To Whom It May Concern,

Anxiety forced strength into my veins
Shooting in like a drug until I became
Addicted
Young army brat, only child
Made to say goodbye to friends
Who filled my latchkey lonely existence
High school lunches in the library
Not a winner at popularity
Accused at home of acting like a
Queen
Crying inside, always wanting to
Scream
(but I can’t seem to catch my breath)
College dropout, waitress, single wide, marriage, one kid, two kids, divorce, living with parents
Epilepsy
Teachers and classmates who do not…will not try to understand
Advocate for my child
Student, graduate, renter, work
Still looking for my self esteem
It’s not lost though
I never knew where it was
In the beginning
Bad relationships because I sure as hell don’t deserve better
Bought a home
Two. Doors. Down. From. My. Parents.
Surgery…the doctor said it was my hormones…it would resolve itself
Nothing in my life resolves itself
Surgery, surgery, surgery, surgery, surgery, surgery, surgery, surgery…I lost count and want to forget
Ran into my husband’s groomsman
At the store, in my sweat pants, unwashed hair, aging face, extra pounds
Must be love
Blended family, blended home, blended personalities
Four Teenagers, no one with Epilepsy anymore…puberty can be a blessing
Tears, misunderstandings…puberty can hurt
Always love…love can hurt
If you allow it
I always do
Moved 1325 miles to a home rented over the internet
Unpack, explore, smile in sunshine
Angry parents still in the cold
I feel it from here
Home foreclosed
Made to move again
After four months
Then again
And again
Another time too
But that’s not the last
Finally, a home
With our name on it
Knee replacement, prescribed myself whiskey for pain
Still a good decision
Soul piercing anger from a family member, changing me, charging me from the inside out
I am spent
Parents still angry, unafraid to tell me how much
If I don’t contact them, they can’t cause as much pain
Blood relatives mistake my silence for guilt and judge without
Even. Asking. Me. Not. One. Word.
I have one cousin now in a sea of DNA
I can’t swim
One day, the anger, anguish, frustration…whatever it was…overflowed in the brain of my parent, spilling enough that a truck was parked in my old high school parking lot and a gun was drawn and fired and breathing stopped and the other one blamed me on my social media and my head hasn’t quite stopped spinning since that day…and…I wish I could make it
Slow down so I can catch up
Love came in the form of elderly dogs who need hugs and kisses
So we give it to them, over and over and over until our home is full of
Fluffy little ones with cataracts, blindness, deafness, worn joints, disintegrating spines, bladder issues
One of the best decisions we’ve made
Hurricane Ian was a direct hit
Our home has a hole in the side, ceilings are missing, we watched them fall in
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
It concerns me
I could be weak, sometimes I am
But I am also strong
So strong
I am immeasurable
Because I find a way
(the hidden path)
Love,

Dear Gerald,

For a long time, you felt that out of all the attributes you had, being strong wasn’t a part of that list.
You saw other people as being strong like actors who played strong characters in movies, musical artists who looked like they had overwhelming strength in their image, or just family members and kids you knew who seemed like they had a lot of power & strength inside their bodies.

Meanwhile, you had a hard time believing that you were or could be strong. The self-doubt, insecurities, low self-esteem, and overthinking clouded you from seeing how strong you were all along.

It can be challenging to see your strength when you’re surrounded by people who undermine or don’t appreciate it. Thankfully, you can see more clearly that you’re a strong person.

What makes you strong is your willingness to have empathy for others when you could have given up on that a long time ago. Your inner drive to empower others as best as you can also make you strong.

The fact that the inner pain that you have been wrestling with for years didn’t drive you to the grave makes you strong. The will to keep fighting for a better life every day makes you strong.

Your increasing drive to try new things makes you strong and writing this letter makes you strong also.
You don’t feel strong all the time. But acknowledging that takes tremendous strength to do. Plus it gives you the peace that everyone needs in their life.

Everyone is strong in their unique way. It’s great to be reminded of that fact every now and then.

Sincerely,

Strength it seems cannot be seen.
It floats, it sinks, it rises Supreme.

Appearances will seldom show, the strength and power of a true, pure Soul.

What makes me strong is not my size, is not the muscles in my arms or thighs.

There is one muscle which I have strong, it is my heart, which sings its Sekhem song.

Humming softly to my head, to keep the faith and Rise instead.

Sinking we will only do, to dive the deep; and Ascend higher, whole and true. ~ © 2023, Danielle, #DAMCL ™, @DsEnlightenedEdits ® 𓌂𓋹

Dear seventeen-year-old me,

Now that you’re aware of your autism, let me give you some advice. Your first thought will be to wrap up your autism and lock it up in the closet. I will advise you to keep your autism hidden from your peers for the time being because they will pretend to be your friend to make themselves look good. However, you mustn’t hide your autism in the back of your mind and pretend it doesn’t exist. You might find this hard to believe, but your autism is actually your strength. The more you accept it, the stronger it’ll make you.

Your autism is why you’re so creative. You’re not afraid to think outside the box and come up with ideas that most people would consider “crazy”. These ideas will extend to plays like the ones you love to perform in and stories like the ones you love to read. Nobody else can say that they came up with these ideas but you. While some people might tell you that nobody will be interested in your writings, they’re not the right audience for your creations. Don’t worry, the right audience will come along and appreciate what you have to say. They’ll want to travel to the worlds that you create. They’ll want to connect with the characters that you give life to. You’ll change lives and perspectives with your words because you have a brain with a higher capacity than the avenge writer. Your brain was meant to expand to areas that no one would dare to touch. None of this would be possible without your autism.

Although being different will certainly make you a depressed outcast, this experience will soon make you stronger. You know what it’s like to be silenced and shut away from the world. You know what it’s like to have a story that no one wants to hear because it’s different. When you’re an adult, you’ll become an advocate for the autistic community. Autistic people will look up to you and non-autistic parents will ask for advice. It is your destiny to fight for a better world so that future generations of autistic kids won’t grow up miserable and socially shut away as you did. The world wouldn’t be better off without you as you’d like to believe; lives would be ruined if you were to disappear right now. Please know that your autism isn’t going to lead to your downfall; it’s going to lead to your greatest success.

Until you reach my timeline, please do all the research that you can so that you can develop a better understanding of yourself. Make some friends on the spectrum and listen to them. Oh, and in case you’re worried, your autism won’t prevent you from finding love. In fact, you can thank your autism for that. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Give it about seven to eight years and you’ll see. Keep being weird and never throw away your ideas!

Proud to be autistic,