To Whom It May Concern,

Anxiety forced strength into my veins
Shooting in like a drug until I became
Addicted
Young army brat, only child
Made to say goodbye to friends
Who filled my latchkey lonely existence
High school lunches in the library
Not a winner at popularity
Accused at home of acting like a
Queen
Crying inside, always wanting to
Scream
(but I can’t seem to catch my breath)
College dropout, waitress, single wide, marriage, one kid, two kids, divorce, living with parents
Epilepsy
Teachers and classmates who do not…will not try to understand
Advocate for my child
Student, graduate, renter, work
Still looking for my self esteem
It’s not lost though
I never knew where it was
In the beginning
Bad relationships because I sure as hell don’t deserve better
Bought a home
Two. Doors. Down. From. My. Parents.
Surgery…the doctor said it was my hormones…it would resolve itself
Nothing in my life resolves itself
Surgery, surgery, surgery, surgery, surgery, surgery, surgery, surgery…I lost count and want to forget
Ran into my husband’s groomsman
At the store, in my sweat pants, unwashed hair, aging face, extra pounds
Must be love
Blended family, blended home, blended personalities
Four Teenagers, no one with Epilepsy anymore…puberty can be a blessing
Tears, misunderstandings…puberty can hurt
Always love…love can hurt
If you allow it
I always do
Moved 1325 miles to a home rented over the internet
Unpack, explore, smile in sunshine
Angry parents still in the cold
I feel it from here
Home foreclosed
Made to move again
After four months
Then again
And again
Another time too
But that’s not the last
Finally, a home
With our name on it
Knee replacement, prescribed myself whiskey for pain
Still a good decision
Soul piercing anger from a family member, changing me, charging me from the inside out
I am spent
Parents still angry, unafraid to tell me how much
If I don’t contact them, they can’t cause as much pain
Blood relatives mistake my silence for guilt and judge without
Even. Asking. Me. Not. One. Word.
I have one cousin now in a sea of DNA
I can’t swim
One day, the anger, anguish, frustration…whatever it was…overflowed in the brain of my parent, spilling enough that a truck was parked in my old high school parking lot and a gun was drawn and fired and breathing stopped and the other one blamed me on my social media and my head hasn’t quite stopped spinning since that day…and…I wish I could make it
Slow down so I can catch up
Love came in the form of elderly dogs who need hugs and kisses
So we give it to them, over and over and over until our home is full of
Fluffy little ones with cataracts, blindness, deafness, worn joints, disintegrating spines, bladder issues
One of the best decisions we’ve made
Hurricane Ian was a direct hit
Our home has a hole in the side, ceilings are missing, we watched them fall in
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
It concerns me
I could be weak, sometimes I am
But I am also strong
So strong
I am immeasurable
Because I find a way
(the hidden path)
Love,