Why am I worthy of the utmost respect?
This can only be answered with a short summary that is very emotional.
I was an unwanted, and unexpected baby, born to a young mother that didn’t really want to be a mother. I’m told that my mother left me in wet diapers, that burned my sensitive baby skin with urine. I’m told that she left me crying and did not meet my emotional needs. This was proven to be the case.
I was bounced around and handed over to anyone that would take care of me and to many that didn’t.
Due to this, I was unable to form bonds, or form healthy connections to others because I didn’t feel safe. That’s the easy and less painful way to put it into words. I never believed that I had a purpose. Until my grandparents decided that enough was enough. I’m told that my grandfather saw something special in me, and that he believed that I could break the family cycle if he were to take custody of me. That my friends was the beginning of the rest of my young life. It wasn’t easy growing up in a very broken environment. I have been in therapy since I was 4. Unfortunately, I had to do some of it with a very detached mother. At that point, one starts to realize that they have to protect themselves. That they have to be strong. Also, that they are worthy of love. It’s not easy at all, in fact, it’s one of the loneliest battles to fight. My best friends became my stuffed animals in my bedroom and each day I would line them up in my room and ask them how we could solve the problems of the day. A bad visit with my mother? Check! I was a bad girl today. Check. I didn’t know which end was up many days because my decisions were made for me in court by a judge. I had to have the visits that would lead me deeper into the spiral of self confusion and insecurities.
I spent most of my young life trying to gain the approval of my mother. Instead, I became her biggest disappointment which she would almost always let me know. Michelle, why can’t you be more like your sister. You’re such a wimp. Such a cry baby, overly sensitive etc. Her words burned into my heart and I couldn’t quite figure out how I was so different from others. Generational Trauma is real. Also known as generational curses. Breaking that cycle is very hard. I fought for years. I fawned, and I tried to be the image of what my mother wanted me to be. I am now 45 years old, and both my grandfather, and my mother have passed away. I lost my mother in 2019 and we were estranged at the time of her passing. When all of the painful memories start to rest their ugly heads it is my Grandma who encourages me now. She supports me and when I cry to her, I tell her I feel as if I am just floating here on earth, it is her words that keep me going. I no longer float along this life because I know that I was born to fly. We all deserve respect. We are all worthy of love. We are all beautiful hearts and our purpose is to try uplift the broken. To love the unloved. To encourage the hopeless and to help others accept who they are with no judgement.
That my friends makes me worthy of the utmost respect. The journey that I have fought through the last 45 years.
*Hopefully this writing makes sense and touches souls.
Trauma has taught this woman that she deserves nothing more than 100% respect. We all deserve the utmost respect.

Shelle Belle

Dearest Shelle Belle,
I don’t know why you are so hard on yourself. You’re learning and moving forward making the best of each new day. It’s 1993 and you have entered into the next stages of your life. Your music selection is a wide variety of artists, which speaks volumes of who you are. As you walk down the graffiti tagged streets of Denver you hold your head high even though the environment around you feels unsafe and scary, you keep pushing forward with your dreams. These streets will never break you. You have so much to accomplish. Follow your dreams. Be your own hero. Keep moving forward. They tried to dim your light when they assaulted you, but you pushed through. You never gave in. You never gave up, and for that my friend you grew into the beautiful and amazing you. A young mom at 16, just a baby yourself. You continued to grow. I’m proud of you.
For motherhood is tough enough even when one is ready. You took it on. Life stops for no one. Each day a new adventure. Smile, but also honor the tears that you shed when you feel lost in your head. There is clarity ahead. You just have to believe.

I don’t know if you will remember me, but I wanted to let you know, I will never forget you. I was the young mother trying so desperately to survive. Hands holding on to my two little boys, and a car seat at my feet, and had my little ones so closely by my side as I checked into the hotel.
I was exhausted and I was terrified. I think you saw my blacked eye through the makeup that I tried so hard to hide from the world. I only had cash, as he was closely watching our bank account.
The woman working the front desk looked down on me and rolled her eyes when I tried to explain that I didn’t have a credit card or debit card for personal reasons, but I promised I was not going to throw any destructive party’s with my babies in tow. The truth is, I didn’t know who I could trust. I just wanted to rest. I wanted to feel secure, and to hold my babies tightly at night instead of standing watch for the headlights to pull into the driveway bringing home a drunken monster. Anyways, enough of that. You stood up from your chair, and you approached the impatient lady with your credit card. You sternly told her to “put a week on your tab” My jaw must have hit the floor because you put your hand on my shoulder ever so gently, and ushered me aside to where your beautiful wife and daughter were sitting. She picked up the car seat and walked with me to the elevator. It was unreal. The silence. You handed me my room card, and softly asked me if someone I loved had left those marks on my body. Through tears, I could only nod my head. They wouldn’t stop coming down. Your beautiful wife held me in her arms. She told me to “let it all out” that I was safe from harm. You explained to me that you held a high position in the local church, and that you and your family were staying at the hotel because your home had flooded. You placed something in my hand, and we parted ways. The next morning, there was a bag of groceries at my door. There was clothes for my kids, and a few items that I needed for myself. The morning after that, a beautiful basket of fruit with a note that said- you are so loved. The morning after that, donuts for us. Each morning, a new blessing was left at my door. My week ran out, and I had to go. I never saw you, or your beautiful wife. I didn’t even know which room was yours. When I checked out, there was no information on the sheet for billing and privacy purposes, they had to cover it with something before I received my copy. I never got to say thank you. For the time I had in that hotel was the most beautiful and relaxing of times. I was able to find clarity. I was able to think about my future for the very first time since the local shelter told me they only had room for myself and one child- I thank you kindly and Sir. With all of my heart. You, and your beautiful wife. For being my Angel. In my darkest time.
Because of you, I am safe. I am strong. You showed me that there was kindness. Many years later, I think of you, I think of her as I do my very best to create special gift bags for the victims and their children as they enter into what is the scariest of times. Thank you again, for your beautiful light. Grateful beyond words,
– Michelle

Kindness has been hidden, everyone is so guilt ridden and full of fear. Believe in your neighbors. Reach out to someone that is struggling.Check on your friends daily. Be the example of love. In my bubble, I feel that judgement is far too common, jealousy is a curse and that negativity is contagious. Greed and power are handed out to those who abuse their privileges loudly. I would love to see a world where you are safe to speak out about your insecurity and weakness instead of the movie and make believe kind of violence and drama each day. Encourage those who are confused and help them find their way back to their truth. Help the less fortunate, but do not make it a dependable process. TEACH instead of preach. Understand that success is not measured by wealth, but by soul. The change starts with our hearts. I would love to see more education and encourage self sufficiency in learning, not just brain skills. It is true, most of us with a college education have spent thousands only to feel lost at the very end. Partner violence is huge, yet there are not enough resources to help those post abuse. I am trying to change that. Beautiful hearts are overwhelmed and overlooked often. A good deed is taken wrong or mistaken for greed. It is run by fear. The news, is never good news anymore. It only focuses on the darker parts of life. Let’s tell the world of the heros and the dreamers. The good deeds and the pure hearts. Instead of selling the darkness that feeds the depressed. I dream of communication and community instead of corruption and conspiracy.
Reach out a hand to another need. Support and listen to another’s dream. If you can help encourage anyone do that. Be a stepping stone to build another up. Not step on their heart. Believe that change is possible. Believe that we can all be the change. I’d love to see no more wars or fighting. No crime or hate. Maybe just maybe if we took a step back and opened our inner hearts we could understand better.
Fundraise to make a change for what you believe in. Speak your truth proudly without shame or blame. Believe that each of us are capable to bring about a better world in our own special ways. We can all be the change.