Solitude is where I find myself.
While feeling lonely at times,
I have learned to love the solitude that comes from rediscovering who I am.
After years of unlimited care for others and helping others achieve their goals while putting mine on hold, I had to learn how to say no and set boundaries.
But how selfish of you, they said.
Do you not care? They asked.
Who are you? They wondered.
You’ve changed. They spoke.
What happened to the sweet girl? They asked each other.
Who hurt her? They asked with confusion.
No, I am not selfish. Or maybe I am, and I love that for myself. No, I will not apologize.
Yes, I care, deeply. Deeper than they can imagine.
I didn’t know who I was either. After putting all of my energy into making everyone happy and taking care of everyone else’s needs, I lost myself. She is gone, nowhere to be found or heard, which is why I am so absent, withdrawn, and alone. While others call my life lonely, I call it rediscovery.
I love the peace of mind from being the opposite of who I was.
Yes, I changed and there is no denying it.
I am not that girl anymore.
The one that had no boundaries.
The one that always said yes.
The one that was going out of her way to serve others.
What can I say my cup was leaky, too many cracks, too many spills, and not enough repair or filling of my cup.
I had nothing left.
The cracks got bigger.
The hurt was deeper.
The cup emptied.
Not a drop left.
Suffocated is what I was.
No one was filling, only taking and taking.
Ignoring how fragile my cup was and the cracks getting deeper.
Eventually, I shattered.
I realized it was no one’s fault but mine.
Nobody owed me anything, not a hug, no support, and especially not their time when I needed it most.
It was my fault I was hurting.
The only one who can repair my fragile cup is me.
I now realize that as much as I would love for someone to be there for me when I am feeling hopeless and lost, just like I am always there for those I love, I cannot put that burden on them.
I’ve always been the daughter, friend, and sister that seems to have no problems.
We never have to worry about her, she always finds her way. I hear them say.
She’s so strong and independent. Again, they don’t know how fragile I am because I carry myself and my stressors well.
However, instead of hating how fragile I am and how others view me as a strong woman, now I love that I am accepting all of the broken pieces and one day at a time I am slowly putting those pieces together with the same love, care and time I invested on others.
Solitude has helped me learn to love all of myself, the good, the bad, the broken, and the weird.
I am thankful for the emptiness because it pushed me to rediscover my inner child, and my happiness, and overall opened my eyes to the takers.

Unexpected, scary, rapid, not making sense, and with no instructions. You feel it. Sometimes others notice. You truly know it when the reflection in the mirror is different… You’ve changed, how and when it happened? You don’t know but with change comes gratitude, new opportunities, open and closed doors, growth, pain, hurt, and life experience…

COURAGE was gained from questioning if I would have to say goodbye forever. Doctor after doctor, with no answer; I knew something inside was shattering. This had to be serious, serious enough to leave me numb emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Under the numbness hid the scared, worried, sad, and above all mad me. How was this possible? With every doctor that entered that cold, depressing, and quiet hospital room, I saw you fade away. The vibrant woman that you were was gone. The dreams and goals you hoped for your three children, that you’d never get to see, are gone just like that. I could see the fear, sorrow, and pain in your flesh. Yes, flesh because your soul was gone. Where did she go? Nobody knew, not me, not you, not your doctors, only God. Your soul was gone, maybe pleading for your case for another chance at life.

HURT and hopeless is what I felt sitting on a cold hard hospital floor. Hour after hour passed and still, your soul was gone somewhere where I couldn’t go. I was not ready, nobody was ready, and I believe you were not ready to let us go either. Numbness from all the hurt took over my life. Cancer? Oh was I angry! How could it be? She didn’t deserve it. Not her. Why her and not me, the reckless and careless me? I longed to make the pain she felt stop and take it upon me. How was that warm and safe place that held and nourished my development for nine months now taking my mother’s health, dreams, and soul?

ACCEPTANCE is all I had left. I changed my lifestyle to provide for the woman that gave up her own, family, country, friends, and goals to give my siblings and me all we had. I accepted the changes, putting my life on hold, to care for this woman, after her soul fought to stay, is one of the best things I have done in my life.

NEW doors opened and some closed. In the process of my changes, to serve my mother through this illness, I met people; some of whom became lessons, taught me how cruel people can be, and others brought light into my darkest days.

GROWTH comes from change. The good people, experiences, and lessens that come from these unpredictable situations make sense over time.

ENCOURAGE change even if it comes with hurt. Everything comes into our life to teach us something about the world or ourselves.

Life does not end when you’re down to your core,
We hold the choice to grow from the seeds within us.
Like an apple, its life may seem over once picked.
However, the seeds in the apple’s core could be the start of a new life if done correctly.
When life feels like it reached the core and you’re down to just the last few seeds; we then hold the choice to plant the seeds and try again. Except this time, we are choosing where we will plant those seeds.
Will we put our energy into repeating patterns and behaviors that got us to that dark hole or will we put the energy into planting ourselves with healthy habits while having patience with ourselves in order to become who we were always meant to be?
A grounded human, spreading our fruits with love and light, despite the past bitterness, heartbreak, and disappointment.
What we do with the seed’s life gives us will impact our future and it will also be the start of breaking generational toxic cycles.
Your future self and children will thank you for not giving up and becoming a rotten apple that stayed where it fell until life ended.
It is up to us to rise after that heartbreak and disappointment we feel.
Flourishing seeds spread light and guidance for others who are lost in finding their safe and solid soil to plant those seeds when they are down to their core. Be different, be a flourishing seed.