Dear Unsealers,
I don’t ever want to be empowered. Please don’t.
If you give me power, you can take it back.
If you find me in a place where I can’t find my power, help me search.
If you find me in a place where I lack courage, teach me something I couldn’t do before.
If you find me in a place where I have more reasons why I can’t, help me discover why I can.
If you see me sitting with boxes of self doubt, with bags of trauma, with a cart full of other’s opinions of me, don’t tell me what you think.
If you stay along side me, ask me what I can do, ask me how I triumphed over my trauma, what I think of myself.
If I understand what I think of myself, what I can do, and how experiences have created in me a richness of strength and emotion that is uniquely mine.
I will know these things are the rich colors in the tapestry of my life.
I will understand the knowledge of myself is far more accurate and important than the things i am told about me.
I will exercise and give strength to knowledge and the skills, confidence to be myself, in every way.
I will know the power that comes from within. I will give myself permission.
When I know the power of myself it cannot be taken.
Please don’t empower me.

At one point in my life I lived in my safe comfort zone, it was a great space at lease I thought it was, it was a fortress it even came with guard that kept a vigilant watch over my thoughts that occupied my brain telling me constantly that failure would come to me if I tried anything new and my best bet was to stay within the confides of the comfort zone don’t dream don’t envision anything outside the zone.

But I knew that I did not want to live a mediocre life but I wanted a life full of extraordinary things a purposeful life staying in the comfort zone became harder to do when there was much I wanted to do and become. Until one beautiful day I decided to take the leap of faith and drown out the voices that kept me bound stuck in time not moving forward at all. I enrolled in classes at an online university and took he leap to get my Bachelor’s degree in healthcare management, I first enrolled in classes not even having a working lap top computer, I knew I had time to figure that out later the classes were not going to start for another few weeks, but the first step was made I had left the comfort zone. I realized that nothing ventured nothing gained the first step is always the hardest. For the next two years I took my online classes toward my degree. It was an arduous journey faced with obstacles along the way so much happened in those two years, I learned many things about myself it tested my resolve and stretch me to capacity. I thank God for his grace I thanked God that he always sent me to help me with assignments when I have confused he sprinkled help along the way, I received support from family and friends that encouraged me when I wanted to quit and give up when the hills where to high and valleys were too low, they kept on track when I wanted to retreat and run back to the comfy zone closer to the shore, not out the middle where the tides and the currents where not always in my favor. Last year I graduated with my bachelor’s degree in healthcare management class of 2023,

What I learned along my educational journey and leaving my comfort zone: is the first step is absolutely the hardest and that no matter what I have something that nobody can take from me, and that knowledge in myself knowing that I can be anything I want to be and move forward no matter how small the step that I can have a purposeful life where I can help other people along this journey and that the next chapter of my story will be better than my first. To God is the glory the author and finisher of my fate.

Dear Clare,

I hope this email finds you well. Apologies for the late correspondence, I needed the time to be intentional about expressing myself wholly.

I want to share my heartfelt gratitude to you for your kindness and guidance throughout the program thus far.

I often think about a conversation we had in week 2 of the program. I resigned from my previous job with over 700 cumulative hours of personal and sick leave, always feeling guilty when I prior used anything other than the mission. At first when you shared a bit about your path to your current position and how the culture fostered in spaces like Year Up, I almost did not care to hear it because it all sounded like things I was not ready to have until something would happen to make me deserving of it, despite not knowing what that something was. Just a feeling.

Due to my upbringing, I’ve always valued philanthropy and charity, so every year of my adult life I have made significant efforts to insert myself into people’s lives as a solution to their problems. Despite the influence that I and people in my circle know that I have had on others, good or bad, it never felt like enough because there were still people to help, and the mission wasn’t over. In retrospect, I acknowledge that mindset may have been a matter of cowardice than any other aspect I would have used to justify it; I have had many conversations with my therapist since then about not using issues external to myself as an excuse to not acknowledge problems in my personal life. I had voluntarily not gone on vacation for well over a year whilst trying manifest meaning and a purpose to my life. Although I am still learning to prioritize myself, I am grateful beyond what language can express to have an employer and a mentor who actively encourages me to take time off for rest and relaxation. Your guidance has shaped my approach to both personal and professional growth. Thank you and have a wonderful weekend.

Warm Regards,

When I was younger, I was enthusiastic about becoming an adult. I remember accompanying my mother to the stores and appreciating the attractiveness of women, notably those wearing high heels. I couldn’t wait to wear high heels someday, seeing them as a mark of elegance and maturity. However, as I grew older, being a woman quickly became a maze of anxiety and doubts. High heels went from emblems of grace to traps, rendering me too unstable to flee from danger.

I used to love happy meals with colourful boxes and amusing toys, but now every meal feels like a battlefield, with each mouthful swallowing every single thought in my mind.
I used to refrain from applying makeup because I felt desirable without it, but now I pile it on like a cheesecake, with each layer acting as a mask to conceal my actual nature.
As a child, I used to fall asleep at night fantasising about becoming an adult and falling in love, but I soon realised that love is unexpected and frequently chaotic.
The clothing I’m wearing now seems like chains, and I wish I could burn off my skin to relieve the misery.
My lips never feel full enough, my brows never look right, and the scars on my body convey things I’d rather forget.
My small love handles, once a source of innocence, now seem like anchors dragging me down.

Being a woman seems like walking a tightrope, with each step posing the risk of falling.
It’s a dance in a hall of mirrors, and each reflection changes my perception of myself.
I’m always balancing expectations, attempting to come to terms with who I want to be with and who society expects me to be.
My body feels like a battleground, and I’m fatigued from fighting.

The transition from childhood to maturity can be compared to traversing a deserted space, where the illusion of who I believed I would become vanishes with each step. My childhood dreams have faded into shadows under the harsh light of reality. I’m just tired of navigating this maze, where every path appears to lead to a dead end.

Heaven has gain another angel….

A few months ago, Mitsu was diagnosed with anemia, which resulted in a low count of white and red blood cells. He was prescribed medicine to take every day to help his blood cells function properly, and it worked for a short period of time. However, a new diagnosis was given on May 2nd, 2024, when he was found to be suffering from cancer, kidney failure, and a high temperature. Unfortunately, the doctor informed us that there is nothing more they can do to help him. My family and I are taking care of him every day, feeding him through a tube since he has lost the ability to eat and drink water. We are doing everything in our power to help him, spending as much time with him as we can. He is a fighter and has been holding on for almost a week now. May 5th,2024 at 5:00 pm my baby has passed away and joined GOD I’m happy you’re in a better place and not suffering anymore inshallah we will meet again meri jaan. We will miss you, you may not be here physically but emotionally and mentally you are. May Allah bless you always my baby we love you. You were treated by the best doctors I know because the minute they saw you they got ready to put ultrasound, heartbeat mintor in 2.5 seconds they knew tried their best to save you. Me and your grandma were willingly to pay whatever amount to give you the best treatment but you picked your head up and called out mama whenever we were talking to the doctors you knew it your time. Heart beat going up and down and temperature going higher, lower and then GOD called you, me and your grandma screamed I’m sure you heard our screams and cries saying, “not him not now,” I told you to let go whispered in your ear who knew you listened and let go. The doctors took you to another room and we saw tears coming out your eyes and the door opening up wide we knew you were leaving. The house will be empty without your meows. Me and our family will miss you babyboy youll always be our baby and never replaced by another. Your ashes will be here with us forever. I’ll always remember you calling out mama, following me to the bathroom always, bumping your head on my hand for cuddles, always stealing food. Your bird and fish siblings will miss you too, tell mitu your bird sister hello for me tell her even after many years I still miss her your my baby always and forever my black cat. Your cat siblings annie, milo, selena have lost their brother but promise me to look out for them from up in the clouds, stars, sun, moon never stop looking after us either we will miss you meri jaan always and forever never ever forgotten. Hope you visit in my dreams and thoughts always. Thank you for all the smiles, laughs, meows, you cured so much in our household anxiety, depression, sadness you made it all happy who knew cats were a miracle and my black cat was our lucky clover. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to take care of you and giving you all the love and care and even after your gone ill still be your cat mom. O Allah, ease upon him his matters, and make light for him whatever comes hereafter, and honor him with your meeting and make that which he has gone to better than that which he came out from.

Bismillah

May Jannah be a safe place for you

Dear Uncle Eric,
I’ve talked to you a lot the past few years. Your picture hangs up above my electric junction box; my boyfriend and I split custody of your comic book collection.

Sometimes I flash back to those summers when I was kid when you’d walk up the street toward my grandmother’s house, sporting that toothy smile and that dingy Superman shirt.

Ironically, in some ways I feel closer to you now than when you were alive. If I had to choose, though, I’d have you back beside me in a second.

I want to start off by saying, I’m sorry. When you got sick, you tried to reach out. You tried to call. I kept avoiding those calls, and you probably died thinking I didn’t want to speak to you. Or maybe you knew, on some level, that I loved you with all my heart, that I’ve always thought of you as a father. I’ll never know either way, and it breaks my heart and part of me hates myself for not picking up the damn phone.

I don’t hate myself all the time for that–I want you to know that. Only sometimes, and not for very long. Regret is ultimately a waste of time.

I could bemoan the fleeting time we had together, regret never calling you Dad… or I could feel blessed. I do feel blessed. You gave me a whole world, Eric. You gave me comic books and superheroes, Peter Parker and Clark Kent. You gave me Smallville, you gave me X-Men, you gave me all those summers of adventures in Boston, seeing Spiderman in theaters together. You gave me thirty years of listening, empathizing, without any judgment whatsoever. I say this without a hint of doubt–other adults in my life clothed me, fed me, paid for a decent chunk of my college education… but you gave me more than those adults ever did.

For one thing, you didn’t beat me, or scream at me, or throw things at me, or blame me for the family being broken. You didn’t steal from me, call me a faggot when I came out, or tell me I was an evil person.

You saw me. You saw the real me. You saw the light in me, and you nurtured it. That light shines now, bright as the sun, because of YOU.

You taught me how to be a hero, just by being one yourself. You taught me how to be kind to others, even when the world is nothing but cruel. You taught me to show forgiveness where a lesser man might show retribution. Most of all you taught me that those who cause pain, are weak. Those who love and protect others, are the strongest of us, the very best of us.

For that, and so much more, you are, and always will be

My hero.

I need you, I’m scared
The man who I thought was my father
Was only my Dad.
I knew too-right from wrong
But God is my Father,
And He is strong!
He’s not like my Dad though,
Yet, some similarities you know?
How is your Mom?
Is she still alive?
I wish to your place again
I could run and hide.
As kids and friends
Billy I was never perverted
Some scary stranger…
Wrecked my life.
And then he laughed about it
40 years later
How’s that a joke?
I don’t know.
But I’m better now,
I’m a child of the King!
And in 4 trillion more years…
I’ll still be!
Like prejudiced people used to say in school,
Calling some a wanna’ be
Except my wants changed.
I want to be a man of God,
I want to be good
I sure wish I could.
But I’m gonna try to learn how!
I miss you so bad
You were the first best friend I had.
My best friend now-since “1996”
Is the coolest!
His name is Mike
He’s from Cleveland
I’ve even prayed and cried over him.
I want him to go to heaven!
You better be there when I get home,
I want you to meet him.
I wish I had not
Brought you smoke.
I want to be buried under it.
You were like an exception
Dad would let me out.
He must had liked you too.
Sometimes I think
I haven’t changed much inside…
But I have! Hey,
I know you remember Scoot,
He told me what happened, at the bar
When he cried. Billy, I wish you never died!