The gears have shifted again. I can hear my mothers voice in my head, remembering that one time on her back porch, deeply desperate and furious at everyone, her words echo like fire on my already gas soaked skin. Your not really mad at us, your mad at yourself. Livid and seething with rage, eighteen plus years later and im finally ready to address that. I had a revelation in the shower, and its hard to write down, because I don’t want to admit it, its easier for me to lash out at everything around me then to sit in my pot of rage and feel it, then process it. On this new path with exhilarating newness, there’s a deeper layer of wounds that I know must be addressed. So again I grab for the pot to puke out the toxins and the ride begins.
I’m angry at times I feel so overwhelmed with multiple defeating thoughts, that I feel as though I cant move like a paralyzed state of mind. My body feels as heavy as lead , while my soul is screaming to find release. I’m angry nobody taught me how to be ok with self, so that every little thing you do outside of me doesn’t crush my state of being. Doesn’t trigger me every time to a state of abandonment. I find myself, in my self made mind prison grasping for anything that would make this ache make sense. Ill feel whole if I had that job, ill feel complete if I had money to create art, to achieve my wardrobe, to buy the name brand shoes. All the while it just adds to the layers, as I get heavier, my movement seems to come to a crawl.
I’m angry. I’m angry at myself for feeling scared about a job, I’m angry because I’m indecisive like running on a treadmill getting no results. Perhaps this is the point, perhaps in Gods infinite wisdom he’s allowing me to finally get to the end of myself. I hate that im overweight, I hate that I’m afraid to get a job, I hate the level of self doubt that troubles me so deeply. I hate that at one point I felt secure and now I don’t. I hate that I feel like I should be doing more but like searching for something in the dark I cannot seem to find rest for my soul. The high has subsided, maybe it was a false high, and this feeling is real, perhaps that’s why I cant wear a mask and dance to this song. Its unknown. Perhaps its yet another layer of dying to self. I hate not knowing how to be ok at times with self, not able to return to old habits that once soothed but now burn immediately, I’m left with self.
Maybe I don’t like me because there’s a deep part of myself that could only love me from an outside source of contentment, and now those ideals and surface level survival traits are no longer available. What do I do? Is it really as simple as being utterly and completely dependent on God? I was at that place of complete abandon and I was so content, I remember inking and saying to God don’t let me leave this place, somewhere deep in side I knew I had to grow up. I don’t want to grow up, I do but I don’t, and I believe the I don’t part stems from fear. Its as if I’m starting another life all over again and I’m pretty sure the anger stems from it being all I’ve ever known to survive. To admit I’m scared to do new things, to make mistakes with a background of so much pain, has kept me stuck.
Theres a part of me, that vaguely remembers my little girl within, she had no one advocating for her, she got ignored and made fun of a lot, so she hardened herself, she observed her surroundings to become like you, she over extended herself to be enough. In the beginning There were things she was never able to obtain, like cool clothing or things to call her own, she shoved those things down because tending to everyone else’s sickness was more important to her than herself. When she got
2 / 2
older it was shoved aside for drugs to mask the deep pain. These things have resurfaced now, and im angry because I cant mask it anymore. I had a deep thought earlier today, while I’m in my head thinking I need to accomplish these things to obtain wholeness, what if I took off my self centered glasses and put them on the night stand for a minute, what if my job right now is in fact exactly what it is that I’m doing, Healing. Im actually doing a job that through generations hasn’t stopped destroying until it ran into me. God had this planned, and he’s provided. Even in times when I feel I don’t have enough, all I must do is trust him. What a higher adaptation of life I live in now, from the spiral haze of survival I used to find comfort in. The freedom satisfaction the gratifying fulfillment of my soul that no longer thirsts. Oh how dry I was. Brittle bones, clawing my way just to hold onto deception that kept me at bay, kept me just enough under water that what I thought was a drink was a slow choke and extinction of a full breath.
Oh but how glorious my light has broken through, oh how marvelous it is that I see, I’ve made it to the other side, and all it took was more of you and less of me. All along trying to push and pull, set the stage, fix the lights, the foundation that so entangled me was set in fear, the chains of bondage ripped my soul, as if hanging by a thread looked easy. What I thought was true love, was warped in your light filled apple that made me its puppet from lack of knowledge and naivety. All along all I had to do was let go, and learn to trust you, all along I just had to release. Oh but how gentle you are, dancing with me the whole time, patient and kind, forgiving and full of love, allowing me personal freedom to fail and get back up again. Unconditional. Believing in me when even I myself had lost sight. Breathing into me, what you’ve always known. The difference now is, because you took off my chains, I’ve put on my dancing shoes and together we sway, because together with you, makes me free to be me.

The year was 1996. Even though the weather was beautiful and there was a certain peace in the air; my nerves were on overload. My heart began racing the minute I decided to try out for my high school Cross Country team.This is the real kicker; I have never ran in my life. I had just transferred to St. Vincent Pallotti High School from Laurel High School. I wanted to be part of a team. More than that I wanted to meet new friends. My dad ran cross country in High School and was good at it. Secretly, I also had a mission to follow in my dads footsteps. The voices in my head were playing devils advocate saying, ” You can’t do this.” ” You have never ran long distances; your going to pass out.” Every negative thought was going through my head as my feet hit the ground!My heart began racing faster as soon as we lined up to start our five mile run. I begin to run; trying to zone every negative thought out. As team members passed me I began to ask my self why am I putting myself through this embarrassment. At this point my stomach is cramping, my legs are sore and I feel like my body is going to limp any minute. Next, I begin to dry heave. Oh no, I hope no one saw that. At this point I just want to quit but then something comes over me. My internal high says, ” You got this.” I came to this challenging course to prove something. Running is more mental than physical! First, I am going to make this team. Next, I am going to win at least one medal for the season and last I am going to gain self confidence where doubting my own ability is not the first thing that comes to my mind. Even though I wanted to give up more than once that day I didn’t. I went on that season to win multiple ribbons, medals and even coaches award. This all came out of a teenage young lady that never ran more than a mile before making the team. Running has stayed part of my family and my life. I am excited to be a Girls on the Run coach for 3rd-5th graders for three years now. My coaching style is a lot like my coach was back in High School. I coach to build up the girls self esteem, to strengthen their endurance, to prepare them for a 5K and above all to teach them a team is like a family. Teams succeed together! I love to inspire my own daughter to believe in her self as well. She is on her second year as a cross country runner. These core beliefs of teamwork, confidence building, hard work ethics and unity would of never came if I gave up back on that sunny day in 1996.

The day my daughter overdosed
on unrestrained nortriptyline,
all thought dispersed like filmy ghosts
afraid of ICU machines.

Six days my haunted vigil stretched
beside her comatose abyss,
devoid of reason, will, or self–
a graveyard for gaunt manuscripts.

Amid the dark recovery
that disinterred cold skeletons,
stiff rhymes became my therapy
and she transformed– reborn a son.

Despite his newfound happiness
and zest for life I’d never seen,
the phantom novel grew abcessed
beneath a stack of poetry.

Our dual awakenings
sloughed off unyielding zombie cauls;
alive with nerve, encores begin–
and now my words earn peer applause.

Is my mind fueling my body,
fumes to stay alive?

A stadium is created,
using the circumference of my skull,
hosting the event is my mind.

Body is weak,
eyes are heavy,
they fall shut right on time.

The event has begun,
front row seats,
observing the race around my psyche.

Lap after lap,
neck to neck,
light vs darkness,
race to the death.

Dwindling fumes,
cause tires to screech,
fragmented pieces,
indicate defeat.

Haunting words echo throughout,
piercing my ears with a shrieking sound.
“I won this race, I always will,
haven’t you learned your lesson, my dear?”

Checkered flag sways to signal the end,
fire ignited from within,
shadows appear out of darkness,
self proclaimed eternal damnation.

Much like a phoenix,
I shall burn,
before rising from the ashes.

For I now understand,
the race against darkness,
is only a race against myself.

I am the light,
I am the shadows,
I am everything in between.

The power to defeat dark forces,
begins with believing –
in me.

I died a long time ago.. My innocents was held hostage and robbed from me. Demolished by a devil in size 12 Nike. Along with my happiness he took years ago. I no longer felt like who but like an object to lust and a thrust.. Night till dawn no one to trust..
Abused broken shattered mind no longer mines … corrupted by negative thought when they should be overwhelmed with positive.. time to relax and unwind. Grew up to soon… virginity swindle by maturity.. There’s a secret in my womb shhhhh don’t tell nobody.

No Where to go to so my secret could no longer stay in me. Prochoice led to years of regrets.. Prisoner in my own body no longer free.. Filled with anxiety.. why can’t i be me young and happy regular youth like all young others … sometimes i regret being me.. I sometimes question why i was made anger in my body filled with rage guilt with not being smarter in my veins.. Snuck in my privacy like a thief in the night… trying to move forward and escape my past … i succeed and then gravity had relations with inertia and there i went.. -10 when i though i found happiness it gets ripped away cause it was there time to live free in paradise.. They were lost in the world filled with unplanned sacrifice. Afraid to be in love with greatness when he is all i deserve and need. Bitter bitch became my middle name but no one knew why i was who i was or how i got there.. Only God can save me and i trust in him.. But my patients was fought by the devil and he played tug a war with my thoughts and dream id barely win.. but i can no longer be overwhelmed with sin..

I gotta stay strong and believe in John 3:16 and psalms 55:22 and Philippians 4:13 if i can’t stay strong for myself who will i have to have will.

Written by Jasmine Tamaklo

“Hold on, even if it means losing your sanity. There’s nothing more beautiful than seeing the strength of someone who can endure the depths of hell, and still remain an angel.”
Holding on during a time where there seems to be no hope can feel like an impossible task, at any point in our lives. It’s learning to live and adapt in less than optimal circumstances and trying to be strong through all of it at the same time. These are the moments no one prepares us for, because no one really can. We all have an idea of what life should be. We all have this image of what we want in life, who we want in life, and who we want to be; but life seems to always have its own plan and way of changing things. Sometimes it’s to teach us new perspectives. Sometimes it’s to teach us the true meaning of strength and in these moments we learn the meaning of perseverance and how to embody that character to survive mentally during all times in our lives. The good and the bad. These are the moments in our lives, which usually start at a younger age, where we learn how to read our surroundings. Where we learn that people around us don’t always mean what they say or do the things that they’re supposed to do. We learn with time, that let downs are a constant part of life, and it is crucial in these pinnacle moments that we learn to stand tall and remember that we also have to look out for the best interests for ourselves and our own well being at the same time. Knowledge like this never comes easy. It never comes without a price that none of us are willing to pay, but at the same time we have no choice but to face it head on when we are confronted with it.
One of the first things I learned, is no one has life figured out. We all face battles within that no one else knows about; and even if other people do know what you’re going through, life is merely perception based to each specific individual and experiences they live through. Even if they know what you’re dealing with, there’s no way for them to understand it. They may empathize and try to be there for you, but without experiencing life as you have, they can never fully understand what you’re going through. It’s important to let people in and let them be there for you anyway. Life already has the potential to be a cruel and vicious thing sometimes, when we have people who are at our sides, willing to try to understand and be there for you, it is important to let them. It’s a lonely road without having or allowing this support. I learned that the hard way. It is important to let people care about you, even if your trust has been broken. Love, no matter how fickle it seems, is the only thing that can ever truly heal us. Love, no matter the form of it, is something that we crave as a human species. I’ll forever stand by the notion that humans were made to love, and it is the absence of it that causes pain and turmoil in our lives internally. I think anyone grown will also tell you the same thing.
It is important to speak up and not bottle up our emotions. No one that truly cares for you wants to see you hurting. And even if they can’t take that hurt away, the people around you who care about you will do their best to protect you from experiencing anymore pain. And if you didn’t (or don’t) have many people who can genuinely be there for you in your darkest times, like I didn’t in my youth, it is ok to learn to become this for yourself as well. When the entire universe feels like it’s against you, you must teach yourself how to be your best friend, how to be your biggest protector, and become the person who loves YOU the most. More times than not, most people have no idea what we battle inside. Some of the people with the biggest smiles who appear to be the happiest people on earth, face demons that no one would ever guess. It’s seeing and knowing that broken hearts and traumas are the equivalent to living with broken ribs; you’re injured, you’re in imaginable pain, and no one else can tell by just looking at you. It’s knowing that something is broken and you feel the pain of it with every single breath you take, and no one else in the world can see it. Or feel it.
Self love was something I didn’t learn until later in life as an adult. I wish when I was younger I had someone to show me or teach me just exactly how much pain I would endure in life without it. It took unmeasurable tragedy and me staring into a mirror asking myself how I even got to that point, to even realize that all of the love I was seeking out in the world (in all the wrong places at that), was all the love that I was missing in myself, for myself.
I was never taught how to see past the truth that other people paint for themselves. I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. When you’re young and innocent, we assume that everyone means what they say, and does what they say they’ll do. We assume everyone has the best intentions as we do. We are not taught how to react to betrayal. We are not taught compassion or how to be gentle on ourselves when our trust is broken by the people who are supposed to love us; be it from our family at a young age, or our very first heartbreak in any form. These are the moments that we learn what pain is, where we endure tragedy to our hearts, where we see for ourselves that the world is far more cruel than we could ever imagine. Some of us lose ourselves along the way in this process, and it’s ok. We are all human. We all have to know at the same time, we can come back from anything, too. And sometimes, we have to learn the hard way. Sometimes we are rash and hard on ourselves or other people. And all of it is normal at first. This is where we learn and gain real knowledge of forgiveness and strength; all of it comes in the moments that we decide and choose to be better than the people who are inflicting pain onto us. It’s those moments that we decide, that we can choose to learn from all of it and choose to be nothing like them. It’s the decision to not become the monsters that torment our hearts and minds. And sometimes, just sometimes, it’s only after we’ve let it change us. Sometimes it’s not until it’s too late, or at least it will feel that way. It will feel like we’ve messed things up beyond repair with our reactions or our words. But let me tell you a secret, it’s never too late.
It’s never too late to forgive yourself for not knowing any better. You did the best you could at the time, with what you knew. This is where grace comes in. We must learn grace for ourselves, to get through it. It’s never too late to choose to learn from the pain. It’s never too late to decide at any moment, that you’re not going to let the pain control you anymore. Acknowledge it. Sit with it. Grow from it. Learn from it. This will be your rebirth. This will be the day where you learn the meaning of the word ‘Redemption’. This will be the biggest fight of your life. You will have to battle demons within that were hiding away in the deepest corners of your soul, finding the roots and source of their control over you and shining and pouring light into that part of yourself first. Growing and maturing as we get older comes with learning that we have everything within ourselves to overcome all the things we thought would destroy us. It never comes easily, and more times than not, most of us try to fight it. We try to reject what it is teaching us because we don’t want to accept that ‘this is really happening’. Sometimes we act on avoidance because it is easier to pretend it’s not there and it’s not affecting us, than it is to face it and fix it.
And you know what? All of it is ok. We are all merely human.it only makes sense that we live and love like one. We all make mistakes. We all do things we never thought we’d do or say. Tragedy can put us on a fight or flight mode, and without any guidance it’s easier to come off track. Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. Even those of us who are older who appear to have it all together, even those of us who look like we have it all figured out; I promise, we don’t. We are all learning. We are all growing. We are all on similar parts of our own journeys, trying to do better. Trying to learn more. The warriors with still faces. The empaths with bleeding hearts. The young souls who are still trying their best to navigate through life at the best of their ability with everything that life has thrown at them. No matter how graceful they move, there too was a time where we were self destructive in their life and had to learn things the hard way.
I’m here asking you to hold on. There’s so much more life left to live. There’s still so much more knowledge for you to gain, and there’s still so many people out there that you’re going to save with your story. Your testimony. Your legacy, even if your legacy is just your heart. You impact way more people in this world than you can ever comprehend. And I can’t wait to hear about your journey after. Hold on, because no matter how tragic, life is still beautiful. Love is still beautiful. It won’t be easy, none of it will be, but it will be worth it. The light is reachable even if you’ve lost it for some time. The dark can be beautiful and can teach us more than the light ever will at the same time. We need both to grow. We need both to truly live. We need both to truly love. It’s the paradox to life.
“They say all good things come to an end. And even though it may seem like a dark statement, I see hope in it;
Because there’s always a balance to life, to the universe. The yin and the yang to everything.
If good things must end, then that also means that all bad things eventually do too.”
-B. Vigil

Give up, never!
The challenges of life give greater
Satisfaction when struggling to overcome them.

Give up, never!
Through war planes, attacker
On our land, as my partner is an army officer.

Give up, never!
Through financial strains, being a mother,
Teacher, student, niece, aunt, cousin, daughter…
With duties and love to give as worries grow stronger.

Give up, never!
Going through bowl obstruction surgeries, recover
From that alone is like moving through quick sand, a surfer
Of intense pain, stilted, limited movements that border
On the robotic before getting better.

Give up, never!
Immigrating at fourty plus is no simple matter,
With two teens and two adults to give succor
As the cultural, geographical, and familial reservoir
Dwindles and altered to an extreme purveyor
Of loss as we embrace newer circumstances in horror.

Give up, never!
Through each trial, the sun does shine brighter
And belief that you’re being tested makes me stronger.

Give up, never!
Give up, never!
Give up, never!

©️ Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

Dear friends,

Have you ever wanted to give up? If you’re anything like me, that’s happened more times than you can count. One example occurred last week on my first ever cruise.

I would’ve had no interest in cruising, had it not been for my mentor. For simplicity’s sake, we’ll call him David. Before I found him, I was a loser in every way. No drivers license, no college degree, no “real” job, and no support system. All I had was a rare disease, a mountain of bills, and an artistic talent that everyone dismissed as useless. David, a brilliant but controversial artist in his own right, took me under his wing and encouraged me when I had nobody. The day we met, I made a promise. I would honor his belief in me by becoming someone worthy of it, and I would devote my life to giving back to him because if it weren’t for him, I would no longer have a life.

That promise brought me on a cruise ship. David and another gentleman were teaching classes on communication and marketing; studying under them was the next step to fulfilling my promise. The first day, David gave an assignment: record your shore excursions and post them to social media. I wanted nothing to do with that! Not only do I hate being filmed, but I don’t thrive in warm, sunny beach climates. Due to my disease, I have trouble balancing on uneven surfaces like sand, and migraines triggered by heat and bright light. I knew this excursion would be grueling, but I owed it to David to try.

Onn day 2 of the cruise, I was awake at 5:30 AM. My legs were so swollen it hurt to stand, but I did. I showered, dressed, ate breakfast, and met my excursion group at the designated place and time. A crew member led us off the ship, down four flights of stairs. What?! Nobody mentioned that! My balance issues make stairs difficult, but I was afraid I’d get lost if I took the elevator. Slowly but surely, I made it down the stairs and off the ship to wait for a tour bus. Even with sunglasses, the sun hurt my eyes! My legs felt like they were on fire, but I stayed in line until the bus came.

Two hours later, the bus arrived at the beach. I was so nervous! What if I tried to walk on sand and fell on my face in front of everyone? Cane in hand, I made my way to the nearest chair. I could’ve played it safe and stayed there, but this was my first time on a beach since I was ten. Who knows when I’d get to come back? It seemed a shame to waste the chance to swim in the ocean!

The cane helped me walk on sand, but I couldn’t take it in the ocean. The ground gave beneath my feet. The waves threw off my center of gravity, but I kept going. Just when I thought I’d found my balance, I tripped and fell in up to my neck. Everybody stared at me, some with derision, others with pity. A man offered to help me, but I refused. I didn’t want to look any weaker than I already did. I would get out of that ocean myself or die trying!

I returned to my chair, humiliated, frustrated, and ready to give up. Then I thought of David. What would I tell him when I saw him later? I knew he would forgive mistakes, but he wouldn’t want me to quit. So I tried again. This time, I was able to balance long enough to swim in the ocean and make it back to my chair unassisted. Despite many setbacks that day, it was worth it to see the look on David’s face when he heard what I did. His smile and kind words made every hardship seem so small!

For all my shortcomings, I’m not a hypocrite. I won’t give advice I can’t follow myself, so I can’t tell you to love and believe in yourself. Although I don’t love myself, I love David more than I hate myself. I don’t believe in myself, but I believe in him. As long as he believes in me, that’s enough reason to keep persevering.

My advice is to find something you can believe in until you can believe in yourself, be it a person, a pet, a religious figure, a hobby, a cause, a goal, anything. Dedicate yourself to that purpose, and work for it with everything you have. Maybe your dreams won’t come true the way you planned, but when you serve something greater than yourself, good things will come your way!

Good luck!

So…… I started a solo journey a day ago. I think it’s been going okay for the most part. I decided I would take some time to center mind and see where I am as my new self. This year has been pretty challenging for me. I mean don’t get me wrong up until now life has been pretty tragic, this year required me to pull a certain type of strength out of myself. I had to learn to let go. In order to let go you have to confront everything you are running from. The list was pretty long lets see we’ve got
* Childhood trauma ( My mothers mental, physical, emotional abuse, my mother enabling the abuse of her boyfriend, the sexual abuse from childhood “peers” , being bullied for stuff out of my control, lack of actual love.)
* Traumatic experiences that happened through out my young adult years ( Raped in college, raped again at another college, Raped by ex boyfriend, coercion , ganged raped in 2018, trafficked that same year, Stockholm syndrome from both of my abusers, being drugged and raped by those abusers with no memory, doing drugs myself, “Friends” poisoning me, “Friends” trying to kill me, Being set up to have a pistol put to the back of my head, Mental breakdown, forgetting my memory, being diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses and then getting my memory of all the abuse I experienced back.
* Hypersexuality
* Suicidal ideation
* Anxiety
* Depression
* The abuse and torment I put myself through. ( lack of setting boundaries, settling for whatever people felt I deserved, holding grudges against people who forgot I even existed(bitterness), settling for the bare minimum when it came to friends, people pleasing, chasing validation from people who chew on crayons, and allowing my bad experiences to hinder me from growing as a person.
If you ask me I think the last thing on the list is actually the worst of it all. Despite what others have done to me I was able to reflect and accept the that growing up I had a certain sense of awareness and understanding of myself, my surroundings as well as other people, but because I was afraid of standing out and being alone I settled for mediocracy time and time again. I settled for the half ass friendships and the negative attention and anything that allowed me to fill the void I was born with.
I mean don’t get me wrong, being able to blame the entire world and not hold myself accountable for my behavior was definitely a fun and easy life. Blowing a 3.7 in the breathalyzer and living (lol boy was that a story) , or when I trashed an entire town; I threw every table, chair, bench, sign, or anything that wasn’t nailed down into the middle of the street, and my favorite is the countless amount of mini vacations I got take to the mental hospital because well…. I just could not get it together to save my life. I managed to ruin my own life, push away any support that I had and even broke the mirror so I didn’t have to look into it. Reality was just too much for me to bare.
I spent the past 6 months allowing myself to honor my emotions and how everything I have been through took a toll on the way I showed up for myself in my life. Here I am at 27 and I can finally say the memories no longer hold weight over me. I no longer cry, feel shame, or allow the people who wronged me to control how my life will look. So for the next 30 days I decided to spend as much time as I can with myself. I will be exploring my mind without attaching trauma or negative narratives about myself to the thought.
So far I learned that if I slow down my thought process I can prevent myself from over thinking. Overthinking is the lead cause to anxiety attacks. Anxiety comes from trying to fix things that take time. Its a cycle. The more you have a grasp on reality the less your mind takes you on trips to lala land to escape and just breathe for a minute. I believe that everyone has a fantasy reality. I also don’t think having a fantasy reality is a problem. I believe living in fantasy reality more than you live in your actual reality is the real problem. People like to avoid obstacles and go “oh that’s too big I am going to act like it doesn’t exist”. When people do that they leave the room to lie to and convince themselves that the problem no longer exist, when it does! I know I shouldn’t speak for other people but I’ve witnessed this from other as well as myself too many times to count. I cant write their final chapters but I sure as hell hell can determine how mine will end. So from here on out I choose to live consciously aware of what I say, who I said it to and why. I owe this to myself. I will journal these days as need be, with the hope that it helps someone else. I look forward to my new self discoveries. The goal of this is to walk into 2023 with the best mindset so that I may grow and become my best self. As for me, Growth looks good on you girl, I look forward to meeting who you become.
-Xiao

College isn’t always easy.
It would make me feel queasy.
Homework keeping me up late.
Stress giving me a mental debate.
Is this all worth it?
Should I just drop it?
I can’t turn back now.
My parents would have a cow.
My friends think so much of me.
What a disappointment I’d be
My parents’ money would go to waste.
This decision shouldn’t be made in haste.
My studies will continue.
I will finish what is due.
It will all be worth it in the end.
No matter how I have to bend.

To the Unsealed,

I know how it feels to fall out of love.
I used to consider myself a musician,
I used to consider myself a writer,
I used to consider myself a filmmaker,
I used to consider myself an artist.

Upon reflection on the person, I thought I used to be,
I looked in the mirror in awe of all that hasn’t changed,
Years past, months forgotten, days gone, yet I remain,
If am that I am when I am forlorn, I must be what I am when I am exultant,
Depressed, Euphoric, Despondent, Ecstatic, Destitute, Elated,
I am what I am when I am.

I know how it feels to fall in love.
I consider myself a musician,
I consider myself a writer,
I consider myself a model,
I consider myself an artist.

How could I give up the things that created me?
How could I no longer be what I’ve already been?
I’ve let hopelessness in once before,
I’ve felt defeated and longed for more,
Yet I find what belongs to me still in me,
Waiting to belong to me once more.

I nearly gave up on life when I was diagnosed with Bipolar,
I found new life in the understanding that it is not all that makes me,
I’m beautiful,
I’m generous,
I’m loving,
I’m humble,
I’m an artist,
I will continue to be that when I feel like I am something else,

It’s okay to love,
It’s okay to not love,
The fact that it may not last forever makes me that much more grateful when I have it again,
I am all that I am when I feel I am not.

“Everything stays, but it still changes” – Rebecca Sugar

Closer Than You Think
By Sef thePoet

What was once far away
Now sits in arms reach …..
What your mind thinks
Your heart now can reach
The phone is ringing
It’s time to answer your calling
You put one foot in before
Now it’s time to go all in …..
Just remember you fell forward
That was one push-up
For a seed to grow into a beautiful flower
From the dirt it has to push up
You were created by the creator
On purpose with a purpose
What was manifesting before
Is now reaching the surface
What was far away is now near
Those trails can’t take away your smiles
What may have stumbled you
Just humbled you
You are now able to regain momentum
Remember when moments come
They are just a set up
For something amazing
You will persevere
Everything that you are is history in the making
God wrote your story
And he doesn’t make mistakes
Don’t allow that missed opportunity take you off the road that is great
The one who made you can walk across a lake
He loves you even though you think that you never met …..
Just remember that you are walking on water too ….
Just this time your feet aren’t getting wet……
Be great…..

It’s lonely here
Without them, my stories transition to memories
Without them, the laughter falls on deaf ears
The silliness isn’t so silly anymore
And my smile feels forced
It’s lonely without them
The one who needs no introduction because their personality is so loud
The one whose laughter was formed through sadness, but it brings joy to those who are privileged to hear it
The one who is so authentically kind that you can feel their positivity when they enter the room
It’s lonely starting over, but I can
It’s hard finding more like them, but I’ll try
It’s sad and it hurts, but I’ll smile more, and I’ll laugh harder
It’s not easy, but I won’t stop trying to feel whole again
It’s lonely, but one day, it won’t be

Was there a time that I persevered when I wanted to quit?
Was there ever a time I did not?
At the age of 5, when most kids learn to read I could not.
Hour by hour, my mom showed me flash cards of phonics and sounded them out.
My grandpa and grandma read books with me.
I could not get it. Words did not make sense.
I could not see them in the order they were supposed to be in.
I would see a page of words and it would shift to say something other than what I was being told it said.
My eyes deceived me.
Hours passed. Weeks flew. Months turned to years.
I could not read.
One day, the words made a tiny bit of sense. The sounds were memorable. I was nine.

Hour by hour. I read what was expected for school. I traced letters and sounded it out in my head.
Workbook after workbook, page by page.

I could read.

Five years later I walked into the local library and brought home the Hobbit.

Three weeks later I returned it with a head full of stories.

I am now a writer.

Perseverance pays off.

To the young hearts, this is my encouragement to you on why you should never give up on an open opportunity, something you wish for, a dream or a desire. Walking away may come easy, however many people feel regret after and wish they had never done it.

I had a rough childhood; I probably should have been a product of my environment, but instead I choose to persevere through it.
As far back as I could remember, all I knew as a child was violence, anger, threats, fear, terror, and did not know what tomorrow may bring. I never heard I love you in my household, I thought this was normal. I was raised by my mother and my step – father, I also have two sisters. My step – father had a drinking problem and occasionally did drugs, this made him an angry and violent person. At a young age this was my every-day. We never knew what he would fight about next. There were days he would beat my mom endlessly, and we would all end up at the hospital with her. This went on for years, we were all terrified of him. This behavior caused us lots of problems, he would be on and off from work, which didn’t give us stability. I remember there were times we didn’t even have funds to pay for typical things like hot water and we would just go without. These were very tough seasons. My mother tried her best to keep us safe. My mother’s suffering was very hard to watch. A lot of these memories in my early years now as an adult I don’t remember any more, my brain erased years and now are gaps in my memory because of the trauma, the brain will do that.

By the time I entered elementary school I remember he eventually stopped doing drugs with the help of my mom, somehow, she still found it in her heart to help him and stay. She was and still is one of the most loving individuals I know. He did however continue drinking and that still caused problems. I had a lot of untold wounds by this time. I didn’t really know another way to cope besides not talking about it.
I was very timid in school, very quiet, petite and barely had any friends. Gym was my favorite part because I got to play, laugh and forget what was going on at home. I remember when fifth grade track came around my gym teacher had the class participate, he timed us as we ran and figured out, I was actually very fast and good at sports. He approached me that season and asked me if I wanted to participate and run for the school competitions. He was convinced I’d do well. I was not used to this type of attention and did not know how to respond. I wanted to say I don’t see anything good in me, I can run and what was the big deal. All I knew was defeat, sadness, loneliness, fear and doubt, but he saw something positive, good, worth something and capable. Well, before I totally gave up the opportunity; I told him OK I’ll try. This coach and his enthusiasm made me believe in myself. He made me believe I can do something and do it well.

I really succeeded at track, I got more and more involved. I tried out for long jumping, high jumping and the hundred – meter dash. I literally blew myself away. Had I given up and never attempted sports I would have never known this love for it. At the competitions I placed first for the sprint race in the fifty – meter dash category and we also won the hundred – meter dash that day, it was a day to remember. I received several medals that day and a trophy. Here is more exciting news; the school I attended had other students who had great times and held records for those categories I had tried out for, I ended up breaking three records, the fifty – meter dash, the long – jumping and the high – jumping and now my times and achievements were recorded in the school board records. This was literally one of the most exciting times of my life and set the path for me in sports, which I did continue through middle school, high school and still now.

My life changed for the better and I had something to look forward to. I found a passion, hope, self – esteem, confidence, new skills and friends. I am glad I chose to go for it and not look back. Promise yourself today that you’ll always try and never give up.

Dear Youth Me,

When people are asked to describe you, your no-quit attitude is the lead of your story. You almost quit writing this. Why?

You did not know what to write about and you have felt for the longest time that anything you do academically has to make up for the things you can’t do physically.

You have not quit countless of other times — and as much as you do NOT want to say this… this most DEFINITELY WILL NOT be the LAST.

So, before I move any further, CONGRATULATIONS to YOU for taking the time to look back and see what you have accomplished; writing this piece is TRULY a PRIME example of YOU NOT quitting!

Another example can be seen where you are right now, what ground are your feet hitting?

The ground of YOUR home; the place where YOU are staying by YOURSELF!

I do NOT really comprehend when someone says you have a NO-QUIT attitude because EVERY goal you set for yourself has one ending, SUCCESS (or at least a lot of them).

After graduating with your masters degree in Sports Journalism, it took you nine months to find a job and as much as you wanted one, you are lucky enough that you did NOT NEED one.

But you made a DEAL with your parents that a job equaled moving out.

As much as your PARENTS MOTIVATED YOU and still do, you found that job YOURSELF… congrats!

Keep on being you!

Your Youth Self.

Love,

Jake

“The Source Of Her Endurance”
By: LaShawna Payne

If force had a form, it was absolutely all 5 feet and 2 inches of her…
Oval-shaped queen with a heart that wouldn’t lose even when life had other plans for her. Even when doctors and specialists opinions and analysis, had other plans for her. Even when the diagnosis already concluded her existence. She laughed instead. Deciding that any challenge would only be opportunity. An opportunity to laugh hysterically at any opposition that tried to whisper something other than the truth of what God told her. A truth that said regardless of any disruptive life circumstance that presented itself, to know that rest is still offered in it by HIM. Truth that loudly yet peacefully told her God’s hand will always be offered… in it.

And sometimes after closing her eyes when things got too tough, it was in that place that she remembered His hands were already holding hers. And in those moments when life became too tricky to laugh hysterically like she planned, she mustered a smile still anyhow, borrowing from God’s strength to do it. A smile that she always held on to on the inside, because she knew regardless things would always be alright… as long as her eyes were fixed…
On the solution… Her solution…
Fixed on the thought and deep- seated comfort, that God’s hands were holding hers in absolutely whatever life presented…

To a girl,
Young, scared, hurt, and overcome by the feeling of wanting to crawl out of her skin. You have come so far. You have marched down the length of that dock, felt the dead, dry, prickly summer grass on the bottoms of your feet, and you’ve kept walking. You threw away that swimsuit, you know the one. The pale blue bikini with the tiny yellow and pink flowers. You’ve even gone back to that lake. It took you a couple tries, but you gathered the courage to place your picnic blanket under the big oak tree, remove your shoes, and swim in the beautiful deep blue Washington water once again.
I don’t blame you for staying away for as long as you did. Even just driving on the bridge that overlooks the water made you shiver. There were a lot of firsts that happened that day at the lake, and the weeks to follow. It was your first time going to the lake without an adult. It was your first time visiting the public swimming area of the lake. It was your first time jumping off the long wooden dock. It was your first time being touched by a man. It was your first time feeling the gaze of a man threaten you into silence. It was the first time you were so terrified that you couldn’t make even the tiniest weakest sound. It was the first time you felt like an uninvited guest in your own body.
Some disturbed people will tell you it was your fault. “A fourteen-year-old girl shouldn’t be wearing such a skimpy bathing suit,” they’ll say. That is an idea that has been passed down through the generations, and unfortunately, that idea is still widely communicated to young girls today. But you know now that the way you dress is never an invitation to somebody else. I wish someone would’ve told me that in the weeks that followed.
I am incredibly proud of the way you handled yourself in those following weeks. Looking back, it was upsetting that there wasn’t more the police could do. You gave them the location, the date and time, and they even had you go to the police station and meet with an artist who drew a portrait of your assaulter while you picked his eyes, ears, mouth, and nose out from a book of a thousand little drawings. It was like playing paper dolls. You still question if you got it right. You didn’t have a clear image of his whole face. Just his eyes. Those penetrative eyes that silently shouted at you to sit still, stay quiet, and tell no one what had just happened under the water. His eyes were the easiest feature to pick out of the book. To this day, I believe you could still pick them out of a crowd. Some images just never leave, even if the pain has started to fade.
Pushing through that darkness and letting that fear die out was one of the hardest things you’ve done. Even if your predator wasn’t brought to justice, you created a personal justice. Your body belongs to yourself again. You feel at home in your skin, and you dress however the hell you want. You wear scarves in your hair, bikini tops and little jean shorts, turtlenecks and long skirts, cropped shirts. You wear it all, and you don’t wear any of it to send a specific message. You just like how you look. And let me just say that that is a huge accomplishment in a society that raises women to hate how they look once they reach a certain age. Keep fighting that predetermined narrative.
Taking back your body was the first step. June 14th, 2023, you went back to that public swimming area. You wore your favorite swimsuit. You took your dog and your partner at the time for extra comfort and support. Getting back in the water was hard. That dock might always hold a painful memory, but you will never let it keep you from enjoying something that everyone has the right and privilege to do. Young girls shouldn’t have to fear something as innocent as a lake day or removing their swim coverups in a public swimming area. You have now marched back down the length of that dock, jumped into that water, and enjoyed the freedom of your body swimming in the magnificent deep blue Washington waters. Those eyes aren’t watching you anymore and those hands have let you go.