Tupac said long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else even cared
I am a concrete rose
My seed was planted in darkness and I was lost
Every root digging deeper down not knowing this was building a strong foundation
A little sliver of sunlight through a tiny window
A little sprout out the crack of cement
What’s out here? There’s so much room
Maybe I’ll just stay down here
But I couldn’t help but to think
What’s out there?
What can I turn into?
My mind was set
I decided to bloom
Yeah sunlight is cool but who says sunlight must come from the sun?
I am my own sun and my light comes from within
Yeah it’d be cool to have someone water me but people walk in and out this room
Guess what?
Theres no watering being done
Nobody cares
So now I choose to water myself
Woah look at me
I’m growing so beautifully
Strong roots, healthy leaves, vibrant roses
My roots lift me up and move me somewhere new
I am now a rose bush
I survived and outgrew that very dark room
I am free

1 day, 24 hours, 1,440 minutes, and 86,400 seconds
Time filled with choices to make
Tick, tock time never stops
Not for you, not for me, not for anyone

Anxiety takes over my body, making me frightened of everything
Freeze activated full swing
Yet my mind still runs at a very high pace
Tick tock, time never stops
Not for you, not for me, not for anyone

I face the reality, I can’t make my future if I’m stuck in my past
If I do, my future me will never truly last
I stop, I breathe, I face, and I fight

Fixation never fixed any situation
Yet goals must be made to move onward and upward
In this moment is where I choose to be
To focus on my choices to make me a better version of me

Opportunities pop up on the move
Hence why worrying is disapproved
Tick tock I stopped paying attention to the clock
Happier me and opportunities are finally unblocked

The beach is my favorite place
I walk to the farthest end
You know, where all the jagged rocks meet
All pointy and eroding from the storms the sky sends
I climb those rocks until I find the perfect bench
I sit down to look at my view

My grandmother’s favorite beach is called Coco Beach
It’s in Florida, her favorite state

I imagine there’s coconuts everywhere
You have to keep your head held high so you can keep watch

WAIT

That same line can be used for life

Anyways
My Lela and I sit on those rocks together
We watch the sunset
It goes from pretty blues and whites to a beautiful cotton candy sunset
The wind is the perfect temperature, the perfect strength

We take deep breaths together
So deep we taste the salt from the ocean

We name things we see in the stars
I update her on every detail of my life since she left
We laugh
We cry
We curse
We yell at the sky

I tell her my new memories, the ones she knew I didn’t remember
I tell her my new perspectives of the world, of my life
I show her all my wounds in my back from everyone who swore to me they loved me

She gives me a massage
I feel the familiar feel of her gentle hands
I feel all the love through them
My eyes tear because I missed that feeling so much

The sky is turning orange now, light slowly rising up
The winds start picking up
Lela grabs my face so firmly but still so gentle
She squeezes and says to me, into me

“I am so beyond proud of you. Your wounds are nothing but warrior scars now. Symbols of battles you won. Reminders of all you can withstand. Now go fight some more, you may fall or slip, but you have proven to always to get back up.”

After the warmest, tightest hug she disappears into the big rush of wind
7 seconds I stand there
Embracing the last bits of her presence

Now I’m awake, my eyes crusty from tears
But my heart is so full and warm with hope and love for life
So heavy
But also so so full
And my soul is at peace

Dear Young Ones,
Let me start off by saying I see you. You are not lazy. You are not stupid. You are not incapable. You are not too young to feel the way you do at times. Your feelings are valid. Your mental state is real. You are real. I could sit here and write to you telling you what to do, but instead I’ll write to you telling you what I did. I’ll share with you some of my experiences because everyone tends to think we are so alone, we’re not. The world is huge and everyone likes to mask up and hide their experiences, which makes you who you are. My experiences do not define me but they helped mold me into the person I am now, and the person I am growing to be. One of my first memories is at 8 years old sitting in my top bunk bed drawing a big tree, apples you would think right? No, broken hearts. A swing you would think hangs from the branches? No, a noose tied around my stick figure neck. Big bold letters lined the bottom, “I’M SAD!!!” I had been abused since a very young age, in all ways, mentally, physically, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually by my family. I have used every type of bad habit to run from these experiences and mask the pain I felt. Let me ask you, does a mask just cover or cure? I asked myself, how do I cure scars that one cannot see? That family for so long told me were not real? I’m not one to lie, it is a hard, long road filled with bumps and hills to go over. For me, the first step was leaving my toxic environment that in all reality I loved so much. That was one of the most challenging things I did. For a while I went back and forth, reaching out arguing, begging for an apology I will never get. I had to realize I was only hurting myself so I finally stopped. Therapy helped with that but I wasn’t consistent yet. I worked a lot and didn’t want to use my skills. At first, I will admit, I traded one toxic environment for another. Using vices, hanging with unhealthy peers, sharing bad habits, contributing to thinking our ways were okay and going out a lot. I mean, we’re young right? Meant to make mistakes and “live it up”. Then, I found myself in a toxic relationship that I stood in for a year and a half until I got the courage to leave. Finally, I started taking therapy seriously. Stopped making excuses for not going or not using the skills I was learning. I stopped all of those vices, which took time and a lot of fight. I had to be real with myself and be accountable for the actions I was doing and the choices I was making that got me in that relationship and where I was in life at that time. I was on the verge of being evicted with no source of income, so I applied to multiple programs to receive help. I applied to multiple jobs. I was very ashamed and disappointed in myself and honestly, even aggravated. I had a choice, fight to do better and learn from mistakes or keep the cycle going. Now, almost a year later I got my job back working with kids at a high school. I have an afterschool job with elementary kids. I’m enrolled to start school in fall. Every morning, I brush my teeth then workout and I make healthier food choices. Both have helped my mental health immensely as well as my self confidence and discipline. Every Monday, after work I go to counseling then to a group. After I graduate from that group, I take EMDR therapy to help me remember my traumas so that I can process them and let them go. On Saturdays, I clean my house for the week. Every Sunday I include self care where I do whatever I see fit. Sometimes it’s being lazy in bed all day with a vanilla candle burning and whatever show I’m binging at that time, sometimes I go get my nails done, or my hair, sometimes I sleep all day only getting up to meal prep for the week. Life is a continuous challenge, but by learning what helps me and skills to handle problems in a healthy, safe way, I now know I’m equipped to handle anything life throws at me. I no longer need to fall and get back up constantly, I may trip a little or get off balance, but I stay on my feet now. All thanks to me.

Self love (smacks tongue)
I love me (smacks tongue)
That tastes… bittersweet
I’m proud of me but this is weird
When I was younger and feeling myself I’d be shut down
Chill out, you’re not all that and a bag of chips
But I meannnn
Look at these hips
I am indeed, all that and a bag of chips, the dip, plus more
I’ve learned that self love is the best love
It took a while to learn that lesson
I went looking everywhere for someone to express in
I let anyone be that person
Letting anything slide which just led the pain to worsen
I didn’t know how to be alone
Alone I felt I was in the dark drowning in my thoughts
A pool of mean words which led to mean actions
Mean towards myself
God forbid I was mean to anyone else
At 10, I began to hurt myself
A razor became my best friend
8 years later that friendship came to an end
Drugs and alcohol took her place
5 years later and I finally beat that case
A long, hard fight filled with tears
I had to rewire my brain to treat myself as good as I treat others
I deserve that more than anyone
I am all I got
In pain I heal myself
In sadness I pick myself up
In anger I calm me down
In poverty I work my ass off
I am all I got
In all things I know I am self taught
The best lesson I taught myself is self love
I no longer play about me
Treat me right or get left
Respect me or leave me be
Words are powerful
So now I speak life into me
I am beautiful
I am smart
I am important
I can do anything I put my mind to
Actions speak louder than words
So I take care of me
I have a routine for day and night
And that helps my light shine bright
I can’t pour from an empty cup
So I focus on me until I fill it up
Everyday looks different
Some things stay the same
Each day I give me grace
I give me forgiveness
I give me love
I give me patience
Each day I exercise and eat right
Health is wealth
I deserve the love I give to me
I deserve to be anything I want to be
I focus my mind and attract
I enact in stealth
I move quietly and mindfully
I’m making my own dynasty
The strength inside of me shows up in everything I say and do
Sometimes I surprise me, I realize I really had no clue
Self love is the best love
I now can finally say proudly and confidently
I love me

And like that 2023 is over, this year flew by
But isn’t that what we say every year when the end is near?
Still though time does seem to speed up annually
Does that come with age?
I’m only 23, a 2000’s baby is what I be
Last year I finally learned to love me
That along with a lot of other things
Habits are hard to change especially when taught young
Negative habits were all I knew
Being toxic unconsciously, wanting control over everything, vices to “keep” the pain away

Smoking, drinking, eating, sexing
All fake distractions that in the end, made me worse
Trust issues
But I called it individuality
The inability to listen, being stubborn and hardheaded
2024 I realize, accept, and input the facts that help me grow
It’s okay to listen, be silent, intake, and think
Not everyone is out to hurt me

Balance and confidence are needed to not take everything personally
Are you a reflection or a lesson?
I go to my therapist for a session
I need to release and let go
So that way I wont feel so low

2024 is where I meet sober me and face everything inside
The world is proving what’s in the dark must always come to light
But I, by myself choose whether I win that fight
To face and to conquer
Or to ignore and ignore and ignore until I blow up

Physically I must strengthen myself
When I do something I don’t want to do that strengthens my mind
When I strengthen my mind I have the ability to do anything I want
So I wake up early, work out, no eating until noon
At 7 I stop eating, meditate and give thanks to the moon
The moon illuminates my battles

Battles that no one can fight for me
I, by myself must choose my destiny
And I choose to first change my melody
From darkness to light
From anger to forgiveness
From sadness to happiness
From negativity to positivity
From irritability to patience
From assuming to asking
From quiet to loud, confidently and unapologetically

From changing my melody I attract what is meant for me
From changing my melody I can accept and maintain all that is for me

2024 is my year of love, light, success and peace
2024 is the year meant for my best me