Sunset comes in muted hues

Orange fire and baby blues

Seaside skies, so vast in views

Birds pass lovers, two by twos

The day erased to bygone news

Sunlight fades to starry muse

Gentle flames from bonfires fuse

Bring restful bliss from daytime’s ruse

From sunrise lies to nighttime truths

Our life resets when dawn renews

Loving yourself is not easy
Thinking about it makes me dizzy.
My head spirals like the wind
I think about what could have been
Would my love for myself be different if I had not let society’s opinion take me on this tailspin?
I wish I were a dog
Not remembering their last internal sin.
Giving myself love should not be difficult
But my happiness does not come from within!
Relying on others for my happiness will never allow me to feel that “win”
All it does is cause me to throw my accomplishments into the trash bin
However, it’s never too late to recycle
Recognizing where I have been.
Self-love is hard
But life is like a sport
Always giving you a chance to get that comeback win
Before I throw my accomplishments in the bin
Not remembering where I have been
I certainly will remember this poem and its satisfaction.
I love myself because I know I can win!

Hello in there, is your head working yet? Here just take another pill.
For breakfast every morning I have a colorful array of meds.
Just so I can fit in, I hate it I really do. don’t worry here’s another pill to cheer you up, one to keep u from your nightmarish dreams. One to stay awake, one for pain, another to be in a. Good mood, one to make you stay in a good mood. but it might take a few meds to find the right one
My mind feels perfectly fine.
Another appointment? Let’s change it up. A few MG’s up a few down.
Are you ready for another round
Ya, I’m down.
I hear a sound. Let’s wing it this timeIt’ll be fine, You’ll feel so much better. You might even get a little thinner.
Who knows, the sky’s the limit! That’s the ticket, keep on taking them they’ll keep on making em.
Addicting those that are weak, and seem to only seek The ones they can critique….

I was asked why I loved myself.
Hmm, that’s a good question.
Could it be because of how well I play with the cards that have been dealt?
How I managed to cure myself of depression?
How I chosen to turn every loss into a lesson?
Maybe the compassion I have, not only for others but also for myself?
You’d think that I’d be put first in that previous sentence but, I’ve just recently learned how to give myself grace.

I love how big my heart is.
So big that I’ve allowed it to misguide me at times.
I’ve allowed people to break it plenty of times.
But I love that, no matter how many times it broke, I chose to pick up the pieces and heal them on my own.
I love my optimism and my willingness to be open-minded.
Seeing the glass half full & being open to all possibilities has kept me together.
If it weren’t for that, my life would be completely different.

I love & embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly within myself, because if I don’t, how can someone else?
Don’t get me wrong, some people will love you no matter how much or little you love yourself.
But the ones who don’t, are the manifestations of your internal reality.
All based on how you believe you’re perceived in this world.
So I choose to love myself because that’s what love is.
Choosing to put effort into committing to the relationships in your life
No matter how difficult it may be

Love is choosing to accept the people in your life for all that they are.
And letting go of trying to control things you cannot
I cannot control the people that have tried to make me hate myself.
I can only see how little love they may have for themselves & show compassion.
And so I choose to do the same for myself.
I choose to accept & love all of myself
Because I am so ever deserving of it.

You’re Confident
You’re Beautiful
You’re Loving
You’re Kind
This beautiful heart that has developed
To care about individuals as much as you do
The confidence you truly found in you
I’m proud and love the woman I’ve become
It took me a long time to get here
You’re a queen
You’re a goddess
You are it
No one can take this away from you
You made it Vision
You love you
You don’t doubt yourself anymore
You believe in you
I love who you have grown into
A true Vision of Love

My body,
What do you think of when I say that phrase ?

Do you cringe in disgust or feel a deep praise?

Whichever side you find yourself on the line..
let me tell you about mine, and how an injury to my spine..

Completely changed the way that I lived life,
I’m grateful to be a father, because my surgeons weren’t sure if I could give life,

Even though it’s uncomfortable I’m thankful for this steel wear,
because the alternative, was being 23 in a wheelchair,

This shit got on my nerves,
especially after finding out that I had nerve damage,
I wasn’t disabled but definitely at a disadvantage.

I had to change my vantage point, and be thankful that my joints and tendons and bones-
overcame their adversity to reclaim my home.

My body.

the only place I know I get to live in,

I need to start honoring it and begin to forgive it.
There’s things I deal with but maybe you’re different,

Maybe you can’t help that you have a genetic diagnosis,
my heart shatters for every woman with endometriosis.

Maybe you have anxiety and depression,
maybe you carry an epipen and dread the day you need to press it.

Or maybe you suffer from Disphormia, or anorexia,

Or adhd, austism, dyslexia

But then again
Maybe you’ve never felt sexier,
Do your eyes turn to stone when you pass by a mirror,
But please open them and to see yourself clearer.

Seek out , don’t turn the other cheek baby let your cheeks out!
Let your freak out,

Speak out, no! speak up
to your body and give it praises,
cuz even if you despise it, each day it still raises..

you… out of your bed.

So , get of your head if you can, because just like you, the rest of us are doing the best we can.

But i get it, not feeling in love with yourself.

Man I really use to be in incredible shape,
Then I got injured and really struggled with my weight,
I would starve my self and would hate what I ate ,
I could feel judging eyes removing things from my plate.

But now I’ve accepted that I no longer need to be that athlete, my varsity days are over, I’m not going to the track meet,

I don’t need to complete great athletic feats anymore,
just want to play with and pick up my son,

I need to be thankful for what my body can do right now, rather than miss out on what it’s already done,

Why are we so concerned with the way we look rather than the way we feel,
we put our bodies through so much pain and never allow them to heal.

Also,
Let me just shout out to all the mothers!
Because you should love your body more than all the others,

So what ? you may have stretch marks, those battle scars makes you look more womanly,
you are everything that a man couldn’t be !

For you did the most physically demanding thing there is and gave birth.
A woman’s body is the most powerful thing on earth!

Your body has gone through a lot it’s changed I understand, but please, don’t hate your body for what it can’t do, and love it for what it can.

Oh-three-thirty
the “am” is implied
it can be considered (in military speak)
as zero-dark-thirty
either way, wakefulness is present
outside the sleeping bag cover in camp.

Yeah, still dark outside
my hound and I go out
and the in the darkness
all one has to do is look
up. There is the splendor
of the night sky, clear, starry, unobscured.

Funny how neither of us even thought
about the night critters that may be about
he relying on my presence for safety
my reliance on him for his superior night vision
and sense of smell to warn.

What pictures are there painted in the dark
with steadying brush in hand, trying not to drip
dusky colors off the palette?

Looking up, at the show of night sky
there is no admission, save wakefulness
the theater is quiet, as if in anticipation
of the drawing back that thick purple curtain
still no noises, the dark is silent.

My eyes only see the the vision of the stars
that I am native to see
over the treetops to the left
are such bright pinpoints
close together enough to be a cluster, perhaps
one must be a planet, intense light from there
I shall have to find out which
still I realize that the visions
from the Webb space telescope
are far more lustrous, clearer.

Returning to the tent
the hot coffee is waiting
mist curling up off the coffeepot spout
like some close up nebulae in the cool morn.

I am full of wonder
not sleep, that was a thing of an hour ago

awaiting the sunrise,
and its chase of the darkness into the distant west.

Poem copyrighted 2023, Ray Whitaker

Dear, Unsealers:

Welcome to the month of December!

After the marathon that 2023 has been, we’ve reached the last mile. The finish line is in sight.

The first day of December is a very special day, as it’s my sister and I’s birthday.

38 years.

I’ve already been in tears twice today and I’m sure it’ll happen a few more times before this day ends thinking about it.

As my sister and I weren’t supposed to survive being born prematurely. My parents didn’t expect us to live but we did. And through all of the challenges that life has brought us, we’ve thrived.

If not for my sister, I wouldn’t love traveling, live music and theater. She’s been the source of strength and resilience that I look up to every day. Most importantly, she’s the first person to believe that I’m capable of a lot more than my cerebral palsy lets on.

My sister is my twin, my other half, my best friend and my hero.

I was in awe of the whimsies and romance.
I yearned for my art to comfort and soothe;
For my art to hold the listener’s hearthurt the way my hearthurt was held,
For my art to share imagery with songs of love,
To create beauty in death as he created it.

I wanted to be Hozier, but I have to be Poe, first.

I have to walk through my Inferno to reach such actualization.
My shadow still screams. Still cries.
Pieces of my younger self scattered in nine circles.

I have to talk to her and make peace with her.
I have to parent her.
I have to hold her.
I have to become one with her once more.

I will blood, guts, and gore my way through,
Just as the horrors led my way in.
The girl that wants to scream will scream and
Embrace the gross and the weird and the upset.

I will not become my own betrayer, no. So,
I am no longer my own betrayer, mine own Nth circle.
Treachery at mine own hands, no more.

Dear Unsealers,
I came up with an analogy to describe a battle with anxiety, I hope one can read this and feel less alone in their battles, or better yet, it will not resonate with you.

What every therapist tells you sounds a lot like stop, drop, and roll.
Firemen say that when there is an urgent flame upon you.
When you get anxious,
A therapist will tell you:
“Breathe, look around you, and slow down.”
But it’s easy when a fireman tells you the 3 simple steps.
You see the problem,
you put the flame out,
and you double check while on the floor.
But when in a panic attack;
You are already breathing too much,
looking around, you see everything inciting the anxiety to begin with.
And when you slow down,
You see how tired you really are.
Tired of putting out the flame,
every day,
every night,
only for it to reappear again and again.
Like a video game;
Bleep, bleep,
You lost five points.
You touched the fire ball.
And yet the whole time, you are repeating the steps.
“Karen, where did I go wrong this time?”
“I breathed!”
“I saw three colors!”
“I slowed down!”
“But then why am I burned?”
“Why am I covered in ash
Am I supposed to turn into a phoenix?”
“Or is the smoke clouding my vision?”
“That must be it
When I breathe the smoke is ingested to my lungs,
when I look around it’s all in dust,
when I slow down,
the flame engulfs me.”
“Haha, thanks Karen,
now I can’t feel anything.”
Numb to the fire.
Numb to the pain.
Now I’m just ash,
Watch me drift away.

Woke up in a daze not feeling like I wanted to go to work. I attempted to call out. Talked to my boss it was a definite NO, I need you come in… Uhg so I did. feeling bad about leaving my boss hangin I strolled in to work every thing was fine just as it should be. I set up and took my first client.second, third and so on and so forth, I noticed a boy and his mother walk in and sit down. The mother was called by the stylist the sat up front probably about 11 or 12 I would say… All of the sudden out of the corner of my eye I see him grabbing his throat and trying to cough. Without even a thought or a memory of how I got from.here to there it was like an outer body experience watching from above myself in motion attending and defending this little boys will to live. It was crazy, each thrust I felt his body get tighter it seemed like forever I was giving the heimlich maneuver. I’ll tell ya… it wasn’t “I hope” this thing. Comes out it was “going to” come out…. And it did the boy with a blue hue had a natural color to him again.
thank you to who ever what ever that was that came over me the boy started to cough just as the EMTs arrived I stepped a way. They were all clapping, my boss was crying and shaking as was I. My boss pulled me out back to talk she was like how, why if you took the day off…. I just glad you were here today.
The mother of the boy however was beyond her self gave me a hug asked how could she ever repay me for saving the boy I said to her… Him being
alive and breathing is payment enough.
This is my memorable moment….

Dear Unsealers,

I often fall into bouts of deep melancholy and sadness when I think about my life prior to coming out. I’ve learned that expressing my feelings immediately through poetry prevents me from sliding into a longer state of depression. I write, I cry, and I liberate the feelings from my mind. This has helped me so much over the last two years, it has literally saved my life.

Yesterday it happened again, and here is the result of my catharsis as I thought about my partner and all he has brought into my life. Thank you.

DEEP WATERS

You pulled me out of sadness

Like a fish caught on a hook

Loving me is all it took

Though the struggle was madness

Without will, without purpose

Your strength was a taut lifeline

As I drowned in my tears’ brine

And was pulled to the surface

Now I sit on our live’s pier

Letting sunlight dry my skin

And with your love, then begin

To breathe again warm summer air

Even now sometimes i have my moments
Moments where i feel like
I’m gonna fall apart
Can’t let it consume me
Let it go
Breathe just breathe
You’ve come so far
To go back
I know it hurts
You cry when you don’t want to
It’s trying to release
He’s gone
Your dad is gone
In the wind
You severely question
How can he not love you
Not be there for their for you
To still have breath in your lungs
But alas be gone
I never thought you would leave me again father
Why don’t you want me
When i am made up of half of your DNA
I can’t even say i hate you
I Love you Dad
But i have to let you go
You abandoned me
Came back
Left again
Came Back
Left again
Why come if you never intended to stay
Leave
You can’t be the reason
Theirs’s no peace
I will always love you
I have to live
To explore
Without a painful memory of you
Here is our long distance goodbye

Dear Unsealers,

I wrote this on the tarmac of my local airport as I witnessed my 16 year old son take his first solo flight. He didn’t even have a drivers license, yet he strapped into the cockpit of a single engine plane and piloting towards the runway. I felt helpless, proud, scared to death, and wanting to run behind his plane all at once. After what felt like a heart stopping forever, he skillfully landed the plane and taxied in. This moment will always be surreal and magical for me.

AIRBORNE

You sail across the mid-day sky

The wind upon my sullen face

You climb to heights unseen

I feel weightless

Like a feather tossed along by the playful wind

My mind is blank, like sterile moonlight

Your heart is warm, like the velvety morning sun

I feel helpless and hopeful

You are falling, drifting, gliding across the open horizon

I can move and love, freely

You can feel all of Earth beneath your unmarred feet

I hold the Universe across my fragile shoulders

And the silence roars into my ears

Along with the bristling of my every hair

The windy tears dry upon my sunburnt cheeks

You are weightless, drifting, soaring

And after seconds that seem like fragments of eternity

Gently, you land, into my embrace

Loneliness, a friend of mine

They keep me company, they take my time

They visit often and stay too long

They whisper dark things, sing sad songs

They drink along and share my glass

Thus wishing that our time won’t pass

Loneliness, the jealous type

They shun the social scene and hype

Prefers to keep me in my room

To make my mind a heavy tomb

Of grey-scale thoughts, of shadowed dreams

And feed me lethargy in reams

If I reach out or you reach in

My friend’s departure will begin

And pull me to the Sun and light

They’re only gone when when you’re in sight

Dear Unsealers,

Kalimera, from my office cubicle.

It’s been four days since I’ve returned back to NYC from Greece. I’ve been alternating between being glad to be back home after the fourteen day trip and missing being out on the road. As this trip has been quite an odyssey, of the non-Homeric kind.

Never did I imagine being able to climb up the Acropolis and seeing the Parthenon bathed in morning daylight. Or the twists and turns at Mycenae, the elevation to reach the monastery at Meteora and the seas of humanity at Fira and Oia. But I did all of it.

Nor, did I imagine taking part in a Greek cooking lesson, and Greek dancing not once, but twice. Lest I forget, a soccer team, AEK Athens and their fans invaded our hotel in Crete with their chants bringing a smile to this soccer fan’s face.

And for the big finish, a catamaran cruise around the islands of Santorini.

With me at my most blissful state, going down the ladder with my shirt off into the water and not feeling self-conscious for even one second in doing so. Just soaking up the sunlight with my fellow travelers on a sunny day.

The thirty two travelers in the group began to be like family as the trip went on, looking out for me as one of the few solo travelers.

As I responded to the email from the customer service department of the travel company used to book this trip, I couldn’t help but feel sad after I pressed send. After nine months of waiting and fourteen days of travel, this chapter of the travel story is closed. I haven’t been adjusting well to being back on this side of the Atlantic, though.

The sadness of being home will pass. Yet, the memories of this trip will stay with me forever. And there’s always the next trip to plan for.

I’m hopeful that I’ll be back on the road traveling internationally at this time next year.

A heartfelt Yamas! to our guide Dina, to our drivers during the trip Yannis, Nikos and Vorgios, to the college students and professional dances that joined us in Crete and to the thirty one fellow travelers that joined me on this trip.

The company that one is with makes the journey all the more special, as this trip was.

The year 2020 was one to remember and it’s one that I’ll never forget. The year 2001 was also one of those years between graduating high school, starting college two and a half hours away from the towers that collapsed on my TV screen within the first week of school. But, let’s get back to 2020 and how my mental health wasn’t the greatest.

It was March, my job gave me a laptop, a phone, an aruba box, sent me home and said, “figure it out and continue to get work done.” I was and still am in the medical field but on the backend.

The gym I was going to closed down and I lost my outlet to exercise and keep my body moving. I’m an athlete by nature, I’ve been playing basketball since the age of 8, I ran track briefly in high school. My life was completely different than what I was used to.

Confined to a house, and doing everything we were told to in regards to taking care of ourselves. While I was confined to my home, it put me in a big rut and the weather wasn’t the most kind (living in New York is not the greatest when it comes to consistent weather).

As spring turned to summer, the parks were closed until mid-July so no basketball for me. I was dealing with mild anxiety and depression. I would fight it and tell myself, “I’ll be fine” but the reality was, I wasn’t at all. I knew I needed help but as men, we aren’t necessarily told to speak to a therapist to get out what we’re dealing with and experiencing.

Black men are not told to vent out their feelings, emotions and struggles. Granted, I was writing books on men’s issues, I was lying to myself about what I was dealing with and experiencing. I kept telling myself, “I’ll get help when I move out.” Eventually I found an online therapy website and began my journey to getting better mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

I paid out of pocket and it was the toughest two months of my life. My therapist, I will always remember her name and the impact she had on my life. I hid my struggles from those closest to me and it wasn’t until September where I finally opened up to my mother, my aunt and my best friends about my struggles, what I was going through and how I’ve been in online therapy.

My room door would be closed on Fridays and as my mother worked from home in the living room, I’d be having my therapy sessions with my therapist. When I opened up to my mother, she was shocked, surprised but also sad. Sad because I couldn’t open up to her about my struggles, we have been so close but I didn’t feel good enough to tell her.

The shift and change in my life happened when I moved to Phoenix, Arizona on November 30th, 2020. The weather was 75 degrees, the sun was shining bright, people were outdoors running, riding their bikes and basking in the beauty of the backdrop of mountains in the city.

It wouldn’t be long before I bought a bike, rode the trail that was near my house, then I’d find a basketball court to get my workouts in. Days where I’d just stand outside of my apartment in the morning and let the sun rays hit my skin while I look at the mountains and feel so joyous and happy.

My trips back to New York would consist of family and friends telling me how different I was, how happy I looked and felt. That’s when it all sets in, sometimes where you live can determine your mental health. Sometimes the environment we are in needs to change to have a better outlook on life.

I always knew that a slower pace in life, scenery, being outdoors was meant for me. I live in palm trees, mountains, beautiful scenery and bike trails to run or bike on.

Whatever you’re going through in life, you can get through it. I was fortunate and blessed enough to get the help I need along with changing the environment I lived in. I feel comfortable in sharing my journey from struggles to triumph and I’m thankful for it.

It’s made me a better man, human being and it’s partly why I write the books I do. It’s to open dialogue, have uncomfortable conversations but also inspire and motivate each other to change the world.

The world is built on experiences and stories and we need to continually tell them. It’s the only way we’re going to find peace, joy and happiness within our hearts, minds and souls….

To a local bar we went with the intention of having a drink and blowing off some steam. at this point in time I was at the end of a bad relationship, and could have never imagined what lye await that night.
We walked in took a left and sat down. As we watched the bar stools like hawks, I noticed this good looking man out of the corner of my eye. At the time I didn’t pay much attention to him, just a good looking guy right? Except there was something,
Some seats finally opened up at the bar and Michelle and I took our rightful seats, ordered a drink and the night began… Getting up to use the bathroom after two or three drinks, I came back to take my seat once again, low and behold he (The good looking guy from earlier) had the nerve to take my seat. Me feeling a little tipsy and ballsy decided to tap on his shoulder and give him a peace of mind because at that point I was not in the mood to play this game, I couldn’t believe this guy
He turned to me and with a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face, he exclaimed he was sorry and gave me my seat back like a gentleman. I was impressed to say the least, But still just chalked it up to some bar banter. I’m not going to lie though my heart did begin to race a little, it was that feeling again But why was I feeling this with someone I just met we hadn’t even really talked what was I thinking, so we talk some more and suddenly we began kissing… God it was awesome I couldn’t stop myself it was like I released my body into his and everything fell into place exactly how it should have, it was like a storybook it felt amazing.
So here I am in a bar with my friend kissing a man I never met before, but it felt so right, so good. This kissing went on for a good hour and a half, this was in front of everyone in the bar and I could have given a shit less…then
it was time to go like someone blowing out of flame when it gets too tall, so we exchanged numbers and I left simple as that you say? (Oh no no no) certainly not. I Get in the car and knew I made a huge mistake, I needed to have him with me. If I didn’t act fast I might never see him again I told my friend this, she told me “go get him!”… so I ran back in as fast as I could. Was I wrong? was I making a mistake? was this a bad move? was he going to turn me down? who knows… I’m just going to do it. So I get up the nerve to run back in I spot him and I grab his arm and lead him to my car, he came! holy crap! he went with it! thank God!
What was I supposed to do now I had no idea, so I just went with it. We dropped Michelle off and went back to get his car, he asked me if I smoked I said I did, so we engaged in a bowl. It was awesome I finally had someone to smoke with. It was so relaxing and mellow to be hanging out with him He’s amazing, how did this happen?

Nowadays he’s the love of my life, I couldn’t have asked for anything more out of that one night at the bar.