The Ordeal

Call it what you want but I’m being straightforward,

I’m trying my hardest to focus on myself but there is always that part of me that has to vent my good vibes of love even though too much of a good thing can easily go bad.

Some can call it selfish I don’t care anymore,

I’m looking for someone I can always feel comfortable and proud showering with care and inviting to places and events two friends can’t just go to.

I’m not saying it ever has to be more than a beautiful friendship, neither am I saying we can’t have other friends or interests.

I’m saying that I prefer to work on myself and have that one person to escape with whom I can rely on to be considerate and honest with me.

Well aware of circumstances I wouldn’t have to be more than a friend emotionally I would only suffer in moments of weakness where I confuse what I want with how I think I feel.

In my best headspace, I know that I will forever crave bonding on a personal level with this one person we focus on only each other in that sense. I know the reality that life happens things and people change and so do the things we want and how we feel.

But all of that is just an attempt to be safe and cautious about the passion that burns within my soul.

At heart I want to ignite a connection with someone that will change our lives forever I want to fail and lose in front of someone who won’t see it as weak until I win but see it as the strength in my character to keep walking in the rain until I reach the other side of the storm.

Truthfully I don’t know who I’m wishing for or when I will find them but I’m at a place where I know how much having someone right there in that place will mean to me I know that I’ve so far with people who weren’t capable of holding up and sometimes nobody there at all.

I’ve messed up good things before,
I’ve fumbled many bags,
I’ve sold many wins,
I still haven’t quit,

This is more than sexual desire,
This is more than craving intimacy,
This is more than needing a partner,
This is more than trying to fill voids,
This is more than a me thing,
I’m not sure what this feeling is but I know for a fact that I will never stop feeling this until that one is found.

All I’m saying is,
For now, let’s dance,
For now, let’s Sing,
For now, Let’s Party,
For now, let’s dress up and go out,
For now, Let’s Eat,
For now, let’s just enjoy the moments in life we might miss focusing too far down the road,
For now, let’s just be right here where we are and go from there,
Forget what all these success gurus and mentors are saying and whatever all these successful and famous people said they did before they got to where they are.

We have our own stories to write let’s not plagiarize anyone’s life of success and live right where we are.

All I’m saying is for now let’s focus on one foot in front of the other and see where we go.

I questioned if the day would come that I would find myself again
But here I am on my own 2 feet and so glad that it came to an end

New routines and all my own things have cause me to feel alive
Wow I should have left years ago instead of wishing you would die

The haze has finally lifted and that brought clarity to my life
It’s like I can breathe again and I have never missed being your wife

The rudeness and the disrespect had finally reached its end
And with that new freedom came I feel like I can breathe again

In the beginning I had doubts and fears that caused me to excessively drink
But all that is gone now and I can finally think

Wow why did I stay so long what good did it even do
I couldn’t escape or run fast enough to get away from you

There was a time that I loved you and cared so much for you
But every time I would open up you shot me down like a balloon

I have all this freedom now that I never thought I’d have
And every time I remember leaving I’ve never been so glad

Decision after decision and choice after choice
Why would I ever go back when I’ve finally found my voice

No sadness and no regrets have ever crossed my mind
Except I wish I had left sooner instead of wasting so much time

I’ve seen you sad and cry and ask me to come back
But why the hell would I do that when all I ever experienced was disrepect and lack

I hope you find the peace you need and find someone who fits your desires
Because now that I’m finally free it’s like my soul is on fire

Mourning a marriage is something that naturally takes place
But mine began before I left every time I saw your face

God I’m so glad I left and found out who I am
I can breathe freely now and if I need to I’ll hold my own hand

Have you ever let your mind sit under a cherry blossom tree
The poetic renewal massages the stress away the same way as the beach waves
Copy and paste, lying next to you is like closing your eyes under the sunset oceanside
A bright blushing sky with kisses of orange, and blue with a honeyed taste that simply grabs you
But nothing is as sweet as your sugar, under the shade of this suite
Fresh chill of a neutral setting is cooked by our body temperature
Peace in the reflection is bringing us closer
When I look back at how we arrived at this destination within the calm ripples I see a truth in the tomb of love at first sight
Our photograph under the light being born from fallen petals is a coveted site
I had to see the treasure I already had instead of searching for gold
That’s when our story began to unfold, I hate folding clothes
I rather unfold and devour deep conversations over shallow beverages
She likes easy ice, but I want more, as deep as the roots of this tree
The ying and yang
Discovering the ocean intricacies when it closes its eyes to dream and wakes up with a kiss complemented by a southern twang
She’s my main thang, calling my land line
Our language reads between the lines
Wrinkled with age or bitten white chocolate sheets
I love seeing your cherry blossom cheeks
p.s. you be the pink and I’ll be the red for Valentine’s…

Hi in 2021 I lost my children because my mother didn’t want me to leave state with them. My mom was jealous of the lifestyle I had vacationing and loving on them. I never once put them at risk never left them alone. I had made arrangements with their dad to keep them for the week in summer so I could go to Maryland. My children were never going and my mom somehow my whole life has always weirdly found her way into my relationships and my business. Cps said nothing was wrong, the house I lived in was mine I worked off a while new roof cleaning for a company and also had money Into it. What I didn’t know is hidden cameras were everywhere. I am loved by everyone accept my family mom In particular. I helped a homeless couple and they were gone when we had our court hearing but she still got them. I’m pretty sure Mom paid the judge. No one can understand why she took them but she tells everyone I left, I left after weeks of fighting to keep them. I went through hell literally for the past three years. I went to d.c. to try and petition it that’s. Ajoke there was a 18 mth wait. I then went to Maryland and got sex trafficked it was horrible. Came home to Michigan no housing so I went to Texas. I worked at goodwill and Mercedes Benz. I made good money and sent school stuff and cash up to my children. I came back to Michigan and got a small place worked at a grocery store then met a man that I married.im finding out things from my family’s history as we speak. Apparently there’s a whole family in Indiana we feud with and they paid this guy to marry me. And it goes all the way back to me and my marriages. My family feuded with this family and this family casted witchcraft on me and hired a hitman as well. It all goes back to my parenting my mom didn’t like that I parented the right way with love and respect . Her way if love is money and material things. So why do I not have them currently? I can’t even get unmonitored visits when I had a car. She absolutely tried to make me hit an all time low and give up. How can I give up those are my children. Now I am lucky if I go to a sporting event once in a blue moon. The judge also without me present gave her full custody said she needed In surance my children all had I surance at the time of removal. There’s a lot of shady things going on and I am very upset about this. The government is aware thankfully so just pray for my family. I need a house big enough for the four of us . The situation is so complex I can’t cover it in a short story it would take a few books. Much 💕

Dear, Unsealers:

It’s the first day of the month of May.

April seemed to go by quickly. As one does when they participated in National Poetry Writing Month.

The calendar resets for the next thirty-one days. Spring is in full bloom.

With the opening day of the month being a Wednesday, I welcome the month by way of haiku, an imperfect one…

As the fifth month begins
Thirty one new days arrive
A welcome, to May!

In life, we say I love you,
Many won’t mean what they say.
In poetry, we say I love and then we take you somewhere further than outer space.

I say I love you to many in many different ways,
Love is too complicated then dares to never make sense.

There are so many ways to love someone only real love could understand the rest.

I love her as my Nurturer,
An artist who molded the most beautiful clay,
The momma bear whose cubs never starved a day.

I love him as my Foundation,
The cement of my soul when the tides of life wash the rest of me away,
The tesla of my heart he made me the light on your darkest days.

I love him as my own heart,
The fragile passion none could ever corrupt or dethrone,
The hero to my sidekick for as long as he lives I’ll never let him truly be alone,
He looks out for me, I’m his almost clone.

I love her as the earth loves the sky,
Sometimes she is my shade,
Sometimes she brings the rain,
Sometimes she may be the storm,
The mother of the artist,
She is the vision that the masterpiece was made for.

I love him as my mentor,
The flame of my candle when lost in the dark,
The script to the play when I never had a chance to practice my part,
The man behind the blueprint to a better-built heart.

I love them as my brothers,
A bond close to kin,
Should they never question my loyalty,
We save each other from our sins.

I love them as my sisters,
A love to fill a void of the things never had,
A love to protect and be vulnerable when things are good or bad.

I love them as family,
The kindest faces the ones we have yet to meet,
The only love that times has yet to defeat.
An impossible connection that defies the very ground beneath your feet.

I love her as the moon
Her love is my sun
No earth in sight,
A connection stronger than the deadliest spider web none has ever spun.

I love her as her escape
No interest in whether she deserves peace,
I’ll be her chance to just run away,
If she goes too far or finds herself lost,
I’ll love her as her return
For things that need her most could never recover from such loss.

I love them as their comfort,
I place they can be safe,
I’ll be their pillar until they need a pillow,
I’ll be both for them on my best days,
I’ll also be their discomfort because growth won’t happen any other way.

As for myself, my love is a Thorny mirror
For the things that I feel are a reflection of what I serve.
A taste-blind chef with intentions of shaking the world.
I love myself in a place of solitude as the one who hates to love alone.
I’ve been so far from where I was I forgot that I’ve passed where I wanted to go.
That’s what happens when aren’t looking ahead.
Now I just want to be bonded with the dream I’ve always had love for a gamble on a shooting star.
Memories of the longest chapter I’ve ever written so far.
Love for the one who always gets a page no matter what chapter I’m on.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life,
Therefore, every next one I’m in-is a new chapter.
Every morning, I wake up, God’s mercies to me are new-
So, with on my heart, His daily touch- I am able to prove…
That I love Him, that I am thankful-that He is the only One able
To mold and strengthen my life, because it’s so easily breakable.

Just one more day to prove-how much for others I will lose.
And know that my tears for others are real,
Because always for the next person, I’m to lift up-
I’ll lose if they can gain, the Master of the universe to me explains…
That He was there always, and is there forever-
He has placed His Word inside of me. as the greatest Treasure!

A time to be married to my beautiful wife,
A time to live with my kids,
Time and again to prove my life is (for others) to give!
A time to know, a time of notion
A time to grow in the fact connection,
That helping others build, is in-tact protection.

A chapter to heal with the faithful “Unsealed”
Understanding (unworthily) I have been blessed for real!
whether I look back, or pierce through ahead
Life is still permanently on track, my life is hid-my life is dead!
But that’s a good thing…Because it’s the old life that’s dead!

It makes me smile as I cry…
Knowing all the while-my soul will never die!
Rather in eternity-with Christ is life forever,
And best of all, while down here on this earth…
Is to show my schizophrenia has no worth-
Over the grace of God-that I cling to endeavor!

As chance and chapter to prove purity-is more dominant than deceit
With the bowels of the new heart and spirit-God has freely given me!!!

…Amen

4-24-24

To my dearest family friends and fellow readers. This new energy that came through after the solar eclipse is amazing. I had a complete change in my thought and perspectives in life. The lord lifted the veil off my eyes and started showing me all the demonic and nasty energies that were affecting my life. I immediately removed myself from a home that I thought love me in Coldwater, Michigan and ended up growing. The people there had a nasty plot including my husband in which the marriage was paid and fake the whole time, to keep me there steal my energy and then put me in a grave. I should have been dead by all the witchcraft, car accident, and poising that happened. Why am i writing and telling you all this? The moral of the story is that you need to know who you are. As Children of God. This is the year where what happened in the dark will be brought to the light. Freedom for all of us that feel held down or like we couldn’t speak. God has a message for all of us worldwide, we were meant to shine. They don’t want us to get up go out and share our talents with the world. So, I write today get up, go out, show the world both your outer and inner beauty. If we share love like the Beetles said all u need is love accept I’m speaking in a Godly way the darkness will flee. All you need to defeat this darkness is simply prayer and praise. Listen to music dance, write a poem or a story. A new generation starts now we are the light in the world. We are the city on a hill, we will not be shaken. My fellow friends I encourage u to share happiness and healthiness in the world one person at a time. Start a story, start a blog, do discipleship. I’m your biggest cheerleader besides God of coarse. Grab your torch light up the world and win the race. Share joy peace love and happiness with every person you encounter. A smile is the best medicine I’m routing for ya. You Got this world. Get up, Get Dressed, Get to having your success.

Give me peaches like burning clouds.

The vermillion mass of blankets reflects off the Vermilion Great Lakes.

Like the raging sorrow and disbelief that my heart floats upon.

Intensity blooms in the latitude as I see you for the last time.

A weeping willow as I cry under the tree.

Eyes drooping with rainstorms.

Nothing more seems to amaze me.

As the pull of your spirits linger.

Sunshine beams fearlessly through the hurricane of Venus like clouds.

“Be as thy presence is gracious and kind” something you would tell me when my mind tornadoes.

Mind flustered with dazzling memories.

Lightning over me with your nourishing energy that conveys everywhere I drift on Earth.

Our compressed bond brings me back to resilience.

I will always levitate on the sweet joy that you left behind.

Have you ever felt trapped by a secret, burdened by its weight and wondering if sharing it could bring you relief or further pain? This is a silence many, unfortunately, know all too well.

Today, I want to share with you the story of Lauren Brill, a woman whose journey from the depths of traumatic silence to the heights of empowerment and entrepreneurship is nothing less than inspirational.

The Silence That Echoes
In the aftermath of the night that would forever change Lauren’s story, she found herself in a place of silence—a silence shared by many who have experienced sexual assault. This silence is not just the absence of words but a stifling barrier to healing and understanding.

For years, Lauren carried the heavy burden of her experience, shielded from the world, concerned about the impact its revelation would have on her loving parents.

From Secret to Superpower
Yet, in a pivotal moment of bravery, Lauren chose to share her story in an open letter to other sexual assault survivors. What happened next, Lauren could have never imagined.

Her letter went viral! The professional athletes she had known as a sports reporter had her back. One person shared her letter, and that set off a chain reaction.

And then something remarkable happened. Her secret, which once felt like a chain holding her back, finally shattered, setting her free! Lauren transformed her secret into her superpower!

By breaking her silence, Lauren not only freed herself but also ignited a spark to challenge societal norms and advocate for others.

With Transformation Comes Change
As Lauren herself began to evolve, so did her outer world. What was, is no more. What once fit like a glove now feels too tight, too restrictive. Once a dream job in sports broadcasting no longer aligned with the woman she had become.

Have you ever felt that a path you were on just didn’t fit who you were anymore? Did you stay on track, or did you make a change?

Lauren made a monumental decision — to leave her once dream job and pursue a new dream.

She founded ‘The Unsealed’, a platform that allows people to share their own stories of hurt and loss, wins and victories, challenges and opportunities. Ultimately, Lauren Brill chose authenticity over security.

Building a Community of Courage & Trust
‘The Unsealed’ is more than a platform; it’s a community built on the power of vulnerability, trust, and courage. Here, individuals are encouraged to write open letters about their life experiences, each carrying a positive message of hope to the reader.

This act of sharing is not just therapeutic—it’s transformative. It builds a bridge between isolation and community, fostering an environment where resilience flourishes through collective support.

Your Role in This Story
As you absorb the impact of Lauren’s story on your own life, consider how your own stories of silence could be unleashed to create a global movement. I encourage you to ask yourself those big questions…

How could I use my own life-changing experiences to empower both myself and others? Whether it’s a conversation you need to have, a letter you need to write, or support you wish to offer, remember: your voice has power. Your story matters.

Lauren’s transformation from a survivor of silence to a beacon of hope is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. It’s a reminder that even in our darkest moments, there is hope to be found. Just understand, sometimes, we must travel down the road a ways before we are able to truly understand how the events of yesterday have impacted our lives today.

So, the final question to be asked… What silence will you break? What new path will you forge? Let’s take inspiration from Lauren and move towards a future where our voices are heard, our stories are shared, and our spirits are unbreakable!

Don’t Miss Lauren’s Full Story… Able to be heard inside of Episode #282 of the podcast – Grit, Grace, & Inspiration.

Remember, you are amazing, incredible, and simply perfect, just as you are! Never let anyone or anything make you believe any different. Let your truth be heard and your light shine!

People all around have lost their sight
In return has made this world loose its light
Hate and darkness are spread
while people try to hide it all with meds
Instead of opening their eyes they become more blind
which makes the light harder to find
People are becoming more like animals losing sight of humanity
Which is destroying the future you see
We all secretly want the same thing
to truly be loved & not shown pain
We forget to be the person we needed when we were younger
especially when that darkness hit with that Hungers
People can always be the change in this world & save humanity
Even if it just starts with you and little Ol me
Someone must finally open their eyes
To see past all the masks, disguises, & lies
Just as easy as hate can spread
Love & Kindness could be instead
One match can bring light to the dark
The dark cannot overpower the spark
Unless you give that power away
Nobody can make or break your day
Working together for the greater good
Has been somehow misunderstood
It is time we all open our hearts & quit being sheep
Show love instead & let the evil sow what it reap

8 years ago today I defended my Master’s Thesis at the University of Kentucky, titled:

Healthy Reintegration: The Effectiveness of Military Teen Adventure Camp Participation of Adolescent Perceptions of Self-efficacy

I remember the day vividly, I was a nervous wreck, standing in front of a room full of people with my insecurities—believing that somehow everyone witnessing was somehow smarter or better than me.

If I could speak to that version of me at 25, I would tell her that you are enough today and you will only continue to get better. You will go on to complete a PhD at a R1 institution (Florida State University) defending one on many Goliath’s in your life (dissertation) during the onset of covid—against all odds. Ignore the disempowerment and doubt including, the words from your thesis advisor, “If you keep writing like this, Florida State will never accept you into their PhD program”. (Academia really has a unique way of shattering any bit of confidence you have).

I would tell her that being from the south or from a perceived “less than” background won’t hold you back—it is your perceived lack that will fuel your drive to finish whatever you start. It will fuel you to put yourself out there. It will fuel you to leave your comfort zone. It will fuel you to never quit. It will empower your relationship and reliance on God. So run your race boldly and well — you lack nothing and God is always with you (Deut. 31:8)

#chaseyourdreams