To anyone who has pondered their past,

I’d like to share with you about a time that changed me for the better.

It was the summer before my junior year of college. I had a small view of the world and how it worked. My idea of success was based upon a semester of good grades combined with how many new Facebook friends I could add after a night of partying. If my hair, makeup, and outfit were on point? Even better. I was content to keep up appearances and do what everyone else my age was doing, or so I thought.

At the time my true spirit was suppressed. A couple years prior I had an emergency C-section to remove a cyst that had mysteriously formed on my ovary. A year later I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism once a nodule was discovered on my thyroid gland. Growing up with Asthma and often ill, I hated learning that there were more ailments being added to my roster. As one can imagine, thousands of thoughts raced through my mind. “Why me? Why does my body hate me? Will I keep getting worse? I’m too young to have a chronic illness…”

Overwhelmed, I banished those concerns to the basement of my brain. I kept living “young, wild and free”, avoiding my problems. I believed that fearing death was for “old people.”

After two years of studying media production, I soon wanted my very own MacBook Pro laptop. I envisioned myself editing on Final Cut from my off-campus apartment. Ideas flooded in – Fashion reels, experimental shorts, music videos, bright colors, textures, fun effects! It was time for an upgrade. But that meant I had to work for it. Summer job? It was a must. After some calculations I discovered I would have to work TWO jobs to reach my goal!

“Well, alright then,” I thought. Just like fashion guru Tim Gunn, I’ll “make it work”. So thus began the summer where I wrapped meat in a cooler early mornings and in the evenings got dolled up to buss at the soon-to-open Italian restaurant. This was when I met her, the young girl from Nigeria. Skin glowing and baby-faced – “absolutely still in high school,” I thought. She talked with a rich musical accent that rendered her hard to understand. Most of the group felt unsure to speak to her, yet I gravitated towards her. She sparkled while she laughed even when no one else found the humor. In time, my ears adapted, and I could fully understand her. “My family recently moved here”, she shared.

When I worked shifts with her, she brightened the hours that passed. We shared inside jokes, danced behind the kitchen doors, and she did not judge me for when I got written up for sneaking the breadsticks. My spirit felt untethered by her. I could let go of trying to appear like everyone else.

Then one day my new friend asked me something I never thought I would hear. “Will you come to my brother’s funeral?” My heart skipped a beat. I thought I misheard her. “What?” My eyes looked directly into hers. “My brother was found dead.” I hugged her and suddenly I did not give a crap about breadsticks.

A week or so had gone by and I found myself at her brother’s service with a fellow busser, a sweet woman many years older than my friend and myself. We were welcomed and loved right away into a family who had the biggest hearts. Songs praising God lifted the roof and rang strong and loud into the heavens. Arms outstretched and hands reached towards the sky. I soon realized that even in their grief, this was a celebration. People cried, smiled and expressed themselves in ways that were purely human, and they were not afraid to show it. I closed my eyes, sang and swayed, and basked in the connection felt between us all. There I was, an ungrateful college student with an abnormal growth on her thyroid, a scar on her abdomen, and a chronic disease, yet through it all, I was alive. I was blessed to have all of my tomorrows whereas my friend’s brother? He did not.

That day changed me. It felt better than any amount of likes on my Facebook page ever could. It felt real. Thanks to my friend that summer, my spirit received a nudge towards a truth that I had long avoided. Death is not just for the elderly. Death comes for us all. We can choose to fear it, not think about it, or accept it. I went back to school with my fancy new laptop knowing in my heart that I had to make that choice and no one else could do it for me.

I would cry out to God from the pit of my soul.
As I wrestled with anxiety and depression,
The unending churning deep within my stomach,
I did not think that season would ever end.
I did not have a desire to eat or be present.
All I wanted to do was hide in a place that was small enough to fit just me.
It was then I wished I knew what it looked like to be free.

Days felt like months and months, years.
I kept praying, “Lord, please help me!”
And in those moments God lifted my load
And lo and behold a new chapter of my story unfolded.
God’s light shined through the shadows of doubt and fear
Unleashing the true essence of my divine design, it was crystal clear.

I went through the fire to turn my trauma into gold.
What was once scary is now beautiful.
No longer letting the intensity of today’s pain take away the joy of tomorrow’s glory
Because the seed of my pain was exchanged for my victory.

I am the personification of strength and resiliency.
A woman with a pen and purpose
Connected to this God-given system that flows with greatness.
Poetry became like breathing to me
And to others a shoulder to lean on,
Leaning towards solace
I can finally say I know what solace looks and tastes like.

I found love within God’s love letters
And found peace within the broken pieces of me I once thought were no longer valuable.
Forever grateful that Christ paid the full price for something that was broken.
What was once bloody is now beautiful
Beautifully put, when God exchanged my heart for His
And gave me a new spirit to reject the handful hand-me-downs of generational trauma.

I am aligned with energies that heal my past and grow my future.
I release past versions of me that no longer reflect who I am.
My flesh is rewriting the story about my new inheritance, a garden of generational blessings.
Planting the most powerful word seeds for glowing vibes of a fruitful harvest.
Sun-kissed in rich soil of healing and revelation, a prophetic word.
I stand with mountain-moving faith, believing that it is well with my soul!

At first, I thought that writting this letter would be hard for me because, there have been a few things that happened in my life that changed me for the better or that has tought me a lesson/lessons. But actually, it’s going to easier than I thought. Life is always teaching us lessons, but just as it was in school, it depends on if we are paying attention or not in order to learn those lessons.
One experience that helped me change my life for the better, was when I found The Most High ( or some like to call him, God). Dont get me wrong, I always was a very spirtual person because I did grow up going to church and all, but it wasnt until I had gotten older to understand that my relationship with him had to be alot more personal and alot more surrendering.

I have always known I was different, I just didn’t really understand how or why. And at first, yes I thought something was wrong with me because I never fit in with my peers. Eventhough I tried. It wasn’t until going through so many trials and tribulations all around the same time that caused me to seek a more deeper understanding about myself, about life and about my purpose of why I’m actually here.

I don’t want to get too much into details, but I will say that I had a few losses of loved ones, jobs, friends and even became homless at a point of time. Like completely homless to where I had to pedhandle, ask total stangers to help me be able to feed myself for the day, which was not always easy. I had slept ouside, on trains, even slept in a car. I am grateful for those who did help, but there were alot of people who didnt want to. Which caused me to have to spend awhile doing it until someone was kind enough to help me. Not to mention, I had to put so much pride to the side in order to be able to ask totally strangers for money in the first place.

One day, I had a meltdown. In frustration of everything that seemed to be hitting me all at once, I cried out literally in prayer. I was angry, sad, and very emotional. Didn’t know what else to do, who to turn to, or how to feel anymore. And eventhough I hadn’t been to church in years, something in me made me cry out in prayer that day. I was overwelmed. I knew there was someone greater than I that had the answers to all my questions, and I was tired of trying to figure it out on my own. And, The Most High most really did answer me soon after.

Something(our creator) urged me to start reading the bible after that prayer. So I did. I started to read more from that point on, started praying even more and not just even asking for things but being grateful for things that I did have and for still being here. I started to seek deeper into self-care and loving myself, healing from my past. I noticed that a change within me started to happen so much that I started to see changes happen around me and for me. I found a better job, making more money, married my soulmate, and I started to understand more about myself so that I could contiue to make changes and grow.

Some call it a spiritual awakening, I call it becoming more self aware. Healing from pass trauma and learning how and when to use my gifts. Remember when I said that I knew that I was different, and that I just couln’t explain or understand how? Well, I found out that everything that I had been through was meant to happen so that I could be a testimony to help others that may have experience the same things that I have. And that I should find ways to use my talents to share my story with others, to help them find and keep hope alive. I have become a better version of myself. I love helping others, wheither its with my story, or being someone that is easy to talk to, or even helping out the homless as best as I can. Because I was once homless, I now understand just how important it is to give back to the community. Expecially to those in need. I know firsthand that not many people want to help the homeless, so I want to make sure that I am apart of the small percentage that love helping. We should always give, it should be in everyone’s heart to help each other without looking for something to something gain. Unfortunatly, its not in everyone’s heart to help.

Our creator saved me that day. He was just waiting on me to acknowledge him, ask him for his help because he is the only one who truely can. I am on a better path in life now, eventhough it still can get frustrating with everything that’s going on, I now understand that I am not alone. I never was alone, and as long as I keep my realationship with him, he will always be there to guide me to the path that he designed for me.

Driving.
Miles and miles.
Footwork and footwork.
Hello and hello.
You stop where you can to hang a missing person’s poster.
You notice the berries are a brighter red.
You hear spiritually.
You know sacredness is not seen but felt.
She was found dead. Stabbed over and over again, slowly bleeding out her last breath-her last body movement of life depleted.
Your baby sister.
Your golden laughter on weekends.
Your refuge of fun and fearlessness-dead; murdered.
No one knows what metamorphosisizing.
Wings or visions.

agggggggh!!!!
Screams are silent as to not let anyone hear
so loud inside that they are deafening
as I uncontrollably scream
with my eyes sealed shut
tears stream down my face
and my body shakes
as i let my head fall back
throwing my fists in the air
only to slump forward again
with my arms beside me in defeat
not long ago I was good
and then somehow
i managed to end up in this place
my eyes twitched
as I stared blankly in the distance
i’m felt lost and disgusted
how could i have let that happen to me
knowing that I wouldnt ever
Let that happen to anyone else
where did that even come from
how could I not see the evil in his soul
how i could I not see the hate in his heart
i wrapped myself in the darkness’s embrace
and slowly rocked myself back and forth
as to self soothe and help my mind grasp what had happened
oh the things that I had been through
with the holds of a choke
that almost crushed my throat
I am surprised I am alive today
but not without consequence
the after affects come out of nowhere
sudden moves and i jump
hands up and I cover my head and face
my drifts out of reality
bring me back to that time
and the emotions overwhelm me again
But here I am
Here I still stand
permanently scarred
but able to see through the dark
and able to be aware again
here i am smiling and laughing
eating and drinking
dancing and singing
here I am able to breathe
enjoying my offspring for days upon days
being their safe space, their light
away from anything sent to harm them
I don’t have to hold my breath
I don’t have to walk on eggshells
I don’t have to silence myself
I don’t have to hide
I don’t have to wait
I don’t have to keep wondering what I did wrong
to deserve punishments as such
I don’t have to question how many more times
i would have to deal with his undeserving behavior
I am free
I am finally free
I look in the mirror and smile
wiping the tears from my eyes
no more cries the moment
until the pain again hits the rise
it will take time to heal
and try to keep these tears out my eyes
I know
emotions will come ago
and sometimes I will be so, so
but I lived to see another day
and another moment
so satisfying and pleasing
on my remarkable journey
if I may

I climb to the cliff’s edge
And peer into the rocky waters
“No, I can’t do that,”
Suddenly,
A cotton blanket embraces me
Wrapping me up safely in warmth
The blanket leads me to a chiminea
I watch flames transform into fiery girls dancing with one another
Happily round and around
Then, they look at me, exit their stage, and draw a circle of flames around me
Their friendly smiles comfort me
As the ground surrounding me turns everything to ash
Smoke thickens and clears
And for the first time,
I feel peace from destruction.

To people everywhere and anywhere,

The kindness challenged my self perception from the inside out. My heart was being held so tenderly, no judgment, no input, no shaming, only a simple listening and understanding of where I was right then.
Before all this, I was told what to do, ignored, or invalidated. They said it wasn’t real. I did not need help all while looking at me like I was some kind of monster. My heart ached to be heard. All around me they had it worse or I was completely alone.
I became numb, small, miserable, unloved, and unloving. Nothing brought light to my eyes, my soul was empty. Was there a forward in all this?
Desperately I reached out to a stranger. I asked for nothing. Only sobbed my story and nearly wanted to be agreed with on my lack of worthiness.
She did not. She told me I was human. Mistakes did not make up who I was. There was more to the story than I was letting myself believe. The opinions and lack of empathy of those before her did not define my experiences.
The shadow began to recede and the mugginess waned. The storm calmed. The winter ended. The chill lifted. Gently the sun poked out and flowers blossomed. Hope was born.
A hope I had never known. My heart began pumping, my soul returned. What was this clarity? Acceptance? Change and growth?
She allowed room for the pain and cleared the cobwebs of years from people discrediting or not believing me.
I saw a glimmer of light. My life was forever changed the kindness of a stranger.

I’ll tell you a story, it’s filled with delusion.
Surrounded by darkness.
Called Crystal Clear Confusion.

Living to die, while dying to live.
Seeking a light only He could give.
Lonely and lost while He fought for my soul,
I hid in the darkness loading my bowl
Feeding me lies through a needle and pipe,
the enemy held me and said it would all be alright
Succumb by darkness. Secluded delusion
And so continued my crystal clear confusion
Running and running with no light to see..
never realizing the life He planned for me
Surrounded by darkness, despair and seclusion.
And so continued my crystal clear confusion.
Nothing’s the same- I don’t wanna be here
Succumb to this dark, empty life I now fear.
Someone help me! Someone show me the way!
Somebody help me!
I’ll die if I stay!!

And so it came, a light to see-
My Savior came to rescue me!
Now I shine for all to see-
Christ Jesus my Savior has set me free.
Surrounded by love and its not an elusion
Christ Jesus set me free from my Crystal Clear confusion!!
©️MarissaAnn

I pulled on a pair of runners, tied up the laces tight
Lined up behind the racers, hoping to keep out of sight
Two minutes in, I struggled for breath, fearing I would meet my death
I pushed forward despite my pain, dodging blowing northwest rain
With every puddle I side-stepped, I grew stronger, more confident
For the moment I was simply me, not a husband’s wife nor a babe’s mommy
My body moved freely in open space, unconfined by time or place
And with that first race, on that day one, I found I absolutely love to run
This revelation did change the way I lived my life both then and today

As I look back upon this one particular summer day,
I had no idea how much my world would be turned upside down.
Not only upside down but completely around.
I’m talking a total one-eighty.
Everything I did in life would now have a different purpose.
I would no longer be able to accept any form of deterrence.
Every aspect of my life changed for the better on this one particular summer day.

I had no idea I would be looking in the mirror for the rest of my life.
Seeing my many moods, flaws, insecurities, and even my anxieties.
The perseverance, the strength, and the superpowers that I didn’t even know I had.
There they were looking right back at me
through the lens of this small and beautiful mirror image of myself.
All of this took place in a single event, on one particular summer day.

Who knew that over time, and for an eternity,
I would have the strength to put my all into this beautiful image in front of me.
Exalting my courage to lead and protect with unconditional love, strength, and determination.
From the depths of my soul, and with every beat of my heart,
I would forever be connected to another being.
All because of this miracle that mirrors my image, and this one particular summer day.

As time moved on, me and my mirror image would grow together,
teaching each other, learning from each other,
and being that person to one another.
Separate beings, with an inseparable bond.
Trying to figure out life as we lean on each other’s love and support.

Our journey started on this one particular summer day,
and oh what a journey it has been.
One I would not trade for the world.
Imagine the power of one being’s ability to change the life of another.
To make it better and make it sweeter.
I am in awe of the things that God can do,
with just one gift given to you, on one particular summer day.

This wonderful being was given to me, yes me, to be my everything.
The thing that I would live and die for.
This being is my daughter, my heart and soul, my mirror image.
Given to me 10 minutes before that particular summer day would come to an official end.
She is anointed with Love and grace.
My heart stays full with the thought of it all.
As this experience continues to rock my world in amazing ways,
I will forever be grateful for that one beautiful, particular summer day.

Dear Unsealed Family,

It would be off-putting if I didn’t stress that I’m not a overly intelligent
person when it comes to relationships with a divine creator. It is of the most
importance to me that I find something, something that was written or
spoken to help me define this world. This world that for most of my
existence I’ve experienced envelopes of deeply rooted detachments to my
own soul. I was lost, expecting the world to bend to the truth that a
melanated child like myself had some special qualities or traits which only I
have to make me aware of the sudden effects of this particular butterfly that
I’am. I found myself being classified as aberrant, corpulent and numerous
other adjectives one as Juvenile as myself would find Detrimental. It broke
my will to live being that my father’s side of the family and classmates
made me feel that I was impotent, a mundane atom of wasted potential.
It wasn’t just with words used but non-verbal cues that emptied my belief in
myself and this world. It felt as if I was a Homicide not to gang wars but
between family and Societal estrangement. The only peace I had was the
way silence had my back. It was in those moments of silence that
volunteered violence creeped into my mind. These thoughts started to
become folklore to my young mind and harmony with harm became my
only friend. A forever companion that I couldn’t forget, and I walked the
streets of depression alone. When going to school the subway became my
way to ensure a quite exit from this world. I would every day press my face
near the edge of deaths door and at a split second pull back to feel a bit of
what death was like. At the time I didn’t know what a suicidal thought was
or that I had for most of my childhood been a threat to myself. I was
fighting the thought of my being and the anxiety of the words of external
pressures, their shadows slowly stalking my mind. But it was one thing that
made me realize a rather strange feeling I been longing for like the love of
Eros to the desire desperately to feel noticed. I was in my 7th grade art class
and we was creating pottery and could etch anything into the sides of our
clay pots. I stumbled upon images that reflected my interest in my culture. I
picked up Egyptian hieroglyphs and in the process something drew me
towards those pieces of paper. It was if I’ve resonated with those images
that they were a part of my soul and have been for quite a long time. So I
used them on my mug and ashtray, but it didn’t stop there. When computer
class started I would research these hieroglyphs in an attempt to further my
understanding of why these things had such a profound impact on my
young mind. This is when my eyes began opening, looking like a full moon
juxtaposed to the dark mood-less sky. I saw melanated individuals who took
the wind from me. I always wondered why I never saw anybody that looked
like me on the television and if I did, they were mostly athletes or
musicians. it wasn’t until the day that I saw the Egyptians that I knew that
there was more to my people and my heritage. I had the biggest smile on
my face, my shoulders relaxed and my soul, my soul felt whole. I always
believed that my history began and ended at slavery, that I was and always
will be just a N-Word to my self, my people and to other cultures that knew
their story, but now I knew mines as well. It was when I learned that piece
of time not explained to us in the history books that I made a decision to
father study my own history. So to this day I reach for further guidance
from my ancestors and look at them to show self pride in myself. I know
that when I’m down or have thoughts to do harm or anything else I can
meditate on the matter with them and they will find an answers. I’am not a
N-word or any other label someone could describe me as,I’am called Negus
now which is Ethiopian royal title that was historically used to refer to the
monarch or ruler of Ethiopia. I’am happy, I’am love, I’am whole and I’am
grateful to be a melanated soul on this earth.

Always grateful,
Rashan Speller

Othe to mothers bearings are told
Sacral plexus so early misused
Diverted attention from nurture to crood egregores pursued
A time came around when the angelic realms, decided to bind with my trickle through hell
Creating life, something so freely exploited
An american dream, but that topics forthgoing
Awakened me emotionally, spiritually, as the intellectual so divinely imported
Balancing the Yin & the Yang, as a single mother always must do
Digging within opened my eyes to this new world for two
My Sienna so savvy yet sweet as the glow in suckle
My Diveena so innovative yet daring like a puck in the huddle
Sacral plexus so early made me a God, or should I say Goddess and not be far off
Creating a world forever embedded with beauty
Defined by the words divinity~loom~agape love~genuity