For peace of God, which surpasses all understanding
For this has guarded my heart and mind
Helping me walk on my lonesome journey to my purpose divine
To travel to a world consumed by the dark, to be a beacon of light, always shall we fight?
For a new release of this identity that has always been forced upon me
They thought that the power of love was a weakness
Trapped away beat and molded to be shy and meek
Then hide behind religious’ who, equilibrium leading us into our accountability we must unfold
Sadly they did not know, the pressure applied helped the collective ascend and fly
Oh how the prayed for my demise
But God wrote otherwise
For I have found my peace, for this knowledge has been applied
This essence that you feel from me has been uniquely assigned
Focused my energies
To achieve God’s gifted divinity
Releasing the pain so imprisoned within me
For I have received my liberty
Blessings be to all the souls that long to be free…

The way the dirt folds
beneath my feet
reminding me,
Just how far I’ve walked
Like my grandmother before me.

The way you held my hand
And told me stories.
Unknowingly forging
the path that lay ahead of me.

Endlessly grateful
for all the days
For all the ways
that you taught me to live
my truth, my story.

Words written now
in permanent ink,
I carry forever with me.
“The giving of a blessed life.”
Your greatest gift to me.

This life I cherish.
The time we’ve shared.
This path you’ve forged.

The memories you’ve given me.

Forever grateful,
Is all that I will ever be.
For God gave you to me.

Even for just a brief moment,
in this eternity.

Forever grateful,
Is all that I will ever be.

A chameleon takes many forms in this world

An entity, that is very personal to me, has that same property

The way it can morph into many unique facets is endless

This being enables me to take in the soft air that expands my lungs

The air that’s clean, all around me and allows me to see another day

Part of this creature has my face, is a bit older, wiser and is who I call ‘mom’

Another part of it has an equal amount of age and wisdom, with more masculine behavior, and is who I call ‘dad’

It is mixing lemon-zest ginger tea with a detox formula of cinnamon, cardamom and dandelions

Reveling in the subtle taste of each herb

And noticing that the tang of the lemon is surprisingly overshadowed by the subtle sweetness of its cardamom-dominated partner

This abstract wonder is going to my sister’s house

Worrying that I might clash with her womb mate, my other sister, as I often do

And having those worries dissipate as soon as an intoxicating liquid touches my lips

And mountains of food make a home in my stomach

This hidden beast is vividly imagining anything from butterflies in my backyard to everything
I want Jason Diaz and Keith Powers to do to me

And letting my penmanship kiss endless papers as I let each and every intricate detail run wild because my passion is infinite when written

This sought-after figure is the beauty and self-sufficience that becomes me each and every day

It is when I see good company that I haven’t seen in years but become blessed with the best sense of reminiscence towards

This rarity is a family to cook, pray and share endless meals, stories and laughter with on days not limited to Thanksgiving

This joy is cherishing the fortunes I have been given

This chameleon, with all the layers it possesses, is known as gratitude

i know pain because i know love.
pain & love can be the most powerful or disastrous recipe known by man.
between the two, i sometimes contemplate which carries heaviest within the heart.
some place armor to protect themselves.
others allow the knife to slowly seep underneath their skin.
“always sleep with one eye open.
never take anything for granted.”
this can be torturous within itself —
how can we ever get any real sleep?
are my eyes not for me?
are your eyes for you?
for what we see, are we really seeing for what it is?
pain deludes within the soul.
love delights within the truth.
may our eyes rest peacefully through the most somber of nights.
where darkness resides there is light to be found.
i choose to sleep with my eyes closed.
there is beatitude in trusting the madness.
for i choose to love on and appreciate for what i do have, rather than what i do not.
may this spirit i have be the lighthouse for those that cannot make direction.
for i know being aimless very well.
may those who find me, hold me as i will do for them.
may our hearts be stoned no more.
may the love be enough even for when it may seem very little.
i know pain & i know love,
for in those i choose to be grateful for it all.

Your crystal clear caramel eyes
Meet my dull drained dark eyes

You pur to me as I feel your fur

You see the light in me before I might

Your eager for attention affection admiration

Keeps me alive.

But little do you know it’s something deeper to me.

When I sing you a lullaby of words you’ll never understand.
You’re better than any other man.

As I feed you a can of salmon

My dark dull drained eyes start to glisten

Feeling giddy

For I am ever so grateful and thankful.

You keep me alive.

The moon and stars
The comets that sweep the sky
The sun that rises in the morning

The deer that play in the fog
The birds singing in the morning sun
The bugs doing their best day by day

My dog who greets me everyday
My cat who meows at every given chance
My family that supports us

The love and support you give me
The quiet days and the playful days with you
The smile you give me when things are okay

But most of all, you.
You make me grateful.
You.

When I realized he could see me,
the way I use humor as a distraction.
The way I crave love,
even though I hide from the world.
When he lovingly pointed out the parts of me
that I thought I’ve been hiding so well,
I melted.
I feel naked,
I feel seen.
Being seen is better than being loved.
Many men will have loved me by this time,
the version of me they’ve created in their head.
For that reason, it’s always been a dead end.
Few people have really seen me.
Most see what they want to see,
what they want me to be
what they thought I could be,
if I was just a little less stubborn.

This is different.
This is real and raw.
That’s what I saw.

Dear anxious thoughts,

I finally found it
halfway through a cup of earl grey
against the porcelain of a just used dish
in the far echoes of birds’ quaint chirping
while strolling through the park
Quiet
The hush of a mind settling into serenity.

Some people don’t think
rather
their minds are not incessant
forced to endure a constant monologue
seeking at every moment to be heard
Thought is intentional
a conscious effort.

My mind has always had a habit of running ahead of me
chasing fragments of ideas
pieces of abstraction that will never be whole
Body follows quick
heart racing
breath quickening
muscles tight
painful tension
Forced into incessant suffering
mentally, physically, emotionally
normal meant nothing more
than the desperate need to be free.

Then exhaustion
overwhelm finally winning me over
my body made stillness where it refused to be found
a clear rejection to so much stimuli
and laying in the quiet
created by a body truly weary
I found relief.

Now knowing this peace
I build mindfulness into my everyday
times of quiet
of tranquility
of the beauty in internal
silence.

I am grateful for the memories you that weren’t lobotomized.
For all the wounds I walked away with-
For the scars that took their places.

I am grateful for the garden that you grew in me-
After being buried in the yard.
Resilient are the flowers that grow from unforgiving earth

I am grateful for the love I give so openly.
The same love I gave to you.
The kind of love you could never reciprocate.
I felt your unprecedented apathy and hate.

I am grateful that you showed me what love isn’t.
With that lesson i found my confidence.
The same confidence you replaced with insecurities.
I see now that time with you was just a ripple.

I am grateful to be Scarlet Begonias-
As I’ll catch someone else’s eye.
But, what I am most grateful for-
Is to not be apart of the dead.

I Am Grateful –
In my twenty years of living, I have acquired a list of little things for which I am grateful. Family & friends. That’s a given, though maybe not for all people. But this is about me & not you right now. I digress, family & friends – they know who they are & how much I love them. But apart from the safe answer, I am grateful for quite a few things that include; rainbows after rain. Gel pens that erase. Hot caramel lattes with extra espresso no matter the temperature outside. The rush of fear mixed with adrenaline whenever I stand near the edge of something. I am grateful for all of my hyperfixations of haunted animatronic lore & morally grey fictional characters whom I continually find comfort. I am grateful for home-cooked meals by my Dad over the holidays. Especially his homemade pasta, gravy, & meatballs. Yes, it’s red sauce. Yes, it’s a family thing. No, it’s not weird. I am grateful for the way my skin marks at the slightest touch as if I am collecting bruises like charms on a charm bracelet. They are monuments to all my moments. Speaking of bruises, I am grateful for the first boy who bruised my heart. Well no actually he broke my heart. To be specific, he broke my heart exactly two weeks before my fifteenth birthday & to the boy whose heart I broke when I got tired of trying to revive something that died a while ago. Your parting words, “Thank you for the memories” will forever haunt me. A permanent skeleton in my crowded closet. I am grateful for the one who saved me in a way. Your late-night conversations & quiet compliments kept me sane as I was trying to find myself again. You are the person I would have waited an eternity for to come around. However, Lady Luck was on my side for once when I indulged in my desires that night. God, I am so grateful for that good weather, that clear October sky when we stargazed out of your sedan. Gazing at constellations, I told you how I felt. Who knew that the window to heaven was through your sunroof? So of course, I am grateful that you liked me too. & I am grateful for every moment, good or bad that I have ever had because that is what brings me to you.

I am grateful for the tears.
I am grateful for the laughter.
You wounded my spirit, but in the end, I am so much stronger.
Your ignorance sucked the life out of me, but I found a new friend that breathed life back into me.

I made a new friend, she is awesome!
It’s awesome to have you here with me!
You are wise and strong. You are a friend who pushes me to persevere when all seems like dying. Wake up, my friend, you whisper.
With you by my side, tasks become a breeze, and my day becomes more manageable. You whisper, keep walking; you are smiling.
The backpack is light for you; incredibly, you are my friend.
Please stay with me and continue to teach me to fly like a feather.

I made a new friend!
After many tears, heart racing, and a wounded spirit, I could let go.
It was all thanks to you, my new friend! You gave me the strength to keep going. You whispered, stay alive, wake up, work, and rest. You helped my heart breathe again. I am grateful, my friend.
I am glad you came alive; I am so happy you are my new friend.

My new friend does not seek justice; she surrenders to the destiny of the World. After all, what is justice when the wound took who I was?
Perhaps Justice is my new friend. Maybe justice is rising.
My new friend is trustworthy. I learned your instincts are correct and will always protect me.
I am grateful for my new friend. Without the many tears, maybe I would have never met you.

I am grateful I have a new friend. My friend is firm in boundaries. My friend has no fear of consequences. Bold and audacious!
My friend taught me peace is letting go. Detaching, I can breathe.
My friend came with tears, much more than laughter.
You wounded my spirit, but I have a new friend.
Arise, my friend; your smile and eyes bring life to my eyes.

I let go, I detach, you no longer inflict pain.
Now, my friend and I are working, achieving, dreaming, and thriving.
You do not have the power.
I have a new friend. You no longer have me.
I have a new friend.

Tonight I drink! Here’s to many more unique experiences together on our journey! Please don’t go, my friend!
Thank you for being here! Tonight, I drink to the tears.
You were there with me. As tears flooded me, you came; you saved me from myself.
Slowly, you were born deep from inside of me.
Then you whispered, Your help is always near! Wake up, my friend!
I saw your smile.

I have a new friend.
Her fairness is admirable.
Her safety is reliable.
I am grateful you are my friend.
You make my life full of brilliance, hope has arisen, you are my friend.

Thank you for being here.
I am grateful, I say.
May the pain and tears come; maybe I will find a new friend.

You whisper, no pain; it is all transformation.
No challenges. It is all transformation.
No learning. It is all transformation.
No resiliency, but growth and transformation.
You live inside me; I have a new friend.
You, my friend, know the secret of transformation.
You arrived at my heart.
Please stay, but you say no, my friend. The time is near.
You know there will be a time of death for you; transformation is near again. A new friend is arriving.

I am thankful for you, my friend.

To say the gratitude
I have for you
Is infinite…
Would still be an understatement

So let me attempt to paint you a better picture with the colors of my words
The bright yellow I feel for you brings such joy and ease…
The feeling of sunshine and smiles and birds in the trees
And all good things
That warm the heart in the Light

The soft pink envelopes me
Like a sweet hug and soft kiss
You comfort and hold me
I’ll forever cherish this

The blue I have felt
Runs deep, as the ocean
And though I feel sad
You still come through
You lead with compassion
Through waters unknown
Bringing peace to my heart
Cool and blue

The green that’s inspired in me by your vibrant ways
Feels fresh and expansive abundant and true
“Grow” you tell me
Down my roots go
Reaching
Connecting
Making things grow

The crimson I feel for you lies deep in my heart
A longing, or yearning
Felt straight from the start
Hot, excited but slightly unsure
How could this beautiful rosy dream be mine?
The feeling inside feels ancient yet known
My soul calling yours, longing to return home
Safely nested close to yours

All of these colors…
Beautiful confusion
You help me sort through them with no expectation
Of a favor returned

So yes “grateful” might be an understatement
For the one who came into my life to help change it into something of beauty, expansion and service
Grace is your way and everyone sees it
An exemplary example of a Man Divine

A life of devotion you model so well
I long to one day be able to say I made you proud
Forever in gratitude to You, My Love.

Dear Motherhood,

You were a journey I yearned to embark on for many of my childhood years. A journey I knew I had to have however, knew nothing about. Today, I have been a mother for 15 years, nearly half my life. Your are everything I dreamed of and nothing I could have ever imagined. I cry uncontrollably, I have to re-parent myself, I’ve seen so many different versions of me within you.
I’m grateful for you the most out all of my life experiences. I’ve had some of my highest highs and my lowest lows within you. You have pushed me to grow and heal. The healing journey I have experienced was because of you. You taught me that I do not have to be what the world said I am. You’ve given me so many gifts. I’ve watched myself and my children grow into beautiful human beings.
I’ve learned kindness from you. I’ve learned how to love me. I’ve learned to treasure the moments while being excited for the future. You’ve taught the control freak within me that she can not control anything but herself. I can not express the magnitude of gratefulness I carry within me for you. Every minute that passes I look forward to the next.
I am excited to see what the future of motherhood hold and I’m ready for everything it has to throw at me; the good, the bad, the ugly and the pretty. So I say to you, Motherhood, thank you for everything you have and continue to gift me and all the wisdom you will embark on me.

Forever a Mother of Motherhood,
Antoinette Gonzalez

Strangers in Passing
By Roxanne De Guzman

I’m fifteen and my sister and I are laughing just a little too hard in the Sephora checkout line
Everything special, but nothing new; she’s my best friend, and we laugh like this all the time
The older woman behind us taps me on the shoulder, kind face and a reassuring smile
Have you guys had a few too many mimosas over brunch? Because that sure is what it seems like

Now I never knew her name, and it’s been too long to remember her face
But I recall her starting a conversation, and I still think about her to this day
She said we remind her of her daughter, a government-advisor-turned-culinary-business-owner-Hallmark-cliche
And she told us to follow our dreams no matter what, even, and especially, if they change

So here I am all these years later, three weeks before quitting my first job after graduation
Trying to decide if I should find another gig or continue my education
I’m not happy: I’m lost and confused and consumed by burning, aching, throbbing indecision
Cursing who I am and who I used to be and the people who put me in this position

I’m in this stage of life right now where I can’t stop making a fool of myself
Some bad things are easy to handle, but even those, I don’t handle well
And I’m desperate to grow up, to be better, to right all my wrongs and come out of my shell
But I lock myself in my room, dissociative, spiraling, pushing boulders up infinite hills

I feel so stuck, I grew up with so many dreams and so much potential, oh how I wish I was more
How I wish I hadn’t stopped seeing the beauty of my own life the minute misfortune showed up at my door
It’s hard to be afraid, to be alone, to do everything you could have done and still come up short
I wish I picked myself back up in the moment; now I’m sifting through sharp glass, trying to see what I can restore

I need to be unafraid to change, to leave, to believe that the universe is ultimately kind and good
That if I do my best until there’s nothing left, then this time, it will work out like I had always hoped it would
And I need to focus more on the things that I can do and do them, instead of worrying about likelihood
And one day, maybe soon, I will make sense of the lessons that I never truly understood

I’m safe here in my bubble, surrounded by love and light and poetry to grace every empty page
And while I’ve started to see the beauty in this current life, I don’t think I’ll be happy if I continue to play it all safe
I think the novelty is worth the trouble: the wisdom comes when you grow with your age
And everything new is absolutely terrifying, but not nearly as awful as the monotony of staying the same

I’m thankful for love and the changes, the sweetness of the strangers, and the thrill of something new
The inspiration and the solid foundations, the warmth of a home to always come back to
The motivation of the stagnation, the things we gain in translation— the dreams, this time I know I’ll see them through
How unprompted kindness heals the weathered heart, turning hurricanes to morning dew

The fear of uncertainty, the passing on of courage, the comfort of strangers being kind when they didn’t have to be
Everything special, and everything new; no obligation, just a sense of community
Softening the soul, bringing down the walls, making a lover of someone who used to think so cynically
And the strangers I’ve met in passing will never know just how much the things they’ve said and done still mean to me

Finding hope after darkness

Sitting in the manic darkness of my mind, lost in the turmoil of what I had expected life to be.
I am not a burden; I am not a waste. I have a right to live, and I have a right to love. Damn, you for betraying my heart; damn you for throwing me away like trash; I deserve better. Because I am not trash!
I was sick; God damn you, I was ill, and you and your ability to justly your bad behavior is out of this universe. I did not swim in the shadows after all.
I did not give in to the darkness and was given a light to show me my story was not done. I was shown I have a purpose and a reason to go on.
I was shown that even though my mind was hurt, I was shown how to bring some calmness to the storm within my mind through the magical potion that I was bestowed.
Rebuilding from the sadness and the turmoil is a scary feat; learning that the one person you chose to bond with felt that you were disposable is not an easy act to survive, but you can stay.
I found new purpose and self-awareness with my potion of calmness, and with all of this, I found pure love in a way I never thought I would see.
I found an actual goal for my life and a closer connection with God. I found a reason to keep fighting, an excuse to keep showing up in my own life and not giving up for as long as the universe as God allows me to be. Now that I get to live in potential, I get to live in hope, and after being in the depths of darkness, this is a much better place to be.