Don’t worry little one, this will all be forgiven and forgotten I know you’re going through a lot right now and I pray that you make it through this with open eyes And a keen sense. You are on your own now
nothing more, nothing less. My information is true
and I know what you’re going to do. I know because I’m you. Don’t listen to any negativity from any one and always be yourself! I know it’s rough but it’ll get better I hope you find solace in this letter.

Dear Unsealers,

This is my answer to the question in the challenge…

When and where do I feel most at peace?

As the sun rises over the Canyon of Heroes
It’s the start of the work week

But before I arrive at the office
There’s something that I need to do
The Monday morning ritual

As I take my seat in the cafe at 4 Liberty Street
I see the heart in my Matcha Latte

At the first sip, the world stands still
Only the daylight can be seen

None of the world’s troubles matter
With each extra sip, I feel warmed bliss

When the bottom of the cup is reached
I can take on the slings and arrows of the day

Hello world, I know you are probably wondering how’s life, what’s going on, what has been happening to me. We are beauty, We are one with ourselves without a doubt. Let’s begin to be in a world surrounded with true loving inspirational humans. To go through this chapter with no regret. I’m living life as time goes by with ambition, and conquering fears. I can be myself with no judgement. No fear or care of judgement from strangers who mean so little. I stand up for myself not so timid. Eighteen year old me was not ready for who i am today. I’m a published author now who knew that would be happen, I accomplished I’m very gratefully eccentric . I love myself finally after 22 years of not. I sang karaoke with the love of my life in front of an audience. I was confident I’m proud of that. I’m joyful, in love, and all i see are the beauty of everything around me. I met the most beautiful woman I’m spending the rest of my life with, She’s my always and forever & I couldn’t ask for anyone better than her. She’s my person, whom i can be vulnerable with always. To Mi Amor, the New job, The New opportunities , The New Special Memories I adore you. I’m looking forward to chapter 23!!! As we continue the journey, we now embrace life no longer dread it. I feel it, the wind from the trees everything so beautiful from the rustle of leaves, feel the ground beneath my fee ,the clouds moving slowly but surely, the stars shining brighter than ever before, to finally just get in touch with mother nature herself has truly been Exceptional. Who i am today & Who i was before i see the change ,the growth just to make it here. I know now that all the struggle & obstacles I’ve been through had to happen for me to be the beautiful, strong intelligent woman i am now & now i know that i have always been strong, I just couldn’t see the strength in me till now & for that i smile at this twenty-second chapter of my life.

I was eleven when my dad started drinking again.
Even worse, he had an affair.
Even worse, I was a daddy’s girl.
Even worse, my household was emotionally abandoned by its protector.
Even worse, I started chasing men to fill that void of love.
The LOVE that you can only get from a FATHER.
Even worse, I let them abuse me.
Even worse, I dropped out of high school.
Even worse, my self esteem plummeted.
Even worse, my dad’s alcohol abuse seemed to be passed down…
Even worse, there’s times I don’t remember how I got home.
Even worse, I didn’t think I deserved any better.
Even worse, I got pregnant.
Even worse, the father was my worst abuser.
Even worse, I believed I had no worth.
But then…
I gave up.
And then, I fell on my face in tears.
And then, I opened a random Bible.
And then, I cried all over the pages.
And then, through blurry tear filled eyes I saw these words, “Be still, and know that I am God.”
And then, I encountered the Lord and He gave me a glimpse of heaven.
I saw things I cannot explain on a human level.
And then, I chose to trust him.
And then, it felt like I had suddenly woken up from a horrible dream.
And then, He built my confidence.
And then, I was freed from the chains of my abuser.
And then, my child was freed too.
And then, I started finding Love in Him.
The LOVE that only a FATHER can give.
And then, He sent me a man.
A man that would leave a tiara at my doorstep, and love letters and chocolates in a relentless pursuit of my heart.
A man that would pray over me and my son.
And then, God used him to show me my worth.
And then, I married him.
And then, I was emotionally safe.
And then, I was physically safe.
And then, I was safe.
And then, my new life began.
The moment that changed my life for the better, was the moment I gave it all to Jesus.
And then, everything changed.

Dear, Unsealers:

The following poem is a flashback to November 2015…

In the early morning hours
I stepped off the plane in Madrid
After a long, turbulent flight across the Atlantic

As I see the window ahead of me
I’m on the other side, en el Aeropuerto Barajas
With daylight yet to break

It doesn’t look like I’m in Spain
But indeed I am!

All the waiting and anticipation led here
To these eight days, my first trip away from home
Madrid, Toledo, Granada, Sevila & Cordoba await

To think, this wouldn’t have happened
If I wasn’t told months earlier, “no”.

I didn’t know it then….
I would learn to love traveling solo, joining group trips

This was a celebration of turning thirty!

The life of a “Blonde”

There’s a reason I tell people I’m “blonde.”
I mean the blonde beyond the hair color,
the one that goes with the average stereotype-
Bubbly, dumb and without a care in the world.
A pretty face.
I tell people this for a reason.
I don’t have a memory of a goldfish,
I just don’t remember 7 years of my life.
Although,
it’s a lot easier to say–
“I’m blonde.”
Then it is to say,
“My brain shuts off from trauma.”
It’s a lot easier for people to think,
“She’s just a pretty face,
just an airhead.”
Expectations are a lot lower.
No one expects you to be Valedictorian.
No one expects you to be a sports team captain.
No,
You’re just a blonde.
People talk as if you’re
Neither here, nor there.
Just because
you’re a blonde.
It opens your eyes really.
Helps you see what people think,
really think of you.
One day,
I told someone
the thoughts in my head.
The years I don’t recollect.
How I can barely get out of bed.
How living came to be something I dread.
You know what they said?
I was too blonde.
Too blonde, too white, too girly,
To not want to be on this earth.
Girls like me,
Girls like me don’t get suicidal.
Girls like me,
Girls like me don’t want to die.
Girls like me,
Girls like me can’t even think.
“Stop playing the victim.”
I was told.
“Stop pretending you are quirky.”
I was told.
“It’s all in your head.”
Yes,
I know it’s in my head.
It never stops.
It never stops playing in my head.
That was the one time,
I wish I didn’t play the role of a blonde.
After that,
It showed,
stereotypes are real.
Stereotypes,
will make your decisions for you.
For someone who can’t remember
Who they are,
Who looks back
in the mirror.
It’s easy to see
the exterior.
The Blonde hair.
When people ask,
all you have to do is point.
Point at the hair, the head, the skull.
Maybe they will take it as
“Oh, a blonde.”
Or maybe someone will see,
Finally see,
I’m not pointing at my hair.
I’m pointing at the pain.
The kind no one sees,
The kind embedded so deep.
The kind,
Possibly,
embedded in my brain.
Or
intertwined through my golden strands.
The kind I’m scared,
God forbid,
I tell someone else about.
And the years I neglect to remember,
the pain I hear every morning,
Is too dark to hinder the sunshine on my head.
No demon would ever think to touch
that smiling, golden, airhead.
No,
life is easier when you are blonde.
Too dumb,
Too pretty,
Too white,
To have any expectations.
Any fears,
any demons.
This moment,
It plays,
like a broken record in my mind.
In my blonde little head.
It’s one I can’t forget,
and I don’t want to.
I want to remember the day
I set boundaries.
The day
I had to remind myself,
people will judge you,
hate you
loathe you even,
but the most pain,
That comes from those you trust.
Or rather,
trusted.
You can give someone only
too many chances
before you have to realize
maybe,
just maybe,
they aren’t good for you.
Because,
that day
I realized I was worth,
More than an exterior.
More than my thoughts.
More than your thoughts.
I am so much more,
Than a blonde.
My head tells me otherwise
most days,
If not
everyday.
I do not,
I do not,
need you,
nor anyone else to tell me
Who I am.
I am a blonde.
Yet,
My mind tells me more sinister words.
I am on my knees most days,
with my golden head bowed.
Praying.
For a little reprieve.
I can’t run from what’s inside,
but I can let go
what doesn’t serve me.
This moment in time
showed me,
and still replays,
like a broken record
In my sunshine globe.
Although knowledge comes from pain
often,
because now I know,
I’m worth so much.
I don’t need anyone,
To tell me anything,
Different.
Just because
I’m too white,
Too basic,
Too blonde,
And apparently not,
Different.

Chapter 19

Like all chapters,
They close.
And,
another opens.

Like all chapters,
you start at the beginning.
Until,
you reach the end.

You can’t skip pages,
you dare not skip over words.
You might miss something,
something that changes the whole,
plot, timeline, ending.

You yell at the main character,
“Don’t do that!”
“Can’t you see?”

You cry with the sidekicks.
You laugh over the comedic relief.
You hope for the star crossed lovers.

But never,
Never,
do you skip chapters.
This chapter of mine,
Sometimes, I wish I could skip.
It’s not glamorous,
Nor funny.
It’s actually quite,
dare I say,
depressing?

This chapter,
Chapter 19,
Healing.
It’s a long one,
but a necessary one.

It’s a chapter where
you find the main character
crying,
on the kitchen floor.
You find them driving
with no destination.
It’s a chapter
of tears in the shower
so at least they can pretend
they aren’t real,
They aren’t in pain.
they can forget,
just for a moment,
the title of this Chapter.

It’s a chapter where you scream
at the main character,
for using the same old habits.
For reminding them,
all stories have happy endings.
They will get through this.

It’s a chapter of lots of dots and dashes,
no climax.
A silent wait,
Minus the occasional tear.
But,
every so often,
the character smiles.

And every so often
you see,
the growth.
You follow this character
through the ups and downs.
And yes,
this chapter isn’t pretty,
Glamorous,
Exciting,
Even worth reading sometimes.
Yet,
It’s a chapter that you know
without it,
the character wouldn’t be who they are.

This chapter,
Chapter 19.
I call it healing.
This chapter,
Chapter 19.
Is quite boring
in the eyes of the beholder.
Yet,
scattered tears on the kitchen floor
and missed smiles.
It’s a beautiful chapter,
and the next chapter
would be entirely different
If I didn’t read this one.