Dear Universe,

Bob Marley once said, “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.” I had seen that quote long ago, as a teen, on a poster at the mall and never knew I would feel the weight of those words later in my life. That truly did seem like a land far, far away.

You see, I survived over twenty-three years of domestic abuse. During active abuse, I thought I was weak. Once I got away from my abuser for good, I then thought of myself as powerless and foolish. I wasn’t any of those, I discovered. I was loving. I was resourceful. I was my children’s umbrella and protector. I had previously allowed another human being, who claimed to love me so much, to use me as a punching bag and doormat — so he wouldn’t harm our children. Then, I started to feel worthless and humiliated.

I really did try everything in my power to make my abuser happy, but I know now that nothing would have ever done that. That made me miserable until I realized that it was NOT my job to make him happy…so instead? Well, I made me happy — because I am the only one I can truly control. While I still struggle, I am happy. After all, I resigned myself to be…and well, because I am A LOT safer than I have ever been.

I did everything that a wife and mother were supposed to do: love and support her family members, and provide for her family by whatever means she had. I gave my ALL…literally so much so that getting away nearly killed me. People tell me that I am brave. No, not brave…I think a better word would be “stubborn.” Can stubbornness be a strength? For me, it was because it kept me and my family alive!

What I’ve discovered, after five years outside of abuse, is what strength truly is. Strength isn’t necessarily bravery. Strength is consistency. Strength is doing what you know you should do, even though it is not easy or desirable, because it is right. Strength is carrying on, even though you are so tired and you feel like giving up, but you try just “one more time,” resulting in a “win” (no matter how small). Strength is breaking things down into little, manageable pieces and taking those on, one at a time, until you’ve achieved! Strength is setting boundaries because you know all too well the consequences if you don’t.

Strength, too, is finding yourself again, after you lost yourself. I re-discovered myself, post abuse, slowly but surely. It can be in the form of self-love, which is like a self-perpetuating engine. And these things, skills, and activities, that I used to love, came back to me as my strengths (because I had missed them so greatly). My abuser wouldn’t allow me to write. I could write nothing because even writing in my personal journal was an abomination! I was stripped of privacy and individuality. Hell, I was stripped of everything to the point that I was mimicking a human being. I was a fembot and life was bleak. Now, life has color again and it’s beautiful! Strong, vibrant color!

I have drawn my strength from finding my true purpose: helping victims and survivors of domestic abuse get out and permanently stay out of abuse. God delivered me from a demon, so I must give that knowledge back to others who are still in the dark. I will lend my light to another, so that they may become enlightened. The light they give off helps to heal me and then help more. In the Bible, Proverbs 27:17, states this exactly: “as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

I am strong. If I cannot find a way, like General Hannibal, I will make one!

Much love and light,