For most of my life I have smothered myself beneath the ideals of others.
These expectations pushed me into boxes where I did not fit, but I tried to contort and carve away at myself to appease the “rules.”
I thought if I broke them, I would be broken. They were unyielding, so I yielded my will to their commands.

And then one day I stretched out of my box. I worried what others would think, what would become of me, what of the people who were depending on me to be “the good girl” they knew?
But as I stretched, I discovered that parts of my heart were sore.. and some were so weak from lack of use. So much of myself had remained unseen and untested in my box, and do I decided to slowly explore.

I began to see that the ideals I’d chased–
Perfect job, perfect shape
Perfect family, perfect place–
Weren’t what I really wanted.
The fact was, I didn’t know what I really wanted!
But even still, letting go of them was so hard.
Allowing myself to change my expectations was met with a lot of internal resistance.
It was easier in my box, safer.
Don’t make a mess, don’t rock the boat.

But would I ever be happy living someone else’s life? Someone else’s idea of “perfect?”

Dear Me,
I hope you know that YOU are ideal. Right now. As you are.
You don’t have to measure up to anyone’s imaginary lines on the wall. Life isn’t about how tall you are, how skinny, how fat. Life isn’t about collecting diplomas or six figure incomes. Life isn’t about what your family looks like, how many rooms are in your house.

Take up the space you need to. Even when you want to shrink yourself down.
See your beauty, inside and out. Even when the world spins negative commentary on how you look.
Value the lessons you’ve learned, and the ones that will come. Even when conventional school might not be your route.
Know that you do not need another person to complete you. Hold on to the hope that you will find someone whole, who will see you as whole, too.

When I picture you, I don’t see specific features or physical parameters that I need to meet. Life hacks or goal markers that I have to achieve by certain deadlines. Instead I feel a sense, a reassurance that you are someone who has let go of the weight of measuring up. Someone who makes choices based on kindness and light and love, not for the applause of the world.. but of the people around you. The ones who know that you are worthy of love now, not after passing tests or checking off requirements.

There is no standard of perfection. You are perfection. Simply YOU.

Love, Me.

The plan…the
what..
should have. could have
been type of plan…

And here we sit—
as none of that
exists these days.

The plan..
That life
Those goals.
Who are we—
you—
me—
…now?

Kill it with kindness
they say.
But where has that
gotten me?

30 on 30
The Golden Year
or so I’m told—
Yet here we
stay—
sit—
stick—
…stuck?

T-
minus..who?
Tried.
Failed.
Had the comeback.
But now…
what?

Who sees you these days
more so nights—
sitting alone
on rocks—
in oceans—
under moons?

Keep it together…
they—
it—
those—
remind you.

Golden.

T-…
minus..who?
me?
you?
us?

30 on 30
1/3rd down
…or so they say.
Deep breaths—
in—
out.
Sit. Be.

30 on 30 was the
supposed to be.
So
We—
flip the script.

And now
we have a
new plan.

The now. The new. The plan. The story.
And the supposed-to-be
Of being.

Cause age is just a number
As so is the rest of life
and beings.

And nothing is
unless you
want it to be.

And nothing was.
unless you
need it to be—
too.

30 on 30 looks different
this time
around..yet a blessing in
that disguise.

Here I am—
watch
me
go.

Cheers to me.
..wish you well.
—xoxo A

Hey pal,

It’s the first snow of November, and you happened to cross my mind. It’s nice to know you’re still kicking. I’m proud of you. You did it! You overcame the hurdles and made sure you used those boots! I know you must still be hurting from wearing them every day. I know I am. I want you to know it’s okay. Those mistakes you made helped you get to where you are right now. You shouldn’t beat yourself up so much. I’m still your best friend. There’s no need to isolate yourself. I’m glad you put the beer down and bought the house. I feel a sense of fulfillment knowing you exist. I see you in my mind every day and aspire to be you. You’re who I’ve always wanted to be when I grew up.
I’m almost 30 now, but I’m still making some of the same mistakes. You’d be proud to know I’m on my way to you and what I’ve always wanted. Thanks for being patient. I feel like I can hold your hand. I can feel your existence and the sweet aroma of what is you. You can stop trying to be perfect now. I hope you never forget this moment. It’s okay to feel that hunger to grow continuously. You strive; that’s our thing. There will always be more, but that doesn’t mean that what you have right now is less. Smell the air, bask in it. We did it. If I haven’t said it today, I love you.