To my ideal self,

Ideally,
I would like for you to be the real me.
By any means necessary even if I kill me.
I refuse to be another person written down in history.
Due to the fact that I didn’t take these mental issues seriously.
The fact that I’ve been getting stupid fucked by the system.
The fact that the people I work with simply just want to kill me.

Because the color of my skin.
“My friend, my friend”
That’s how it start off.
Until well, shit hits the fan.

On the other hand, relationships has been the death of me.
“You a lover don’t pretend, family is in your destiny.”
But I won’t lie I think the last person took what’s left of me.
“That’s no excuse, I’ve seen you love and u do it effortlessly.”

It’s confusing.
I just want love
warmth
You know that
I show that
Even if at times I do begin to hold back.

From being honest.
From being true.
From being me
From being you.

What am I hurting for? Why am I suffering?
Do you doubt anything? Do you want to run from me?

Because every time I reach out to touch your soul —

My hands start burning.
Not like the boy who flew too close to the sun.
You never gave me any warning.

I — just want to get to you

Spiritually,
who I am now I wasn’t meant to be.
I’m mimicking,
everything inside and everything I’ve seen.
I’m genuinely,
changing everything because chemically –
I’m starting to produce more for us, like dopamine.

Mentally,
If I get it right, you might not sentence me.
To years captivated in my brain replaying history.
Of all the things I was afraid to change, to not be bitter me.
Because the unknown wasn’t worth me finding my inner peace.

I’ll lose my mind anyway, if I don’t lose my head first.
Living in this world has been a blessing and a curse.
I get it, I get it.
The harder I work, the harder I hurt.
The higher I climb, the harder the fall into the dirt.

“But the only way is up for you.”
WHAT IS UP MY DUDE?

When all I feel is d o w n.
Why can’t I just move forward? Why do I have to climb?
Why can’t I crawl, walk or simply take my time?
Why do I have to work so hard to secure you a spot at the top?

What are these Hunger Games that we living in?
That got me questioning myself again.
See how I’m not listening?

To you anymore.

Maybe it’s time that I no longer hold back.
So when I get to you, we won’t ever have to go back.

Right now it’s hard.
It’s getting serious.
I want to be my ideal self.
I’m getting there.
I’m getting help.
I’m getting to you.
So here I come.
It’s your time to shine.
Before my demise I know I’ll make it through.

Well, of course, ideally.
– SRAN