*BUTTERFLY FROM THE HOOD*

Why I just feel like I’m loosing strength my emotional intellect that used to reason ain’t even there.

I’m so used to dealing with things on my own… especially my emotions. I never was alone. I was so emotionally strong. resilient in a way.

I can’t Believe I endured a lot in my life since I can remember just .. to fall at the hands of my addiction.

After I got off the phone. I got in a shower n I told myself it’s all going in the toilet after I got out. The entire time I was in the shower I just didn’t want to get out.

Ultimately, I see that I lost the power over it.
I feel like I ignored my truama and just kept living life….

I was supposed to be happy and
learn how live happy and let go of all the pain and hurt.
I was supposed to raise a child .
I feel like everyone has their crew of loved ones… They can fall back on.

I’m always left to figure it out emotionally, physically, mentally and financially.
I mean I can’t build myself right now. it’s really hard just seeing myself like this.. ldk.
I went through a lot this wasn’t supposed to end like this. I cry way too much over dumb shit. N I know the shit amplies and ur sadder. but I never saw it coming.

That feeling sorry for myself
I feel unfortunate. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fill the void.I’ll never be what I was destined to be.
my pep talks,
my quotes,
……..My strong voice of reasoning left with my son when I gave him to the same guy Whom disregarded me as a person for 10 years ….life isn’t meant to be fair. There’s ppl in 3rd world countries that live n die there.I’m supposed to count my blessings. Oh and My parents I wasn’t blessed with good ones

mom was my first bully ….. something about me irked her when she saw me smile or enjoy myself…
NI mean Collecting all of my poems
for one day all to be gone??
Or wanting to read the back of my novel books to see what was so enjoyable in books…..

I feel like this kinda what she wanted for me.
She cut my own siblings from me. The same one I helped raise while I struggle to raise my own.

The last time I seen my mother I told her that having kids is a loan from god and that they failed me because I’m struggling from all the trauma.

I’m upset cause I really don’t want to give up on myself that way my parents did I mean I always told myself I was strong for a reason I can handle it. I’m emotionally equipped.