Dear Young Ones,
Let me start off by saying I see you. You are not lazy. You are not stupid. You are not incapable. You are not too young to feel the way you do at times. Your feelings are valid. Your mental state is real. You are real. I could sit here and write to you telling you what to do, but instead I’ll write to you telling you what I did. I’ll share with you some of my experiences because everyone tends to think we are so alone, we’re not. The world is huge and everyone likes to mask up and hide their experiences, which makes you who you are. My experiences do not define me but they helped mold me into the person I am now, and the person I am growing to be. One of my first memories is at 8 years old sitting in my top bunk bed drawing a big tree, apples you would think right? No, broken hearts. A swing you would think hangs from the branches? No, a noose tied around my stick figure neck. Big bold letters lined the bottom, “I’M SAD!!!” I had been abused since a very young age, in all ways, mentally, physically, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually by my family. I have used every type of bad habit to run from these experiences and mask the pain I felt. Let me ask you, does a mask just cover or cure? I asked myself, how do I cure scars that one cannot see? That family for so long told me were not real? I’m not one to lie, it is a hard, long road filled with bumps and hills to go over. For me, the first step was leaving my toxic environment that in all reality I loved so much. That was one of the most challenging things I did. For a while I went back and forth, reaching out arguing, begging for an apology I will never get. I had to realize I was only hurting myself so I finally stopped. Therapy helped with that but I wasn’t consistent yet. I worked a lot and didn’t want to use my skills. At first, I will admit, I traded one toxic environment for another. Using vices, hanging with unhealthy peers, sharing bad habits, contributing to thinking our ways were okay and going out a lot. I mean, we’re young right? Meant to make mistakes and “live it up”. Then, I found myself in a toxic relationship that I stood in for a year and a half until I got the courage to leave. Finally, I started taking therapy seriously. Stopped making excuses for not going or not using the skills I was learning. I stopped all of those vices, which took time and a lot of fight. I had to be real with myself and be accountable for the actions I was doing and the choices I was making that got me in that relationship and where I was in life at that time. I was on the verge of being evicted with no source of income, so I applied to multiple programs to receive help. I applied to multiple jobs. I was very ashamed and disappointed in myself and honestly, even aggravated. I had a choice, fight to do better and learn from mistakes or keep the cycle going. Now, almost a year later I got my job back working with kids at a high school. I have an afterschool job with elementary kids. I’m enrolled to start school in fall. Every morning, I brush my teeth then workout and I make healthier food choices. Both have helped my mental health immensely as well as my self confidence and discipline. Every Monday, after work I go to counseling then to a group. After I graduate from that group, I take EMDR therapy to help me remember my traumas so that I can process them and let them go. On Saturdays, I clean my house for the week. Every Sunday I include self care where I do whatever I see fit. Sometimes it’s being lazy in bed all day with a vanilla candle burning and whatever show I’m binging at that time, sometimes I go get my nails done, or my hair, sometimes I sleep all day only getting up to meal prep for the week. Life is a continuous challenge, but by learning what helps me and skills to handle problems in a healthy, safe way, I now know I’m equipped to handle anything life throws at me. I no longer need to fall and get back up constantly, I may trip a little or get off balance, but I stay on my feet now. All thanks to me.