8 years ago today I defended my Master’s Thesis at the University of Kentucky, titled:

Healthy Reintegration: The Effectiveness of Military Teen Adventure Camp Participation of Adolescent Perceptions of Self-efficacy

I remember the day vividly, I was a nervous wreck, standing in front of a room full of people with my insecurities—believing that somehow everyone witnessing was somehow smarter or better than me.

If I could speak to that version of me at 25, I would tell her that you are enough today and you will only continue to get better. You will go on to complete a PhD at a R1 institution (Florida State University) defending one on many Goliath’s in your life (dissertation) during the onset of covid—against all odds. Ignore the disempowerment and doubt including, the words from your thesis advisor, “If you keep writing like this, Florida State will never accept you into their PhD program”. (Academia really has a unique way of shattering any bit of confidence you have).

I would tell her that being from the south or from a perceived “less than” background won’t hold you back—it is your perceived lack that will fuel your drive to finish whatever you start. It will fuel you to put yourself out there. It will fuel you to leave your comfort zone. It will fuel you to never quit. It will empower your relationship and reliance on God. So run your race boldly and well — you lack nothing and God is always with you (Deut. 31:8)

#chaseyourdreams

The Matrix

I wake up like I never went to bed.
Sleep is upon my open eyes,
yet they are glazed and scarlet red.
I don’t remember what happened yesterday,
nor do I have a semblance of what the day holds.
I schedule my life out to stop the mind decay.
I sip my coffee until I realize for two hours it’s been cold.
I glance around myself,
“When did I put that picture on my wall?”
“Did I put it together or buy that bookshelf?”
Sometimes I wonder if there’s someone I could call?
But for everyone living their lives,
going to school, work, home, sleep-
It really wouldn’t make sense to hear my cries.
I can’t remember how my mind got so deep.
How I can’t recollect moving into this apartment.
I know I pay for bills, electric and such,
I have a garage that has my car now with a dent,
I mean I remember that much.
I used to go to college,
I had a friend, I think.
But school never taught me a good message.
I always felt blue and everyone was pink,
like I had a mask.
I was so perfect, smart and happy,
but at home, there was always a panic attack waiting for me,
a part no one could, nor would ever see.
Somehow I stopped driving to college.
I had several jobs and goals,
yet I couldn’t find my true meaning or message.
Outside I seemed successful with my methods and morals,
but it seems there’s a part of my soul left behind,
somewhere along moving out and now,
I lost my mind.
Either that or the matrix has me now under its hold.
Somedays I feel the grass under my feet,
and other times
I can’t even look at myself without wanting to retreat.
Cause somewhere along the lines,
I lost me,
and I don’t think I can get her back.
Somewhere on the other side of the root and the tree,
ss the life of that little girl I now lack.
God, I just want to wake up sometimes
without shocking myself with my own touch.
To not wonder If I committed any crimes,
cause my hands are calloused and rough,
From something I can’t even remember,
or can even give a second thought.
When I go to sleep at night
It’s with dread and regret,
that I have no idea what happened in this fight.
But what can you do as you watch the sun set,
It’s the matrix.
Maybe one day,
someone will come and it will all be,
fixed.

Hi readers my name is c o r t n e y v a l l e. I’m 33 years old I was born and raised in the country in the state of Michigan. No I don’t remember most of my childhood when I got older I was always a problem child to my family everybody else love me but my family couldn’t stand me. When I hit the stage of being able to date and go out with people I always ended up with the wrong ones. Then I found out as I got older that my family was paying for me to be with these wrong people and to get into these situations so that I would never succeed so that I wouldn’t see my riches that I was entitled to that they robbed me from. My second marriage that I had just failed and there was a lot going on behind the scenes and I realized that they paid the man to marry me he was supposed to kill me and then he fell in love with me. He was a warlock and he was also the head of a Freemasonry group in Michigan.on top of that he had four relationships going on that I did not know what the time when I married him he was already with a woman that had kids in Chicago and then he had a man behind the scenes and another man and so basically my whole marriage was just a lie but my parents paid for that to happen so that I could feel worthless but it didn’t work. I was also supposed to be dead because they filed a false life insurance policy on me and my family was involved with him and that as well. There’s also a fox car insurance policy that was involved and there’s also money taken from somebody else that was in hundreds of thousands of dollars that I had nothing to do with but they signed my name on it and so that it’s being investigated as we speak. What I wanted to share was what people could be aware of when this happens you’re not crazy if your life’s going in a cycle and you can’t figure out why you’ve been married like three or four times you don’t need mental health medication chances are that you’ve been being watched and stocked for a long period of time.when you keep seeing the same cars drive by you over and over again it’s not just a coincidence it’s people that are watching you. When you’re on social media and you get all these fake accounts like hey you know I want to give you a free reading or hey you know I would like to date you and it’s these fancy people they’re not real they’re false accounts trying to set you up for failure. I made the mistake of feeling bad for a guy that needed money for his kids online and come to find out it ended up being my mom and my mom was involved with that and then that’s what she used to take my kids away saying that I was making unhealthy choices so she knew what she was doing the whole time. Be very careful with the people that are closest to you and be very careful with how much information you give them because they like to ruin relationships when you finally do get that bus relationship they want to know what you’re doing when you’re doing who’s doing what because they want Total control they’re narcissist personalities and they’re very toxic.I haven’t figured it out yet but I do think that my mom might about my childhood as well who my parents were or something happened to death or something and they tried to cover it up by making me do meditation and shoving pills in my throat. No going from gamestop to the smear campaigns basically I would try to get it job and it didn’t matter if the job was at McDonald’s or at the hospital or where it was I would only last one or two months and then I would be fired and then I will feel horrible about myself but come to find out looking at what I looked at then now she smear campaign this whole town and talked horrible about me and said horrible things to people so that I could not obtain a job because she didn’t want me to succeed because she didn’t want me to have what was entitled to me success and wealth. So like I said I had a hard time finding jobs when I did find jobs didn’t work and I ran my own business and for the first three years it was fine and I couldn’t figure out why but now that I think about it it was about 8 years ago she had something to do with that too she probably is me or campaign the people that I was cleaning for said something bad about the business somebody’s actually done something bad on my business name and I don’t know who don’t care God’s going to deal with that but yeah I was notified that somebody had tried to use my cleaning company and just use it to rip other people off online with PayPal or something. She has a demon and energy in her that I cannot handle that it makes it very hard for me to stay here which is why I’m getting my own place tomorrow but I wanted to be with my kids everyday and so I was thankful for that but at the same time they just talk down on you they talk horrible about you and I don’t say anything cuz I learned that when you’re in this situations sometimes silence is golden.so after I couldn’t obtain a job and all the smear campaigns happened and all this happened and then the online person that she knew was doing what he did and took the money was set up then she took my kids away and I haven’t been able to obtain custody of my children since there was no reason for the judge to take them other than the fact that she said CPS said that there was no reason for them to take them but yet here she is with the kids. And she says things and does things around my kids for them to hate me and yes I did leave for 2 years but I left because of the toxicity my children will understand that but she had no business doing what she did nor did Hillsdale county courthouse and the attorneys and also the people that filed the false documents on the house and the property and everything else that they’ve done to me over the years.so basically ever since 4 years ago when she took the house and then took the money and took the kids and all that happened I haven’t been able to obtain housing because it was during covid and housing was really scarce now apartments are opening up but I really want a house and I know God’s going to provide for me but this is a struggle that I’ve been going through you’re not alone it’s called gang stalking and smear campaign so most of the time if you’re not using drugs and alcohol and you’re trying to obtain a job and you just can’t so you’re not alone if you’ve been trying to obtain a job and you just can’t keep the job or and you’re not using drugs and alcohol or if things are happening that shouldn’t be happening it’s because you somebody has been gang stalking and smear campaigning you since you’ve been born. And I’m kind of pissed because today she said at the bank that her husband needs a new truck and everything and I know exactly where that money came from it was stolen money that was never there and hit part of their inheritance but it makes me mad because she’s got all this stuff and then she wants to talk crap about me knowing we’ll what she did. So so here I am about to get an apartment that she found that again it was picked out and it’s orchestrated so everybody knows where it’s going to be now because she has a lot of f****** mouth and doesn’t shut up because that’s what she does and I’m sure that the job that I get if I get the job that I want it won’t be very long because it’ll be ruined too but you know here’s the thing God said that he’s tired of this now that I know what’s happening and I see what’s happening I’ve taken authority over that and I’m not giving her my energy anymore. She literally left me for Dead and that’s sad that I’m mother whatever do that and then nobody thought that I would ever catch on to this American pain and they just thought that I would give up and then I wouldn’t be dead and or I would be this homeless worthless person and they could just keep running all over me and taking advantage of me no I’m sorry money is the root of all evil and you all are going to pay for every single thing that you’ve taken from me whether it’s been little or big I don’t care I am entitled to certain things and so that’s why I’m at life right now I’m taking back what was mine and should have not been taken. So keep following me on here cuz I’m going to keep updating you guys on what happens in my life and what God’s doing for me. Thank you for listening love you all.

Once again//I lay awake,
Light passes through dark stained glass skin,
A mirror, a chisel, a key,
The door behind swings open,
And why should I not have that which I desire?
I trace her steps.
//
My amethyst heart pounds violently as I maneuver through corridors of crystal,
Glassy tears break into marble pieces/my feet don’t bleed from shards,
I stare down at the marble Staircase in the Glass Castle,
Statuesque like meter in the frame,
And it was beautiful.
//
Never more/I fall asleep
The ugly lustre of my body devours the room,
A reflection, a thought, an emotion,
I close the door behind by me,
I know not what I desire when my body desires my mind,
I return to the room.

At my worst, it’s felt like I’ve been swimming through my molasses. The storm has passed, yet fog remained. Echoes blurred the vision of an aimless vagabond.

I cannot see; still, I love my eyes

My veins are celluloid,
My skin is made of wood,
I kept along the lighting fires,
Trying to get rid of myself.
Wake a little skin for the shredder,
Fill the basket with my pieces,
If I walk in the wind,
I’ll just be carried away,
Take me to the stars so I may be light,
I know not what you want of me in this life,
Flax off in pieces; I’ll be paper today/
& I just need a little water to grow up
& I just need a little sunshine to grow up

To the Beauties reading this note,

Following your dreams… Now this was always some quite the controversy in my house growing up. One parent stating you need to dream big the world is your oyster–the other saying you do not want to dream too big otherwise you will get left behind. Now I am writing to you all to say live for you. That’s what I am in the midst of doing. I started with the bare thinking I could not do much more than being a student and going to school; however, in my time away I learned I should have always listened to what the first parent told me. Keeping my identity low as I do not want to cause any fusses in the midst of the beginning: I have so many dreams that I can not wait for all of them to see.
Do not be afraid to express who you are!
Sometimes it takes going away to see the light at the end of it all.
If you feel afraid: know I am in your corner.
I love each and everyone of you.
May you all walk through this world with the blessings you each deserve.

Have you ever tried surfing before? Or let’s just be honest, attempted to surf before?

Whether or not you’ve actually squeezed into a skin-tight wetsuit and waxed up your surfboard, if you’re an entrepreneur, then you’re surfing every day!

The dream of catching that perfect wave is what drives us to do better, work harder, and get up earlier. We’d rather fight for every inch than be given a mile.

I embarked on the journey of entrepreneurship 10 years after becoming completely blind. At 17 years old, I unexpectedly lost my eyesight. By 27, I didn’t feel much like being put in a mold of what a “blind person” should do. No, I said screw that… I’m launching my very own travel agency!

Better Days Travel was my pride and joy, my perfect wave for 7 years! Now, that perfect wave took work, a ridiculous amount of work indeed, but I loved every minute of it! Well, sort of.

Like a surfer just beginning to paddle out into the waves, my journey as a travel agent was one wave after another, constantly crashing, pushing me back towards shore. Just as soon as I’d come up for air out of the thick whitewater caused by the crashing wave, another one would hit.

Yeah, eventually I’d make it out to the break, catch a sweet wave, but soon that wave would crash, and I’d be right back fighting to catch another.

But I realized something vitally important about choosing to be an entrepreneur…

You don’t choose this path because you’re looking for a shortcut. You didn’t choose this path because you had no other option. Hell no! You chose this because this is part of living! It’s not about a paycheck on Friday; it’s about a company built, a brand established, a customer made happy, and the satisfaction at the end of the day that you get to wake up and do it all over again tomorrow!

I may no longer be a travel agent, but I sure still am an entrepreneur, surfing every single day!

In a town where promises are plenty and the government hands out aid,
A question echoes softly, under the shade.
“Why try hard, why aim high, when help is just a call away?
Why bother with the struggle, if you’re okay day by day?”

The government says, “We’ll help you, keep you safe and fed,
You won’t need to worry, we’ve got your back,” they said.
But this kindness has a shadow, a kind of hidden chain,
It keeps you in your place, with not much to gain.

“Why go for the mountain,” some wonder, “when the valley’s just fine?
Why face the storm, when you can just recline?”
Because in that easy comfort, there’s a trap so sly,
It tells you, “Don’t bother,” and time just passes by.

But some folks aren’t buying, they want to chase their own dream,
Not just live on handouts, or so it would seem.
They talk about doing things, making their own way,
Not just taking what’s given, but having their say.

They gather in the streets, their voices loud and brave,
“We want to earn our keep, not just quietly behave.”
For freedom and the chance to chase what they deem sweet,
To work hard for their wins, and not just take a seat.

So why aim for something bigger, why try to break free?
It’s about making your own path, as far as I can see.
Not just going with the flow, but steering your own boat,
And in that hard-earned journey, you’ll have your own note.

So let’s not be fooled by an easy ride, bought and sold,
But aim for the horizon, with courage bold.
The road might be rougher, and the climb can be steep,
But in that effort, you’ll find a joy so deep.

15 and pregnant to a monster all because I was trying to escape the pain of my horrific childhood of emotional, mental, and sexual abuse. I allowed myself to get manipulated and trapped time and time again. Even though I was the last person everyone thought would get pregnant including myself, it happened and everyone told me I was messing up my life but I tell you what. Having my kid was my saving grace and likely changed my path for the better. Yes, I continued to make many terrible and embarrassing mistakes along the way but I would come out strong and rise above all that attempted to pull me down into the trenches. I moved from house to house and tried to date after leaving his biological father to find myself with the wrong types over and over again and creating situations for myself that would only destroy me and my son if I allowed it to. I got accepted to modeling and I couldn’t afford my portfolio. I considered joining the Air Force and couldn’t imagine leaving my son that long for training. I worked dead-end jobs over and over and then I gave up, again. I felt defeated. I started thinking, maybe they were right. I worked in a pizzeria with a pedophile boss who would later make the news. But then finally, I would meet a group of people who would help me see my true and worthy self. They didn’t see me as a person young and dumb but encouraged me to keep going and to fight for my future; our future (with my son). So, I did just that. I no longer entertained the idea of needing a man to make my family complete. Instead, I worked full-time as a bartender, went to college full-time, received public assistance, and was a mom full-time while juggling my personal life. I would meet my husband in college, get pregnant twice, then get married. That’s 3 boys and a husband with a college degree! Now I am an office manager of 13 years, and I own my home. I never thought this would ever be my life. Our oldest (27) is getting married to his high school sweetheart of the 9th grade in August (no kids), our middle son (20) is graduated and figuring out his path in life (no kids) and our baby son (17) is a senior in high school, no kids. My point is, I have had more trauma, pain, and disappointment than anyone should have so young. It started in my mother’s womb and carried on for far too long and then I allowed more along the way until I snapped out of the cycle and said no more. I will not allow this to be my life. I deserve and want better. I had a support system and I had dreams. While some of my dreams didn’t happen ultimately my big dream did. All because I didn’t give up and continued chasing my dreams. Mike Tyson said “I’m a dreamer. I have to dream and reach for the stars, and if I miss a star then I grab a handful of clouds.” My dream, my ultimate dream; health, family, success, love, support, respect, compassion, and understanding. I may have not been able to grab one star and I know I reached for the handful of clouds but boy I tell ya. I have all the stars in the universe right here with me!

DREAM BIG IS WHAT I SAY
TO GET ME THROUGH THE DAY
TRYING NEW THINGS
NEW EXPERIENCES
ENJOYING EVERYTHING
IN MY PATH
ALONG THE WAY

DREAM BIG
FROM THE MINUTE I AWAKE
THROUGH THE WHOLE DAY
UNTIL THE TIME I GO TO BED

VISIONS OF WHAT I WANT
THEN BRINGING THEM TO LIFE
ALWAYS LOOKING TO HAVE FUN

DREAM BIG TODAY
DREAM BIG TOMORROW
DREAM BIG ALWAYS