Dear Mikaela LAUREN tick.

Today is the 10-year anniversary of which you PHYSICALLY passed.

Whenever I talk about you it’s ALWAYS in the PRESENT TENSE because I KNOW that you are ALWAYS guiding me down the hill , “looking down” on me, BUT that is the EXACT OPPOSITE. You look UP to me because of the thing that I fear people look down on me for.

As I go into the work force, I worry that no matter how sharply I dress, my Wobble will force me to immediately turn around – hey that rhymes😂

I know that you are there with me, telling me,“You are the one that needs to walk that frame of mind out the door!” I slowly have by writing about my disability.

Losing you physically will never become clear to me; it is clear as day that you are with me by this telling story.

Several months ago – maybe a year, I went out with Aunt Debbie and started telling her my struggles to feed myself the confidence I needed. On her suggest, I started following this on Instagram.

One day, while waiting for the bus to go skiing, a favorite activity of ours, I scrolled through my account and saw she was being interviewed on this platform, The Unsealed.

The platform turned out to be run by a woman named LAUREN, a former Sports Journalist, who created it to allow people such as myself, to tell their stories.

I JOINED and every since, I’ve been UNSEALING stories about my disability and life AND you bet THIS is GOING UP THEIR!

Please consider donating ANY AMOUNT of $$ to help Mikaela’s mission and the reason she IS an OT, SEEING the ABILITY in people!
The link is on my Instagram and Facebook bio!

LOVE YOU,🐘

JAKEY💜

“Mommy,” you hear the child screaming for you as they continue to bang on the door. On the other side, the tears continue falling as you pray asking God for strength. Secretly, you hope they will eventually give up, but they don’t. Their crying only gets louder than yours. “Pull it together” you tell yourself as you look in the mirror, splash water on your face, and pull your hair pack. You finally open the door, and your child asks you “mommy why were you crying?” You reply, “mommy wasn’t crying” and just embrace them. The embrace brings comfort to you both, but inside you know it will not be long before you have another breakdown.

No one likes to talk about the challenges of parenting. Instead, we like to pretend like we have it all figured out. We are ashamed and embarrassed to admit that parenting is one of the most difficult, underappreciated, misunderstood jobs in the world. I am here to break the silence, and to speak on my challenges, and the challenges of those who have not yet (but one day will) be able to use their voice to reach an audience just like you.

How can you be emotionally available for someone when you are battling your own mental health? Having to attend to a crying, screaming child amid a panic attack is one of the hardest things to do. Or how about feeling the pressure of having to keep your child safe, but you cannot even protect yourself because you feel trapped in a violent relationship. How can you feel like you are doing “a good job” when you are on the verge of getting evicted or the lights are about to get cut off? How can you enjoy being a parent when your child has been diagnosed with a condition that consists of behavioral challenges, developmental delays, or even something life threatening? What happens when the truth whispers in your ear “you don’t enjoy being a mother.” I remember that night as if it were yesterday. I was sleeping on the porch following another episode of violence at the hands of his father. I felt like something was not right, so I went to the emergency room to find out I was pregnant. The love for our children is never the question. It is the circumstances that surround us that make it difficult to enjoy parenting.

No one likes to talk about challenges. Instead, we go on vacations, take pictures with matching outfits, and smile so no one sees through the dysfunction. Yet, none of that is real, and none of that can help someone who really needs it. My son has two more years before he graduates high school. I miss those nights when he would sneak into my bed with his million and one teddy bears. I miss him wanting to take pictures with me, and our holiday traditions. I miss the old us when it was just us. But those days are so far from me. Now, I am “bruh,” the lady who won’t stop yelling for him to take out the trash. The lady who sits in silence at the football games to ensure I do not embarrass him. He spends more time out with his friends than at home. I can only pray he makes the right decisions. But what happens when your teenage child finds every opportunity to remind you of your mistakes? What if the only person available to blame is you? How do you process angry and hurtful words? How do you forgive yourself?

How do you forgive yourself when your child is struggling with addiction, and you do not know how to help them? Or how do you forgive yourself when you continue to lose that very same battle and are unable to be what the parent they need and deserve? How do you forgive yourself when they told you they had been sexually abused but you never believed them? How do you try and raise a child to believe in God, when you lack faith yourself? How do you explain divorce to a child? How do you explain to your six-year-old child that we are moving because mommy needs a new start? How do you explain to a crying child that daddy won’t be back for months because he is helping to keep the world safe? How do you explain the death of a parent to a child?

I want you to know that I understand. I understand you on the days when it is the hardest. I understand you on the days you want to give up and on the days you feel alone. Do not give up! You are not alone. This is proof of it! There is no situation that is more difficult than the other. We are all trying to figure it out. It doesn’t matter if your child has graduated from the most prestigious college or has the most successful career. No parent is perfect, and we have all made mistakes along the way. I am here to tell you that it is okay. You are doing the best you can, with what you have (which just maybe you.) Please be gentle and kind to one another. Do not remind each other of past mistakes. Instead embrace one another. Share resources and words of encouragement. Pray for one another and create safe spaces to share the truths about the challenges of parenting. It takes a village to raise a child. I pray we all find our village of people who are willing to be there without casting judgement. Someone who will say “how can I help?” At different stages, our children require different things from us, and as they grow, we grow with them. May love forever bloom between you and your children.

I loved you before you saw me, before our eyes locked, when we shared a heartbeat. I dreamed of you. I imagined what you would look like when I held you in my arms for the first time. I never realized that I would have to break our bond so that you could thrive.
You see, I had a monster that followed me. He broke my heart and he broke my bones.
My spirit was the last to go when he attacked my beautiful dreams of raising you with your brothers and sister. The very thought of the monster finding us, and involving you, drove a sword deep into my chest and pierced my heart. Your innocence had to be protected. I searched my soul and found you a promising Mother and Father.
I knew they would protect you, that they would teach you to be the best man there ever is/ was. I trusted them to love you, and to honor our precious bond. Things turned out so terribly wrong for me. I’m deeply grateful that everything is amazing for you. Except that my heart broke into a thousand mini pieces the day that I had to say goodbye to you. In the rain, as they wheeled me out of the hospital holding your car seat so close to my heart your beautiful eyes locked onto mine. I felt so ashamed. I loved you so much my beautiful Son. I handed you over to your the wonderful man that was to become your Father. I believe in that moment, I felt my heart snap. You started to cry, and suddenly everything I thought I was doing that was right felt so terribly wrong. I think that it was the breaking of what had been our bond. I never saw you again. They had to move far away, and they told me that they would let me be a part of your life, but you still do not know me. I only receive pictures of you on Christmas, and sometimes your birthday. I never quite understood how a heart could be broken by a situation, yet coming to a realization of the situation being a blessing in disguise would make it whole again.
That will make no sense at all to many, all that matters is that I know what I am saying. It’s not an “adoption” they are your guardians, yet they are your Mother, and Father to me. However; You are still my Son too. I don’t want to confuse you so I stay far away. I open your pictures when I receive them, and I pray. I hope that one day, you will understand that they needed you, and WE needed them. I am kind of your mother, I love you more that you will ever know. I just hope our bond is strong enough that you will not be harmed by my decision to give you the world while mine was quaking and crumbling with fear and unstableness. They gave you everything that I could not. I love you…

Dear Daddy,
My earliest memory of you was getting a goodbye kiss in the morning before you would go off to work. I would have my head on the pillow and you leaned down, gave me a kiss on the cheek and say I will see you tonight. I was the oldest of 3 girls so I had some special alone time with you. For example, when I was about 8 years old you took me to work with you. It was very exciting to spend a whole day with you and have you all to myself.
I have so many beautiful memories because I was blessed to have you for 66 years. Not many people live to that age and can say they still have their Dad. Well I am older now and I have lost you and it now there is a void in my life.You were always my sweet daddy. The man I looked to with love and admiration. I am so glad I was always able to express to you these feelings. You are the reason I am, what I consider, a good person.
Well life goes on. My children are older and are very good people. They are both hard workers and have good hearts. I have a grandson now. Thank you for giving me so many opportunities in life. You worked hard for your family and your sacrifices are appreciated every day. I was given a great blessing to have you as my father. My loving daddy Calvin David Kalstein, my WW2 navy hero.
Love, Your forever adoring daughter,

Dear Grandpa,

It’s been nearly 25 years since I last saw you, and what I remember most about you is how you made me feel. Whether at dinner on the holidays, playing cards, or sitting in your living room telling stories, you lived with a joy and zest for life that was so effortless, natural, and contagious.

Growing up, you were very athletic, just like me. So when I would tell you about the plays I made or the goals I scored, you’d say, “That’s my little athlete,” knowing I got my athletic prowess from you. I was very outgoing as a child, telling a stranger my whole life story within the first five minutes of meeting them. Since you were not short of personality at any point in your life, you’d always say, with a grin, “We know where that one came from.”

When I was around you, I always felt like you loved and believed in me and were proud that I was your granddaughter. Grandpa, you always made me happy, and you always made me smile.

For many years, you had health problems: diabetes, cancer, and heart problems. During the fall of my first year of high school, you had what felt like your 10th heart attack and passed away the Friday after Thanksgiving. I was devastated. Your death was the first time I lost someone close to me. But I pressed on.

For years, you told me the rain was good luck. So, to cope, I looked for rain to stay connected to you – a way to know you were still there. Sure enough, it rained on the day I graduated from high school. On August 15th, 2012, which would have been your 85th birthday, I was offered my first full-time on-air sports anchor/reporter job. It was pouring outside. And more recently, when I met my boyfriend, who treats me so well and makes me laugh, I asked what his name meant. When he said he didn’t know, I looked it up. His name means the God of Rain.

With all my heart, Grandpa, I believe you are watching over me. You know I became a sportscaster, and you love that I started a business that advocates for kindness, courage, and equality. You are so overjoyed about the quality of my new boyfriend’s character, and you think it’s funny how my dog doesn’t let anyone within three feet of me. In fact, I think you may have something to do with that.

So more than telling you that I miss you or even that I love you, what I want you to know is how you made me feel when I was a little girl is how you make me feel now.

Thank you for still making me smile. Thank you for still making me happy.

Love your little athlete,

When I moved here, I didn’t know myself. I certainly didn’t love myself. I don’t like to think that it took losing you for those things to happen, but I know that for a long, long time, you were my only trans friend— or you and your husband were, until you both died, the same night, in one another’s arms, nine years ago. I know that when you died my own trans baby was only five and still becoming an idea of a person. I wasn’t ready to face my grief over you or any grief over the trauma of my past. I felt like motherhood was the only way I could survive being trans and alone in the world. And then, their little hand tendrilled into mine like a vine and they came out when they were seven. When I fought for resources for them, I found a way to get a little of what I needed, too. Mateo, my friend, my confidante, my comrade, my dreamer, my laughter, my spark, I feel like you would understand these dark times we are facing right now and how much I miss you. You gave me permission to find warmth in the sunshine, roots in the earth, solace in the water, and breath in the air. I took this winter to grieve you and your husband, and so many other people and moments I have lost. I am planning now on how to take the rest of my life to thrive. I feel at peace in this way, this moment before the bloom. I feel so much gratitude for how your life gave me life, always. You did not fight for any of us in vain. I still wear gold shoes and black eyeliner, for you. Always love, always the trans flag and the chin up. We do not have the luxury of shame. I believe in us.

Never in a million years would I have ever thought it would be YOU.
To bring my heart so much pain like throwing salt on an open wound
You were my why and one of the most special gifts from God that I truly admired.
Wanting the best life for you gave me reason to work harder.
I wanted to be the mother to you that I always longed for and
what was once a blessing now seems like a curse
Oh, how I never thought the tables would turn.
Though I will always love you my heart resembles a broken glass and
Though pain and disappointment has cut me so deep
I just cover it up with a mask.
How could you say you love me yet cause me so much pain
I’m constantly worried and praying for you.
while you’re out without a care in the world dancing in the rain
When you sit back and reflect on your life
All of your happiest moments were due to MY sacrifice.
Now I’m lucky if you would even consider my advice
You have transformed from my baby, my first love
To a person that’s intentionally toxic in my life and
As I try to figure out what caused this change I have yet to figure out why
But as much as you have hurt me
I cant find it in my heart not to love you
Just know my objective was always to the best mom I could ever be to you
But with the results I see I count it as a mission failed
But I know God can change anything.
So in the meantime, I’m waiting for him to prevail.

Parenting reveals a love in you that you never knew exist. Thats the real definition of love at first sight sealed with a gentle kiss. You have this new human that soley belongs to you now you can finally put a face to them kickball kicks you felt in your womb. Everything changes in a instant and you are officially titled a mom, and the weight that comes with this title automatically mentally mentions that you are STRONG. But may I full warn you that you have a long road ahead and there are many things you will experience especially when you are not prepared. Its levels to this parenting process that you will surely go through, but every child is different so best wishes to you. No matter what you must keep the faith and don’t give up because abandonment is not a option no matter how many nerves they grow up and pluck. Its attending games, recitals and graduations and planning birthdays and sleepovers that make the life of parenting feel so rewarding. Not to mention if you are a respected example as a parent they may inquire for your advice and opinion and even share the issues of their heart and their deepest dark secrets. Parenting is trial and error but it’s a mandatory assignment to LOVE. Remember love is a action word and a valid license to serve. Parenting produces memories and is also designed to introduce good habits and sometimes the pointers that you may get from books and pamphlets don’t always make you a great parent. Its dedication mixed with prayer and bullet proof patience and a community of support that’s willing to listen in a conversation and not sit in the judgment seat like there mirrors are windex clean but remind you that you are not alone because we stand as a team. So parenting is a community full of experiences and advice so welcome aboard and buckle up for the ride.

Dear precious daughter,

I am writing this letter to you with a heavy heart, as I never got the chance to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you. You were taken away from us too soon, and it has been a source of immense pain for me and your mother ever since.

I want to apologize to you for not being there for your mother after we lost you. I was in so much pain and felt so helpless that I didn’t know how to be there for her. I thought it was the right thing to do to distance myself from the situation, but looking back, I know that it only made things worse.

My inability to be there for your mother during that time caused a rift in our relationship that led to the eventual breakdown of our marriage. I know that I bear some responsibility for this, and it’s something that I have been carrying with me for a long time.

Losing you left a void in my life that nothing could ever fill. It felt like a part of me had been taken away, and I was unable to find any relief from the pain. But then, one day, you came to me in a dream, and it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

You let me know that you are with me, even though I can’t hold you in my arms. You are here for me in my heart and my soul, and that has brought me some measure of comfort over the years. I still cry for you, thinking about how I wasn’t there for you and your mother when we needed each other the most.

I want you to know that you are loved and missed every day. I know that I can never make up for the pain that I caused, but I promise to honor your memory and carry you with me always.

Love always,
Your Father

MIKAELA LAUREN TICK!

I WRITE A DAY LATE. YOUR BIRTHDAY was yesterday: LITERALLY, I AM a DAY LATE.

On July 27, 2014, you passed, PHYSICALLY; it was a rare HEART CONDITION. YOU HAVE A RARE HEART. A golden HEART. Check that, a 💜! (your FAV COLOR) and an attitude akin to an 🐘 with its tusks ⬆️. You had those up EVERYWHERE

EVERY SINGLE PERSON feels a DAY LATE, A DOLLAR SHORT occasionally and it was those moments that you INFUSED YOUR SMILE to LIFT THEIRS UP!

That SMILE FEELS PRICELESS to EVERYONE; it IS PRICELESS EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY, FLOWING WITH GENUINE and PURE LOVE no MATTER WHAT, BUT, LIFTING people’s TUSKS up is YOUR SUPERPOWER!

YOU LITERALLY took the OCCUPATION out of OCCUPATIONal therapy: VOLUNTEERING at St. Mary’s, and ALWAYS HOLDING HANDS with EVERYONE!

KALS LOVES HOLDING HANDS -especially for people with DIFFERENT ABILITIES: Camp HELPING HANDS is where it started!!

So PLEASE put YOUR “HAND IN THE JAR and give ANY AMOUNT of MONEY AND/ OR TIME

LY, ALWAYS!!

Until we meet again,

🐘 ⬆️

Jakey!

Credit: Picture from MLT’s Instagram Page

From the moment I was born you were mine. My parents had chosen you to be my godmother, a duty which you took very seriously. When I look back you were always there for every one of my milestones; my Baptism, my first few words, my first steps, my first haircut, my Confirmation and First Communion, my high school graduation. You were even there when I got my acceptance letter to St. Joseph’s College. When I moved into St. Joe’s you took me under your wing and made sure I always knew that I had a safe place to go when I wanted to get off campus. You enjoyed spending time with me and even invited me on outings like going blueberry picking with you, your daughter, and your granddaughter. You became my second mom when my mom was 7 hours away.

And then unexpectedly you passed. There was no warning. There was no chance to say goodbye. You were gone. I remember where I was when I got the call. My entire floor had just gone to a trampoline park and we were hungry so we went to get ice cream. I saw my mom had texted me but thought nothing of it when she said “call me.” My sister texted me and told me to call mom. I texted back “why? Is it an emergency?” She responded “yes.” I excused myself from the group and ran to my RA’s car and called my mom. I could hear on the other end she was crying. She told me that you had passed and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I crumbled in a ball. I remember my mom asking “Hannah are you ok?” I don’t remember what I said. I remember my RA, a guy I didn’t know very well, and the girls on my floor coming back to the car and finding me weeping. My RA asked what was wrong and all I could get out between sobs were “SHE. IS. GONE.” It didn’t take long for denial and then shock and then loneliness to set in. I remember after the funeral we walked the middle aisle to the back of the church as a family. I remember everyone grabbing onto each other’s hand, but I had one hand free. The hand that you would have held if you were still alive. I didn’t know how I was going to live one day without you, let alone 8 years.

Grief still steals the air right out of my lungs sometimes, but I like to think that since you have gone I have been managing my grief and learning to breathe again. In the 8 years since you have been gone I have been working to build and live a life that you would be proud of. There are so many life milestones that I wish you could’ve been here for. Still I have to believe that you’ve seen them or at least know about them. Let’s start from the beginning. I graduated from St. Joseph’s with a bachelor’s degree in theology with minors in secondary education and psychology. From there I moved to Southern Maine and started my first job working for the Diocese. 4 years later I am still working there and I love what I get to do and who I get to meet through this job. Shortly after I graduated undergrad I decided to apply for grad school and was accepted to Felician University’s Master of Arts in Religious Education program. In the middle of this the pandemic happened. I began counseling in order to heal wounds from the past. And oh what a year 2022 was. I graduated with my Master’s and our family had a party to celebrate. I know you would’ve been there if you could’ve been. Family was your number one priority. I also went on a service trip to Kentucky to work with the Christian Appalachian Project in honor of you and all my loved ones who have passed away because you all were people who served others with love. We were doing home repair. And oh my gosh that trip was probably the best thing I did this past summer. I learned and experienced so much. I know if you were here today we would’ve gotten together to discuss it over coffee and donuts. I am so grateful to God for giving me that opportunity. I have no idea what 2023 holds (maybe you do….I don’t know how that works), but I hope that each day I do something that makes you proud.

This letter is getting long, so I’ll conclude with some things that I always want you to know.

I celebrate because you lived.
I still grieve because you died.
I am still impacted by your love and kindness.
I will always remember you.
I wish you were here.
I love you still.

Love,

Dear Father-In-Law,

I have had the pleasure of spending the last 11 years with your son as my life partner. We have had our ups and downs, that has not stopped us from enjoying our lives together. When I walked into your son’s life there wasn’t much he would talk about with me when it came to you because he was still in pain. I know it must have been hard knowing you were leaving him and your wife so soon in life.

While I know you only got to spend 9 years with him physically, I know you have been here for his whole life. I want to thank you for giving him something I never had the pleasure of experiencing, what a father is supposed to be. When he and I met I had children already and your 22 year old son took them as if they were his! He has given our children the best gift possible, the gift of having a father, something every child should have.

He has spent majority of his life going to school and building a career and he is excelling even beyond his expectations. He now has a Masters in Financial Analysis. He has become a major asset within the company he works for in FinTech. FinTech, is a major player in todays world and it is 100% where you would want him to be! Your son has the potential to run this world if he truly wants it.

He and I have been working on healing individually and together and you would be proud to know, that healing is trickling down the line. Our family has never been stronger! We are all learning to lean in and onto each other. I know the conversations you and your wife, him mama, my madrina, had in the past and I’m here to tell you she has kept every promise!

I know you moved into the spiritual world long before I came along but you have presented yourself to me before I even knew it was you. I know you walk closely to all of your grandchildren and you will never truly know how much that puts this mama bear at ease. Your grandson is named after you and he and Abualita are best friends! If you cant find one, look for the other.

Having the honor of watching him grow and be a small version of you and your son makes it me smile on the inside and out. I watch that little boy and get lost in how much I now know you because of him. Everyone tells me all of your traits they see in him; like when he walks around like El Hefe with his hands behind his back observing closely or when he puts his hand on his hips as if to show he is the man of the house. I know when your close because he will carry the same limp my husband’s siblings tell me you had.

Your money clip was given to my husbands brother when you passed because you two share a name. Well, he had your name taken off of the money clip and turned into a necklace for your grandsons second birthday. Your grandson, the opinionated boy he is, refused to wear it, so I wore it for a while. Thank you, the time I wore that necklace is the time I felt you the most. And during that time I felt like I was blessed enough to somehow get to know you the best.

It has been and continues to be an absolute honor being your sons wife and your grandchildren’s mother. I want you to rest easy knowing I’ve got them! I appreciate you continual protection and being there with them when I physically cant. Please know they are all safe and loved! Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to continue to remind them, especially your son, how proud you are of them!

You may be gone; however, you will never be forgotten. Take care of my Angel babies for me please.

With love and light,
Your Daughter-In-Law