To live is to endure levels of discomfort.
We step beyond our own limits to learn, fail, and experience.
We limit ourselves to the encounters of life when we confine our limits to a box.
Being uncomfortable is when we learn the most about ourselves and our abilities to live.
What we are willing to sacrifice, embrace and fear.
Without these experiences, life would be meaningless.
A seed without growth. A bird without flight. Music without sound.
Comfort is a warm embrace, much like a nest is to an egg.
But we all have to leave the nest someday.
Knowing the risks, we take that first step, we play that first note.
We endure the discomforts of being “newborn” to bring more purpose to our lives.
We must do so by leaving our comfort zone.

Dear Unsealers,
If you’ve made it this far, I applaud you. For by opening this letter, you have indulged your curiosity. You’re no longer fully content to stand at the edge where you feel safest. You’ve dipped your toe in that murky water of uncertainty. Even in the shallow end, courage can be found.
What can be said in these words from the edge? By the way, those boundaries move as you push up against those walls. What once was a dark border of mysterious lands is now illuminated and you’re on to the next, slashing at the terrain with the machete. Or at the very least sitting on a rock, hopefully thinking about how you made it this far and wondering what lingers just beyond your line of sight, beyond the campfire light. I find myself at least peeking around the corners, even when I spend most days scared shitless. I’ve been diagnosed with panic disorder. Prescribed a regular spectrum of pill shaped relief to fill a not-so-pill shaped hole. I’ve had three periods in my life where I was unable to even leave the house. What if I can’t find my way to my destination? What I someone gets angry at me when I step on their foot accidentally at the bus stop? The neat thing about panic disorder is that you don’t even need these slinky narratives to get you to your very own, full blown panic attack. You can just get a few steps beyond your welcome mat, out of your comfort zone and your arms begin to weigh a hundred pounds. Your heart rate spikes up. You get a real nice sweat going on a cold day. Pretty soon you lose feeling in your arms. Your nervous system sounds the alarm. This is not a test. You’re dying.
The colors are too saturated and the air too still and the rattle of an old sprinkler is far too loud. Everything is overcooked and, in the foreground, bombarding you. You try to walk your dogs and try to make sense of it or ignore it, all the while trying not to bump into the painted scenery. You apologize to the pavement you tripped on and then become acutely aware you don’t remember getting to your present location.
Every thought is like reading the same sentence in a book over and over again.
Every thought is like reading the same sentence in a book over and over again.
Spoiler alert: you can’t hide indoors while the world keeps spinning and be able to pay bills, connect with loved ones, or go to your favorite coffee shop. So, you go. You take those miserable steps beyond the mat. You sit miserably in classes and social situations. You return to that space you feel safest and hold the memories. The memories of living your life. You survive these times, these everyday experiences, again and again and again. Pretty soon, the overwhelming urge to hide in the bathroom becomes less frequent. Oh, it will show up again. But please, above all, keep living as best as you can. Enough time goes by and you forget how you felt such impending doom at happy hour and on the bus and in the blank spaces down town. You remember your friend laughing at your joke. You remember the song playing in the background. You remember your life.
We don’t do the dying in these moments when we feel like our hearts will most surely burst. We die behind closed doors. We die slowly in days spent saying “Tomorrow I’m going to beat this thing.” Rush out as far as you can every day from behind those fortress walls and satiate the curiosity, even if you must on your hands and knees. Maybe one day, we will meet out there in the great unknown.

Dear Younger Self,

Just a little note from your future self who has become wise in some ways through time and experiences… When we stay in our comfort zones we make a little cozy space to cocoon ourselves which can cause for us to never move forward. Sometimes, we find ourselves pushing past that comfort zone that elevates us into a newfound mental and physical place. Other times stepping outside out comfort zones are just an illusion of the mind. The stepping outside of my own comfort zone comes with that first leap forward. Oftentimes, I get so wrapped up into my own headspace that I struggle to move. I become so paralyzed with that first step forward that at times I need to be shoved face first into a new phase of life! If only I just leaped more often rather than just mentally decipher the pro’s and con’s of the possible scenario before me, I would save myself so much mental turmoil! It is that first leap that is far more intimidating than staying in the unsteady place of not moving forward or just moving at all in general. Adapting to ones own comfort zones also leaves little the complex uncertainty of leaping forward that professionals argue is healthy for us. I am still not so sure about that.

When I was 21 years old I had pre-determined that I would never be a mother. I had planned through birth control, safe sex, and at time abstinence to insure I would never become a mother. I was certain I would screw up any child that I could raise and that I would forever have regret about how much I would mess up my own child. I had just decided to never go there and that in no way would I ever become a mother. Life had a different set of plans and did not fill me in on the plan. This year the child I had pre-determined I would mess up turned 21 herself. She was meant to be here and if ever I could pinpoint an exact moment where I see how one action radically changed my life is the day I took 10 pregnancy tests that all turned positive! She is my birth control, condom miracle child! I just didn’t know I would be any good at raising her! Becoming a mom meant I would need to shed the pre-determined manner in which I would metamorphosis from being a single entity into becoming someone else’s mom! If I was going to do this job well it meant I would have to strip away the selfish layers I had decided when I was younger I was going to wear with pride. No more self agendas for my life anymore because as I was growing her I felt the connection I had never experienced with anyone else ever before! My daughter was meant to be here and looking back 21 years I can honestly express that I would not have changed the circumstances that forced me out of my cocoon of comfort into being a mom! In fact, I did not mess her up! I am proud to admit I was one-hundred percent wrong on that front! Becoming a mom changed me forever and while some moments where you step out of your comfort zone only have momentary alterations into our lives, for me, becoming her mom radically changed me inside and out for the last 21 years of my life. I am not the same person at all. I was no longer a “me” but a “we.” Even as she has become an adult, I am still tethered to an invisible line of connection between her and myself because I grew her and I grew up with her. I grew up because of her! I didn’t allow myself to even entertain the idea that I would stay the same while I was pregnant with her. I could feel the change happening as I made very choice to be a present mom. I allowed myself to become completely changed as a person, and even more so as a woman. Did I make some mistakes along the way of raising her? Of course I have! I have however, radically owned the mistakesI know I have made with her. I have taken those many mistakes as opportunities to grow and to learn more about myself! Sometimes, that first leap towards growth is the best one you will ever take and changes you in a way that you only see years after you have moved forward.

Warmest Regards,

Your Future Self

S. Ludlum

Advocating for pushing beyond your
Comfort zone is easy, it’s just words.
Applying it to yourself is hard and requires
A dauntless temperament that’s bolder
Than your fear, that binds your actions.

As an introvert who bottles up her
Emotions and fears, confronting
Anyone who’s hurt me has a severe
Strain over me, anxiety flourishing,
Sweating, combing through vocabulary that Never,

Ever seems to fit, and always has
The possibility of being misinterpreted
As my clarity of thought comes
With pen, paper, thoughts processed
Slowly for the least hurt possible attained.

Consequences of words spoken
Can’t easily be taken back, and they happen
To have a lingering effect that’s unspoken!

©️Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

To be honest, right now in this very moment I am in a space or season of uncomfortableness in my life. All my life I’ve worn different masks to fit in and be accepted that I’ve lost sight of who I am and who I could be with growth. I hate to admit it because I was comfortable in places where I guess normal people would be uncomfortable. I used to be comfortable in my depression, anxiety, self pity and hatred. I was okay with being trash even though I wasn’t. I embarked on taking all aspects of my healing and writing seriously during the pandemic. But i wasn’t prepared at all for the distractions that i would face. So for the next 2 1/2 years. I undid almost all my progress by being in a relationship and having a baby with a narcissist who had done everything short of killing my spirit. I was extremely uncomfortable with him but out of fear and my abandonment issues. I stayed. I became comfortable with the abuse and toxicity. I believe all the lies he told me. To be hundred percent genuine and transparent, I knew he was no good for me. But I got stuck on a feeling and I am stubborn. He was the first and only guy to pretend that he valued me. He would by me flowers, take me on dates, buy me gifts, and write me little love letters. He even said he wanted to marry me. Being a woman with extremely complicated daddy issues and traumas experiences with men; I tried to hold on to him and change myself to keep him because I believed he would change. So long story short I got tired of everything he did and was doing to me. I had a come to Jesus meeting with myself because it was destroying my mental health and I could not adequately function as a mom like I needed to. So earlier this year before my son turned one. I left him and I have never looked back. If anyone has experience with a true narcissist nothing I did to free myself was easy. So I am rebuilding and recovering from that extremely toxic relationship, learning how to balance and raise two children alone instead of one and taking the leap of faith by finally sharing my talent in writing with the world and still trying to take care of my mental health and heal from all my current and past trauma and everyone I care about. I normally would have tucked my tail and run away by now to old familiar environments but I haven’t. I always found comfort in quitting and hiding within my negative emotions. I found comfort in thinking terrible things about myself and not loving and giving myself grace. I was comfortable with abuse mental, emotional, and sometimes physical because I believed that was all I deserved in life. The unknown has always terrified me so as a trauma response I would go back to or put myself in maladaptive situations that cause pain because I’m used to it. I was like the children of Israel after they were delivered from Egypt who wanted to go back because I couldn’t see my promised land. But I decided to be different and challenge myself to conquer my fears and worries so I can achieve success and that scares the living crap out of me. I see my changes and the blessings coming to me but I am internally scared shitless (excuse my language). I haven’t had time to process anything that has happened in my life for real in the past 3 years and I’m still pushing forward but I have a lot of unresolved emotions that I don’t know how to handle so I pretend they aren’t there until I go crazy or figure out how to express them.
I’m afraid of success. I am afraid of achieving my goals and being the best me. Yes, I know that sounds crazy. Even though I put in the work and it is what is to be expected. I’ve never experienced positive situations or at least for long. So I self sabotage because I don’t think I’m worthy all the time of goodness and happiness. I’m not used to actually having joy despite the chaos in my life. I’m used to feeling depression and sadness. I’m not used to being happy. And I’m so uncomfortable because I have to teach myself to accept all the things in life I’ve prayed for. I have to release maladaptive coping mechanisms that I thought were healthy but they aren’t. I have always watered others and never watered myself. I’ve shown people more love than I’ve ever shown myself ( and that is never okay). Taking time to breathe and feel positive emotions has been hard for me. It triggers my fight or flight response to be consistent in things and to show myself love. But I’m coming into my own power and learning to love myself and it’s so uncomfortable! (I’m literally dying or that’s how it feels) Sometimes I want to run back to the hell I am used to because that was the last time I felt comfortable. I had a routine and knew what to expect. I feel selfish and at times undeserving because I still beat myself up. I’ve been a certain way for so long that being in the newness and joys of life brings me deep anxiety. But being in this uncomfortable position has taught me so much. I’m uncomfortable because I’m growing out of all the terror, heartbreak and trauma I’ve experienced in my entire life all at once. Sometimes I don’t know how to process my positive emotions and I cry when I’m happy I get angry when I experience love. But it’s okay. I’m reaping the harvest from the tears I cried because of trauma and general lack. The tears I’ve cried are watering my seeds for my success.

Everyday I wake up I am choosing to actively do something different. I refuse to let myself run back to the false comfort of being with my ex and having a fake family. I would much rather deal with the uncomfortableness of success than deal with the uncomfortableness of watering myself down and making myself small for a man who doesn’t love me and only wants to manipulate and control me. I am proud of myself but I can’t celebrate just yet because I still have a lot more work to do. I thought I was buried but this whole time I was planted.

Old self

You’re so social they say. But little do they know my skin crawls and I feel like I’m going to ball every time I’m in front of you all. The panic and manic start to settle in , where do I even begin. I worry if I’m worthy or if they’ll all look at me and scurry. It all starts to get blurry and my mind starts to scatter like if everything I’ve accomplished never even mattered. My heart beats fast, and I can’t look past my old self I thought I laid on the shelf. But here she is, with all her might ready to fight. I’ve learned to fight back, despite the pain I feel of my old self, that was never healed which I’ve kept so
concealed. She keeps me from going out and makes me miss out. Some say it’s all in my mind but I can’t seem to unbind, we’re the same person even if she was a different version. Some times I win and some times I lose, either way, my old self always seems to loom.