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staturesque submitted a contest entry to
Write a letter telling the world about what makes you strong 1 years, 1 months ago Every Bleeding Wound Made Me Strong
Clarisse HayesI knew I was strong when I could drown the sound of violence with books and imagery, academics and poetry; reach beyond the ceiling that echoed misery and graduate Summa Cum Laude.
Strength was me seeing two lines and dissociating immediately to give a life that never even got to lock eyes with me the chance to escape the futile ride that surely waited on the other side.
My real test of strength came when I told myself ‘I was afraid, but this time I’ll do it scared’ and allowed a genius to grow inside of me and teach me, simply, how to hug. Between the push and pull of ownership versus individuality, I’ve been strong enough to let him just BE.
On those days violence got personal and public, a war waged against just me: I had to hide every scar that scraped my skin and pierced my soul to stand in the face of authority who had the power to destroy me because the lies, status and money were felt deeper than my hidden cries. I don’t think I’ll ever let that one go. Because I still have to stare into the face of the one who vengefully and vehemently toiled and plotted to see me disintegrate, willfully hoping to separate a bond he knew he could never break anyway.
Yeah, I’ll never let that go.
But I’m still strong.
I’m strong because my body is filled with thunder and lightening and the remedies I take each day will never change the season, only get me to my last one. So some days I just lie in bed and watch the clock and focus on my breaths; then others, I live like it’s the last time I’ll ever take one.
Yeah, I think that’s strong because that’s my balance and it works for me. Through insomnia and sleep paralysis, some nightmares and some true; I sit and wish the sky wasn’t blue, but black because that’s the color of the skin that towered over me whenever I needed relief, or slack, or just someone to have my back.
That was my greatest protector. And even he decided to give up and stop breathing in front of me while the one who birthed and nurtured me can’t even get me to answer the phone unless she’s ready to do the same.
That’s my truth and I can no longer hide behind the guilt, sin or shame.
I am strong because chaos is carried through my last name but I still sit – daily, and coddle my own heart from the pain.
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Clarisse, I am so sorry for some of the terrible things you’ve had to endure, but it sounds like – because of your very own strength – you are beginning to live the life you deserve. It is absolutely incredible that you graduated summa cum laude. That takes so much strength, determination and intelligence and it sounds like you have it all. Your child is so luck to you have you and you will change your environment and change life for future generations. Congrats on your strength and your courage. You are incredible and I am proud to have you a part of our community. Keep going after the life you want and the life you deserve. We will be here cheering you on every step of the way. <3 Lauren
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I truly appreciate your kind words. To finally feel seen/heard has done wonders for my confidence and I am extremely grateful for you and the community you’ve structured to be a safe space for anyone who can relate to what life’s battles does to a person. Thank you.
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Clarisse, it takes a lot of strength to go through so many things that affected you physically and mentally and be able to drown it out. A lot of people wouldn’t take it the same way and they would probably would have given up on life itself. I’m glad that you were able to have so much strength where you were able to make it out of that horrible situation.
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‘One day at a time’, is what I tell myself now. The road was not easy and I still bump my head from time to time but the wisdom I’ve gained from all of the hardships is undeniable. Thanks so much for seeing me.
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