Dear Young Ones,
Let me start off by saying I see you. You are not lazy. You are not stupid. You are not incapable. You are not too young to feel the way you do at times. Your feelings are valid. Your mental state is real. You are real. I could sit here and write to you telling you what to do, but instead I’ll write to you telling you what I did. I’ll share with you some of my experiences because everyone tends to think we are so alone, we’re not. The world is huge and everyone likes to mask up and hide their experiences, which makes you who you are. My experiences do not define me but they helped mold me into the person I am now, and the person I am growing to be. One of my first memories is at 8 years old sitting in my top bunk bed drawing a big tree, apples you would think right? No, broken hearts. A swing you would think hangs from the branches? No, a noose tied around my stick figure neck. Big bold letters lined the bottom, “I’M SAD!!!” I had been abused since a very young age, in all ways, mentally, physically, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually by my family. I have used every type of bad habit to run from these experiences and mask the pain I felt. Let me ask you, does a mask just cover or cure? I asked myself, how do I cure scars that one cannot see? That family for so long told me were not real? I’m not one to lie, it is a hard, long road filled with bumps and hills to go over. For me, the first step was leaving my toxic environment that in all reality I loved so much. That was one of the most challenging things I did. For a while I went back and forth, reaching out arguing, begging for an apology I will never get. I had to realize I was only hurting myself so I finally stopped. Therapy helped with that but I wasn’t consistent yet. I worked a lot and didn’t want to use my skills. At first, I will admit, I traded one toxic environment for another. Using vices, hanging with unhealthy peers, sharing bad habits, contributing to thinking our ways were okay and going out a lot. I mean, we’re young right? Meant to make mistakes and “live it up”. Then, I found myself in a toxic relationship that I stood in for a year and a half until I got the courage to leave. Finally, I started taking therapy seriously. Stopped making excuses for not going or not using the skills I was learning. I stopped all of those vices, which took time and a lot of fight. I had to be real with myself and be accountable for the actions I was doing and the choices I was making that got me in that relationship and where I was in life at that time. I was on the verge of being evicted with no source of income, so I applied to multiple programs to receive help. I applied to multiple jobs. I was very ashamed and disappointed in myself and honestly, even aggravated. I had a choice, fight to do better and learn from mistakes or keep the cycle going. Now, almost a year later I got my job back working with kids at a high school. I have an afterschool job with elementary kids. I’m enrolled to start school in fall. Every morning, I brush my teeth then workout and I make healthier food choices. Both have helped my mental health immensely as well as my self confidence and discipline. Every Monday, after work I go to counseling then to a group. After I graduate from that group, I take EMDR therapy to help me remember my traumas so that I can process them and let them go. On Saturdays, I clean my house for the week. Every Sunday I include self care where I do whatever I see fit. Sometimes it’s being lazy in bed all day with a vanilla candle burning and whatever show I’m binging at that time, sometimes I go get my nails done, or my hair, sometimes I sleep all day only getting up to meal prep for the week. Life is a continuous challenge, but by learning what helps me and skills to handle problems in a healthy, safe way, I now know I’m equipped to handle anything life throws at me. I no longer need to fall and get back up constantly, I may trip a little or get off balance, but I stay on my feet now. All thanks to me.

Listen up,
and listen well.
I’ve tasted heaven,
and I’ve walked through hell.
Life can feel,
so unfair.
It all becomes,
too much to bare.
I used to cut,
and scratch my skin.
I have faith today,
but I came from sin.
Sex was cool,
and drugs were fun.
Lying, stealing,
and carrying a gun.
I thought I was tough,
I thought I was hard.
My Dad would pass out,
and I’d take his car.
I’d be gone for days,
no plan in sight.
My Dad was home,
worrying all night.
Would this be the time,
that he’d get that call?
That I’m not coming home…
Not this time at all.
Prison or death,
was my fate it seemed.
A life after this,
was just a dream.
But I finally woke up,
so I could push this farther.
But that’s more than I can say,
for my dear old father.
I was a year off the drugs,
When Dad passed away.
I was there when he died,
and I miss him every day.
He never got to see me,
speaking to a crowd.
Or maybe he did,
because now, he’s all around.
I’m glad I straightened up,
before Dad left this Earth.
Your family deserves that,
they’ve loved you since your birth.
So hang up your guns,
and don’t take that next pill.
Because the streets will never love you,
like your family will.

From the moment my body met the cold embrace of the toilet seat,

A violent tremor seized my knee,

And the fleeting notion of a mere stumble swiftly transformed into

Is this even real?…

Perhaps it’s expired… *frantically checks the expiration date…*

Not expired…

OH SHIT!
My world is crumbling…

OH SHIT!
My mother will never forgive me!

OH SHIT!
Too young, unprepared, incapable of raising a child.

With thoughts swirling like a storm in my mind, anxiety grips me like a vice,

As if a golf ball lodged in my throat, I surrender to my fate.

The life I once envisioned now lies in ruins…

Slowly, nine months slip away as a tiny life blossoms within me, easing my fears and igniting new dreams.

Gazing at my newborn, I whisper…

OH SHIT!
She’s a masterpiece!

OH SHIT!
I am your mother.

OH SHIT!
I promise to show you what success looks like, to grow into the best version of an adult, to shine for you!

Looking at my beautiful daughter and son, I remember a time when the idea of being a mother of two scared me, and I thought my life was finished. That old life did end, but a new one began! Now, I have two lovely children who bring me happiness every day, a job that gives me purpose by helping children, and many amazing opportunities that have made my journey richer. Even though my old life seemed appealing, I wouldn’t swap this new life for anything.

She’s not one to follow along in bureaucracies, but
She’s been known to follow along in love

Fiercely independent, and driven while on her own path, but
Easily drained, and lead astray when giving to another

Still… she follows along in love.

Full of fire that feeds off respect and integrity
She’ll defend you as an army of one… yes all on her own
Yet, isolation, loneliness and rejection is all she knows in return

Still… she follows along in love

She’s not one to avoid the storm,
Often portrayed as the shipwreck herself
False narratives, twisted details, made up truths and hidden facts ambush her reputation regularly
Reactions are the focus as she’s pushed to her breaking point

Still… she follows along in love

Broken down little by little made to feel crazy, unworthy, defeated, until she no longer recognizes herself

Still… she follows along in…chaos!

Determination for justice and revenge boil her blood
She convinced herself dishing out their own medicine, was OK
She became the tornado, the volcano, the earthquake, the SHIPWRECK… she became the shipwreck!

Desperation showed itself at rock-bottom
She stood at a crossroads in a ghost town with no map, and no compass

With all her might, one more time, she decided to follow along in love… for herself!

I felt like giving up
I was hanging from a thread
I just wanted to quiet
The thoughts inside my head
I’ve been hanging on for so long
Everything I felt was so wrong
I closed my eyes and took a breath
Letting go of all that caused me stress
I had to release myself
To hold on to something else
In that moment, I found my strength
To face the darkness and go the length
I took a step forward, embracing the unknown
With every stride, my confidence had grown
Though the road was rocky and filled with strife
I knew deep inside, I was reclaiming my life
No longer defined by the shadows of the past
I emerged stronger, ready to make it last

The tryouts were at noon today
and I was up there on display.

The coach said, “show us what you’ve got!”
my knees went weak, my face felt hot.

I tried a cartwheel, hit the wall,
and took a rather nasty fall.

My handstand was a total flop
I landed with a painful plop.

A backflip? I said what the heck,
then fell and almost broke my neck.

A backbend? Well, I really tried
but wrenched my back and nearly cried.

I tried the mini trampoline
but felt like such a klutzy teen.

I asked for other stunts to try.
The coach responded, with a sigh,

“A somersault should be a breeze
but you just bloodied both your knees.

“A roundabout? A running flip?
I fear, my dear, that you would trip.”

This cheering stuff is crazy hard
so I went home to my back yard.

My arms are sore and so’s my rear.
Can’t WAIT to try again next year!

p.s. I tried my best to become a cheerleader but other candidates had mad skillz, so I concentrated on mastering the trumpet. It worked out well because I became first chair trumpet.

I was proud to be on the football field in high school (with the cheerleaders on the sidelines) marching and cheering on our football team.