Standing at a crossroads and I find my bones feeling lazy,
a vision towards my future but the road is hazy,

I always pour out to those who don’t realize that I’m giving them something sacred,

They let it spill over like the blood of the natives instead trying to save it.

So now I want to save myself, it was a happenstance of a chance , I told myself “let me go back for one more lap.”

I met a mystic whose mystique and music on the mountain drew me In, I felt like I was speaking to a feminine me,

she gave me.. a reading of tarot,
3 and 4 of swords, 8 of pentacles my heart was open but my mind still narrow.

She offered an invitation, “come, join us in a circle for an incantation

Oh, and bring a sacred vessel,
It’s contents can help remove impurities from your blood vessels.”

I found myself-
Surrounded by 7 goddesses, but I am not a god above them ,
In fact they welcomed this weary traveler so for that I love them

most were there because they wanted a change,
one was working through her social anxiety in the astral plane ,
one who was there, fulfilled her job as a mother, did you know a mothers love is like no other

In fact I felt it everywhere it invited this brother –
to lay his head on her lap ,
It said “come my child let your soul rest and take a nap.”

So as I drifted off between time and space,
I start to feel a tingle come upon my face

I felt my deep, rich, hot, blood being awoken ,
the spanish being spoken to the Spanish that left us broken.

Only hoping that my great, great, grandmother with high cheek bones and looooonng, flowing, raven hair was there.

And she was.

She explained to me that all we ever did was fight , now she’s asking me to rest ,

based off the four of swords during my reading, I think I will.

I felt a chill,
as the wind decided to inspect our ceremony- the clouds said “here follow me,”
the moon looked bigger I closed my eyes and a cloaked figure ,
invited me on to a boat ,

He “said do you want to see the future?

First you must see the fool and the fool is you.”

Using canabis to guide his canine to reveal the canines of the living shadow.

A monster, a myth, a mirror,
“come look inside my void and see yourself cleaner

Inspect your introspection ,ready front your reflection
Come, see that you’ve been so vulnerable.
Please give yourself some protection,

and on top of that- give yourself some love,
give yourself some patience,
and listen to yourself as your wisdom is amazing.”

I could hear this voice but was to afraid to face him, then I trusted myself and went to embrace him,

It was me, he was everything I’ve envisioned, now he’s the only person I look to when I make my decisions.

I said “you are so radiant, you’re exactly who I’m trying to be,”

he replied “good, you’re here finally but give yourself some time to be-

me, you, us, when I tell you something don’t second guess me, just trust . Ah ah ah, But no buts,

You’re here because you’re on the cusp of a new chapter,
to leave ink onto the first page you must first meet your master.”

First the mirror distorted, then the glass broke,
some footsteps approached it was the figure in cloak.

His presence was overpowering,
Emanating an energy at its zenith,

If I was faced with this Goliath then I must be David,
it was time for me to slay this behemoth.

But before I could unsheath my sword ,
I felt drawn to confront this chimera.

There I stood staring into
the blackness waiting for my terrors
to actualize,
I tore down his hood to meet his actual eyes.

It was me, again, looking even more divine than before.

He said “good, you passed the test because you don’t need to be afraid of yourself anymore!!!”

Then our guide brought us back to this plane,

I saw so much clarity to cut through that haze, this water sign now rolls with the waves as the moon beamed her rays, I give praise,

to this experience

as I’ve learned to shift my mind and my attitude ,

To live as my higher self, I will and I invite you, to always live with gratitude.

Thank you

To anyone that feels the tug on their heart to listen to God even when it’s scary,

I graduated college in 2019 with what I considered to be a well flushed out plan. I was going to to go to work for a company that I had interned for over the summer and they were so excited to have me on board. I was in a long term relationship with a man that I was convinced I would marry, he checked off all the boxes I had on my list of what I wanted in a husband. Yet the strangest thing started happening during my last six months of school. I began to have doubts, at that time it was specifically about my relationship but I thought hey we’re both really busy working towards our futures right now it makes sense that I’m overwhelmed. I was overloading my units to graduate within four years and he was in a very intense fire academy at the same time.

Time went by and we both graduated from our programs and things finally started to feel better. We had more time to be with each other and we knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. However, God knew far more than we did.

I had tried on multiple occasions to connect with the company I was meant to work for after graduation only to find out that they had hired a new CEO and were in the midst of a hiring freeze. I was disappointed to say the least but I figured I’d find something else in time. My 22 year old self had no idea the amount of rejection she was about to face.

I ended up back in a retail position and frankly, very disappointed that I had a degree that seemed to be going to waste. Meanwhile my boyfriend was working through his rookie year and very stable in his job, obviously I was very happy for him and so proud that his constant hard work had paid off but it hurt to see someone I loved live their dream and not have any access to mine.

Keeping in mind that I was working retail mid-covid pandemic, this became a downward struggle where my mental and emotional health began to severely suffer. I didn’t understand what it was I was doing wrong, I had done everything in the right order. We hear it all the time growing up. “You go to college, get a job, get married and have a family.” Seemed simple enough….right? Not so much, no matter what I did I wasn’t getting anywhere and I became depressed and my anxiety skyrocketed to a point where I would wake up and immediately feel fear.

I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do or where to go and was paralyzed by my fear to make a mistake that I simply didn’t do anything. My personality went from bubbly laughter and wanting to be around my friends and family to miserable and isolating because I felt safer alone than I did around people that couldn’t understand how I felt. This mental battle continued for a good year.

Then I remembered the one thing that my parents had always told me growing up. If there was ever a time in my life where I felt like I needed help, God would always be there for me. I grew up in the church but I never really developed a relationship with Christ and I’ve since learned that religion and relationship are very different. So I decided I was going to start reading my Bible more and praying, whether it was verbal or written. Often it was the same topics I was praying about: job, relationship, purpose. They were on repeat in my mind and I knew I could bring them to God as often as they came up.

Slowly I began to realize that the plans I had made for myself and what I thought would be the best life for me might not be what God had for me even if they were good things. My biggest concern frankly was my purpose and how I would be able to identify it and my relationship. I wanted God to show me if this man was not my husband then I need Him to show me in a way that is the most obvious, in my face experience so that I can’t possibly think it’s just a coincidence.

When I tell you that God delivered every time I asked Him to, I just had to learn how to pay attention. Number 1) I ended up completely changing my career path from my college plan to, you’ll never guess….acting and writing. That was a very interesting conversation with my family at the dinner table I’ll tell you that for sure. But it scared the crap out of me. For the longest time I would sit in classes not fully being present or enjoying the moment for fear I was making the wrong choice. After that it became knowing that I would have to put myself out there, be willing to accept the possibility of being seen. It took time for me to embrace it because I was so scared it wasn’t in Gods plan and I was just being selfish. However, for the past two years I’ve pursued this new dream and the irony in all of it is that while I do consistently face rejection, God has allowed me more open doors and opportunities than I ever had with my previous career path. Especially because I remind myself who I want the glory to go to. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not me. Number 2) With my relationship I had to accept the possibility that even though the man I had was sweet, and loving and wanted to provide that didn’t mean he was the one God had for me. After months of working on everything we could and praying about our situation God showed me that it wasn’t going to be us. It had nothing to do with how great we were as individuals, but everything to do with who we were meant to be if were going to follow in His plan. I know that Gods plan is always better than mine so I knew I had to listen.

That was probably the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make. I would be stepping away from someone that was willing to provide for me, protect me, be there for my family, support me financially and did what he could to support my new acting dreams. No matter what he said or did, I couldn’t avoid the constant heart tug and the confirmation God had given me. It’s not him.

So I took a step out in faith and we decided it was best for both of us to grieve now so we could heal and move forward knowing we would always support each other from afar. We were very fortunate to have a healthy breakup but that didn’t stop my fear that I was leaving the security I had grown up believing I was supposed to have. It was scary yes, but I can say almost a year later that it’s the best decision I could have made.

I made room in my life for God to work in His way and in His timing. I do still find myself wanting to rush it sometimes, I mean come on I’m only human. As I continue to follow this path outside my comfort zone I find myself blessed with the one thing I know each and every one of us is looking for. Peace. A peace that makes no sense because it doesn’t come from this world, it comes from the one that knows me and the desires of my heart so deeply I know I can trust Him. Yes there will absolutely be more moments, likely in the near future where I’ll have to take another step out of my comfort zone and I’ll be clinging to God the entire time. Yes I will probably ask him about 40 times if He’s sure that this is what I should be doing, but I also know that faith isn’t faith unless it’s tested. Real growth and change doesn’t happen from your comfort zone.

I want to encourage anyone feeling that tug on their heart. Whatever it’s about, whether it’s a job, a relationship, a move, a financial situation etc. It’s not always going to be easy and you might not even feel 100% confident in the decision. If I’ve learned anything throughout my own journey it’s that I don’t have the power to mess up Gods plans for me, so listen to the heart tugs. Trust that you are in good hands and that even if you do make a mistake, God is powerful enough to correct it and work it all out for your good. As I finish writing this out, the phrase “Be the turtle” comes to mind. Why? They can only swim forwards. So pray about it, believe that God has your back and then “be the turtle.” Don’t look back.

What if I told you he took off my clothes like she did for you? If I told you he ignited a passion in me that I had forgotten about, would you survive it? If I told you I was bleeding as I wrote this, would you hand me a tissue or another beer? Comfort? I have left you out of sight and definitely in my mind. My thoughts now stream with anger like a river during a storm. It’s beautiful to see but difficult to endure. It takes everything with it, as you did to me. I’ve left the zone. No one called for help, even when I did. No one came. My tears are flooding the keyboard, like that river I told you about. I left you, my comfort, my zone. It hurt to leave as much as it hurt to stay. I laid my head here to sleep, my soul you kept and laughed as I wept. I felt your heartbeat close to mine, and even as we created love, I was the one who birthed it. I had to feed and care for my comfort. It bit me, and I bled. I wish you could hold me when I need it most, but the memories have turned me into a dustbowl of nothing. I can’t even take you with me. My winds have dwindled, and you have moved away from my desert. Don’t leave, don’t go. As far as comfort goes, this is home. The alcohol putrefied my veins after I convinced myself it was helping, distilling me and my impurities back to comfort. Even if it was for a minute, I wanted to taste your sweet sweat again. Salting my ocean, but really, it’s just your river, again.

Dear Unsealers,

It was a sunny Sunday afternoon, two weeks ago. At the tail end of a hot, busy last weekend of July.

As the ferry from lower Manhattan arrived at Governor’s Island, I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it or not. Walking past the banner of the New York City Poetry Festival, I stopped for a moment to soak in the scenery. The sun shined bright, blue skies above my head, green grass and the sounds of poets speaking their truth surrounded me. It was as if I had arrived in the colorful world of Oz after surviving the black and white tornado. I was not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

But I was looking for one stage, in particular, the Ring of Daisies. Walking along Colonel’s Row the amount of stages began to shrink. Once the last rowhouse appeared, that’s when I knew I was in the right place.

None of the names at this stage were on the schedule banner in the middle of the site. Just a sign-up sheet, the stage, and a microphone.

It might have been the cup of cava that I had at the Beer Garden as I walked or heard all the poetry in the air, but I was emboldened at the moment. I put my name on the signup list.

To this point, I’d never performed my poetry in front of a live audience. Most of the time, my audience is on separate screens or the camera that’s attached to my iPod Touch. Today would be unchartered territory for me.

Yet, I had a poem in hand to read. Two of them.

The first one was a moment of frustration having to make a grown-up decision to replace my bed after twenty-two years. The second is a moment to recognize the friendships that made my life such a joy. The waiting began.

As I sat on the grass for about two hours, my name was finally called. It was showtime at last.

After warning the crowd that this was my first turn at the mic, I spoke my truths. And took a deep sigh of relief the moment I stepped down to the audience’s applause.

I didn’t know it at that moment, but I accomplished something special. I escaped my comfort zone.

I’ve always been very weary of the unknown and trying new things. Clothes, hobbies, especially food. Mom would try to get me to try new food. Me: “I don’t like it”. Mom: “you never tried it”. Me: “ but I know I won’t like it”. My ex girlfriend was mystified by that thinking lol. My buddy says he has a buddy just like me. Go to a restaurant. Try something new? Why bother? Why deviate from what I know ? From the known?
The most recent and somewhat terrifying comfort zone was two summers ago. I went to visit my ex girlfriend in Manhattan. She was working for her company in herald square. I hadn’t traveled since 2011. And now i would have to travel post Covid, to an airport in New Jersey , then catch a train to Times Square. Solo. This didn’t match well with my slight anxiety of crowds and the unknown. Lots of crowds. Lots of unknown. I got the courage because I was so excited to go visit her that I just ignored the nervousness, told myself that people do this all the time, and that I’d be fine. I gained the courage because I had no choice haha. But mainly because I couldn’t wait to go see her.
The outcome of leaving my comfort zone last summer was total success. I got there fine (with maybe a bit of help from some kind folks along the way). The joy of walking down Manhattan and realizing I was going the right direction was so joyful and satisfying. We had a great time. Friday ws one of the best days of my life. We saw so many places. So many new things. Even though she got a little sick on Saturday, I got sent on a solo errand while she rested. An easy one, but I did it. And we made the best of that night. And made it to Times Square the next day before I left. I was so glad that I went out on that ledge, so to speak. Turned out so great
My advice to anyone scared of the unknown (including myself) is to forget your fears and just go for it. Take the chance. I’m glad I did last summer that’s for sure. Live those new moments and experiences. I figure it’s better to try and realize it was a good idea or bad idea than to wonder what could have been. Except jumping out of a plane. I don’t need to try that particular adventure.haha. But conquering the unknown one little experience at a time can be pretty satisfying. This I’ve learned and hopefully will continue to do so
James Corrao

Dearest Shelle Belle,
I don’t know why you are so hard on yourself. You’re learning and moving forward making the best of each new day. It’s 1993 and you have entered into the next stages of your life. Your music selection is a wide variety of artists, which speaks volumes of who you are. As you walk down the graffiti tagged streets of Denver you hold your head high even though the environment around you feels unsafe and scary, you keep pushing forward with your dreams. These streets will never break you. You have so much to accomplish. Follow your dreams. Be your own hero. Keep moving forward. They tried to dim your light when they assaulted you, but you pushed through. You never gave in. You never gave up, and for that my friend you grew into the beautiful and amazing you. A young mom at 16, just a baby yourself. You continued to grow. I’m proud of you.
For motherhood is tough enough even when one is ready. You took it on. Life stops for no one. Each day a new adventure. Smile, but also honor the tears that you shed when you feel lost in your head. There is clarity ahead. You just have to believe.

You don’t know me yet but you and I are very close. You think you know it all and that you have life figured out……. And I hate to burst your bubble but you really don’t. Like at all. But You have a good head on your shoulders though. I just need you to trust yourself more. I know you’re probably thinking what the hell do I know about you but truth is: I am You but grown up. There are so many things I wish you knew. But everything still works out. The main thing I want you to know or take away from this letter is to trust your power and stop letting the words and opinions of others (no matter how important they may seem to you) define or change who you are.

You’re a big dreamer with a big heart. You are more than what you think of yourself. You are not an unlovable failure who is an idiot. Please speak better to yourself! Just because no one says it often doesn’t mean you aren’t loved. Be secure in your authentic self. I know the pain you hide behind every smile and the genuine self hate you have with every joke you make
about yourself. Your jokes aren’t even funny they’re actually sad because why would you say those things about yourself?

You call yourself all the wrong names and you answer to all the wrong names. To be honest you don’t even like being called Leah unless you’re blood related to someone when you’re older. You don’t need the approval you keep seeking from people. You are already valid. Yes, I know it would be nice to have someone validate you with kind words and gestures but hey play the cards you are dealt.

Girl , I wish you understood and knew your strength. Like girl you are resilient as fuck.
A true gem. The darkness you hold inside of you now; we learn to control. Even though it pains you don’t regret the heart you have. It comes in handy. Stop hating yourself please. So many blessings are being blocked for me because of the words you’ve sown. Yes we were ignorant but words have a lot of power.

Also, PUT THE KNIFE DOWN! Stop cutting yourself. Depression cannot keep winning. Life is so much more beautiful than you can imagine. You are not worthless and you deserve to live just as much as anyone else. I know you feel numb most days or you have to put on a mask but it’s nothing to kill your self over. You actually survive worse mental places in life. But I get it though. You just trying to feel and because you’re used to emotional pain; you inflicted physical pain.
I know you feel like I’m attacking you but you need to hear this. You’re not the victim you think you are. You are the conqueror. Everything that has ever happened to you is my villain origin story. I mean that in a good way. We learn to set boundaries in our late 20s and become villains to the people who tried to break us.

I just really wish you loved yourself enough as a teenager to see how truly great you are. Like girl you are the bees knees. Not the red thing around the bologna. Love yourself first so the world and people won’t chew you up and spit you out or simply toss you to the side. You are beautiful, intelligent and loved. It’s crazy how you pour love into to everyone else but you.

Seriously you are constantly calling yourself ugly and avoiding the mirror. You hate your body and it’s fine. You’re not the ugly duckling you were just born a swan. Your intelligence and body what makes you. It’s your heart. All the trauma you have suffered so far is not in vain. I just need you to love yourself through that pain. Like we end up becoming a mother. You literally have a daughter who adores you and is twice as stubborn as you are. We have to love ourself because she is a sponge and she soaks up everything we teach her whether it’s intentional or unintentional. I need you to love yourself because we struggle as an adult. And having a kid didn’t make it easier but it’s motivation. She needs to see a confident woman who loves herself and understands her value and you are her first teacher.

So love yourself kid because I love you! I’m proud of you and you actually don’t do to bad in life because you learn the importance of perspective. Plus nobody really warned or prepared us for how expensive being an adult is but we are managing. So if you see our kindergarten self tell her that she should have saved all those dollars we spent when we were her age.

As you can see our humor will always be intact. Lol

I love you Leah or shall I say Dee. That’s who we like to be called and we add pretty in front for a little razzle dazzle.

I LOVE YOU !! And I appreciate all that you are.