I’m fifteen days into the new year.
I’ve taken no more than twelve steps,
My eyes blink, and in a flash I am here.
My ’empty’ falls, I stand. In God’s light, at my best.
An astral curtain, I’ve just phased through.
Sheer focus aimed ahead; No more playing dead.
Side not with the wicked; rather, the justly shrewd.
Most haven’t seen what hell has to offer. I have, and I’m through.
I’ll march forward. Alone, or with a few.
Nevermind those shadows, we walk in truth.
You’ve got me, and I’ve got you.

P.S. I understand this is quite vague/cryptic. I don’t wanna give too much away on my goals just yet. Still in the process of organizing/compiling 🙂

So there I was, sitting on a twin-size air mattress on my cousin’s bedroom floor in the Bronx–jobless, depressed, and suicidal. It was at that moment that I realized that I was the only person that could save me, so I had to become a Phoenix. I had to spread my wings to fly or I was sure to die. I’ve been told my entire life, “You’re so strong. You’re built for this. You’re the strongest person I know” but nobody knows the violence it took to become this gentle.

A little over a year ago, I had an ego death. After months of suicidal thoughts and PTSD flashbacks from my childhood, I mourned, grieved, and rejoiced all within a day. Suddenly, I realized it was destined that way–that I was destined for death and rebirths so I changed my name to Phoenix Ríszing. I had to die in order not to die. I had to die in order to become new. I had to let go of the version of myself who was trapped in suffering–allowing myself to grieve various versions of me that no longer served the woman I was becoming.

I spent the majority of my early-mid 20s using drugs and sex to repress my childhood trauma; trauma I didn’t even remember having, that was, until I experienced my first PTSD flashback over a year ago. It was a panic attack and bodily flashback episode that brought me back to that 7 or 8 year old little girl who was once molested. That flashback showed me the reality of being a trauma survivor and how easy it is to bury traumatic memories deep within as a way to protect ourselves. Even if we have no recollection of repressing these memories–which I did not. It’s no wonder, as an adult, that I attracted a partner who would trigger and mirror my childhood trauma so intensely until it forced me to acknowledge how my childhood trauma led me into a TRAUMA BOND with a toxic partner. The trauma bond eventually led to a new sexual trauma–one that had come to me in a dream as a warning, yet quickly became a premonition and unfolding of my worst nightmare. My ancestors and my higher self had no choice but to step in considering that I was running down a road that almost cost me my sanity. I spent all of 2023 processing and recovery from past trauma, but in 2024, I will spend my year LIVING. Loving myself unconditionally and unapologetically. In 2024, I am honoring my needs without guilt. In 2024, I am raising my standards and the price of access to me. I will no longer be offering my body to others in exchange for “love” or validation. In 2024, I will forgive myself for all the things I convinced myself I needed to do in order to survive. In 2024, I will collect memories that remind me why it’s a gift to still be alive. I will sit with my inner child and remind her that she is loved, seen, and protected in ways she wasn’t all those years ago. We will hold hands and pick flowers, blow bubbles, and daydream about the future that has never looked brighter for us. For the first time in my life, I will choose ME. I’ll choose us.

My journey has not been gentle with me and because of this I’ve been forced to address ancestral pain and trauma. It has taken immense courage to sit with this. From an early age, I knew there was heavy darkness in my bloodline but as an adult, I’ve been able to break the curse by choosing healing. In 2023, I was called by my ancestors to heal and protect my bloodline through embarking on this healing journey of healing generational trauma. I had to die and rebirth myself several times. It feels strange to say, but I am thankful for my traumas and my demons. Not because they’ve given me ANY grace, but for volunteering to teach me just how resilient I am. Truth is, I thought I could outrun my trauma until one day it finally tapped me on the shoulder. Now, my trauma and I are becoming one–like lovers in a tub of roses. I now throw roses into the abyss as a way to thank the monsters who didn’t succeed in swallowing me alive. This is my offering to my monsters and the version of me that I let die with them. In 2024, I will look in the mirror and tell myself “I’m proud of you. Thank you for existing” In 2024, I will love myself more because if I don’t who will?

For years, I have chosen everyone else first
I allowed myself to not even be on my own list of priorities
I did not think I deserved to recognize on my own time with deserving the merits of love for myself
I had everyone categorized in my mind as more important than me
I was determined to not be a nuisance or cause anyone discomfort

2020 changed me as it did others

2020 made me aware of the importance of self stillness
2021 taught me that I do not need to live up to others timelines, my own is important
2022 woke up my internal clock of no longer delaying my own growth
2023 broke me of any self doubt that was leftover of 2022 and set my path on fire
2024 is the year I choose Me

I choose to make myself a top priority on my own list
I choose to make sure I know my worth and my value even when others question me
I choose to be uncomfortable with not taking care of everyone else, first
I choose making sure I know I am allowed to love myself honestly and fully
I choose living up to my own expectations and I am looking forward to how this adventure unwinds over this year

2024 is the year I choose me

Dear Self,

I will do love better next time
Starting with me
I will love me better
Wake up in this body
Speak prayer over it
And remember that God
Ordained me worthy
Anointed me with special purpose
Not sacrifice
I will smile wide and full
No longer biting my tongue to keep my truth from falling out
I will love me better
Discontinuing to be confused on my value
Or of what I bring to the table
When I am the home that love is held in
I will lay flowers at my feet
So that the ground is blessed twice
By something sweet
I will love me better
Pour all my effort into my dreams
Instead of into the hands of another
I will love me better
Hold myself gently
when I feel calloused by my own thoughts
when my mind is spiraling with aspects of my ego
I will remind myself that this is path of being human
I will offer myself compassion
when everyone around me has run out of it
I will cup my hands
and whisper kindness into my palms
And place them on my heart until I feel warm again
I will make sure my cup overflows
Make sure to ask no one to fill it
I will be my own mind reader and interpreter
Trusting in myself and not needing someone to invalidate the doubt in me
I will love myself better
By leaving sticky notes of encouragement on my mirrors
When I feel like I’m slipping
I will grasp whichever limb I need
to keep myself from falling
And even if I fall
I will know that loving myself
means to get back up
And I will get back up
I will make mistakes
But I will love myself enough to learn from them
I will love myself better
To love a lover better
To give and accept love
For love’s sake
I will love myself better
Because there’s no greater love than the love of oneself
Dear Self,
You are the love of my life.

Dear me,
Yes you,
You are a capable woman. Strong, intelligent, and resilient is your name. You put fires out that are aimlessly burning, and in the same breath have the ability to ignite the most powerful flames.
You are a capable woman. A dog mom, a cheerful wife, and a spiritual pillar to many. You work hard in everything you do even when it’s not ideal.
You are a capable woman. Allow yourself the time you need – to heal, to laugh, to cry, and to sigh. Life will always be busy, but you deserve some rest. Remember, you are capable but you are also human.

Oh, capable woman. Please dive into yourself. Make your 30s your best. Let go of the void and shake off the excess stress. Who are we mentally, physically, emotionally & spiritually? Let’s find that out. Can we buy out the time to do what we love? Can we live by our rules?

My dear capable woman. This time is yours to spend. Follow your heart and find peace within. Build up yourself the way you desire to be. I believe you can do it. I believe in me.

Love always,

An aspiring capable woman

Have you ever read the same book but a different story, there’s a saying for that phenomenon
I just finished my Saturday morning coffee and chocolate chip muffin complimented by my current read
It’s that time of the year again Deja Vu
So, I pull out my pen and begin to write about how to become a better version of you
I didn’t fully comprehend what I thought knew
This year I’m going to do something new
Looking in the mirror but only seeing half of me
I lost myself living as person three, instead of the main character
It’s time to take back all of my identity
Completing every goal this year but first let’s focus on the top three

Number 1. I’ll start by losing weight
Burning the off calories procrastination added
It’s easier to run to your goals when you sculpt the weight around your waist
The time is now, why wait
You don’t want to be late to your dreams
So, go ahead and book that first trip you’ve been planning for the last 2 years

Number 2. I want to travel more
Travel to the past so I can better see my future
A frequent flyer because I was too focused on yesterday
Now these miles are just lessons learned
A frequent flyer because growth is my meditation
If you ever want to get somewhere fast it’s better to slow down
Speeding will only get you a $300 ticket you don’t have the money for

Number 3. I want to be better financially
Health is wealth or so they say and last year I was broke
Broken heart, shattered mind, but you can still see yourself in a cracked mirror if you choose to
Today I choose you, reciting my daily affirmations
Self-care is one of the best ways to say I love you
Learn to say I do to the future you
Investing in yourself pays more than your 9-5
You will be tired
But that just makes it easier to sleep with your day dreams

Ignore the world the same way they hit snooze
Wake up early, aim high, then reach higher
My goals are only one page turn away
So, stop judging my cover before you read my book
If you simply read the preface, you might begin to understand the trails I’ve faced
This book is about the evolution of me
You don’t have to read it, but you will respect my art the same way I cover myself with peace
p.s. these are my goals for leaving 2023…

I want to learn how to slow down.

I want to learn how to understand that it’s okay to make mistakes, they happen all the time.

I want to learn to feel beautiful.

Beautiful in my intelligence, beautiful in my scares, beautiful in my smile, and beautiful in my tears.

I want to learn how to be the type of Beautiful that radiates.

I know I have it in me.

I’ve proved it time and time again.
I just can’t figure out why my mind is so blocked again.

I want to learn to love myself.

I don’t want to just love the way my skin glows as the sun bounces off my melanin or the way my body displays the natural curves that I wished for , but to love myself with every flaw, insecurity, hardship, talent, promotion, growth, and future moments.

I close my eyes and dream of the day that these feelings would go away, and I can finally be,

Free.

Dear beautiful woman,

You ever wake up most days, and you’re all smiles? Yeah, that’s a great feeling! The way I see it is, If you can get through 245 of the 365 days in a year being happy, then that’s a pretty good year to me. That possibly leaves you with 120 days of uncertainty.

How do you feel on a day-to-day basis? What are you thankful for when you wake up? Do you ever think for one second that you may not be here the next day? Scary thought, huh?

I woke up one morning in November of 2021, not feeling great. It was during the pandemic and I had a bad cough. I thought the Rona had taken hostage over me. It was just a miserable feeling. My body didn’t feel well. I knew something was wrong.

The doctor visit was a little bizarre to me. The doctor was prescribing medication to me without checking my lungs out with an x-ray. I asked the doctor “can I have an x-ray?” She replied” sure”. The X-ray results were in and it showed a shadow in my lungs. My body with a shadow didn’t make sense. What does that even mean? I tested negative for corona, strep, and flu. I could not figure out what was going on.

The insurance didn’t approve me yet for a CAT scan of my lungs. I felt a tug on my lungs, as if someone tapped me and said “we need a further examination”

Weeks later, I still didn’t feel well. I was at work feeling like I was having an anxiety attack. I never had one before so I couldn’t compare this feeling to anything else. My body was definitely speaking to me. I called an Uber and went straight to the hospital. My body was still tapping me and saying “get a CAT scan”. Sometimes your body can turn in t a Bully to make sure you understand it’s language.

“I can’t breathe, ma’am”, is what I stated to the doctor. To be honest, physically I could breathe fine but mentally, I could not. I decided to exaggerate just a little so I can get the answers that I was looking for. I was rushed into the machine and received a CAT scan of my lungs.

“FINALLY, let’s do this”, I said to my body. I could feel my heart beating in my chest. My body was still talking to me. After the scan, I was placed in the waiting room. Scans showed a mass that was near my heart since 2011, has become too big and I will need surgery to remove it.

I thought to myself “is this woman talking to me, because ain’t no way I had a mass since 2011 and I was never informed”. It’s 2020 now. I asked myself “could that be a mistake?”.

I continued to do further testing and was able to be seen by a surgeon. The surgeon stated that the cat scans show a mass near my heart and it needs to me removed.

I was alone in the doctors office trying not to cry. “I have two sons and I need to see them grow into the great young men that they are becoming”. I learned a true lesson of “when your body speaks, you need to listen”

My surgery was scheduled at another hospital. I couldn’t dare have surgery in a hospital that never informed me of my mass in the first place. My body rejected that surgeon and his theories.

With the help of my attorney that I worked for, I scheduled my surgery in the City for March 2022. I had an MRI on January 25th. That was my dads birthday. My body knew that I was going to be ok, just for the simple fact that I would get clear answers from a test that I am taking on my dads birthday. He passed in 2018 from colon cancer.

March 2021 came and I was cut open to hand my mass removed from around my heart. Once I was opened,unbox revealed that it was not near my heart, it was wrapped around my lung. It was huge. My body had a score of “3”and these hospitals scored “0”.
A thoracic surgeon was on board and he saved the day. I thought to myself “thank god I listened to my body. I would have never known”.

It was not a speedy recovery. I went from not knowing anything that was going on in my body to having a tumor that was non cancerous out of my body.

Healing was not easy. I had to go back to work while I was trying to heal. The people I worked for asked me “what’s taking you so long to heal?” A woman being cut down her breast, asking her what’s taking long to heal? Imagine that shit! I quit and didn’t look back.

I didn’t know that I had the strength to build myself back up. My body has been through plenty of other surgeries but not like this one. My lungs were collapsed during this surgery and that’s not easy. I didn’t know that it takes mental, emotional and physical strength to get yourself back together.

I have a scar down the middle of my breast and I felt that I would be embarrassed to show my body. It’s a scar of resilience, courage and fight. I fought for my body and I’m glad I did. I am not going to be embarrassed of what happened to my body ever. I’m here and I’m alive.

Listen to your body at all times. It speaks to you, because you simply wouldn’t know.

I stand naked in a mirror and what do I see … I see a warrior Queen.

You may see titties that don’t sit as high as the used to,
but these breasts have fed the next generation
so show respect and give them there due veneration.

You may see stretch marks snaking my tummy
but these markings they tell a story….
Every mark is a battle scar that screams out
that I am a bearer of life.
I am woman and I am proud
I’ll never drop this crown.

I am where the river begins,
I am the source.
A force to be reconned with.

Resilient as ever. Give up never.

Overflowing with strength and soul
I am a beautiful sight to behold.

It took me a lifetime to get here and see this truth,
People tried to drag me down
and make me confused.

And for a while it worked.
I didn’t know my worth.
But I tapped into a level of inner strength
That I didn’t know I possessed.
I ate the plate of self respect
That I refused to partake of in the past

I’m eating now and I’m filled up.
Anorexic no more I digest Love

Scarf down joy by the handful.
I never miss a meal now
I honestly can say
I can’t remember how

I drink with intention
With purpose and determination
My cup is always filled up with heaps of motivation

Surrounding myself with good vibes
and positive energy
My self awareness thrives
as I strive to be a better me

Rub shoulders with those whose
values align with mine
I refuse to waste anymore time

So I stand in this mirror
gazing upon royalty
my heart swells with pride…

What a journey

Barbie doesn’t get the privilege of being fresh-faced
Like Dove models or Alicia Keys
Her makeup must be removed with paint thinner and endless scrubbing
My makeup can be removed with soap and water
But the standard of beauty that was stamped on my inner adolescent
Is an indelible mark that no amount of cleaner can remove
When did I grow such a self-hatred that to
View my own reflection repulsed me?
When did I decide my beauty was no beauty at all
Rather an image needing to be stamped out
Covered with concealer
Layered with lipstick
Marked with mascara
To the point, I don’t recognize me?
“Black is beautiful” was the saying in the 1960s
Yet in the 2000s Black was disgraceful
Black was sinful
Black was not desirable
How will my daughter know her own beauty?
Sometimes I wonder if her acceptance of self
Will be based on her fair skin
Her softer features —
Her DNA reveals she has more African American
Heritage than her dark-skinned mother
Yet to see her from a distance one would not believe
Such a genetic declaration
Beauty in America is fleeting and deceiving
Slender hips slender lips
Fair skin straight hair
When will my full hips lips
Wide nostrils be the beauty mark
That overshadows our Marilyn Monroes
And our Taylor Swifts
Our Ellie Gouldings and our Goldie Hawns?
When will I know, as I peer into a mirror ,
That my Black is truly beautiful?

Dear, Unsealers:

As I looked at my silhouette on the beach in Rincon, Puerto Rico the sunlight surrounds the shadow.

I can’t help but smile when I see my entire body in the early morning light. I’ve been holding it back for so long. Covering it up with socks, shoes and jeans. Making excuses for not joining in the fun. Now, I’m walking along the beach barefoot. It doesn’t matter that there’s not a soul around, just me.

The scars on the right leg from a double surgery back in 2001 are ever present, all seven of them. And the scars from the pins that used to be in my three middle toes. I feel the sensation of the sand softly walking up and down the beach. The splash of the water getting closer to the waves. And the breeze of the water surrounding me. Life feels good right now.

Days like this weren’t possible before. I was so afraid that everyone would gawk at my body. Heaven knows it came up for criticism during my younger years from loved ones. And I’ll be the first to admit that my body is an imperfect vessel.

But in this moment, I embrace myself fully and all the scars that I have. Without my scars I wouldn’t be the resilient person that I am.

Pink lips
Round Hips
that curve tightly around my body
like a winding mountain road
Flesh that
Hugs me
snugly

Rosebud nipples
smiling dimples
an unbruised apple bottom
fit to bite
with just enough juice to run down your greedy mouth
and my stomach tight

flat, no fat
Wiggle, not jiggle
Breasts full Eyes dull No sleep Still sweet
Like fruit that has taken its first breaths of ripeness

I have been allowed to grow and swell
but my body should not tell that tale
The story of a vessel ruined by the act of creation
No
I am still an unfired kiln
I can be made warm, hot, scalding
I am not pottery broken from the inside out

And is that what I’m supposed to be?
When I have grown too large for my body
When My spirit has crossed over and back again with another soul under its wing
and we both nested in this flesh
Am I still supposed to be small?

I don’t know how.

My lips are red and dripping love for this new soul
My hips are round like a harbor
I am the port from which she’ll launch
My kneaded focaccia flesh makes the bread for her table
I have swelled
I have proofed
I have risen

Faucet nipples pour the elixir of life
and I have many dimples now
My bottom
My Thighs
the tenders of my arms
are no longer chiseled into the bedrock of my bones
My flesh hangs where it was her hammock

And I still taste sweet
Like Arizona honey
and a ripe peach
I just also want to taste like permission to be
Freedom to ripen, to split open
to pour my pit into the earth where new life springs

I want to hear the sound of applause
when my thighs slap together
And feel the sun’s approval shining on my naked, imperfect stomach
I want to feel the gratitude of creation for dancing to her tune
For joining in the chorus
For being her instrument
I want you to scream ‘encore!’ as I take a bow
I have composed a symphony of life
Chords of flesh and notes of bone
With just these humble hands

Praise me
and tell me this is exactly what
I am supposed to be.