Growing up, I had to tell myself during my teenage years and as an adult, that I was enough!
I remember back then when my self-esteem was determined by what others thought about me, the choices I made and if I was good enough for them instead of for myself. I remember wanting to be like my mother and my brothers. They all attended a school of higher learning. I recall going to my mothers’ graduation as a young teenage girl. She was a divorced mother of five children. She beat the odds and became a woman with a two-year associate degree in social work. Both of my siblings seemed to do everything right. Unlike them, I seemed to struggle with learning. I always had to double study for everything. My family seemed so perfect that I put myself down. Then, after high school, I ventured out to become a college student myself. It was not easy. I had no money. I got loans and Pell grants. I had to work and study. I often had to study all night, in libraries, my dorm room to pass a test. I finally got to be like my family, I thought! Extremely optimistic and then I became very unsure. I wondered was it just as hard for my family too? At college, I found myself very alone and missing my mother and the crisp scent of blankets of home. Instead, I was in a dorm with crickets and the smell of mold. Don’t get it wrong, I liked college life, it just became too much for me all alone. I eventually moved back to my home. Now, my education was in jeopardy. My expectations for myself seemed doomed. But the story did not stop there. I remembered I had a dream.
I met a man along the way, and we decided to marry. With two children and a third on the way, I remembered I did not finish what I had started. This time I had to juggle my family. I eventually would go back to college. I completed the course work for an associate degree just like my mother! After which I started to substitute in schools. I went on to complete my bachelor’s degree in business education. As my children grew older, I needed a flexible job. I read about a program that could help me become a teacher and receive a master’s degree. I said to myself, as I had lacked confidence along the way all along, because learning was hard for me especially with juggling kids now. Well, this program worked! I graduated with a master’s degree and became a teacher. I often doubted the process. I doubted my dream, but I say this to let you know, life will not always be easy. You may have goals in your life or future that you may wish to dream of. Well, today that dream can become a reality. With hard work and dedication, asking for guidance, and receiving help along the way, you too can benefit in the end.
You got this! Keep your head held up high, stay strong, try to ignore the negative thoughts, and persevere! Self-talk positively to yourself, positive affirmations to yourself! You can do it! Make good choices, try hard and do not quit, dream big and apply yourself. With the pressures of today for example: peer pressure, body image, family, friends, belonging, exposure to drugs, relationships, social media school concerns, and money struggles just keep trying. These are all real concerns that are staring you in the face, do not ignore it, seek help, and remember your dream! You are allowed to dream but think about making it happen! Had I not remembered my dream and I looked back to see what others in my family succeeded in doing and not myself, I would not be a teacher today. Self-doubt is real, peer pressure is real. I too had to fight. I cried to sleep. I had negative thoughts, telling myself during the process, “You cannot do this, you are a low-income family, you have children, just quit and go on.” But then, my inner strength kicked in and it told myself “Hey! You can do this!” Tell your beautiful self the same thing. I can work hard and never stop! I am not going to give up until my dream becomes a reality. Life is hard, but somebody must do it! Why not you! You too can make it! Decide what it is you want, go for it, take a chance, and do not stop!
You got this! You are enough!
By, Angela Pinkins

In the tempest of my mind’s fierce gale,
Where shadows loomed and doubts assailed,
I walked a path, oft deemed too frail,
By voices harsh, where hope had paled.

They spoke in tongues of bleak defeat,
In classrooms cold, their words did chime,
“You’ll mount to naught,” their chorus bleak,
But still, I climbed beyond their rhyme.

With every whisper, sharp as thorns,
That I’m the storm, the child awry,
I bore the brunt of scornful scorns,
Yet never let my dreams go by.

Bipolar’s swing, depression’s night,
The borderline’s uncertain dance,
Schizophrenic shadows, lacking light,
Each battle joined, I did advance.

They could not see the strength within,
The silent wars I fought unseen,
Against the tempest, fierce and grim,
I rose above what might have been.

And now, behold this cap and gown,
The first in line, my family’s pride,
A bachelors’ earned, my scepter and crown,
In knowledge’s light, I now abide.

So let them gaze with widened eyes,
At who I’ve become, against all odds,
A testament to the unyielding skies,
That bend and break at the hands of gods.

The problem child, the one “so different,”
Has sculpted triumph from the pain,
With every step, more proficient,
In spite of rain, I’ve grown through rain.

Now let the past’s cruel judgments rest,
For I’m still standing, tall and true,
A life reclaimed, a heart unbowed,
A brilliant light, forever new.

The whispers fade, the voices dim,
No longer shall their echoes chide,
For I am more than they foresaw,
A phoenix rising, in full stride.

Dear Young Ones,
Let me start off by saying I see you. You are not lazy. You are not stupid. You are not incapable. You are not too young to feel the way you do at times. Your feelings are valid. Your mental state is real. You are real. I could sit here and write to you telling you what to do, but instead I’ll write to you telling you what I did. I’ll share with you some of my experiences because everyone tends to think we are so alone, we’re not. The world is huge and everyone likes to mask up and hide their experiences, which makes you who you are. My experiences do not define me but they helped mold me into the person I am now, and the person I am growing to be. One of my first memories is at 8 years old sitting in my top bunk bed drawing a big tree, apples you would think right? No, broken hearts. A swing you would think hangs from the branches? No, a noose tied around my stick figure neck. Big bold letters lined the bottom, “I’M SAD!!!” I had been abused since a very young age, in all ways, mentally, physically, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually by my family. I have used every type of bad habit to run from these experiences and mask the pain I felt. Let me ask you, does a mask just cover or cure? I asked myself, how do I cure scars that one cannot see? That family for so long told me were not real? I’m not one to lie, it is a hard, long road filled with bumps and hills to go over. For me, the first step was leaving my toxic environment that in all reality I loved so much. That was one of the most challenging things I did. For a while I went back and forth, reaching out arguing, begging for an apology I will never get. I had to realize I was only hurting myself so I finally stopped. Therapy helped with that but I wasn’t consistent yet. I worked a lot and didn’t want to use my skills. At first, I will admit, I traded one toxic environment for another. Using vices, hanging with unhealthy peers, sharing bad habits, contributing to thinking our ways were okay and going out a lot. I mean, we’re young right? Meant to make mistakes and “live it up”. Then, I found myself in a toxic relationship that I stood in for a year and a half until I got the courage to leave. Finally, I started taking therapy seriously. Stopped making excuses for not going or not using the skills I was learning. I stopped all of those vices, which took time and a lot of fight. I had to be real with myself and be accountable for the actions I was doing and the choices I was making that got me in that relationship and where I was in life at that time. I was on the verge of being evicted with no source of income, so I applied to multiple programs to receive help. I applied to multiple jobs. I was very ashamed and disappointed in myself and honestly, even aggravated. I had a choice, fight to do better and learn from mistakes or keep the cycle going. Now, almost a year later I got my job back working with kids at a high school. I have an afterschool job with elementary kids. I’m enrolled to start school in fall. Every morning, I brush my teeth then workout and I make healthier food choices. Both have helped my mental health immensely as well as my self confidence and discipline. Every Monday, after work I go to counseling then to a group. After I graduate from that group, I take EMDR therapy to help me remember my traumas so that I can process them and let them go. On Saturdays, I clean my house for the week. Every Sunday I include self care where I do whatever I see fit. Sometimes it’s being lazy in bed all day with a vanilla candle burning and whatever show I’m binging at that time, sometimes I go get my nails done, or my hair, sometimes I sleep all day only getting up to meal prep for the week. Life is a continuous challenge, but by learning what helps me and skills to handle problems in a healthy, safe way, I now know I’m equipped to handle anything life throws at me. I no longer need to fall and get back up constantly, I may trip a little or get off balance, but I stay on my feet now. All thanks to me.

Listen up,
and listen well.
I’ve tasted heaven,
and I’ve walked through hell.
Life can feel,
so unfair.
It all becomes,
too much to bare.
I used to cut,
and scratch my skin.
I have faith today,
but I came from sin.
Sex was cool,
and drugs were fun.
Lying, stealing,
and carrying a gun.
I thought I was tough,
I thought I was hard.
My Dad would pass out,
and I’d take his car.
I’d be gone for days,
no plan in sight.
My Dad was home,
worrying all night.
Would this be the time,
that he’d get that call?
That I’m not coming home…
Not this time at all.
Prison or death,
was my fate it seemed.
A life after this,
was just a dream.
But I finally woke up,
so I could push this farther.
But that’s more than I can say,
for my dear old father.
I was a year off the drugs,
When Dad passed away.
I was there when he died,
and I miss him every day.
He never got to see me,
speaking to a crowd.
Or maybe he did,
because now, he’s all around.
I’m glad I straightened up,
before Dad left this Earth.
Your family deserves that,
they’ve loved you since your birth.
So hang up your guns,
and don’t take that next pill.
Because the streets will never love you,
like your family will.

From the moment my body met the cold embrace of the toilet seat,

A violent tremor seized my knee,

And the fleeting notion of a mere stumble swiftly transformed into

Is this even real?…

Perhaps it’s expired… *frantically checks the expiration date…*

Not expired…

OH SHIT!
My world is crumbling…

OH SHIT!
My mother will never forgive me!

OH SHIT!
Too young, unprepared, incapable of raising a child.

With thoughts swirling like a storm in my mind, anxiety grips me like a vice,

As if a golf ball lodged in my throat, I surrender to my fate.

The life I once envisioned now lies in ruins…

Slowly, nine months slip away as a tiny life blossoms within me, easing my fears and igniting new dreams.

Gazing at my newborn, I whisper…

OH SHIT!
She’s a masterpiece!

OH SHIT!
I am your mother.

OH SHIT!
I promise to show you what success looks like, to grow into the best version of an adult, to shine for you!

Looking at my beautiful daughter and son, I remember a time when the idea of being a mother of two scared me, and I thought my life was finished. That old life did end, but a new one began! Now, I have two lovely children who bring me happiness every day, a job that gives me purpose by helping children, and many amazing opportunities that have made my journey richer. Even though my old life seemed appealing, I wouldn’t swap this new life for anything.