So…… I started a solo journey a day ago. I think it’s been going okay for the most part. I decided I would take some time to center mind and see where I am as my new self. This year has been pretty challenging for me. I mean don’t get me wrong up until now life has been pretty tragic, this year required me to pull a certain type of strength out of myself. I had to learn to let go. In order to let go you have to confront everything you are running from. The list was pretty long lets see we’ve got
* Childhood trauma ( My mothers mental, physical, emotional abuse, my mother enabling the abuse of her boyfriend, the sexual abuse from childhood “peers” , being bullied for stuff out of my control, lack of actual love.)
* Traumatic experiences that happened through out my young adult years ( Raped in college, raped again at another college, Raped by ex boyfriend, coercion , ganged raped in 2018, trafficked that same year, Stockholm syndrome from both of my abusers, being drugged and raped by those abusers with no memory, doing drugs myself, “Friends” poisoning me, “Friends” trying to kill me, Being set up to have a pistol put to the back of my head, Mental breakdown, forgetting my memory, being diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses and then getting my memory of all the abuse I experienced back.
* Hypersexuality
* Suicidal ideation
* Anxiety
* Depression
* The abuse and torment I put myself through. ( lack of setting boundaries, settling for whatever people felt I deserved, holding grudges against people who forgot I even existed(bitterness), settling for the bare minimum when it came to friends, people pleasing, chasing validation from people who chew on crayons, and allowing my bad experiences to hinder me from growing as a person.
If you ask me I think the last thing on the list is actually the worst of it all. Despite what others have done to me I was able to reflect and accept the that growing up I had a certain sense of awareness and understanding of myself, my surroundings as well as other people, but because I was afraid of standing out and being alone I settled for mediocracy time and time again. I settled for the half ass friendships and the negative attention and anything that allowed me to fill the void I was born with.
I mean don’t get me wrong, being able to blame the entire world and not hold myself accountable for my behavior was definitely a fun and easy life. Blowing a 3.7 in the breathalyzer and living (lol boy was that a story) , or when I trashed an entire town; I threw every table, chair, bench, sign, or anything that wasn’t nailed down into the middle of the street, and my favorite is the countless amount of mini vacations I got take to the mental hospital because well…. I just could not get it together to save my life. I managed to ruin my own life, push away any support that I had and even broke the mirror so I didn’t have to look into it. Reality was just too much for me to bare.
I spent the past 6 months allowing myself to honor my emotions and how everything I have been through took a toll on the way I showed up for myself in my life. Here I am at 27 and I can finally say the memories no longer hold weight over me. I no longer cry, feel shame, or allow the people who wronged me to control how my life will look. So for the next 30 days I decided to spend as much time as I can with myself. I will be exploring my mind without attaching trauma or negative narratives about myself to the thought.
So far I learned that if I slow down my thought process I can prevent myself from over thinking. Overthinking is the lead cause to anxiety attacks. Anxiety comes from trying to fix things that take time. Its a cycle. The more you have a grasp on reality the less your mind takes you on trips to lala land to escape and just breathe for a minute. I believe that everyone has a fantasy reality. I also don’t think having a fantasy reality is a problem. I believe living in fantasy reality more than you live in your actual reality is the real problem. People like to avoid obstacles and go “oh that’s too big I am going to act like it doesn’t exist”. When people do that they leave the room to lie to and convince themselves that the problem no longer exist, when it does! I know I shouldn’t speak for other people but I’ve witnessed this from other as well as myself too many times to count. I cant write their final chapters but I sure as hell hell can determine how mine will end. So from here on out I choose to live consciously aware of what I say, who I said it to and why. I owe this to myself. I will journal these days as need be, with the hope that it helps someone else. I look forward to my new self discoveries. The goal of this is to walk into 2023 with the best mindset so that I may grow and become my best self. As for me, Growth looks good on you girl, I look forward to meeting who you become.
-Xiao