myself
Because I am so ever deserving of it.

You’re Confident
You’re Beautiful
You’re Loving
You’re Kind
This beautiful heart that has developed
To care about individuals as much as you do
The confidence you truly found in you
I’m proud and love the woman I’ve become
It took me a long time to get here
You’re a queen
You’re a goddess
You are it
No one can take this away from you
You made it Vision
You love you
You don’t doubt yourself anymore
You believe in you
I love who you have grown into
A true Vision of Love

My body,
What do you think of when I say that phrase ?

Do you cringe in disgust or feel a deep praise?

Whichever side you find yourself on the line..
let me tell you about mine, and how an injury to my spine..

Completely changed the way that I lived life,
I’m grateful to be a father, because my surgeons weren’t sure if I could give life,

Even though it’s uncomfortable I’m thankful for this steel wear,
because the alternative, was being 23 in a wheelchair,

This shit got on my nerves,
especially after finding out that I had nerve damage,
I wasn’t disabled but definitely at a disadvantage.

I had to change my vantage point, and be thankful that my joints and tendons and bones-
overcame their adversity to reclaim my home.

My body.

the only place I know I get to live in,

I need to start honoring it and begin to forgive it.
There’s things I deal with but maybe you’re different,

Maybe you can’t help that you have a genetic diagnosis,
my heart shatters for every woman with endometriosis.

Maybe you have anxiety and depression,
maybe you carry an epipen and dread the day you need to press it.

Or maybe you suffer from Disphormia, or anorexia,

Or adhd, austism, dyslexia

But then again
Maybe you’ve never felt sexier,
Do your eyes turn to stone when you pass by a mirror,
But please open them and to see yourself clearer.

Seek out , don’t turn the other cheek baby let your cheeks out!
Let your freak out,

Speak out, no! speak up
to your body and give it praises,
cuz even if you despise it, each day it still raises..

you… out of your bed.

So , get of your head if you can, because just like you, the rest of us are doing the best we can.

But i get it, not feeling in love with yourself.

Man I really use to be in incredible shape,
Then I got injured and really struggled with my weight,
I would starve my self and would hate what I ate ,
I could feel judging eyes removing things from my plate.

But now I’ve accepted that I no longer need to be that athlete, my varsity days are over, I’m not going to the track meet,

I don’t need to complete great athletic feats anymore,
just want to play with and pick up my son,

I need to be thankful for what my body can do right now, rather than miss out on what it’s already done,

Why are we so concerned with the way we look rather than the way we feel,
we put our bodies through so much pain and never allow them to heal.

Also,
Let me just shout out to all the mothers!
Because you should love your body more than all the others,

So what ? you may have stretch marks, those battle scars makes you look more womanly,
you are everything that a man couldn’t be !

For you did the most physically demanding thing there is and gave birth.
A woman’s body is the most powerful thing on earth!

Your body has gone through a lot it’s changed I understand, but please, don’t hate your body for what it can’t do, and love it for what it can.

I was in awe of the whimsies and romance.
I yearned for my art to comfort and soothe;
For my art to hold the listener’s hearthurt the way my hearthurt was held,
For my art to share imagery with songs of love,
To create beauty in death as he created it.

I wanted to be Hozier, but I have to be Poe, first.

I have to walk through my Inferno to reach such actualization.
My shadow still screams. Still cries.
Pieces of my younger self scattered in nine circles.

I have to talk to her and make peace with her.
I have to parent her.
I have to hold her.
I have to become one with her once more.

I will blood, guts, and gore my way through,
Just as the horrors led my way in.
The girl that wants to scream will scream and
Embrace the gross and the weird and the upset.

I will not become my own betrayer, no. So,
I am no longer my own betrayer, mine own Nth circle.
Treachery at mine own hands, no more.

Dear Unsealers,
I came up with an analogy to describe a battle with anxiety, I hope one can read this and feel less alone in their battles, or better yet, it will not resonate with you.

What every therapist tells you sounds a lot like stop, drop, and roll.
Firemen say that when there is an urgent flame upon you.
When you get anxious,
A therapist will tell you:
“Breathe, look around you, and slow down.”
But it’s easy when a fireman tells you the 3 simple steps.
You see the problem,
you put the flame out,
and you double check while on the floor.
But when in a panic attack;
You are already breathing too much,
looking around, you see everything inciting the anxiety to begin with.
And when you slow down,
You see how tired you really are.
Tired of putting out the flame,
every day,
every night,
only for it to reappear again and again.
Like a video game;
Bleep, bleep,
You lost five points.
You touched the fire ball.
And yet the whole time, you are repeating the steps.
“Karen, where did I go wrong this time?”
“I breathed!”
“I saw three colors!”
“I slowed down!”
“But then why am I burned?”
“Why am I covered in ash
Am I supposed to turn into a phoenix?”
“Or is the smoke clouding my vision?”
“That must be it
When I breathe the smoke is ingested to my lungs,
when I look around it’s all in dust,
when I slow down,
the flame engulfs me.”
“Haha, thanks Karen,
now I can’t feel anything.”
Numb to the fire.
Numb to the pain.
Now I’m just ash,
Watch me drift away.

Chasing, pacing, racing
Only in my dreams
I want so bad to see them come true
But I haven’t come to terms with seeing it thru my desires and wants take second stage
To the battle that is everyday
Someday I hope I can make them happen
Glory day, I hope and pray for my time to come
Though It lasts just a second
And then it ends…
it’s already written

Dear Unsealers,

I often fall into bouts of deep melancholy and sadness when I think about my life prior to coming out. I’ve learned that expressing my feelings immediately through poetry prevents me from sliding into a longer state of depression. I write, I cry, and I liberate the feelings from my mind. This has helped me so much over the last two years, it has literally saved my life.

Yesterday it happened again, and here is the result of my catharsis as I thought about my partner and all he has brought into my life. Thank you.

DEEP WATERS

You pulled me out of sadness

Like a fish caught on a hook

Loving me is all it took

Though the struggle was madness

Without will, without purpose

Your strength was a taut lifeline

As I drowned in my tears’ brine

And was pulled to the surface

Now I sit on our live’s pier

Letting sunlight dry my skin

And with your love, then begin

To breathe again warm summer air

Even now sometimes i have my moments
Moments where i feel like
I’m gonna fall apart
Can’t let it consume me
Let it go
Breathe just breathe
You’ve come so far
To go back
I know it hurts
You cry when you don’t want to
It’s trying to release
He’s gone
Your dad is gone
In the wind
You severely question
How can he not love you
Not be there for their for you
To still have breath in your lungs
But alas be gone
I never thought you would leave me again father
Why don’t you want me
When i am made up of half of your DNA
I can’t even say i hate you
I Love you Dad
But i have to let you go
You abandoned me
Came back
Left again
Came Back
Left again
Why come if you never intended to stay
Leave
You can’t be the reason
Theirs’s no peace
I will always love you
I have to live
To explore
Without a painful memory of you
Here is our long distance goodbye

Loneliness, a friend of mine

They keep me company, they take my time

They visit often and stay too long

They whisper dark things, sing sad songs

They drink along and share my glass

Thus wishing that our time won’t pass

Loneliness, the jealous type

They shun the social scene and hype

Prefers to keep me in my room

To make my mind a heavy tomb

Of grey-scale thoughts, of shadowed dreams

And feed me lethargy in reams

If I reach out or you reach in

My friend’s departure will begin

And pull me to the Sun and light

They’re only gone when when you’re in sight